tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-183837562024-03-07T02:54:41.288-07:00Breakup BlogShite blog about breaking up with the love of my life, and a never ending stream of other guys that came after him. Average relationship time before breakup = 3 weeks.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.comBlogger149125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-61737328276353373782008-10-19T12:11:00.003-06:002008-10-19T12:34:35.653-06:00That Damn Smile!!I just admitted to myself that for the first time since Blondie, <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2008/09/i-have-crush.html">I've come as close to falling in love again as I will ever be</a>. Yet, it is not to be. Which, I have to say is a good thing. Dude reminds me too much of Blondie - in the good ways. Blondie reminds me of my dad in so many good ways. His brilliance, his kindness, his eyes, his humor, that damn smile. <div><br /></div><div>I'm in love...but he doesn't love me.<br /><div><br /></div><div>Wonder if I'll <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">ever</span> have that connection with someone again?</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-91770511668517578962008-10-11T11:45:00.001-06:002008-10-11T11:49:30.961-06:00“It’s Only After We’ve Lost Everything That We’re Free To Do Anything”<div>Uncle already. I surrender. I lost the love of my life. I lost my ability to love, or maybe to be loved, because breaking up with Blondie destroyed me. <br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Actually, I'm over it. Have been for a really long time. But this morning I woke up remembering that his sister is getting married today. Getting married to the same guy she started dating a few months before Blondie and I started dating. I'm so happy for them. </div><div><br /></div><div>Why does their marriage make me so emo again? First off, I woke up remembering they were getting married. I dreamed about Blondie last nite. I dreamed about things being the way they used to be. And that included seeing his sister and her fiance often. So coming out of that dream to the reality that I'm no longer with Blondie, and his sister is today getting married is bittersweet. </div><div><br /></div><div>I've gone briefly into stalker mode and checked out flickr pics of Blondie. He looks good. He looks happy. And I check out his blog 3-4 times a year. Not often at all. I'm kinda over making myself suffer over him. But he was a very important person in my life. I'll probably always retain some sort of curiosity about how he's doing.</div><div><br /></div><div>If you've read this blog long enough, you know that I lost myself when Blondie broke up with me. All this time later, it seems absolutely silly to even admit that. I'm pretty embarrassed about the complete emo drivel on this piece of shit blog. But then again, whatever. Its just a blog. Its just a breakup. </div><div><br /></div><div>I guess what sucks is that I let myself lose so much more than just a relationship. And now my net is ripped open, and its just about me. What am I going to do with myself? I'm not sad really. Its just hard to open up when I know I've made it hard for guys to get close to me. I know I try to fit guys I date into Blondie's mold. None of them can compare, and I start getting all complainey about them or back off from them, and then find myself surprised when they decide not to play that game anymore. Thing is, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">I dont even want to play that game anymore</span>. I'm jumping off that merry-go-round. I'm free. </div><div><br /></div><div>What now?</div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-89757008020232235012008-10-07T11:03:00.003-06:002008-10-07T11:12:33.897-06:00Now I Feel DirtyI hung out with a new dude a little while ago. He's a hippie. I love hippies. But dude is gross. He thinks he's a programmer, but he's not very smart. He's a dirty hippie. Dirty being the key word. Like weeks worth of dishes in the sink. A floor that looks worse than the street. A smell I couldn't get out of my memory for hours. Just thinking about him makes me feel dirty.<br /><br />Hate to sound like a fucking diva. Cuz I'm so down with alt living. Its just that dating sucks. Single guys sometimes suck. I probably do too.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-43320863481529140982008-10-05T11:37:00.006-06:002008-10-05T12:05:32.809-06:00New Addiction<div>I'm so single it hurts. I fucking hate it!</div><div><br /></div><div>Since my addiction to beautiful, brilliant, emotionally iffy guys isn't going to be taken care of, I'm feeling a need for a replacement addiction. I'm pretty much done with the dive bar scene - only because too many guys fitting the description of my first addiction are there. Torture. And drinking alone every damn day just feels weird. I don't do substances really. At least not the illicit kind. And I've rubbed it out till I'm no longer interested in solo sex. Lame.<br /></div><div><br /></div><div>Thinking all that's left is food. Which is so whack. But I'm sooo devoid of excitement - and the rush I get from meeting a guy I dig is so exciting. Strangely enough food gives a teeny tiny bit of that same rush. Why do you think so many single girls are a little chubby? I think it's cuz they're burned out on the whole dating scene, like myself, and get some strange satisfaction from eating that whole box of fancy cupcakes and buzzing like a mutha fucker on sugar and chocolate for like an hour afterward. That's totally similar to the whole orgasm afterglow - with none of the sweating that goes with sex. I'm in desperate need for some kind of change in my world. I'm like frantically seeking the non-illicit-drug dopamine rush. I'm chasing the dragon still. I'm completely addicted to something. Connection. Comfort. Something - i dunno.</div><div><br /></div><div>Shut up! Yeah I need therapy. But if I could just love somebody and be loved by them, my normalcy level would balance out quite nicely. I don't really think everyone is meant to be alone and fucking isolated in the world. Works for some people. It's bullshit to me. I'll probably either eat or starve myself into some awesome self-induced dopamine high. No guys needed. I have my preference. </div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-84783178410843135572008-09-28T17:35:00.002-06:002008-09-28T17:49:35.465-06:00Flying SoloMy relationships always end up being such a clusterfuck. I've decided to take a break from guys for a while and fly solo. I don't know how I'm gonna deal with my horndogginess, but I'll have to find a way. <div><br /><div>Here's what I'm changing:</div><div><ul><li>No more nightly pubbing with the guys. </li><li>No more constant IM and other communication with the guys. </li><li>Just gonna focus on work.<br /></li></ul><div>I can shift my career into high gear if I can get over these guys I always crush on. I don't really like bad boys, but the guys I'm into are definitely trainwrecks emotionally. Usually they're highly creative and methodological at the same time. Usually they haven't been in a relationship for a while and are intensely private. I dig guys like that cuz they're mostly quiet in a crowd, but brilliant and talkative and sexy alone. I love hanging with guys who make me think about the world in a different way. But they're drama because they're so creative and logical at the same time. They've got serious quiet angst, which apparently I think is as sexy as some chicas think bad boys are sexy. Gah!</div><div><br /></div><div>So starting right now, I'm flying solo. Focusing on my career, focusing on bringing in the big bucks despite the fucked up economy. My job seems pretty recession-proof...but it's not crush-proof and I gotta stop the beautiful genius crushes. They're fucking up my life. </div></div></div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-25012801470756731172008-09-22T07:41:00.003-06:002008-09-22T07:51:07.828-06:00I Have A Crush!You know what's tits about being all growed up? You've already been 13...And I totally feel 13 again now, cuz I have a crush!!!<div><br /></div><div>It's only a crush I have to tell myself. Cuz he's just too perfect. Tall, blonde/blue, hella intelligent artist/nerd. Oh and he's single!! And not just off a long term relationship. And we have friends in common. And we live fairly close to each other. And the fact that we had a drunk make out session recently is totally irrelevant. LOL...yeah, it's just a crush. But I'm soooo digging the butterflies in my tummy when he pings or calls me. I totally dig talking about social issues and politics with him. Love doing nerdy stuff with him. </div><div><br /></div><div>Anyone wanna take bets on how long this one lasts? hahaha. </div>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-35656775423963783972008-08-13T18:10:00.004-06:002008-08-13T18:23:59.849-06:00Online Dating SucksI'm so fucking disgusted by online dating sites. Seriously, is it only the dregs of society that ever create profiles on dating sites? WTF?<br /><br />Yesterday a local star photographer said to me 'I don't get how someone like you is still single. You're beautiful, you're intelligent, you're funny. How are you still single?' How the hell would I know. I do not get it. And I'm so ready to find an intelligent, hot, hip, 30+ guy to date for a while.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-3808090966859872222008-07-22T04:48:00.003-06:002008-07-22T05:06:13.128-06:00Breakup SpinoutI wonder how long it takes to quit mentally spinning out over a breakup that was only short term to begin with. I can't belive I'm still tripping over this breakup. Its only been 2 days, but I hate it.<br /><br />He's pretty much dead to me. I deleted all of our emails and text messages. I'm not going to make myself even crazier by going over each word we've written to each other. I've already been though that with Blondie, and it makes for a messed up head, lemme tell ya.<br /><br />I guess I'm so sad because I wanted to spend more than 3 weeks with the guy...lol. Honestly. 3 months would have been great. And the thing is, I'm not clingy or possessive. I'm model tall and have a good body and am often called beautiful. I am smart, and witty and live in a great place - I only bring these things out to give you some background on me. Basically, for me, getting guys is hella easy. The hard part is keeping them after a few weeks together with them. I'm not sure what goes wrong. This time, I'm fucking sad about not being able to get to know this guy better. The worse part is that the breakup happened over a 3 day period through email and he refused to just tell me he wanted to end it on the phone or face to face. I guess the fact that I allow myself to go through such bullshit is 1 of the reasons I do go throught bullshit like this. But fuck...he just seemed so much better than the rest. I'm tripping over how this went down.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-17244871177576549552008-07-21T14:05:00.002-06:002008-07-21T14:08:14.074-06:00Fortune Cookie Say...I guess it's an old habit to go out and order Chinese or Thai food when I'm feeling down. Anyhoo, today's fortune cookie tells me:<br /><blockquote>"Others appreciate you more than you think."</blockquote>Really? Excellent!Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-53230732801878472142008-07-21T11:34:00.002-06:002008-07-21T11:54:44.053-06:00Breakup ExpertYeah, i'm an expert at getting guys to break up with me. geezus. I was with a <span style="font-weight: bold;">really</span> cool guy for about 3 weeks this time, and I pulled the breakup line with him. Something like, 'I really like you a lot, but I can tell you're not over your ex and not ready for something serious...what do you think if we just don't sleep together anymore till we see where things go'. Well, he was all over that - like that was his way out of a relationship which I have to admit, just spun into pseudo-seriousness waaaay too fast. But I thought this was a good way of slowing things down. No, this was a perfect way to have dude end all contact with me 'for a couple of weeks'. I call bullshit on that line...whatever.<br /><br />Ok. I can hear you now thinking that this whole relationship clearly just started out wrong. I know. I made these 3 mistakes entering into this relationship:<br /><br />1. I slept with him within 10 days of meeting him<br />2. I suggested it<br />3. I somehow thought he liked me for more than sex, cuz I liked him and thought he was pretty kickass.<br /><br />This is not the first time I've done this. Actually, I pretty much am the breakup expert cuz when I look back on the past 6 months, I've had 5 breakups like this. Yes, 5. That's pretty much an average of a 3 week relationship to 2 weeks to find a new guy. Awesome.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-2610120653143627342008-07-14T04:31:00.004-06:002008-07-14T05:37:38.898-06:00I Thought I Was Gonna Die of LonelinessHi. I'm still here. I know it's been forever since I've posted - again! And it's mostly because I have been so flipping lonely and it's been hard to keep writing the same whiney "i miss my ex-boyfriend so bad/it hurts so much/i'm gonna go crazy without him" emo drivel that i just gave it a rest.<br /><br />And...and...well...i have to say <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2005/12/project-xxi.html">PXXI</a> worked!!! But i'm kind of a slow learner and it took more like 21 months instead of 21 days, but that shit finally worked. hahaha<br /><br />So that means i'm dating again. dating guys that are worth my time. what a fucking loooong road. i seriously thought i was gonna die of loneliness in the process.<br /><br />when i tried to break this crazy dry spell, i first went out with a guy i met on twitter. he was/is the lamest, most self-centered, not-even-hot guy i've met in a long time. he was only attractive to me at first cuz i met him on twitter (hahaha). so my immediate thought is that he's 1337, even if he's not hella hot i'm def more attracted to geeks than to pretty boys. but dude was neither! he was just on twitter cuz he wanted to meet more people. geezus. that tells you something right there. this kid has only lived in this god-forsaken city his whole life, and he needs to jump on twitter anonomously to make more friends?!?! ack!! that little dating episode lasted about a month. an agonizing month. he did a lot of hottie posturing he clearly must have learned from some trendy men's magazine. like for instance, i was at his place one nite and it was chilly so i asked him if he had a jacket i could borrow. well, for reasons only my body knows, we made out later that nite, and i took his jacket home and was gonna return it the next time we saw each other. but i kept forgetting to return that fucking jacket everytime. and i felt bad about always forgetting it cuz the more i saw him the more i realized he is NOT THE ONE. dude is going to school to be an architect, but he is not smart. trying to have a riveting conversation with dude is like trying to have a riveting conversation with my puppy. he keeps himself entertained with stories of how he and his mom and dad sit on their porch and make fun of people...holy shit. that's the one thing that makes him more excited than anything else i heard him talk about ever. dude is a small town hick who thinks he's hot shit for reasons i really cannot comprehend. he's only average looking, so i don't get his mad delusions of hotness at all. if i hadn't met him on twitter i would never have given him the time of day. gotta love the beautiful wrapper our online personas wrap us up in. but anyway, he kept suggesting that i was forgetting the jacket on purpose so i could see him again. FUUUUUUK NO!!! by that time i wanted that jacket and all remnants of him out of my house, car and life. he's a fucking Lame. so after i got so pissed at him telling me over and over that i really wanted to have more of him in my life & that's why i kept forgetting to give him back his jacket, i went to his place at a time when i knew he wasn't going to be there, left his jacket on his back porch and texted him that i wouldn't be seeing him anymore...he, of course, wanted to know why...so i made up some kinder excuse other than the harsh truth that i think he's a dim-witted, small town podunk who erroneously thinks he is hot shit and i can no longer stomach that stupidity. yeah, i'm totally hating. not really tho, i wish him the best.<br /><br /><br />i dated a little more after him, but dude drove me so nutz with his hottie posturing, that i think he deserves a paragraph on my blog for the kind of guys not to date. but i dunno, i went to dinner or lunch with different guys, never much more than that.<br /><br />i had a pseudo crush on a co-worker...only because everyone thought we were together, when that thought hadn't even crossed our minds - we were just the only single people in the office so we hung out. and that crush lasted for about a month. but nothing ever came of it and it died away nicely. (i like that - no drama. i got to enjoy the view from across my cubicle while i was crushing, and we hung out a couple of times, but mostly just work. that was alright.)<br /><br />then 3 other guys started talking to me - all about the same time. i am still talking to 1 of them regularly who happens to be a hardcore geek. another one is a tasty pretty boi working in an ad agency, but he is soooo aggressive that i've lost a little interest. but my social calendar is pretty much filled all the time now.<br /><br />i dunno if i'm really cut out for the traditional-type relationship anymore. i'm so flawed and ridiculous that it would take a pretty open-hearted guy to put up with all i bring to a serious relationship. the casual type of relationship is great. but serious...meh. i dunno. i'm just hella glad i'm finally feeling like i'm getting over this breakup. i cannot believe how long it took for me. and secretly, i feel like i'll never be fully over it, but it's at least not ruling my everyday anymore. that feels like freedom to me.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-74982759914781108482008-04-10T09:42:00.000-06:002008-04-10T09:44:01.190-06:00Need Another PXXI Lessongeezus, its been over a year, and i somehow still broke one of the PXXI rules. bleh. yesterday i IMed blondie just to say hey. all was good, then i ended up asking about work. thats when i blew it ended up sounding like a jerk cuz i asked him to shoot over any overflow work to me. i'm sure he thought i was only contacting him for that. i wasn't. but i proceeded to stumble over my words and ended up looking like a huge arse. i'm quite sure i'm blocked now. whatever. i guess i should be. i don't really want to get back together with him, i just want to be friends. i don't think that is possible from his standpoint. so...PXXI is right again. why is it so fucking hard to just make things<br /><br />update - he pinged me back and said he didn't want to keep in touch. at least now i know.<br /><br />its best that way. maybe now i can rid myself from that speck of hope that i always carried with me.<br /><br />its like we never knew each other at all now...Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-59492832032427589592008-04-09T08:15:00.002-06:002008-04-09T08:26:39.185-06:00Connections<div style="text-align: left;">(past) - the last 4 digits of my new iPhone number are the month/day blondie was born. how random and terrible is that??<br /></div><br />(continuous) - i haven't blogged in forever, yet i'm still making a steady (albeit slow) stream of connections from this blog.<br /><br />(earth) - i worry that i'm leaving only a carbon footprint and this shite blog after me.<br /><br />(--) - no one is a witness to my life.<br /><br />(acceptance) - why is no one ever good enough?<br /><br />(committment) - i haven't been to a wedding for 3 years. the last one i attended was with blondie. i am going to a wedding this weekend. my 2 very good friends are getting married saturday. i don't know how i will keep from getting physically ill.<br /><br />(nerd) - i've fallen in love with NPR (especially Ira Glass - This American Life). this means i truly need to get a life :(<br /><br />(future) - moving into a brand new condo next week. this should be awesome to the extreme since i won't have roommates. all of the units in this condo have sold. clearly the real estate market is not tanked in this state yet.<br /><br />(pain) - i miss the Atlantic ocean bad.<br />i hate that my heart is still broken.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1139125660249003042006-02-05T02:53:00.000-07:002006-02-05T04:39:58.176-07:00done navelgazing - i.e. not over him yet but gonna act like i amso a few days ago i had a fucked up blow. my breakup blog was outed to blondie thru technorati. (say it with me. 'Fucking Technorati!' *i should put that as a tag in my profile...hahaha*)<br /><br />ever since then, i've waffled between keeping this blog or dumping it because of the hella intense embarrasment i have from blondie seeing what a weak arse i've become since our breakup. i'm so pissed that technorati gave him outdated cached info that he just followed, ending up here...GAWD! i'm pissed about that. and if you want to read my mini-rant on this, <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2006/01/busted.html">here it is</a>. the comments have more good stuff. anyway, i'm not gonna re-rant on this.<br /><br />so i'm thinking over (or maybe over-thinking) why i started this blog. i wrote in this blog to remember. i wrote out of respect for the most amazing guy i know. i wrote a personal shrine to our time together. i was truly happy with blondie. like i have never been before. and i thought it was going to last the rest of our lives. but yeah, <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2005/10/times-ill-miss.html">i wrote to remember</a>. i wrote to get the pain out. <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2005/11/nothing-hurts-worse-than.html">i was so brokenhearted</a>. and i wrote to heal. i wrote to <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2005/11/saying-goodbye.html">say goodbye and apologize</a> to blondie. my first posts were difficult to write because of how destroyed i was, and the fact that i knew that someone might find my words and tell me to quit being such a whiney-ass bitch. and that did happen. early on. but surprisingly, it didn't stop me. i kept writing and it got easier. i wrote here to <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2005/11/unsent-emails.html">keep from writing blondie so many life-story emails about why he should take me back</a>. i didn't think anyone would find this piece. breakup blog was just for me. <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2005/11/creep.html">no way would he ever find this</a>...or so i thot.<br /><br />i was a complete mess after this breakup for sooo long. we had an epoch love story in the making. it was such a sweet relationship. there were so many good memories. and after we broke up, <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2005/11/possibly-maybe.html">certain songs</a> brought the memories down on me so hard. it was painful, almost hard to breathe painful...but again so sweet because i was able to relive times in my mind with the guy i adore(d) so much.<br /><br />as the months passed, one day while i was writing a post with tears streaming down my face, and barely able to take a deep breath because of sobbing so hard (not unlike now), i began to wonder if the pain was a way for me to continue to feel connected to blondie. the pain had become familiar and was only about him. honestly, after a while i think writing about blondie became less healing, and more a way for me to keep a part of us alive. <br /><br />i wanted so bad to keep at least a friendship alive that i kept contacting blondie until i started a 21-day no contact program i named <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2005/12/project-xxi.html">PXXI</a>. that was the beginning of me truly starting to heal. i was so emo before and during pxxi. but it definitely did something for me. it shifted my thinking somehow. i really did start to chill during pxxi. and my world shifted somehow. while i was doing pxxi, people who i connected with previously seemed to come out of the woodwork and contacted me about work and getting together. my <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2006/01/protection-from-every-direction.html">mentor even contacted me</a> and encouraged me and really kicked my arse about not having my biz in order. so things changed while i was on pxxi. my life changed.<br /><br />so as i live in these changes now...the next steps in my life, growing up, moving, going from contractor to employee, i'm thinking maybe now is the right time to publicly end my posts about my time together with blondie. there are other reasons too, i guess. i think another reason is that i'm pretty sure that this time he has blocked me from IM for real since he happened upon this blog and read a lot of it. he wont respond to my emails now, and since he found breakup blog he's not even willing to keep the friendship thing going, even tho it was always a pretty lame excuse for a friendship anyway except for a few <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2006/01/still-in-love-pxxiwhat-pxxi.html">hilarious times</a> since our breakup. he's a good guy and i can't say anything bad about him. but i think the time i've spent writing in this blog over these past few months trying to adjust to life without blondie is done. blondie is one of those rare people that i will never be over. but i realize that it is time to put our sweet memories in a box and put it away now.<br /><br />so i wanna say thank you to everyone for helping me get thru this. thank you to my <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2005/11/thankful-for-my-friends.html">offline friends</a>. thank you to my new breakup blog friends. thank you for all of your support and comments and letting me have the privilege of growing with you as we all move on and get over our breakups. <br /><br />this is not goodbye. i'll be around. i'll start some new blog, and i'll let you know about it. i'm pretty sure it won't be on blogger. for the longest time i've had a copy of wordpress, and for my next blog, i'll buy a domain and set up a wordpress blog. hopefully there will be a lot less downtime that way and you all can blogtroll on my blog as much as you like ;)<br /><br />i love you all. i wish you all the best. please holla in the comments and lets have a growing up and getting over the ex party right here. i'm excited for what's ahead for all of us. cya in the next blog!<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B00004S6GL&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">Bye -- Elliott Smith</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00004S6GL" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B0009PWXH4&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">Close the Door -- Mobius Band </a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B0009PWXH4" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /><br /><br />*i will always love you blondie. and i will be here for you if you ever change your mind. otherwise my friend, the love of my life, have a wonderful, wonderful life. i miss you.*<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1321/516/1600/qwerty.0.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1321/516/320/qwerty.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1139113012909528122006-02-04T21:10:00.000-07:002015-07-20T10:27:04.035-06:00Why is Blogger down so much lately??at first i wondered if it was just me...but then i kept getting emails and IMs that readers couldn't access my blog...and i could only inconsistently access other blogger blogs. fuck google. what is the deal with the blogger uptime lately?? goddam. i'm going to get my own domain and post a blog from there since google servers are so wiggy.<br />
<br />
Playin now:<br />
stay entertained -- stellastarr*<br />
<br />
<iframe frameborder="0" marginheight="0" marginwidth="0" scrolling="no" src="http://rcm-na.amazon-adsystem.com/e/cm?t=internetm010c-20&o=1&p=8&l=as1&asins=B000AA7HK6&fc1=000000&IS2=1&lt1=_blank&lc1=0000ff&bc1=000000&bg1=ffffff&f=ifr" style="height: 240px; width: 120px;"></iframe><br />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1139111765784128832006-02-04T20:54:00.000-07:002006-02-04T20:56:05.843-07:00Fortune Cookie Say...Only 1 fortune in my fortune cookie tonite:<br /><br />"Good things are coming to you in due course of time." <br /><br />Sweet.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1138929688434265932006-02-02T18:21:00.000-07:002006-02-02T18:24:47.986-07:00Packing My Bagsso i came here with 3 suitcases...but now i have a whole lot more than that. x-mas, family and friends, amazon and zappos pretty much loaded me up with so much shit, i'm gonna have to face the difficult decision of what things to leave and what to take with me to maine.<br /><br />good thing is theres not really that much to worry about. just a few bags to pack. then, i leave in a little over a week, i'll fly out to meet up with trev, and we'll head to the east coast.<br /><br />i'm <span style="font-weight:bold;">so scared</span>. but i'm excited. this is the biggest move i've ever made cuz i'm not going there with a best friend or a boyfriend. i do have a friend there that i'll be staying with for the first month till my place gets furnished, and i love the people i will be working with. but this is a huge change for me. i guess after a huge breakup like this, it's prolly the best thing for me. i've got to move on completely. blondie did mention a possibility of us getting back together, but i'm starting to see now that it was more him just being the nice guy that he is. he didn't want to hurt me anymore than i already was hurting. so props to him for that. but i'm not holding out hope anymore. he doesn't contact me at all, so i'm just gonna follow his lead, and move on. (i'll miss going to ikea and your monster shopping trips with you, yo)<br /><br />and so next week i'm moving to a place i know nothing about. and i'm going to have to buy all new furniture. and get my arse out there and make all new friends to geek it up with. and start having fun again. and find a yoga or pilates studio. and use my paints. and..and...yeah. i'm starting over. it's fucking terrifying. but so the right thing.<br /><br />wow. this is one of those 'when one door closes, another one opens' moments. amazing how fucking scary it is. absolutely knee-knocking terrifying. but i'm ready for this.<br /><br />** <br /><br />on another note. i just want to send an open apology to any of the dudes i've chatted with that i've been a bitch to. i think i've taken out my hurt collectively on all guys. i just want to apologize for that. thank you guys for supporting me thru this. you're amazing.<br /><br />**<br /><br />looking at the amazing painting trev did for me. it is a bunny-man standing in front of a background that swirls and moves. the bunny-man doesn't have a normal face like with eyes, nose, ears...but instead he's got the word BREATHE spelled backward on his face. when he would look into a mirror, he would always see that reminder to breathe. that's what i need to remember. just breathe. slow my breathing and my heart. and just do shit that needs to be done and dont be such a scared bunny. <br /><br />bring it.<br /><br /><br />so much eclectic good music tonite during this post:<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B0008FPIPO&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">Autorelocator -- At The Drive-In</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B0008FPIPO" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B00005AUBA&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">Dial: Revenge -- Mogwai</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00005AUBA" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B00005U8L6&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">Trust Me -- Viva Death</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00005U8L6" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B000089CJI&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">The District Sleeps Alone Tonight -- The Postal Service</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B000089CJI" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B00013RC9I&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">Alone in Kyoto -- Air</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00013RC9I" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1138807663546337192006-02-01T08:06:00.000-07:002006-02-01T13:54:57.543-07:00Biz Notesso i'm gonna spend the day in over my head getting projects completed. then for the rest of the week, i have to work on my own biz stuff. and i'm feeling a little uninspired.<br /><br />but, i found this little <a href="http://blog.guykawasaki.com/2006/01/remember_the_sc.html">snippet of brilliance on guy kawasaki's blog</a>. hehehe, prolly the only whiney-azz broken hearted bitch linking to his blog, but...i love that man.<br /><blockquote><span style="font-weight:bold;">"Create something worth executing</span>.You're going to get tired of my obsession with great products but pitching, demoing, bootstrapping, and executing are a lot easier if you've created something meaning-full. It's hard to stay motivated and excited about executing crap. It's easy if you're changing the world. So if you and your team are having a hard time executing, maybe you're working on the wrong thing."</blockquote><br />so i'm also on a metaphor high today...<a href="http://sassinak.blogspot.com/2006/01/different-takes.html">sass</a> was all metaphorically fluent this morning, and so i'm seeing metaphors in almost everything now. and i'm seeing this whole execution/change the world thing as a metaphor to get out of my funk with this god forsaken breakup too...<br /><br />but mostly, i gotta get to work, not only on client stuff, but my own after-hours stuff...and this gives the most clarity to why i'm doing this shit with having my own business...it's totally to change the world.<br /><br />guys i heart for making me focus on my business:<br /><a href="http://blog.guykawasaki.com">guy kawasaki</a> <br /><a href="http://www.tompeters.com">tom peters</a><br /><a href="http://sethgodin.typepad.com/">seth godin</a><br /><br />there are more...i just gotta get to work now.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1138801400910046602006-02-01T06:42:00.000-07:002006-02-01T13:58:26.916-07:00You think so loud it hurts my ears...I want to know how to get through this without choking up. I can't feel youblondie, you're so far away...<br /><br />almost 2 years ago, that phrase 'you're so far away' started our whole little 'thing'. we had spent a week together with a friend at a conference in toronto, and we completely clicked there. when we got back to the states and were staying at this friends house a day before our flights back to our own states, we were crashed out in our friend's living room. blondie took the recliner, and i had the futon. as i was laying there thinking of our time in toronto, and how our beds there were right next to each other, and how we were going home the next day and might not see each other for a very long time, i just said 'blondie, you're so far away', and he came over and slept next to me. and that was it. he had me.<br /><br />but damn...that's a sweet memory...but it's only a memory now. and one that i need to lock away and not think about again for a very long time. cuz he is so far away now, but he's not coming to where i am to be near me. <br /><br />I HAVE <span style="font-weight:bold;">GOT</span> TO GET OVER HIM!!!<br /><br />i'm doing all the right stuff on the outside. i'm working more, i'm moving to a new place with absolutely no reminders of him. i'm working on my business. i'm taking care of myself physically. i'm even doing the post-breakup makeover (that kinda started cuz i haven't gotten to a salon in a very long time, but its looking kinda cute, and i'm gonna finally get to a salon and complete the transformation). so its all working on the outside.<br /><br />i guess some things are working on the inside too cuz when i talk about him now, i actually <span style="font-weight:bold;">don't</span> break down in tears. that was the stupidest and longest phase ever, but my heart was, i can't even express, it was just broken and bleeding and there was just nowhere for my emotions to go. my heart could not contain them because it was in pieces. and now it looks like it is healing itself a little.<br /><br />so how do i get past this phase i'm in now? i spend my nites dreaming about him. and every spare second i have where i'm not directly involved in doing work, he rushes into my head. i want control over this. i wanna think of him when i want to think of him. i'm sick of being at the mercy of my emotions. i wrote some words about that a few months ago right after our breakup. but how do i get over someone who was, imo, the one for me? i dated richer guys, cuter guys, funner guys, more popular guys, more affectionate guys...i dont think i have any delusions of thinking he is perfect. his flaws are out there for me to see. and even with that, he was the guy that i had been with for almost the longest time (there was another guy i was with longer). i was with him for so long and was ready to go to the next level, and then all of this other shit comes up and he breaks up with me. AAARRRGGGGHHHH! I MUST STOP!<br /><br />ok...so i'm doing all the right stuff outside. my feelings have to follow at some point.<br /><br />i've got numerous projects due today, so this meltdown must stop right now. it's totally good for me to have so much work, cuz that seems to be the only thing that consumes my mind enough for me to have some control over this.<br /><br />this heartbreak insanity is awesome. i wouldn't wish this shite on my worse enemy. i'm so hurt and want him back. <br /><br />but i just have to live like i dont give a fuck and i'm just happy being without him.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B000B66PTI&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">i'm content with losing -- underoath<br /></a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B000B66PTI" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1138729990726686922006-01-31T10:54:00.000-07:002006-01-31T16:26:01.460-07:00Technorati "Breakups" Royaltysince technorati is now the bane of my happy anonymous bloggy existence, i thot i would hang out with it for a while. actually, technorati hasn't been totally bad to me, it's brought me some good new readers...pathetic souls who get sick pleasure over my breakup misfortunes...and also some good cheerleaders to tell me to snap the fuck out of it.<br /><br />so looks like Ex from <a href="http://exgfproject.blogspot.com/">TheExgf Project</a> and BuB (me) are the <a href="http://technorati.com/explore/breakups">reigning king and queen of "breakups" at Technorati</a>. like the posts go me, me, ex, ex, me, me, ex, ex...hahahaha, and then some other random blogger. kinda funny...we <b>are</b> royalty.<br /><br />yet this is not what brought blondie to my blog. what brought him here is some FUCKING OUTDATED CACHE OF MY BLOG on technorati linking to his! aarrrrgghhh!! if not for that silliness, he would have had no interest in some shite breakup blog, even if he had seen it...just not his thing.<br /><br />bummer thing is that blondie came a few hours before my <a href="http://trosed.blogspot.com/2006/01/dropping-out.html">BIG decision</a> post. thats only a bummer cuz he'll never come back here to see that even tho i will always be sweet over him, i'm done with the rejection and am finafuckingly moving on already. <br /><br />ho hum<br /><br />word.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1138686580654898022006-01-30T22:03:00.000-07:002006-01-30T23:48:14.473-07:00Bustedone thing i always loved about my little blog was the anonymity. i always felt like there was pretty much no way that blondie would ever happen upon this piece. he doesn't care about the emo shit i write about here. and i take pretty great pains to keep this blog available only to people who are interested in the subject matter.<br /><br />but...last nite the impossible happened.<br /><br />blondie joined technorati and fucking technorati says breakup blog links to his blog...94 fucking days ago!! so out of curiosity, i'm sure, he clicks through to breakup blog and finds shit i never intended him to see. he poked around here for a few minutes before prolly leaving in horror.<br /><br />before this was breakup blog, it was just another shite personal blog of mine...i've had this blog address for a year and a half, i guess. and i was pretty sure blondie totally forgot about it...he has not been here at all, until fucking technorati gave him ancient information. maybe sometime in early '05, i guess i had a link to his blog...but goddam, fucking update my entry already techorati!!! i ping you every time i post, i cannot believe you are linking to links on my blog that were deleted almost 4 months ago AND mixing it up with content that is on the fucking blog now!!! there are NO links to his sites...cuz i didn't want this shit to happen...but, good ol' technorati outed me by posting outdated info. godDAMN!<br /><br />so yeah, i'm talking freely about all of this because i am willing to bet money that blondie will never come back here again. this is just not his idea of a constructive use of his time. plus he knows i get wet over log analysis, so he knows that i know that he was here and where he went while he was here.<br /><br />i forgot i had my msn on today, and after work he logged on, as usual. at the time that he logged on, i was still numb, cuz i had just looked thru my logs and saw that he found the site thru technorati. i fucking almost passed out when i saw that. but anyway, so he logs onto msn, i had my usual private wig like i do when he logs on...but i had NO temptation to message him. i'm totally mortified. my only consolation is that i know he's not overly curious about this shit. he won't ever bring it up, and i fucking aint gonna say anything about it either. it's just gonna be this stupid secret we both know about, but wont ever bring up. and the thing is, we both know it. i just dont have the heart for the wigginess that will happen if i bring it up. <br /><br />i am pretty sure that his heart isn't softened by what he read here...and i'm fucking pissed that he found it the way he did. fucking technorati.<br /><br />oh well...it changes nothing...unless he wants it to.<br /><br />crazy song playing:<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B00000AQPH&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">i specialize in lonliness -- boy george</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00000AQPH" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1138616218288208132006-01-30T01:48:00.000-07:002006-01-30T04:14:48.506-07:00Dropping OutOn my way...feeling a bit crazy. But I'm growing up a little. Right now. Feeling that same feeling I felt on graduation day. That excited/terrified feeling of going out into the world and making my mark.<br /><br />As of a few hours ago, i made the BIG decision. Left the past in the past. Let go of the pain. Hated it, but became crazy friends with it...a few hours ago, I walked away from it, I let it go. I realized that even tho blondie rejected me, I am still in love. But not necessarily with him anymore. I am in love with the same things I was before I met him. I'm in love with life. In love with what I do for work. Want heartbreak out of my life right now. Things are different. Life has remodeled itself. Done grieving.<br /><br />Remodeling myself too. Doing the makeover. Letting the old go. <br />Taking on a real job by day. Producing recurring profit-generating, scalable connection points with cushy exit strategies by night. (haha, yeah baby)<br />Building a new life. Moving to a new state. Living with new shit. Old shit is staying in Canada. Its settled.<br /><br />Best times of my life were with blondie. They'll open the way for my new direction. Only happy tears now, if any. Happy that I had the privilege of loving and being loved by the most amazing guy walking the earth right now. I will always cherish our time together. Its tucked away to recall in my old age. The sweetest memories ever to die old with.<br /><br />In the meantime, I'm dropping out of the grief club. No more wasting my life living in the past. Starting now, I'm following my heart and my intuition. Right now, my love is for my work. Work and my biz is my new relationship. I'll have to spend a lot of time with it, so I'm choosing everything about my work and biz that I love...the same way I will with a guy, when that time comes again. I never settled when I was with blondie, am not going to settle with my work now, and I will not settle in the next relationship I'm in either. <br /><br />Satisfied. Foolish. Taking on life. Bring It.Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1138594290342573082006-01-29T20:46:00.000-07:002006-01-29T21:12:01.133-07:00Fortune Cookie Say:actually got 2 fortune cookies again with dinner tonite. <br />#1 fortune say:<br /><blockquote>The night life is for you.</blockquote> what.the.flip??<br /><br />#2 fortune cookie say:<br /><blockquote>Get your mind set -- confidence will lead you on.</blockquote> mutha fuckin time.<br /><br /><br />chair dancing to:<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B0001F6BX4&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">my coco -- stellastarr*</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B0001F6BX4" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B00005QXEL&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">concrete seconds -- pinback</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00005QXEL" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1138555665963045402006-01-29T10:25:00.000-07:002006-01-29T10:27:46.013-07:00Happy Chinese New Year!Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-18383756.post-1138486032819854352006-01-28T15:03:00.000-07:002006-01-28T15:22:30.243-07:00Not Aloneso i'm heading to maine in a couple of weeks. i'm excited as shit...but i'm also kinda feeling like a scared kitten. mostly cuz i just am not an east coast girl. and the last time i seriously considered moving to the east coast, i worked out a deal for blondie to also get a job with the company who wanted to hire me. after an apprentice-style interview, they wanted me bad, and were warming up to blondie...but we both decided that we just didn't dig the east coast and the stuffiness there (as compared to chicago, or the west). so we declined the jobs and stayed put until this gig in ontario came up. then he moved up there...and finally me and all our shit got hauled up there. <br /><br />now...well, blondie and i are barely speaking. i got a huge new gig. they are training me in their main office. which is only a matter of plane fare since all of my shit is in canada still. anyway, i gotta find somewhere to live, people to hang out with. and i'm quite sure the scene in maine is gonna be nonexistent. so that will suck huge balls. i'll have to go to boston if i wanna hang with anyone...and since i don't currently have a car (the el train was my car), that's gonna happen like NEVER. sigh....<br /><br />so trev's coming with me to maine to get set up. one thing i hear from a lot of people is that i can get my smoke on there...hahaha. buncha tokin hippies out there...lol. but i don't smoke...goddammit!! and that sounds like the only fun i would have there...oh well.<br /><br />well...maybe there is where i'll finally grow up. i need to fucking quit playing these emo games. this is really the first time i've played any stupid breakup drama like to this extent...and lemme tell you, it's fucking going to be the last time. i've come to realize that no guy who won't love me back is worth this much pain...even if he does want to keep in touch and stay friends. i'm actually all about staying friends with blondie, cuz he's the smartest person i know, and i grow weary of being with people who all think the same...and that kid comes up with some fucked up brilliant shit, so i gotta stay friends with him, if possible. but he rejected me so bad and i hate him for that...yeah i said i hate him for that. i do. he let something precious go. this world sometimes hands us bad circumstances, but if someone who is not like the rest, and is so like you and is sweet loves you and you diss that, especially out of pride, then you fucking deserve whatever leftovers you get. and as i've said before, i wish him the best.<br /><br />the melodic noise coming from my playa this saturday afternoon:<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B00026WVC2&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door -- Underoath</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00026WVC2" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B0002Z83KC&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">Altered Course -- Isis</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B0002Z83KC" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B00004W5KD&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">Troublemaker -- Nada Surf</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B00004W5KD" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/redirect?link_code=as2&path=ASIN/B000AA7HK6&tag=internetm010c-20&camp=1789&creative=9325">Sweet Troubled Soul -- Stellastarr</a><img src="http://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=internetm010c-20&l=as2&o=1&a=B000AA7HK6" width="1" height="1" border="0" alt="" style="border:none !important; margin:0px !important;" />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02052323690034865442noreply@blogger.com1