Breakup Blog

That Damn Smile!!

2008-10-19T12:11:00.003-06:00

I just admitted to myself that for the first time since Blondie, I've come as close to falling in love again as I will ever be. Yet, it is not to be. Which, I have to say is a good thing. Dude reminds me too much of Blondie - in the good ways. Blondie reminds me of my dad in so many good ways. His brilliance, his kindness, his eyes, his humor, that damn smile.

I'm in love...but he doesn't love me.

Wonder if I'll ever have that connection with someone again?

“It’s Only After We’ve Lost Everything That We’re Free To Do Anything”

2008-10-11T11:45:00.001-06:00

Uncle already. I surrender. I lost the love of my life. I lost my ability to love, or maybe to be loved, because breaking up with Blondie destroyed me.

Actually, I'm over it. Have been for a really long time. But this morning I woke up remembering that his sister is getting married today. Getting married to the same guy she started dating a few months before Blondie and I started dating. I'm so happy for them.

Why does their marriage make me so emo again? First off, I woke up remembering they were getting married. I dreamed about Blondie last nite. I dreamed about things being the way they used to be. And that included seeing his sister and her fiance often. So coming out of that dream to the reality that I'm no longer with Blondie, and his sister is today getting married is bittersweet.

I've gone briefly into stalker mode and checked out flickr pics of Blondie. He looks good. He looks happy. And I check out his blog 3-4 times a year. Not often at all. I'm kinda over making myself suffer over him. But he was a very important person in my life. I'll probably always retain some sort of curiosity about how he's doing.

If you've read this blog long enough, you know that I lost myself when Blondie broke up with me. All this time later, it seems absolutely silly to even admit that. I'm pretty embarrassed about the complete emo drivel on this piece of shit blog. But then again, whatever. Its just a blog. Its just a breakup.

I guess what sucks is that I let myself lose so much more than just a relationship. And now my net is ripped open, and its just about me. What am I going to do with myself? I'm not sad really. Its just hard to open up when I know I've made it hard for guys to get close to me. I know I try to fit guys I date into Blondie's mold. None of them can compare, and I start getting all complainey about them or back off from them, and then find myself surprised when they decide not to play that game anymore. Thing is, I dont even want to play that game anymore. I'm jumping off that merry-go-round. I'm free.

What now?

Now I Feel Dirty

2008-10-07T11:03:00.003-06:00

I hung out with a new dude a little while ago. He's a hippie. I love hippies. But dude is gross. He thinks he's a programmer, but he's not very smart. He's a dirty hippie. Dirty being the key word. Like weeks worth of dishes in the sink. A floor that looks worse than the street. A smell I couldn't get out of my memory for hours. Just thinking about him makes me feel dirty.

Hate to sound like a fucking diva. Cuz I'm so down with alt living. Its just that dating sucks. Single guys sometimes suck. I probably do too.

New Addiction

2008-10-05T11:37:00.006-06:00

I'm so single it hurts. I fucking hate it!

Since my addiction to beautiful, brilliant, emotionally iffy guys isn't going to be taken care of, I'm feeling a need for a replacement addiction. I'm pretty much done with the dive bar scene - only because too many guys fitting the description of my first addiction are there. Torture. And drinking alone every damn day just feels weird. I don't do substances really. At least not the illicit kind. And I've rubbed it out till I'm no longer interested in solo sex. Lame.

Thinking all that's left is food. Which is so whack. But I'm sooo devoid of excitement - and the rush I get from meeting a guy I dig is so exciting. Strangely enough food gives a teeny tiny bit of that same rush. Why do you think so many single girls are a little chubby? I think it's cuz they're burned out on the whole dating scene, like myself, and get some strange satisfaction from eating that whole box of fancy cupcakes and buzzing like a mutha fucker on sugar and chocolate for like an hour afterward. That's totally similar to the whole orgasm afterglow - with none of the sweating that goes with sex. I'm in desperate need for some kind of change in my world. I'm like frantically seeking the non-illicit-drug dopamine rush. I'm chasing the dragon still. I'm completely addicted to something. Connection. Comfort. Something - i dunno.

Shut up! Yeah I need therapy. But if I could just love somebody and be loved by them, my normalcy level would balance out quite nicely. I don't really think everyone is meant to be alone and fucking isolated in the world. Works for some people. It's bullshit to me. I'll probably either eat or starve myself into some awesome self-induced dopamine high. No guys needed. I have my preference.

Flying Solo

2008-09-28T17:35:00.002-06:00

My relationships always end up being such a clusterfuck. I've decided to take a break from guys for a while and fly solo. I don't know how I'm gonna deal with my horndogginess, but I'll have to find a way.

Here's what I'm changing:

No more nightly pubbing with the guys.
No more constant IM and other communication with the guys.
Just gonna focus on work.

I can shift my career into high gear if I can get over these guys I always crush on. I don't really like bad boys, but the guys I'm into are definitely trainwrecks emotionally. Usually they're highly creative and methodological at the same time. Usually they haven't been in a relationship for a while and are intensely private. I dig guys like that cuz they're mostly quiet in a crowd, but brilliant and talkative and sexy alone. I love hanging with guys who make me think about the world in a different way. But they're drama because they're so creative and logical at the same time. They've got serious quiet angst, which apparently I think is as sexy as some chicas think bad boys are sexy. Gah!

So starting right now, I'm flying solo. Focusing on my career, focusing on bringing in the big bucks despite the fucked up economy. My job seems pretty recession-proof...but it's not crush-proof and I gotta stop the beautiful genius crushes. They're fucking up my life.

I Have A Crush!

2008-09-22T07:41:00.003-06:00

You know what's tits about being all growed up? You've already been 13...And I totally feel 13 again now, cuz I have a crush!!!

It's only a crush I have to tell myself. Cuz he's just too perfect. Tall, blonde/blue, hella intelligent artist/nerd. Oh and he's single!! And not just off a long term relationship. And we have friends in common. And we live fairly close to each other. And the fact that we had a drunk make out session recently is totally irrelevant. LOL...yeah, it's just a crush. But I'm soooo digging the butterflies in my tummy when he pings or calls me. I totally dig talking about social issues and politics with him. Love doing nerdy stuff with him.

Anyone wanna take bets on how long this one lasts? hahaha.

Online Dating Sucks

2008-08-13T18:10:00.004-06:00

I'm so fucking disgusted by online dating sites. Seriously, is it only the dregs of society that ever create profiles on dating sites? WTF?

Yesterday a local star photographer said to me 'I don't get how someone like you is still single. You're beautiful, you're intelligent, you're funny. How are you still single?' How the hell would I know. I do not get it. And I'm so ready to find an intelligent, hot, hip, 30+ guy to date for a while.

Breakup Spinout

2008-07-22T04:48:00.003-06:00

I wonder how long it takes to quit mentally spinning out over a breakup that was only short term to begin with. I can't belive I'm still tripping over this breakup. Its only been 2 days, but I hate it.

He's pretty much dead to me. I deleted all of our emails and text messages. I'm not going to make myself even crazier by going over each word we've written to each other. I've already been though that with Blondie, and it makes for a messed up head, lemme tell ya.

I guess I'm so sad because I wanted to spend more than 3 weeks with the guy...lol. Honestly. 3 months would have been great. And the thing is, I'm not clingy or possessive. I'm model tall and have a good body and am often called beautiful. I am smart, and witty and live in a great place - I only bring these things out to give you some background on me. Basically, for me, getting guys is hella easy. The hard part is keeping them after a few weeks together with them. I'm not sure what goes wrong. This time, I'm fucking sad about not being able to get to know this guy better. The worse part is that the breakup happened over a 3 day period through email and he refused to just tell me he wanted to end it on the phone or face to face. I guess the fact that I allow myself to go through such bullshit is 1 of the reasons I do go throught bullshit like this. But fuck...he just seemed so much better than the rest. I'm tripping over how this went down.

Fortune Cookie Say...

2008-07-21T14:05:00.002-06:00

I guess it's an old habit to go out and order Chinese or Thai food when I'm feeling down. Anyhoo, today's fortune cookie tells me:

"Others appreciate you more than you think."

Really? Excellent!

Breakup Expert

2008-07-21T11:34:00.002-06:00

Yeah, i'm an expert at getting guys to break up with me. geezus. I was with a really cool guy for about 3 weeks this time, and I pulled the breakup line with him. Something like, 'I really like you a lot, but I can tell you're not over your ex and not ready for something serious...what do you think if we just don't sleep together anymore till we see where things go'. Well, he was all over that - like that was his way out of a relationship which I have to admit, just spun into pseudo-seriousness waaaay too fast. But I thought this was a good way of slowing things down. No, this was a perfect way to have dude end all contact with me 'for a couple of weeks'. I call bullshit on that line...whatever.

Ok. I can hear you now thinking that this whole relationship clearly just started out wrong. I know. I made these 3 mistakes entering into this relationship:

1. I slept with him within 10 days of meeting him
2. I suggested it
3. I somehow thought he liked me for more than sex, cuz I liked him and thought he was pretty kickass.

This is not the first time I've done this. Actually, I pretty much am the breakup expert cuz when I look back on the past 6 months, I've had 5 breakups like this. Yes, 5. That's pretty much an average of a 3 week relationship to 2 weeks to find a new guy. Awesome.

I Thought I Was Gonna Die of Loneliness

2008-07-14T04:31:00.004-06:00

Hi. I'm still here. I know it's been forever since I've posted - again! And it's mostly because I have been so flipping lonely and it's been hard to keep writing the same whiney "i miss my ex-boyfriend so bad/it hurts so much/i'm gonna go crazy without him" emo drivel that i just gave it a rest.

And...and...well...i have to say PXXI worked!!! But i'm kind of a slow learner and it took more like 21 months instead of 21 days, but that shit finally worked. hahaha

So that means i'm dating again. dating guys that are worth my time. what a fucking loooong road. i seriously thought i was gonna die of loneliness in the process.

when i tried to break this crazy dry spell, i first went out with a guy i met on twitter. he was/is the lamest, most self-centered, not-even-hot guy i've met in a long time. he was only attractive to me at first cuz i met him on twitter (hahaha). so my immediate thought is that he's 1337, even if he's not hella hot i'm def more attracted to geeks than to pretty boys. but dude was neither! he was just on twitter cuz he wanted to meet more people. geezus. that tells you something right there. this kid has only lived in this god-forsaken city his whole life, and he needs to jump on twitter anonomously to make more friends?!?! ack!! that little dating episode lasted about a month. an agonizing month. he did a lot of hottie posturing he clearly must have learned from some trendy men's magazine. like for instance, i was at his place one nite and it was chilly so i asked him if he had a jacket i could borrow. well, for reasons only my body knows, we made out later that nite, and i took his jacket home and was gonna return it the next time we saw each other. but i kept forgetting to return that fucking jacket everytime. and i felt bad about always forgetting it cuz the more i saw him the more i realized he is NOT THE ONE. dude is going to school to be an architect, but he is not smart. trying to have a riveting conversation with dude is like trying to have a riveting conversation with my puppy. he keeps himself entertained with stories of how he and his mom and dad sit on their porch and make fun of people...holy shit. that's the one thing that makes him more excited than anything else i heard him talk about ever. dude is a small town hick who thinks he's hot shit for reasons i really cannot comprehend. he's only average looking, so i don't get his mad delusions of hotness at all. if i hadn't met him on twitter i would never have given him the time of day. gotta love the beautiful wrapper our online personas wrap us up in. but anyway, he kept suggesting that i was forgetting the jacket on purpose so i could see him again. FUUUUUUK NO!!! by that time i wanted that jacket and all remnants of him out of my house, car and life. he's a fucking Lame. so after i got so pissed at him telling me over and over that i really wanted to have more of him in my life & that's why i kept forgetting to give him back his jacket, i went to his place at a time when i knew he wasn't going to be there, left his jacket on his back porch and texted him that i wouldn't be seeing him anymore...he, of course, wanted to know why...so i made up some kinder excuse other than the harsh truth that i think he's a dim-witted, small town podunk who erroneously thinks he is hot shit and i can no longer stomach that stupidity. yeah, i'm totally hating. not really tho, i wish him the best.

i dated a little more after him, but dude drove me so nutz with his hottie posturing, that i think he deserves a paragraph on my blog for the kind of guys not to date. but i dunno, i went to dinner or lunch with different guys, never much more than that.

i had a pseudo crush on a co-worker...only because everyone thought we were together, when that thought hadn't even crossed our minds - we were just the only single people in the office so we hung out. and that crush lasted for about a month. but nothing ever came of it and it died away nicely. (i like that - no drama. i got to enjoy the view from across my cubicle while i was crushing, and we hung out a couple of times, but mostly just work. that was alright.)

then 3 other guys started talking to me - all about the same time. i am still talking to 1 of them regularly who happens to be a hardcore geek. another one is a tasty pretty boi working in an ad agency, but he is soooo aggressive that i've lost a little interest. but my social calendar is pretty much filled all the time now.

i dunno if i'm really cut out for the traditional-type relationship anymore. i'm so flawed and ridiculous that it would take a pretty open-hearted guy to put up with all i bring to a serious relationship. the casual type of relationship is great. but serious...meh. i dunno. i'm just hella glad i'm finally feeling like i'm getting over this breakup. i cannot believe how long it took for me. and secretly, i feel like i'll never be fully over it, but it's at least not ruling my everyday anymore. that feels like freedom to me.

Need Another PXXI Lesson

2008-04-10T09:42:00.000-06:00

geezus, its been over a year, and i somehow still broke one of the PXXI rules. bleh. yesterday i IMed blondie just to say hey. all was good, then i ended up asking about work. thats when i blew it ended up sounding like a jerk cuz i asked him to shoot over any overflow work to me. i'm sure he thought i was only contacting him for that. i wasn't. but i proceeded to stumble over my words and ended up looking like a huge arse. i'm quite sure i'm blocked now. whatever. i guess i should be. i don't really want to get back together with him, i just want to be friends. i don't think that is possible from his standpoint. so...PXXI is right again. why is it so fucking hard to just make things

update - he pinged me back and said he didn't want to keep in touch. at least now i know.

its best that way. maybe now i can rid myself from that speck of hope that i always carried with me.

its like we never knew each other at all now...

Connections

2008-04-09T08:15:00.002-06:00

(past) - the last 4 digits of my new iPhone number are the month/day blondie was born. how random and terrible is that??

(continuous) - i haven't blogged in forever, yet i'm still making a steady (albeit slow) stream of connections from this blog.

(earth) - i worry that i'm leaving only a carbon footprint and this shite blog after me.

(--) - no one is a witness to my life.

(acceptance) - why is no one ever good enough?

(committment) - i haven't been to a wedding for 3 years. the last one i attended was with blondie. i am going to a wedding this weekend. my 2 very good friends are getting married saturday. i don't know how i will keep from getting physically ill.

(nerd) - i've fallen in love with NPR (especially Ira Glass - This American Life). this means i truly need to get a life :(

(future) - moving into a brand new condo next week. this should be awesome to the extreme since i won't have roommates. all of the units in this condo have sold. clearly the real estate market is not tanked in this state yet.

(pain) - i miss the Atlantic ocean bad.
i hate that my heart is still broken.

done navelgazing - i.e. not over him yet but gonna act like i am

2006-02-05T02:53:00.000-07:00

so a few days ago i had a fucked up blow. my breakup blog was outed to blondie thru technorati. (say it with me. 'Fucking Technorati!' *i should put that as a tag in my profile...hahaha*)

ever since then, i've waffled between keeping this blog or dumping it because of the hella intense embarrasment i have from blondie seeing what a weak arse i've become since our breakup. i'm so pissed that technorati gave him outdated cached info that he just followed, ending up here...GAWD! i'm pissed about that. and if you want to read my mini-rant on this, here it is. the comments have more good stuff. anyway, i'm not gonna re-rant on this.

so i'm thinking over (or maybe over-thinking) why i started this blog. i wrote in this blog to remember. i wrote out of respect for the most amazing guy i know. i wrote a personal shrine to our time together. i was truly happy with blondie. like i have never been before. and i thought it was going to last the rest of our lives. but yeah, i wrote to remember. i wrote to get the pain out. i was so brokenhearted. and i wrote to heal. i wrote to say goodbye and apologize to blondie. my first posts were difficult to write because of how destroyed i was, and the fact that i knew that someone might find my words and tell me to quit being such a whiney-ass bitch. and that did happen. early on. but surprisingly, it didn't stop me. i kept writing and it got easier. i wrote here to keep from writing blondie so many life-story emails about why he should take me back. i didn't think anyone would find this piece. breakup blog was just for me. no way would he ever find this...or so i thot.

i was a complete mess after this breakup for sooo long. we had an epoch love story in the making. it was such a sweet relationship. there were so many good memories. and after we broke up, certain songs brought the memories down on me so hard. it was painful, almost hard to breathe painful...but again so sweet because i was able to relive times in my mind with the guy i adore(d) so much.

as the months passed, one day while i was writing a post with tears streaming down my face, and barely able to take a deep breath because of sobbing so hard (not unlike now), i began to wonder if the pain was a way for me to continue to feel connected to blondie. the pain had become familiar and was only about him. honestly, after a while i think writing about blondie became less healing, and more a way for me to keep a part of us alive.

i wanted so bad to keep at least a friendship alive that i kept contacting blondie until i started a 21-day no contact program i named PXXI. that was the beginning of me truly starting to heal. i was so emo before and during pxxi. but it definitely did something for me. it shifted my thinking somehow. i really did start to chill during pxxi. and my world shifted somehow. while i was doing pxxi, people who i connected with previously seemed to come out of the woodwork and contacted me about work and getting together. my mentor even contacted me and encouraged me and really kicked my arse about not having my biz in order. so things changed while i was on pxxi. my life changed.

so as i live in these changes now...the next steps in my life, growing up, moving, going from contractor to employee, i'm thinking maybe now is the right time to publicly end my posts about my time together with blondie. there are other reasons too, i guess. i think another reason is that i'm pretty sure that this time he has blocked me from IM for real since he happened upon this blog and read a lot of it. he wont respond to my emails now, and since he found breakup blog he's not even willing to keep the friendship thing going, even tho it was always a pretty lame excuse for a friendship anyway except for a few hilarious times since our breakup. he's a good guy and i can't say anything bad about him. but i think the time i've spent writing in this blog over these past few months trying to adjust to life without blondie is done. blondie is one of those rare people that i will never be over. but i realize that it is time to put our sweet memories in a box and put it away now.

so i wanna say thank you to everyone for helping me get thru this. thank you to my offline friends. thank you to my new breakup blog friends. thank you for all of your support and comments and letting me have the privilege of growing with you as we all move on and get over our breakups.

this is not goodbye. i'll be around. i'll start some new blog, and i'll let you know about it. i'm pretty sure it won't be on blogger. for the longest time i've had a copy of wordpress, and for my next blog, i'll buy a domain and set up a wordpress blog. hopefully there will be a lot less downtime that way and you all can blogtroll on my blog as much as you like ;)

i love you all. i wish you all the best. please holla in the comments and lets have a growing up and getting over the ex party right here. i'm excited for what's ahead for all of us. cya in the next blog!

Bye -- Elliott Smith
Close the Door -- Mobius Band

*i will always love you blondie. and i will be here for you if you ever change your mind. otherwise my friend, the love of my life, have a wonderful, wonderful life. i miss you.*

Why is Blogger down so much lately??

2006-02-04T21:10:00.000-07:00

at first i wondered if it was just me...but then i kept getting emails and IMs that readers couldn't access my blog...and i could only inconsistently access other blogger blogs. fuck google. what is the deal with the blogger uptime lately?? goddam. i'm going to get my own domain and post a blog from there since google servers are so wiggy.

Playin now:
stay entertained -- stellastarr*

Fortune Cookie Say...

2006-02-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

Only 1 fortune in my fortune cookie tonite:

"Good things are coming to you in due course of time."

Sweet.

Packing My Bags

2006-02-02T18:21:00.000-07:00

so i came here with 3 suitcases...but now i have a whole lot more than that. x-mas, family and friends, amazon and zappos pretty much loaded me up with so much shit, i'm gonna have to face the difficult decision of what things to leave and what to take with me to maine.

good thing is theres not really that much to worry about. just a few bags to pack. then, i leave in a little over a week, i'll fly out to meet up with trev, and we'll head to the east coast.

i'm so scared. but i'm excited. this is the biggest move i've ever made cuz i'm not going there with a best friend or a boyfriend. i do have a friend there that i'll be staying with for the first month till my place gets furnished, and i love the people i will be working with. but this is a huge change for me. i guess after a huge breakup like this, it's prolly the best thing for me. i've got to move on completely. blondie did mention a possibility of us getting back together, but i'm starting to see now that it was more him just being the nice guy that he is. he didn't want to hurt me anymore than i already was hurting. so props to him for that. but i'm not holding out hope anymore. he doesn't contact me at all, so i'm just gonna follow his lead, and move on. (i'll miss going to ikea and your monster shopping trips with you, yo)

and so next week i'm moving to a place i know nothing about. and i'm going to have to buy all new furniture. and get my arse out there and make all new friends to geek it up with. and start having fun again. and find a yoga or pilates studio. and use my paints. and..and...yeah. i'm starting over. it's fucking terrifying. but so the right thing.

wow. this is one of those 'when one door closes, another one opens' moments. amazing how fucking scary it is. absolutely knee-knocking terrifying. but i'm ready for this.

**

on another note. i just want to send an open apology to any of the dudes i've chatted with that i've been a bitch to. i think i've taken out my hurt collectively on all guys. i just want to apologize for that. thank you guys for supporting me thru this. you're amazing.

**

looking at the amazing painting trev did for me. it is a bunny-man standing in front of a background that swirls and moves. the bunny-man doesn't have a normal face like with eyes, nose, ears...but instead he's got the word BREATHE spelled backward on his face. when he would look into a mirror, he would always see that reminder to breathe. that's what i need to remember. just breathe. slow my breathing and my heart. and just do shit that needs to be done and dont be such a scared bunny.

bring it.

so much eclectic good music tonite during this post:
Autorelocator -- At The Drive-In
Dial: Revenge -- Mogwai
Trust Me -- Viva Death
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight -- The Postal Service
Alone in Kyoto -- Air

Biz Notes

2006-02-01T08:06:00.000-07:00

so i'm gonna spend the day in over my head getting projects completed. then for the rest of the week, i have to work on my own biz stuff. and i'm feeling a little uninspired.

but, i found this little snippet of brilliance on guy kawasaki's blog. hehehe, prolly the only whiney-azz broken hearted bitch linking to his blog, but...i love that man.

"Create something worth executing.You're going to get tired of my obsession with great products but pitching, demoing, bootstrapping, and executing are a lot easier if you've created something meaning-full. It's hard to stay motivated and excited about executing crap. It's easy if you're changing the world. So if you and your team are having a hard time executing, maybe you're working on the wrong thing."

so i'm also on a metaphor high today...sass was all metaphorically fluent this morning, and so i'm seeing metaphors in almost everything now. and i'm seeing this whole execution/change the world thing as a metaphor to get out of my funk with this god forsaken breakup too...

but mostly, i gotta get to work, not only on client stuff, but my own after-hours stuff...and this gives the most clarity to why i'm doing this shit with having my own business...it's totally to change the world.

guys i heart for making me focus on my business:
guy kawasaki
tom peters
seth godin

there are more...i just gotta get to work now.

You think so loud it hurts my ears...I want to know how to get through this without choking up. I can't feel you

2006-02-01T06:42:00.000-07:00

blondie, you're so far away...

almost 2 years ago, that phrase 'you're so far away' started our whole little 'thing'. we had spent a week together with a friend at a conference in toronto, and we completely clicked there. when we got back to the states and were staying at this friends house a day before our flights back to our own states, we were crashed out in our friend's living room. blondie took the recliner, and i had the futon. as i was laying there thinking of our time in toronto, and how our beds there were right next to each other, and how we were going home the next day and might not see each other for a very long time, i just said 'blondie, you're so far away', and he came over and slept next to me. and that was it. he had me.

but damn...that's a sweet memory...but it's only a memory now. and one that i need to lock away and not think about again for a very long time. cuz he is so far away now, but he's not coming to where i am to be near me.

I HAVE GOT TO GET OVER HIM!!!

i'm doing all the right stuff on the outside. i'm working more, i'm moving to a new place with absolutely no reminders of him. i'm working on my business. i'm taking care of myself physically. i'm even doing the post-breakup makeover (that kinda started cuz i haven't gotten to a salon in a very long time, but its looking kinda cute, and i'm gonna finally get to a salon and complete the transformation). so its all working on the outside.

i guess some things are working on the inside too cuz when i talk about him now, i actually don't break down in tears. that was the stupidest and longest phase ever, but my heart was, i can't even express, it was just broken and bleeding and there was just nowhere for my emotions to go. my heart could not contain them because it was in pieces. and now it looks like it is healing itself a little.

so how do i get past this phase i'm in now? i spend my nites dreaming about him. and every spare second i have where i'm not directly involved in doing work, he rushes into my head. i want control over this. i wanna think of him when i want to think of him. i'm sick of being at the mercy of my emotions. i wrote some words about that a few months ago right after our breakup. but how do i get over someone who was, imo, the one for me? i dated richer guys, cuter guys, funner guys, more popular guys, more affectionate guys...i dont think i have any delusions of thinking he is perfect. his flaws are out there for me to see. and even with that, he was the guy that i had been with for almost the longest time (there was another guy i was with longer). i was with him for so long and was ready to go to the next level, and then all of this other shit comes up and he breaks up with me. AAARRRGGGGHHHH! I MUST STOP!

ok...so i'm doing all the right stuff outside. my feelings have to follow at some point.

i've got numerous projects due today, so this meltdown must stop right now. it's totally good for me to have so much work, cuz that seems to be the only thing that consumes my mind enough for me to have some control over this.

this heartbreak insanity is awesome. i wouldn't wish this shite on my worse enemy. i'm so hurt and want him back.

but i just have to live like i dont give a fuck and i'm just happy being without him.

i'm content with losing -- underoath

Technorati "Breakups" Royalty

2006-01-31T10:54:00.000-07:00

since technorati is now the bane of my happy anonymous bloggy existence, i thot i would hang out with it for a while. actually, technorati hasn't been totally bad to me, it's brought me some good new readers...pathetic souls who get sick pleasure over my breakup misfortunes...and also some good cheerleaders to tell me to snap the fuck out of it.

so looks like Ex from TheExgf Project and BuB (me) are the reigning king and queen of "breakups" at Technorati. like the posts go me, me, ex, ex, me, me, ex, ex...hahahaha, and then some other random blogger. kinda funny...we are royalty.

yet this is not what brought blondie to my blog. what brought him here is some FUCKING OUTDATED CACHE OF MY BLOG on technorati linking to his! aarrrrgghhh!! if not for that silliness, he would have had no interest in some shite breakup blog, even if he had seen it...just not his thing.

bummer thing is that blondie came a few hours before my BIG decision post. thats only a bummer cuz he'll never come back here to see that even tho i will always be sweet over him, i'm done with the rejection and am finafuckingly moving on already.

ho hum

word.

Busted

2006-01-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

one thing i always loved about my little blog was the anonymity. i always felt like there was pretty much no way that blondie would ever happen upon this piece. he doesn't care about the emo shit i write about here. and i take pretty great pains to keep this blog available only to people who are interested in the subject matter.

but...last nite the impossible happened.

blondie joined technorati and fucking technorati says breakup blog links to his blog...94 fucking days ago!! so out of curiosity, i'm sure, he clicks through to breakup blog and finds shit i never intended him to see. he poked around here for a few minutes before prolly leaving in horror.

before this was breakup blog, it was just another shite personal blog of mine...i've had this blog address for a year and a half, i guess. and i was pretty sure blondie totally forgot about it...he has not been here at all, until fucking technorati gave him ancient information. maybe sometime in early '05, i guess i had a link to his blog...but goddam, fucking update my entry already techorati!!! i ping you every time i post, i cannot believe you are linking to links on my blog that were deleted almost 4 months ago AND mixing it up with content that is on the fucking blog now!!! there are NO links to his sites...cuz i didn't want this shit to happen...but, good ol' technorati outed me by posting outdated info. godDAMN!

so yeah, i'm talking freely about all of this because i am willing to bet money that blondie will never come back here again. this is just not his idea of a constructive use of his time. plus he knows i get wet over log analysis, so he knows that i know that he was here and where he went while he was here.

i forgot i had my msn on today, and after work he logged on, as usual. at the time that he logged on, i was still numb, cuz i had just looked thru my logs and saw that he found the site thru technorati. i fucking almost passed out when i saw that. but anyway, so he logs onto msn, i had my usual private wig like i do when he logs on...but i had NO temptation to message him. i'm totally mortified. my only consolation is that i know he's not overly curious about this shit. he won't ever bring it up, and i fucking aint gonna say anything about it either. it's just gonna be this stupid secret we both know about, but wont ever bring up. and the thing is, we both know it. i just dont have the heart for the wigginess that will happen if i bring it up.

i am pretty sure that his heart isn't softened by what he read here...and i'm fucking pissed that he found it the way he did. fucking technorati.

oh well...it changes nothing...unless he wants it to.

crazy song playing:
i specialize in lonliness -- boy george

Dropping Out

2006-01-30T01:48:00.000-07:00

On my way...feeling a bit crazy. But I'm growing up a little. Right now. Feeling that same feeling I felt on graduation day. That excited/terrified feeling of going out into the world and making my mark.

As of a few hours ago, i made the BIG decision. Left the past in the past. Let go of the pain. Hated it, but became crazy friends with it...a few hours ago, I walked away from it, I let it go. I realized that even tho blondie rejected me, I am still in love. But not necessarily with him anymore. I am in love with the same things I was before I met him. I'm in love with life. In love with what I do for work. Want heartbreak out of my life right now. Things are different. Life has remodeled itself. Done grieving.

Remodeling myself too. Doing the makeover. Letting the old go.
Taking on a real job by day. Producing recurring profit-generating, scalable connection points with cushy exit strategies by night. (haha, yeah baby)
Building a new life. Moving to a new state. Living with new shit. Old shit is staying in Canada. Its settled.

Best times of my life were with blondie. They'll open the way for my new direction. Only happy tears now, if any. Happy that I had the privilege of loving and being loved by the most amazing guy walking the earth right now. I will always cherish our time together. Its tucked away to recall in my old age. The sweetest memories ever to die old with.

In the meantime, I'm dropping out of the grief club. No more wasting my life living in the past. Starting now, I'm following my heart and my intuition. Right now, my love is for my work. Work and my biz is my new relationship. I'll have to spend a lot of time with it, so I'm choosing everything about my work and biz that I love...the same way I will with a guy, when that time comes again. I never settled when I was with blondie, am not going to settle with my work now, and I will not settle in the next relationship I'm in either.

Satisfied. Foolish. Taking on life. Bring It.

Fortune Cookie Say:

2006-01-29T20:46:00.000-07:00

actually got 2 fortune cookies again with dinner tonite.
#1 fortune say:

The night life is for you.

what.the.flip??

#2 fortune cookie say:

Get your mind set -- confidence will lead you on.

mutha fuckin time.

chair dancing to:
my coco -- stellastarr*
concrete seconds -- pinback

Happy Chinese New Year!

2006-01-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

Not Alone

2006-01-28T15:03:00.000-07:00

so i'm heading to maine in a couple of weeks. i'm excited as shit...but i'm also kinda feeling like a scared kitten. mostly cuz i just am not an east coast girl. and the last time i seriously considered moving to the east coast, i worked out a deal for blondie to also get a job with the company who wanted to hire me. after an apprentice-style interview, they wanted me bad, and were warming up to blondie...but we both decided that we just didn't dig the east coast and the stuffiness there (as compared to chicago, or the west). so we declined the jobs and stayed put until this gig in ontario came up. then he moved up there...and finally me and all our shit got hauled up there.

now...well, blondie and i are barely speaking. i got a huge new gig. they are training me in their main office. which is only a matter of plane fare since all of my shit is in canada still. anyway, i gotta find somewhere to live, people to hang out with. and i'm quite sure the scene in maine is gonna be nonexistent. so that will suck huge balls. i'll have to go to boston if i wanna hang with anyone...and since i don't currently have a car (the el train was my car), that's gonna happen like NEVER. sigh....

so trev's coming with me to maine to get set up. one thing i hear from a lot of people is that i can get my smoke on there...hahaha. buncha tokin hippies out there...lol. but i don't smoke...goddammit!! and that sounds like the only fun i would have there...oh well.

well...maybe there is where i'll finally grow up. i need to fucking quit playing these emo games. this is really the first time i've played any stupid breakup drama like to this extent...and lemme tell you, it's fucking going to be the last time. i've come to realize that no guy who won't love me back is worth this much pain...even if he does want to keep in touch and stay friends. i'm actually all about staying friends with blondie, cuz he's the smartest person i know, and i grow weary of being with people who all think the same...and that kid comes up with some fucked up brilliant shit, so i gotta stay friends with him, if possible. but he rejected me so bad and i hate him for that...yeah i said i hate him for that. i do. he let something precious go. this world sometimes hands us bad circumstances, but if someone who is not like the rest, and is so like you and is sweet loves you and you diss that, especially out of pride, then you fucking deserve whatever leftovers you get. and as i've said before, i wish him the best.

the melodic noise coming from my playa this saturday afternoon:
It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door -- Underoath
Altered Course -- Isis
Troublemaker -- Nada Surf
Sweet Troubled Soul -- Stellastarr

Alone on a Friday Nite

2006-01-27T18:13:00.000-07:00

...and working!

i'm actually doing OK w/o ol' blondie. been planning, and planning...booking flights, setting up meetings, in phone conferences, working on 5 projects at once! there is a LOT of exciting shit going on now, and i seriously don't have enough hours in the day to pine over blondie.

i am chill over this breakup today. i have tried unsuccessfully for the past few months to move on emotionally...but now i am moving on physically. i'm planning my move to the east coast. i'm not really as excited about that as i was to move to seattle, but my client told me today that seattle is not ready for more people in the office quite yet. but i am first on the list!! so that is all good. i'm def a midwest/west coast girl, so i wanna work that as soon as i can...may end up being 2 years tho :(

so i'm making progress...and it's not even as emo and full of angst as not making progress was...lol. in fact, i'm pretty goddam boring when i'm not emo. there is just seriously no happy medium with me...hahaha

any of my blog buddies as pathetic as me and home alone? ping me!

at least my music is doing something for me:
Last Place -- Broken Social Scene
Stay Loose -- Belle & Sebastian

oh, i forgot to do this a few days ago when i got them...but here is my latest pair of shoes from zappos.com. i LOVE that place. and i love these shoes cuz they're such a cool color...not my usual pink, but perfect anyway.

ya know, i think i'm starting to have a thing for this color, cuz i just realized that i have shoes this same color, but not even close to the same style...here they are. cute huh?:

these shoes look AMAZING with my lucky jeans. lucky jeans and silver jeans are the only ones i can wear cuz i have hella long legs...a 37" inseam!!! yeah baby, legs up to there! and only lucky and silver make cute lo cut jeans with long inseams like that.

i wanted to post a pic of my fav find from zappos.com. it was a pair of Vans Skull & Cross Bones Slippers in pink....holy shit those puppies are adorable....but they're no longer in stock, so i can't show you...but holy cute!

allright...wow, i went on a little tangent there, i gotta get back to work...

Stop the Madness!!

2006-01-26T18:37:00.000-07:00

if i am truly over it...why am i feeling dissed over apparently either being blocked or him not logging onto his IM like he has done for years after work?

i guess it's a possibility that he has been busy for the last two nites and just has not been on the computer...but the odds of that are LOW!

aaarrrgh!!!

so whatever. oh my gosh, whatever!

........................

so i guess one thing that is kinda exciting me is that i'm in a time of flux. i have many decisions to make. and i need to not blow any of them. as of about an hour ago, i may be able to hit up the president of the company who is sending me to maine to send me instead to my dream spot (even more than chicago, i think...i dunno) seattle. they have been looking to expand that office, and i would be willing to work in an office if they would send me there.

so many decisions. so few real answers. my life is not mine right now...i'm so at the whim of prospective employers and others. i have to somehow keep an after-hours indie $$$$$$-maker, but if i'm getting job offers, i really gotta at least consider them at this point. i'm not gonna get new furniture into a new apartment by begging blondie to bring my shit out of canada the way he took it in, that's for goddam sure.

gawd i'm sick of wanting to fucking HURL everytime i think of this shite...

Over It

2006-01-26T10:06:00.000-07:00

so...i wake up this morning, stumble into the bathroom, and as usual, remember my time together with blondie. and (not for the first time), i accepted the fact that we did break up. this time, it actually didn't hurt.

this time, i realized, more than intellectually, but completely emotionally, that i can live without blondie and be happy without him as my guy. i also got that i really may never be over him in the sense of connecting on that many levels with a person so completely. he was MY One. i've heard all the arguments on there not really being just one love for somebody, but i recognized that he was the one within hours of getting to know him...and then after a year and a half of being his, and almost 2 years of knowing him, i know that it is true. he is The One for me. he didn't have to adjust to me, and i didn't have to adjust to him. when i met him, he was just perfect...flaws and all.

but after we had this bit of outside trouble, he will not be mine.

the thought is making it hard to swallow, i have this huge knot in my throat, i almost can't breathe, and the tears are monsooning from my eyes.

yet i am over it.

we've been emailing about a few things completely unrelated to our relationship or moving my shit back from canada. and this morning i had more news to share with him about our email subject, so i told him about that...about another wild dream i had about him...ok, so in the dream, we were with friends, out in the boonies for some crazy reason, and we were just hanging out. anyway so this group of people come over to talk to us, and after a while, they all of a sudden surround blondie and kidnap him! so me and all my other friends go running after them, but they had guns and a car, and we were on foot, no car for some reason. and because we were out in the rurals, our cell phones wouldn't work. so we ran after this car, some of us took shortcuts and we just tried for so long to find him. finally everyone in the group said they were tired, it was getting dark and they just wanted to go play video games and said blondie would be ok. i was livid--i mean RED HOT PISSED to say the least. so i just left them and looked for blondie myself. finally the next morning i found him, and he was with only one of the captors. so i got his attention and he noticed me. we were doing some silent communication with our eyes, he just understood that he was to run when i gave him the signal. so when his captor was not paying attention, he ran, we ran...and then all of the kidnappers came out and started chasing us saying they were going to kill us.

then i woke up.

so in that email i also tell him about that crazy dream. and then i kinda explained to him about the whole friends thing. i didn't tell him this, but i think one of the reasons it failed so miserably before is because i didn't really want things to change. i wanted him to still love me and basically keep kind of a long distance thing with me. i always felt so dissed when things didn't go right, and i always told him that i felt dissed...which might have been ok, but then i would also go into my life story and try to make him see how much i loved him and how he should take me back.

of course, after that he would avoid me. i would chase. the whole thing would start over and it has been ridiculously exhausting.

i don't want that anymore. and i know he doesn't want me like that anymore. but i know he still likes me. so i told him that i would be his friend forever even when he fell in love with a new little trick. and i would even go to his wedding if he invited me. it's just so rare to find a person who you connect with on so many levels, and our relationship was strongly based on our friendship and common interests from the beginning anyway, not a sexual vibe, like a lot of bf/gf relationships are.

i'm over it. i just wish i didn't still feel like throwing up. i guess i'll get over that too. i'm just not gonna live in the past anymore.

Songs on my playa during this corner turning post:
Loose Translation -- New Pornographers
Get Real -- Hockey Night
Fall On Every Whim -- Longwave
Window -- Joy Zipper
Wrong Side -- French Kicks

smack flowing thru my veins

2006-01-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

so...i IMed blondie tonite.

i want my box back.

no other motives. (...)

we had an ugly post-post breakup blowup a couple of weeks ago which pretty much paralyzed me emotionally. i couldn't write, couldn't talk about feelings at all.

because of the blowup, he wouldn't talk to me at first tonite. but then i told him i don't know what happened last time we chatted, but i'm sorry for how it went down, and i just wanted to pin down the logistics of how i'm gonna get my box from him when he gets back to chicago.

took him a while, but he finally replied...then we chatted for an hour or so...about me, about him, work, conferences, being sick of making other people rich (i.e. being indie)

i told him about the dream i had about his family. he said it was the lamest dream ever...hahahaha...nothing mean.

he started out chilly...but it ended up as a normal conversation...and like after a while we were busy with other things and weren't chatting anymore...but, just like he's done for the past couple of years, when he was ready to log off, he told me good nite first...

actually this time he told me "ttyl". and he does/says EVERYTHING on purpose.

i guess i will talk to him later.

i can breathe/write/smile/focus now...got my smack

still so pathetic...and still can't be helped. i dunno...this is fucking stupid.

temporarily bi-polar

2006-01-24T10:22:00.000-07:00

holy mental.

i feel fucking bi-polar trying to get over blondie. some days like yesterday, i'm all broken and have no hope. but other days like today, then i'm all better-than-everyone-ambitious, and that wierds me out too...

when is the fucking happy medium gonna start? i don't wanna be that hard ambitious bitch...and i can't be the whiney bitch forever either...ready for some balance already.

Morning music:
Blame It On the Tetons -- Modest Mouse
I Will Sing You Songs -- My Morning Jacket

Walking away

2006-01-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

for the past week, i've jumped head-first into more work than i can handle...anything to keep my mind off blondie.

i would like to say that it works, but there's always those times when i just can't work anymore. i'm hammered. i crash...and there he is, in my dreams. i totally never remember my dreams...til he totally knifed my heart and left me bleeding last week. that started this lucid dream stupidity.

the last dream i had was me having his parents over for dinner. seriously. i've never actually seen his parents or grandparents face to face, but i've seen pics...in my dreams, they were totally the same as in the pics. blondie was there, and we were still broken up...his family still came to my place for dinner. in the dream, it was less weird than i thot it would be. blondie didn't even act like we were broken up.

one dream was me seeing blondie with a new hipster trick. he seemed happy and i was happy for them. EEP!!! gawd...when i think of that dream now, i feel like throwing up.

sigh...fucking dreams

i should be, and i dunno, maybe i am totally on my way to getting over him...but it just feels like i'm going to be dead inside forever. i'll look fine on the outside...flirt like i do...but never, ever love again. did i misunderstand what we had going? when i told him i wanted to go to the next step but didn't actually define what that next step was, did that mean to him that we were still just playing? when i moved to canada to be with him, at his request, did that not mean anything at all? when i spent all of my spare time with him, and never left him unless i had to, did that not mean anything? it was so easy for him to let me go when a problem came up...he fucking cut my heart out and left me for dead...and he feels so right in doing that. he's not. he's fucking not right. guess it really doesn't matter cuz i have no heart to hurt again.

that's allright. i loved you with all of my heart blondie. it ends with you. but whatever. i'm still alive...i'll survive ('i will survive' by beck playing in my head)

i'm having a day today...just back to the tears...stupid shit. but whatever. feeling lame enough today to post some song lyrics...i know...fuck me cuz i'm lamerz...but whatever...everyone can just go fuck off today. it's my goddam blog. best part about these lyrics, is that they're by ben...hmmm..whatever his name is. see? i don't even listen to the dude...harper! that's it...but a blog friend sent me this tune, and the lyrics fucking rip my heart out...what's left of it.

Walk Away

Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.

i believe in karma...but sometimes bad things happen to good people that i don't understand. i'm caught up in this now. and i guess what gets me thru is that i have always been a good person, even tho blondie doesn't think so. guess that doesn't even matter. and all i know is that this time next year, i'll be past this crying shit, be on my feet...in my own place...with or without my shit from canada. and none of this will matter to the people in my life then. maybe i'll decide then to start going out again...but won't feel bad if i am not ready. i'm just on the last dying breaths of caring anymore...and i'm just gonna get thru this while not turning completely square and hateful any way i can. oh well...i am strong now. done with this curse called love.

old skool playing on loop:

New Order (Vicious Streak & Someone Like You Getting More Play than the rest)

simple

2006-01-21T21:33:00.000-07:00

if you have a hot girl who will do anything for you and is sweet and is easy to talk with and makes you happy and she wants you to tell her that you love her, tell her you love her. and if she wants to be yours and yours only and youre older than the dirt, then let the girl be yours and yours only...

dont let the demons keep you from good.

- tonypierce of busblog

goddam...it's really this simple

WTF Fortune

2006-01-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

Fortune cookie say: :) Your love life will be happy and harmonious :)

huh?

...so i always order from this chinese food place mostly cuz it's close and i always love the fortunes...they're totally ALWAYS true. but what the fucking fuck is up with this evil fortune?? it's like taunting me for being a dumbass failure at relationships. and the WORST part is that there is a fucking smiley face on the beginning and end of the fortune!!

bah!

playing now on my playa:

Franz Ferdinand

Protection From Every Direction

2006-01-20T05:47:00.000-07:00

"you can't move forward looking back"

this is what a mentor of mine told me last nite...gawd, even when i don't mean to, sometimes i still end up getting all emo over blondie. and that happened while i was talking to my mentor.

but he was not impressed...what this dude told me...well, that was prolly the biggest kick in the arse i've gotten in a long time. i mean, this mentor didn't really give a shit how i felt about blondie, cuz it is in the past...and my mentor is all about my future...he's committed to seeing me succeed and i think he's hella horrified over what a whining bitch i've become at the mention of blondie and our breakup. cuz, that just aint me...but somehow this breakup possessed me and made me try to resurrect the past. my mentor aint having any of that shite.

that was tough love at it's finest...i fucking felt all new after he got done with me. i felt like i learned a bunch of stuff about blondie after my mentor opened my eyes...and i just wish blondie the best. i love that beautiful shit blondie, and hope he does everything he wants to in life, but my mentor really helped me see how it's time for me to let go and move on...i think i'm ready to do that (almost).

so i just wanna say to my broken hearted buddies...buck up yos. (s)he's in the past...be about your future. maybe they'll be a part of your future, but they won't get there by you pining over the past...they may not be there, and if they're stupid enough to let the best thing they ever had go, then you totally deserve someone who will love you.

so i'm gonna try not to be a hypocrite...for the first time, i'm really, really thinking i am ready to try to move on.

here's a line to a song i heard yesterday...i have no idea who the band is, but i loved the tune...let me know if you know this song "i dont miss you at all i dont want you to call i'm not alone i'm doing fine...i'll see you someday"

Life Fucking Goes On....

2006-01-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

oh man...so i am involved in a MONSTER project...i did not realize how HUGE this was gonna be...i have been working on this for weeks now, thought i was gonna be able to say Mission Complete to this gig today...but instead i worked like a maniac all day...eyes are all glazed over, and it prolly has another 5 hours of work to do on it, just as a first draft. holy crap.

anyhoo...so i'm surviving without blondie. i knew i would. i was just hoping he would see the error of his ways in letting me go. but it's obvious that he hasn't. he's prolly chatting up some pretty little trick from his past. whatever makes him happy, i guess.

the only 2 priorities on my mind now are:
1) working my azz off till i make my biz what i really want it to be. right now, it's a pathetic excuse for a business, but that will definitely change dramatically in 2006.
2) getting my shit back from canada

i decided that i'm not abandoning this blog...you guys have all been too good to me for me to drop this cuz blondie made some decisions i disagree with (sorry, i still can't say anything bad about him...i did love him with all of my heart, and always will to some extent). so look for me to continue dumping here...but now you'll hear a lot more about me and less about blondie...and that's all good. i'm pretty sure that's why you all keep coming back for anyway...not for the latest 411 on blondie...you dont even know who the fuck blondie is anyway!!??? hahaha

So check out the new album by The Strokes -- First Impressions of Earth. I don't care what the critics say...this is one damn fine album!!

Fin

2006-01-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

well he's coming back to chicago and my shit is staying in canada. he said he will bring my box back...but that's it. everything about this is so unfair...and he doesn't care. he's just being mean now. and theres nothing i can do.

i'm done. done talking about him. maybe done with this blog. sick of remembering him. he was so sweet when we were together. now...i've never seen this side of him.

crushed...he's just mean now and acts like i should be grateful for that. got 3 suitcases to my name...the rest is staying up there. and he doesn't give a shit.

he told me to fuck off...

ok blondie. fine.
Fin.

Fuzzy Reflections

2006-01-14T08:02:00.000-07:00

i think sometimes people use excuses as to why they are so judgemental. sometimes i think they judge others harshly when they see a faint reflection of something they don't like about themselves in the other person.

today i'm feeling hurt...and feeling angry cuz i just do not get why blondie wouldn't want to work things out with us. feeling pissed at the world cuz i didn't find anyone i fully loved and connected with till blondie.

i'm fucking pissed that if i want to be with someone that i will have to settle...i'm fucking PISSED about that!! i've always settled. until i met blondie. he was 'the one'. i used to date so much before i met blondie that i feel like i have dated EVERY guy...and blondie was so much different/better than anyone i ever met and/or dated.

i guess i'm even kinda pissed that i'm gonna be alone, cuz i fucking won't settle. been there done that...fuck no. never again. i will miss being naked in bed with someone, miss weekends together, miss all the fun private and public couple stuff.

fuck...i only just miss blondie. i dont really miss any of that stuff without him being the one i do those things with. goddam.

why the fuck can't i sleep in on weekends without him? i HATE that!

Tunes playing this morning:
Maps -- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Silent Fighting -- Nada Surf
The View -- Modest Mouse
May Nothing But Happiness Come Through Your Door -- Mogwai
Wills Dissolve -- Isis

Without Him

2006-01-13T17:55:00.000-07:00

Gosh, I've had a really productive week. I'm almost feeling high on work. I know, that sounds kinda sad...but compared to the depths of hades I've been living in these past few months, I'm thinking being a workaholic kinda rules right now.

So I had a little bit of IM fun with blondie this week...and a lot of stuff in his world that might kinda affect me has happened too. I have no idea what the status is on anything there with him. And, other than worrying a bit about my shit, I'm ok with not knowing absolutely everything that is going on with him.

What I'm feeling right now is a little bit of chill. I'm just not crying all the time because I miss him. I cried today for about 10 seconds, and then I got back to my life. I miss him. But it doesn't hurt as bad. For the past few nights, I haven't darkened my pillowcase with tears over our breakup. And I can focus on work and my mind even stills more when I do yoga in the morning.

I'm lonely without him, and almost homesick, if that makes any sense. I miss being in the same apartment with him for weeks at a time before I go home to my own apartment. I miss standing behind him while he cooks or does whatever and hugging him. I even miss him telling me not to hug him cuz he's holding a knife, or whatever...hahahaa. Sometimes I just couldn't resist tho...he just always smelled so good...and his chest was so muscular...loved to feel it. I just loved being close to him.

But now I just have to move on with my life without him...hope we find our way back to each other again sometime. We were good together.

Seriously...how does my player know my mood?? Maybe it's just spooky cuz its Friday the 13th.
Track: A Movie Script Ending -- DCFC -- Album:The Photo Album
Track: Heaven Knows -- Rise Against -- Album:Revolutions Per Minute

So Up & Down I'm Getting Queasy

2006-01-12T16:47:00.000-07:00

so i debated about whether to blog about the latest developments...

1: barbados is cancelled...blondie is happy about that...negotiations are sketchy (important)
2: this all means that blondie "may" quit and move back to the states. meaning...
3: i may not need colo, because i will beg/pay him to bring all my stuff back with him

Ok...with all of this happening, i'm just not sure how pxxi is going to work out for me right now.

what is happening right now is such a big deal in the big scheme of things for me...i have not talked to blondie about moving my shit back with his, but i will need to if he decides to quit.

he may decide to continue working on contract negotiations from another company there that is talking to him...but i don't know. and it is not really something i can talk really in depth to him about since i'm not his anymore...

but it's important because i want my shit!

...and of course, cuz i would like to get back with him at some point. i miss him. i miss his crazy sense of humor...was fun to share that with all of you a few posts ago...i miss working with him - the kid is brilliant...and he mentioned last nite that he has no reason to ever work for someone again...the indie bug bit him.

all i can say is that once he decides on what he's going to do about either staying there in canada working or come back to the states, then all should be go for pxxi...but i just dont see how i can do it now.

comments?

Playing now:
i want to be the boy - the white stripes
time turned fragile -- motion city soundtrack
he war -- cat power

Post Breakup Clarity : PXXI 2.1/1

2006-01-11T00:52:00.000-07:00

so i got a taste of my sweet old blondie a couple of nites ago...he's still amazing. but we've still got a LONG way to go...he broke up with me in october...and we've been trying this 'just friends' shite without much success till lately for a long time.

even tho things went good with us when i contacted him those 3 nites, i decided that i'm starting pxxi again today. i even got protection from every direction. i got someone willing to help me find a colo for my computer in toronto so i don't have to contact him about using my machine (thanks sass!). someone to help me find a runner to pick up the box from blondie's house and take it to the colo location (hahaha did that make sense? thanks othercat!) someone to do pxxi with (thanks caro!!) and someone with eyes open for gigs and jobs for me (thanks sugar daddy!).

i'm seriously so happy with what pxxi did for me the first time, that i'm really excited to get started again. it was sooo painful, but the results were so worth the pain.

thing is, i have no idea if blondie and i will ever be an item again, so pxxi is good just to help me find me again...but it also seemed to have the added benefit of chilling out the wigginess between blondie and i...made him absolutely sweet towards me. no idea if that will last, but that's not really the point anymore. (wow...i really can't believe i just typed that!!)

Sweet morning tunes:
Let Go -- Nada Surf

Still In Love: Pxxi...What Pxxi???

2006-01-10T09:14:00.000-07:00

(note: LONGEST POST EVER!!)
oh man...reading my diary from early last year...

Feb 2005

"wow, as i read over the past few months of my time with blondie, i can see that we have/are creating an epic love story...

my big worry is that i don't want to become a boring married couple type..."

so that was like a year ago...and the last few nites that i've had to contact blondie about getting vpn into my machine, it's almost like nothing has even changed between us.

gawd, i'm in love with that kid!!

when this whole vpn madness started, i PayPaled blondie some $$ for his 'trouble' to set up my box in his living room and also for the hydro and connection expense. about 10 minutes later, he refunds it, with the note 'I do not want your money.'

wtf? i wait for like, i dunno, maybe an hour for some other message of whether he's gonna let me vpn into my machine....nothing. i'm guessing he's prolly pissed at me for some unknown reason (which happened for a few months...broke my heart)

so after i get no message from him, i email him just the subject line 'you ok?'...and he emails back with his response...says he's gonna set up my box, yada yada...29 messages back and forth later, i'm done using my box for the nite and he tells me he will leave it on till he gets home from work the next day. cool.

so yesterday when i go to use my box, my fucking Zone Alarm keeps popping up keeping me from accessing some software that i upgraded the previous nite. and that's fine, that's what Zone Alarm is for....but for some reason, my mouse, tab, NOTHING from my end would work to either click Accept Program on Zone Alarm, or allow me to just kill the program...AAARRRRGH!! so all day, i couldn't work on my machine.

so blondie gets home from work...pulls the plug on my machine and puts it back in his closet...after about an hour, i notice my box is offline and the good doctor (blondie) is online. (as an aside, he is not a dr. but that is one of his nics...something like Dr. Blondie...but not...hahaha) anyhoo, so i IM him and ask that he plug my box back in...

i cant really remember how the whole thing went, but the "condensed" version went something like:

(me) my ZA is keeping me from using my program, how was your day? (i.e how did contract negotiations go)

(blondie) negotions were ok. they either need to let me take the job i want or make this job worth my time

(me -- seriously thinking this guy is brilliant, but not going to show me up completely) hey i got some job news too...the largest *** company in the us emailed me and asked for my cv

(blondie) Cool

(me) so blondie, can i have my machine for an hour tonite?

(blondie) that thing is loud as fuck. what was the permission problem?

(me) the software i just upgraded...and can't you put the box in your closet and just do wireless?

(blondie) BLAH BLAH (i seriously dont understand what he was talking about...but the answer was no)

(me-- changing subject) why don't your Live Bookmarks work with your blog anymore?

(blondie) i upgraded servers

(me -- taking my chances) you look very cute in the pics you uploaded

(blondie) great

(me) 'thank you' is the appropriate response...have you no manners?

(blondie) no i do not....'my name is blondie and jesus loves me'

(me) oh gawd...jesus martinez?

(blondie) maybe

(me - ignoring his silliness) so blondie, can i get my machine back for an hour tonite?

(blondie) send n00dz

(me -- ROLLING on the floor laughing...but slightly freaked out cuz this is SO NORMAL, and he's been such a fucking grump since we broke up...) this is Jenns! IM window...not someone else's...but i got some n00dz for ya, yeah baby!

(blondie) send n00dz

(me -- changing subject cuz by now my knees are weak) so you never did answer my question yo

(blondie) try your box now

(me) plz click Accept on my ZA

(blondie) i am going to uninstall it

(me) oh no you dont

(blondie) then you are fucked

(me) fine

(me --living on the edge) i like being fucked...especially by YOU!!

(blondie) i know, you were always begging for IT

(me) yes i was
--------
ohhhhh this is descending down into the pits of complete stupidity -- and if you're still with me after all this...my apologies...lol
-------
(blondie) try and disable it

(me) blondie...my fucking mouse will NOT work on it from here...just click it to disable it from there

(blondie) i have to get up to go use the mouse for your machine

(me) what a lazy arse

(blondie) what a demanding wench

(me REALLY taking my chances) perfect for each other

christ, we are a couple of ranting bitches...we totally make something small turn into a mini IM drama...i think only cuz it gives us an excuse to flirt with each other while trying to sound like hard asses...but its SOOOO FUN!! hahaha
-----
So pxxi? well...here is my take on the whole pxxi thing:

- Before pxxi things were BAD
- My failed attempt at pxxi gave us 2 1/2 weeks of no contact
- My conclusion is that pxxi is mad good at helping mend old wounds
- It helps for couples who were perfect for each other and therefore might reconcile if things don't go down into the depths of meanness...seriously, take a stab at pxxi
- It helps heal broken hearts for couples who are not going to get back together

I think that if i hadn't done pxxi...even though i failed by 5 days...then things would have kept getting ugly with us. in fact, yesterday would have been the final pxxi day, and before yesterday any contact with blondie and i was purely business-like. until yesterday...it got fun again and more like what it used to always be.

So, i dunno...i almost think i wanna go ahead and give pxxi a try again...even if it doesn't last the full 21 days...cuz the thing about blondie and i is that we never had any relationship problems...we were totally into each other...but a HUGE, life changing outside circumstance or 2 came up and pretty much killed things between us...but to see him treating me close to the way he used to before this all went down means everything to me.

Because we are in different countries, there is gonna be no bf/gf thing happening for a long time...i refuse to do the ld thing...well maybe not refuse...but it's hella difficult what with the travel and expense. i'm guessing we will not rush into anything like that at all...

I'm thinking that if we are going to be together forever, this time of getting shit taken care of will not hurt anything with us...we both need our independence and don't like the idea of being smothered by another person. (the idea just gives me shivers....Brrrr) If we can grow our relationship via a long distance relationship, i'm all about that...but once we can get back to the same city as each other...that's when the REAL stuff will start to happen. I'm not settling for less now...i just don't want more until circumstances change a bit. So i guess the perfect scenario for us would be that we just start over...start having fun with each other again like we've done for the past couple of nites, and then when we see each other at conferences, maybe spend some alone time together and see what happens ;)

i'm so into that adorable little shit...
---
of course, all of this could really mean nothing...

Oh Man! I Hope I Didn't Blow It : Pxxi - On Hold

2006-01-09T10:38:00.000-07:00

sooo...my uk friend (let's call him SD for Sugar Daddy), emails me back this morning after his talk with the VP of this tech company. He put in a good word for me...he threatened not to buy this VP "any more drinks for the rest of his fucking miserable life" if he didn't hire me...but he could offer no guarantees...

and that's ok. i would kinda like to meet these people before i accept a job anyway.

so i send my cv to the VP...yes, a cv. i do not have a resume...cuz seriously, i started my first biz at 18 and just never took on a real JOB with a company...worked virtually, worked as a consultant, worked as a contractor, only in the office for 2 weeks at a time TOPS. and it's a fucking lot of work to do this, because if i am working with a client for just a project, then obviously it's gonna end...and i gotta find another client to replace him. so i whore myself out all the time for new clients...and i've gotten pretty good at training clients to bring me new clients for a little extra love on their project. and so i am always either a baller or starving...but ya gotta understand...this is my indie spirit talking, and i'm so ok with that. i live simple, and save up my $ till i can buy exactly the thing i want, so my shit is hella nice...but minimalist.

so anyway...i sent the VP my CV.

and even tho i re-read it before i sent it and made the necessary phone number changes and such, added an updated bio, and checked my work history, there was something i didn't catch until i sent it off...something right near the bottom of a paragraph...it said something like 'i would be honored to represent your company as an independent consultant...yada yada'...holy shit is THAT wrong!! the job SD was trying to get for me was a bit more...shall we say...low end. it is the exact thing that i do for clients now, but only in-house...which means project for project, an in-house employee makes about 3x less than i do and has a hella lot less respect from clients...but this is what i am applying for. why?? well...at the end of a year, that in-house worker and i end up making about the same amount...but mine looks so much better cuz sometimes i'll just have a bunch of clients for months in a row and i seriously am rolling naked in the dough. but then...there is ALWAYS the drought. and man, i am starving then. i used to look at my minimalist apartment and the art on the walls and think to myself, 'hey blondie has food in his fridge' and i trek my skinny arse over the 2 blocks to his house...fully seeing stars cuz i am in starvation mode...and then cook with him and eat enough for 2 men...always amazing blondie...hehe. but anyhoo...the low-end job...this is what i am applying for.

and i might have blown it cuz i didn't change that line in my CV.

damn...i don't want the VP to get scared off cuz he thinks i'm looking for a high end consulting job (i.e. a VP position), when really all i want is a specialist/worker bee job.

but i can't really email him back and say...ummm mr. vp? i uh didn't edit my CV very well before i sent it to you, so disregard the first one and just read this one updated especially for the worker bee job with your company, ok? best regards, jenn

shit...

and he hasn't emailed me back yet or called me so all that's left for me to do is
1)kick myself 2)pray that he misses that part 3)pray that he seriously thinks about a VP position for me, hahaha 4)just wait for him to call so that i can clarify the position i am contacting him about.

damn...oh well. i guess another thing i need to do is just keep whoring myself out for indie work...

sigh...

Playing now:
Castaways and Cutouts -- The Decemberists

Nothing Like a Move to Forget the Ex: PXXI 3/3

2006-01-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

Holy sunday morning!

A good friend of mine, who is a former radio celeb in the UK and now a huge celeb in our little industry took a liking to me about 3 years ago. Only because he liked me, I was invited to posh dinners with heavies like execs from tech companies, along with selected members of the press. I am always the youngest one there, and feel quite silly cuz it's very obvious, no matter how mature I try to make myself seem. Plus, I am indie, I do not work for some well-known company (although I do have some huge client names in my portfolio, which prolly goes a long way to help me not completely look like a schmoe), so something that I'm so proud of becomes a little bit of an embarrassment in a room full of corporate heavies like this.

Anyway, this friend of mine just told me that he's currently in talks with a big tech company partner of his to get me a pretty high level job...not gig...a job. It will be on the east coast and not near Toronto (so no blondie issues). Anyway...OH-MY-GAWD!! OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod!!!

Oh my gosh...soooo perhaps this will cure my customs blues, maybe I will have the $$ to pay up the azz for customs and for shipping all of my shit from Blondie and my apartment there.

Wow, wonder how this will all turn out. If I get the gig...ummm, i mean J-O-B, it will be sooo scary. I seriously think I'm unemployable, but also thinking that it's sooo time for a change. I really REALLY need to turn things around for myself. My life was and still is so intermingled with blondie's that it's a full-time job just to NOT contact him because of the stupid situation we're in. It's more than my attachment to him, it's so about work related shite. But this would END any of that...I mean completely end it all. I would only see blondie at conferences, would have a whole new set of people to be around, and would, of course, have something to prove to myself...and to my UK friend who is sooo amazing to try to get me this job.

I dunno, maybe I shouldn't blog about this yet. But I'm really so excited about the prospect of it just working out that I can get my shit back here into the states without it killing me financially, and just not ever being in a position where I kinda need blondie at all...it's really turning me on. Oh gosh, I hope I get this job...can't believe I said that...but dang, it's time for a change.

Yikes!!

Happy For Him...PXXI Day 3/2

2006-01-07T07:21:00.000-07:00

gawd i'm fucking confused.

how could blondie just be so over me like that? i mean, while we were together, we had a few logistical issues and i am not into the whole long-distance relationship thing, and there were a couple of times i tried to have a friendly breakup with him, but he just wasn't having that...

then i follow him out of the country...how am i gonna get all of my shit back here? and really, my shit is the least of what's bothering me. i'm fucking still in love with that guy. i can always buy new stuff...but him. can't replace him.

fuck. i guess none of it even matters anymore, nothing at all. that guy is a machine. got a sick lifehack that enables him to completely forget and not feel a goddam thing at will. that's gotta be a lot easier than living with a broken heart, the almost constant memories and soaked in tears.

congrats blondie. i'm happy for you.

Album playing now:
Summer in Abaddon -- Pinback

Some People Just 'Get It'

2006-01-06T16:26:00.000-07:00

this is why breakups are so fucking hard...
check out this post.

3 Things I've Learned About My Breakup: PXXI Day 2/2

2006-01-06T07:18:00.000-07:00

Interestingly, pxxi has really done a lot for helping me settle down my wigginess over my breakup with blondie. i've had a few ugly meltdowns before and especially during pxxi...and i made it thru all but the last 5 days of no contact...and even tho i'm starting pxxi again, i dont think i really HAVE to. i could just go on from day 16 and get this shiz over with faster...BUT i've learned a few things that are making me want to do this for another 21 days:

1: i can focus on things other than this blasted breakup and actually be happy
2: friends who have done this before and/or friends who are going thru the same thing and are committed to getting over the ex are priceless -- thank you all!
3: the whole erasing thing a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is only something that happens in the movies. it's a lot harder in real life.

i'm still so sweet over that guy. and in my case, since i'm not looking to getting into another relationship for a year, at least, i think it's ok. but it's not ok to be a sad, whiney bitch anymore.

i'll be writing less about the brilliance that is and prolly will always be blondie, and more about moving on after this breakup. you all know that i secretly hope to be his again in the future...but honestly, i don't want to be his if i'm still so broken like i am now. i wanna be hot shit again. cuz i don't plan on ever breaking up with him again. wanna see that sweet, pale, wrinkled face with those amazing sparkling blue eyes looking at me when we wake up every morning when we're 80 year old farts.

and i can hear you now saying to yourself that he may find someone else in the meantime....yeah, he might. but one thing i found out when i had to break pxxi to contact him...he hasn't forgotten me. pxxi, even just the 16 days, seems to have been good for him too. he still cares. dont know to what extent. but either way, it doesn't matter. i'm getting my shit together and just hoping for something more for us in the future. we were seriously perfect for each other. just a fucked up circumstance ended our thing. and it hurt him bad. but...

who knows. doesn't matter today really.

Playing right now:

My Coco -- Stellastarr
Down Like Disco -- The Dandy Warhols
Fearless -- The Bravery

1AM, Ex boyfriend Musings, and New Friends

2006-01-06T00:46:00.000-07:00

hahaha...so this is pretty much the weirdest playlist i've ever done...just sick of feeling sad over this breakup...and these remixes make me feel like dancing (but i'm a girl geek and don't really dance...lol) they're making me less sad tho...

pick up this playlist here
1. Tulips (Original Version) - Bloc Party
2. Tulips (Club Version) - Bloc Party
3. Vicious Streak - New Order
4. This Mess We're In - (Featuring Thom Yorke) - PJ Harvey
5. Reset (featuring Khujo Goodie/Cee-Lo) - Outkast
6. Such Great Heights (John Tejada Remix) - The Postal Service
7. Heartbeats (Rocketboy Remix) - Jose Gonzalez

Resolutions & Priorities: PXXI Day 1 -Take 2

2006-01-05T14:01:00.000-07:00

so my new year's resolutions got a pretty shite start this year. i am SO WEAK!

...but i think they were good resolutions...important for a lot of reasons. i wanna be with that kid again so much...but i know that there are more important things than that right now.

like, what if we did get back together again and i'm this whiney-ass bitch still? i was NEVER like that before this. he would totally not dig that. we wouldn't last.

what if i didn't get my focus back with my work? then i'd be fucked...and that never makes for a good relationship either.

what if i dont get my health together, eat a little and take better care of myself? well anorexic-looking chicks are not really his thing either...yuck!

what if i kept being a pussy and afraid of everything? well, that's kinda what got us in this mess to begin with...so that's definitely gotta go.

thing is, i realize my priority should be to get my focus back. i gotta be what i was before and while i was with him. i REALLY hope we get back togther again sometime, cuz i can't seem to make myself let him go. but i also realize that we may not get back together again. so i gotta just make that crazy mind-shift to ME, and away from him somehow. seems like that should be the easiest thing in the world but it's been so hard. gotta do it tho...

aarrrgh...people get back together after time apart...sometimes. gawd. i just want to control everything with this...like if i'm a good girl (i.e. focused, brave and honest), i'll get blondie back. but dammit, i know it doesn't always work that way...goddam. WHY was he so perfect for me?? i really must chill. the holidays totally fucked me up. they're over now. i'm starting pxxi again today. day 1. now till jan 26. no meltdowns this time.

Chasing the Dragon

2006-01-05T06:40:00.000-07:00

ok...so you all know what that implies based on my last post yesterday.

yes...i talked to blondie. yes, i'm a blondie-addict...but it's not what you think.

see, i have to get a prepaid phone and he blogged about them...i asked around to all my friends about them first, but no one had any info on them...so instead of IMing him...which tends to get emotional, i just sent him an email and asked about the phone...and also about his trip back home to chicago and his family and our friends. he responded right away with info on the phone and asked how i was.

and that was it.

pretty straightforward...not business-like--but not descending into drama either. it was 'friendly'...and that's all.

ok...so only because i'm so happy to have connected with him again do i worry about the whole chasing the dragon issue. on one hand it was necessary for me to contact him cuz he had important info that no one else could give me and I asked everyone else I could think of first, so it was entirely ok...but then this little voice in the back of my mind is whispering to me that it might be a little more than that...might be that i just 'shot up'....got my blondie fix again...otherwise, why would i be so happy?

soooooo, i'm back on pxxi...by the time i'm done with it, it might be more like pL...

ok...so start again from day 1? i think i want to, kinda...but not.

like, what do they do in treatment centers when someone has a slip-up? do they start them all over again from the beginning? or just give them a spanking and make sure no more slip-ups occur?

Mossbreaker -- Broken Social Scene
Public Pervert -- Interpol
Feel Like Rain -- Motion City Soundtrack

Blasted Barbados

2006-01-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

Shoot...i just remembered that blondie is being sent to barbados for a week as his reward for good work at his job...dang. sometime this month he said.

That's gonna suck...another week with him gone. no contact by force, not choice....

Like why should this even matter to me after successfully doing pxxi for 2 weeks already? it totally shouldn't matter at all...but somehow it completely does.

Everytime i think i'm over this breakup, something else comes up. gosh...

not sure if i'm gonna be able to keep him blocked...dont think i'll talk to him right away, but i certainly want to before he leaves. i'll wait to see if he posts something on his blog about leaving before i say anything...i guess.

fuck. i miss that kid so much.

Starting PXXI Day 14: Relationship Rehab

2006-01-04T08:01:00.000-07:00

so i watched relationship rehab last nite...a lil bit lame IMO. i think they could have made it more real. anyway, it was about a girl with an asshole exbf who basically sent her self-esteem go down the toilet. and when he put her 'on hold' she got herself together and started living her life. that's all good, i'm proud of her. i know that would be tough. there are prolly a lot more of these kinds of breakups than those like mine which was circumstantial. we had a great relationship, but circumstances ended things, and we're kinda trying to stay friends. but of course, i'm internalizing everything i see about breakups.

i had a lil rough patch last nite when it was late and i saw he was still online. i made it thru tho. i couldn't have done that before pxxi. i would have been powerless to keep from saying hi to him. i do feel so much stronger and in control of things now. i really don't think every converstation with him now will be so full of emotion and drama anymore. and i want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone for helping me to get this far with pxxi. only one more week to go. and i'm quite sure i can do it.

i'm not thinking that i will immediately IM him the second my time with pxxi is up...i might keep it on for a few more hours/days/weeks...i dunno. its gonna be tricky either way, but i'm sure that without this time away from each other, we would have prolly gone further down. my whole point is that i would like to get back together with him at some point, and in the meantime be friends...not be the desperate bitch i had been since the breakup, but to be what i used to be. what attracted him to me in the first place. just a strong, independent girl who was sweet on him...not desperate for him...but who knows.

onward with day 14 of pxxi...how are you all doing?

Grace Cathedral Hill -- The Decemberists
Creep -- Radiohead

Oh Dammit!

2006-01-03T23:18:00.000-07:00

it's late...and blondie is still online...and i just wanna say hi to him...goddammit

i'm not gonna, i'm posting here instead...but holy fuck...gosh dang i wanna say hi. oh i miss that kid. i just wanna be with him again...or at least talk to him...

ok. i'm not gonna...i wont

Tulips (Club Version) -- Bloc Party

More Getting Out of The Dumps

2006-01-03T11:38:00.000-07:00

Fortune Cookie Say:

"You will be showered with good luck :)"

Well sweet. I like the sound of that. It's time to be showered with something other than tears over this god forsaken breakup already...lol

2nd Fortune Cookie Say:
"You will always get what you want through your charm and personality."
uhhhhh...hmmmm. hahaha

ok, so today i was reminded why pxxi is good for me. and it's not cuz it gives me a reason to make two long blog posts about my breakeup each day. ;)

in my case, it's cuz i have sent so many pathetic, desperate life-story emails to blondie...and looking back, that's hella embarassing. holy crap. how embarassing. i just wanted to talk him into taking me back. but going back now and reading over the emails, i'm totally cringing...goddam.

anyhoo...hopefully this time away from him will help him start to forget those pathetic emails...problem is, he prolly has not deleted them...oh gawd. oh well. all i know is that i'm not gonna make things even worse by trying to explain the desperation i was feeling while composing those terrible emails. nothing to remind him of them. jeezus. just time for him to forget about that silliness and hopefully start over again...with me. i wanna give him time to forget the hurt, but hopefully he won't find someone else in the meantime. but i'm just committed to not going back into even a friendship with him before enough time has passed for some wounds to start being healed.

i'm just a girl sweet over a boy and wanting him to love me. it's simple. but i made things so complicated. i dunno if we'll make it past all that. maybe we can still be 'friends'...who the fuck knows. i'm gonna do this right from here on tho. that's all i know. hopefully it will pay off with me and blondie. if not, i won't regret that i became more indie and less desperate. i won't regret that i learned some lessons.

gotta get back to work...blog ya lata. i gotta get done with this project so i can watch Relationship Rehab tonite...hope its good.

Playing now:
Lightness -- Death Cab for Cutie
Your Legs Grow -- Nada Surf
We Will Become Silhouettes -- The Postal Service

Starting PXXI Day 13: Getting Out Of The Dumps Stage 1

2006-01-03T07:16:00.000-07:00

so there is one thing i've always known intellectually, but kinda wasn't wanting to deal with emotionally. it's that i can live without blondie. i have been living without blondie. and i haven't died. i am ok. haven't tried to do anything rash. i'm still ok without him. yeah, yeah, i knew this...and yet i've let myself go into this funky post breakup depression. c'est moi. it just happens. but i gotta do something about it.

so now that blondie is back home (and strangely still logged onto IM)...i know he's safe and i have one less irrational thought to consume me, i'm thinking that more than no contact is necessary now...i'm thinking now it's time for me to start getting out of the dumps. i think i've kinda taken comfort in my tears...as crazy as that sounds...they're the only thing left of our relationship...my painfully vivid, tear-inducing memories of him and of us together.

i am so grateful for the opinions and experiences of others who visit this blog. i've got a lot of things to really think about. like pb mentioned that there may be more than just one ONE...that idea has really been a biggie for me. i know i could find another guy to date and i know i could be happy with someone else. i guess what is holding me back from even wanting to talk to someone with future dating in mind is that blondie has that perfect set of things i always wanted in a guy. i mean, even the stand he's taking now in regards to our relationship makes me respect him. i'm just feeling like, 'ok blondie...enough already. i get it. i learned the lesson. i was a pussy and afraid of everything...and it backfired on me. now i get it. i think you were right to breakup...but theres never going to be anyone for you like me. you can get fat, you can go bald, you can be a loner grump, but your heart is what i love. those blue eyes that opened up let me look deep inside of you. your absolute goodness. your intelligence...your humor...your style...everything inside. and outside. you're beautiful...completely. i want to grow old with you. i want to wake up to your sweet wrinkled face when we're 80.' blah, blah, blah...i know. gosh...ok. so i think blondie's the ONE. BUT...

thru the course of pxxi, i have found that i can survive without him. i knew this before, but pxxi has been making me live it. i don't have to send him endless emails and IMs. i can control that. and i'm ok. i still want to be with him, but i know i dont have to be with him to be happy.

that thought helps get me out of this hella drawn out funk somehow. i dunno, its a good thing tho.

damn i want a dog!

Tunes playing now on my playa:
Ageless Beauty -- Starts
Trial of The Century -- The French Kicks
The Doldrums -- Night Hour

New Year Blahs

2006-01-02T21:45:00.000-07:00

k, well i made it thru another day of pxxi. more than halfway done. wooo

but for the past few days, i've had this funky sadness. the fabulous trevor is back home and has been busy with work. blondie has been out of town visiting family and friends back home...which brings me to the only reason i am the slightest bit happy tonite...when i logged on, i saw that he was on IM. i was sooooo happy to see him on. he is blocked till pxxi is over, and i wasn't even really tempted to talk to him...but just glad that he hasn't blocked me and that he's back safe at home again. sheesh...i guess one of these days i'll quit caring so much about him...or not.

and for those on YIM, sorry for being MIA. i'm just stupid sad lately...gotta just focus on work till i can be normal. gotta disconnect from drama for a while. sorry for being a bad friend...i just gotta get thru this stupid patch and i'll be back on.

anyhoo...another day of pxxi done. i'm getting there.

goodnite

playing now:
animals insects -- the stills
lurgee -- radiohead

Starting PXXI Day 12! Reality Bites

2006-01-02T07:41:00.000-07:00

i hate reality tv, but i am powerless to turn it off if i happen upon a program while i'm channel surfing. gawd, don't i have better things to do than watch some fucking spoiled rich kids camping out in front of a camera crew (like listening to songs that make me cry over my breakup with sweet blondie?)...or old has-been stars all living in a house together getting all dirty and raunchy? holy shit! models, brady's, flava flav, stupid-azz west coast kids who think they're hot shit, the real world, nyc mom and daughter socialites...oh gawd! i seriously hate reality tv.

actually, i was watching a talk show the other day, Isaac. i know, i know, enough of the jeers already. at least i can say that is the ONLY talk show i watch, and only cuz i have a hard-on for most geeks and punk/indie musicians, and also a little for designers (all kinds), artists, cgi and title dudes ;) etc. and since Isaac falls into that category, i gotta give him props and watch his show when i can. so anyhoo...he had some reality stars on and mentioned that it seems like they fight all the time. they said that they don't but since the cameras are running all the time, if they ever do snap it is sure to be caught on tape and that's what they run on the promos...so basically, all the everyday boring stuff gets edited and cut, and the crazy shiz gets shown like its everyday life for these schmoes.

the point, you ask? good question...ok. so i'm thinking this morning how bad i feel that you've all witnessed my meltdowns because of my breakup...i've been a mess and i've been ok sometimes too. and yet you keep coming back with your friendship and support. i feel like i've made a lot of good blog friends since starting this piece (as in piece o'shite blog). and i'm the same way with a lot of other blogs...i stalk them and usually jump in on the comments the second a post is made (all this while trying to work...so bad...hahaha). and the thing is, like what's found on the cutting room floor in the editing room for those reality tv shows, the same thing is the case with blogs too...they're just self edited. and actually this blog was more meant for me to just have somewhere to cry, somewhere to express my crazy thoughts cuz i fucking miss that kid soooo much still and i just have no idea how to ever get over him. this blog is somewhere to post the songs that move me, remind me of him, us, me with and without him...my music is so huge to help me through this. it's totally a combination of lo-fi real stuff, excellent indie tunes, punk favs, stoner metal and some serious angst tunes. couldn't lift myself up without my music. I wanted to blog what i was listening to so i wouldn't forget later.

I've never been so attached to another human being in all my life. i'm so happy that i met him and was able to really love someone once. and i'm sure he loved me. but gawd i'm sooo fucking broken over how this thing ended and i just wish we could start all over again. either way, i know he'll be ok. he's got family and good friends. i've got good friends, but i'm not sure if i'll ever be ok. that's the hard part. but i have to be ok. i have to go on. i have to make it. there's no editing that part out. i just have to find a way. i guess i blog cuz when i get lost, i can go back to this blog and write it down. from the beginning random visitors have come to tell me either how pathetic i am over being so messed up over this breakup and that i should just get over it, to the incredibly supportive voices lately encouraging me to buck up. i need(ed) all of those comments. i've only deleted the blog spam. i dont want to edit much about dealing with this breakup. i'm just going on. i am scared about getting back into life without him cuz i just completely gave him myself...i let him take care of me. and i've never been taken care of since my dad died. nobody was ever strong enough to take care for me. blondie was. he was/is everything on that imaginary list of what i would ever want in a guy. he was more than i thought i even needed. and now its gone. he's gone. i'm so broken. i just cant express. my heart is shattered. totally destroyed. i will never be over him. and it totally doesn't even matter. he's moving on. i need to fucking grow up already. reality bites...ehhhhh (so much cheesiness along with tears in this blog, it's just gross...heh)

anyway on kinda another note, i'm doing ok with pxxi. i'm just a robot doing what i should do now. no heart. but a fucking lot of tears. i'm gonna rust my hard drive out.

hope you all are doing ok.

The Beginning and The End -- Isis
The Driver -- Stellastarr
New Slang -- The Shins
An Echo In -- The Sea & Cake
I'm Content With Losing -- Underoath
Funeral For A Friend -- All The Rage

Happy New Year!

2006-01-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

This is the new year. And I have no resolution. hahah...hey wait, wasn't that a line in that old dcfc song?? Anyhoo, i really don't have a resolution. if i had one, it would have to be something that rhymed with the number 6. (i.e. last year's resolution was Come Alive in 2005...lol)

Ok, well after seeing the many lists of fellow bloggers who have made a conscious decision to better their lives in '06, i'm thinking maybe i should have some sort of resolution(s). Here are the things that have been on my mind lately:

1: I sound like a broken record pining away over my breakup with blondie. I still heart that guy so much, and that part prolly wont ever change. So I guess I resolve not to cry over him as much.
2: I'm good at what I do and can't believe I have not done this before. So I resolve to make 6 figure$ this year. (heh...oh lord...no more slacker mode this year).
3: As the textbook Sagittarian that I am, I get bored very easily with stuff. So this year I resolve to complete a project before starting another one (HUGE for me).
4: I resolve to build muscle and stop looking so skinny and emo.
5: I resolve to be a better friend and be more honest.
6: I resolve to spend more time on the computer working, and less time surfing.
7: I resolve to give up my need to be a control freak and not be so afraid of the unknown.
8: I resolve to at least meditate everyday if I can't do a yoga class.

Mmmmmm...i dunno. That's all that pops into my mind right now. But bloody hell..that is quite a list of resolutions...given that I don't usually have serious resolutions. This year will be a first for me.

Wish me luck.

The best to you all in 2006.

Songs playing while my head slightly aches this morning:
This Mess We're In -- P.J. Harvey featuring Thom Yorke
Panthers -- Wilco
Vicious Streak -- New Order
Blue Line Swinger -- Yo La Tengo
French Kicks -- Following Waves

PXXI Day 10: I Won't Cry Over Him Anymore

2005-12-31T08:24:00.000-07:00

That's what I want to say. Yet with almost every inhale tears stream down my cheeks.

I don't think he's darkening his pillow with tears over me at night anymore.

I can't talk or think about him anymore today. This breakup...everything surrounding it, is something I don't think I'll ever understand.

I will never be over him. He is the most amazing man ever. What a privilege that I got to know him and spent time together with him. I don't want it to be over.

But life is moving on. Another year coming to an end.

Here's wishing all of you a Happy New Year.

Cheers

PXXI Rules : Just to Refocus Again

2005-12-30T07:36:00.000-07:00

Ok kids, I'm reposting the pxxi rules so I/we can get refocused on what we're doing:

1: No contact with the ex for a minimum of 21 days.
2: No drunk dialing/texts, email or IM
3: No new years eve dialing/texts, email or IM
4: If god forbid, (s)he finds or already reads your blog, no communication with her/him via comments or posts
5: No IM unblocking until 21 days have passed (or feel free to delete from IM, email, phones, etc)
6: No 3rd party contact (your circumstance may require 3rd party contact...but prolly not...be honest)
7: No desperation dialing/texts, emails or IMs
8: Blog and comment here as necessary to keep from unblocking or emailing her/him
9: No stalking -- online, offline, stalking thru friends, etc. (Nic sez you'll defeat the whole purpose if you know what (s)he's up to or if (s)he know's what you're up to)
10: Get the fuck out from in front of the computer for at least a couple of hours everyday to do something good for you (i.e. shop, hit the gym, go get yerself some starbucks or even better go to an independent coffee shop and enjoy the cute servers, get some art...go to a gallery or see a live band or read some prose, go dating and 'hit that' (hehe)...whatever is fun and good for you)

Allright...let's do this. If you fall off the wagon, don't beat yourself up. Just start over again. We'll all be here for ya.

I'm missing blondie so fucking bad that for my BDT I'm spending waaay too much of my spare time stalking videos of Tim Fletcher from The Stills (Vice Records)...mmmmmmmm. Pretty much one of the most adorable guys ever (blondie's still waay cuter tho...but damn, can't talk about blondie anymore right now...sad). And their music is mediocre, but damn if that dude isn't adorable enough for me to have a little smile on my lips throughout the day. (love the mtv interviews with the band).

p.s. sorry about my fierce potty mouth...can't be helped.
also, i sound so much better than i really am.

Starting PXXI Day 9

2005-12-30T05:40:00.000-07:00

I just wish we were togther still.

The Offspring just came up on my player...immediate memories of Warped Tour Toronto in July...so fun. We got backstage passes cuz of his friend who works for Victory Records...sigh. I miss that kid. I was never happier in my life than when I was with blondie.

During our time together, I grew to love him more than anyone. I've done things for him I have never done for anyone. Being in his presence taught me what was truly important in a person. We took things slowly, and in the process he became like family to me.

How am I supposed to be ok? Fuck me.

Oh well...on with another day without him. I'm getting used to that part.

But I will always hate it.

I hope he has a happy life. He deserves it so much. Never met a better man in my entire life.

Music playing this morning:
Can't Get My Head Around You -- The Offspring
Gender Bombs -- The Stills
I've Lost You -- Beat Happening
Sleep Spent -- DCFC
Paper Boats -- Nada Surf
In Cairo -- Hot Hot Heat

Weak!

2005-12-29T12:39:00.000-07:00

So I have like 3 IMs running at all times. I've blocked and unblocked blondie from MSN about 80 times (seriously), and got new user names on the other ones...but there is one that I've used a lot that blondie very, very seldom uses. So I always feel like I can be pretty social with my friends still without the terrible temptation to chat with him. I mean, it's lame, but it works for me.

But a few minutes ago, he logged onto that IM program that he hardly ever uses! What did I do? I WIGGED!! OMG, I completely wigged. I wasn't even tempted to chat with him, I was just so freaked out that he logged on...I tried to ignore him cuz I was busy working on my project...and I almost immersed myself back in the project until...he LOGGED BACK IN!! He must have gotten booted off the first time or something, but goddam. I just had to go invisible, I couldn't deal. I am so fucking WEAK! Why can't I just chill?

Breakup Distraction Therapy : Starting PXXI Day 8

2005-12-29T05:02:00.000-07:00

Holy shit...the days fly by. Day 8 already!

Hey, wanted to thank you all for your high fives over my progress yesterday. Theres nothing like a 'pressing matter' to distract you from obsessing over the ex. And I guess I've had too few of those pressing matters, so I've been working a little, obsessing a lot, working a little, obsessing even more, and barely scraping by. hahaha

So I just gotta get big with more of that Breakup Distraction Therapy (BDT) I guess. For the next week, I've got these projects lined up...that should keep me pretty busy cuz theres a deadline on that stuff.

Because yesterday was such a kick-azz day and just flew by, today feels like 'hump day'. I woke up too goddam early this morning, and I refuse to work this early...so all that's left is blogging and surfing till yoga starts in an hour and a half! I'll keep the surfing light tho...don't wanna lose any progress...just too fucking exhausting to keep obsessing about something that is gone. But I did love that kid and our time together so much....sigh...

Playing right now:
Cold Shivers -- The New Lows
The Engine Driver -- The Decemberists

Holy crap, did I have a good day today!

2005-12-28T16:16:00.000-07:00

So I had this project that I've been stalling a little on in favor of blog surfing and being sad over my breakup with blondie. Well today was the Big Meeting...I knew I had to gather all the information I got earlier, and get it into a form that would make me look like the kick-ass girl geek that I am. So I got my shit together, completed the report just in time, started the meeting, and quickly proceeded to WOW everyone in the meeting. After my presentation, I answered questions and basically ruled.

Now THIS is the kind of shit I was doing before blondie and I broke up. And it was hella wonderful to see myself again. Go ME!

So I got word concerning another side project that I put on the back burner way back in August. The resources to get that project off the ground are available to me now...so goddam, kids! Looks like I'm golden again!

I'm seriously on a mission for the next 2 weeks to do this well each day, or even better. I know the night is young, but I'm so excited about my projects that I'll be doing very little blog surfing (which leads me precariously close to blondie's blog and forum, or other depressives -- bah!)...so if any of you are online and wanna YIM me a high five, i would love to hear from ya.

Ordinary Girl -- I Am Kloot
Sister Gone -- Sea Ray
The Stars Are Projectors -- Modest Mouse
Oh Goddamnit -- Hot Hot Heat

Surviving This Breakup : PXXI Day 7 Kicking it Up A Notch

2005-12-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

So woke up today feeling more focused. Faint sad feelings still there. Had a vivid dream of us together last nite. But it was just a dream.

Why is common sense forgotten during the devastating pain of a breakup? I obviously have all of you to help me through this breakup, but I have felt an incredible sense of solitude and somehow sometimes feel like no one else has ever really felt the depth of loss that I feel. I'm so far away from blondie and his resolve to be over this is so strong. I think he no longer feels the loss or misses me. I may never see him again if I don't hit the conference circuit again. This is so huge, and this is where common sense would pay off well...but all I do about this hard reality is cry uncontrollably. Not today...not day 7.

I kinda think the first 7 days of pxxi were important to just keep me from sending emails or IMs to blondie. But I can't say I was perfect. I broke down a couple of times and went to his site and forum. Even so, all in all, I can say I have definitely made progress. Now it's time to kick things up a notch. Instead of being so unstructured with pxxi, for the next 14 days of the program, I'm going to do something to help me fucking survive this. Even something small.

I've been real good about meeting new people, especially online, so I'll keep those relationships up. But I really need to do something much different. I've got an idea for a website that has absolutely nothing to do with relationships or breakups. I'm going to spend this week getting that site put together. I'll need to interview someone in that field so I make sure to get my facts straight, but this is my new project for the week. I laid the groundwork for it a while ago, so I should be able to complete it within a 7 day timeframe.

I'm also going to write again whenever an emotion overtakes me. The writing is just for me. Breaks every rule of good poetry or prose. But I need to get this stuff out of my head and on the screen to help me get over it. So the feelings that dripped out this morning are below. I almost wish you guys didn't have to see it cuz it's truly bad writing, but I guess that's all part of it for me to survive this breakup.

I'm pretty sure that I finally understand that we are indeed prolly not getting back together. And so I am starting to deal with the breakup in that sense. I am at the point now that I have to survive this breakup with as little damage as possible, and then heal and move on. I have tried to rush some steps. Wanted to go right to the moving on phase, but for all of you that have read my blog from the beginning...you see that's failed miserably.

So for those of you who are doing pxxi with me, the best to you for the next 14 days. Try to structure your healing process up a bit too. Just planning things out like this is already helping me. Nothing is strictly linear with a breakup, I'm finding...but I think at least trying to survive the breakup and move on is gonna help either way...much more than staying in the devastation of the breakup. *Hugs* to you all...keep hanging in there.

Erasure

Our life, our love. Erasure has left no history during the day - but memories rush in during the night like a band of enemies.

Love found, love shared, love lost. Free falling.
Crazy, surreal, beautiful, messed up, confused, complex.

Origami papers, dream notebook, tshirt with your sweet scent, pictures of you. Cold, crying, broken, abandoned, unforgiven. The last things we shared.

We were true, hearts beat as one, faint traces of our life together remain. Deep impressions on my heart that cannot be completely erased.

Morning tunes. You can listen to a sample of the songs by clicking on the links:
Tidalwave -- Longwave
Mexican Wine -- Fountains of Wayne
California One/Youth And Beauty Brigade
Blizzard Of '77 -- Nada Surf

Day 6 PXXI Wrap up

2005-12-27T19:44:00.000-07:00

Not sure what happened to me today, but I'm deep in desperation mode.

Made a bad decision...read his blog...and he's out of town, i knew there wasn't going to be anything new. Not like i went there to find out what he was up to...i guess i just read it to torture myself...and it did.

This breakup shit is so insane. Just can't believe we're not together anymore...yet that is the reality.

So all i want to do now is be with someone...where did that come from? Until today, I wanted to be alone. Maybe with all of the love with the holidays...hugs and such. Touch me once and I'm a mess. Leave me alone and I'm fine? Am I that weak now?? Or is this a Day 6 commonality?

I know I'll get my shit together soon, and this is not THAT bad...but hmmm...just surprised about this. How's everyone else?

Non - breakup tunes:
For What Reason -- Death Cab for Cutie secretly, i was so depressed when i heard DCFC finally start to get airplay on the radio after all these years...they're not as indie cool anymore. still love em tho.
Dishes -- Pulp
Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me -- The Smiths

UPDATE: ok...an hour or so later, and i'm feeling a lot better...guess i just gotta expect this crazy rollercoaster to continue on for a while...sick of it tho. i'm pretty much ready to put it all behind me and move on right now.

Sick of This : Starting PXXI Day 6

2005-12-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

Are you all as sick as I am of trying to look on the bright side of your breakup already? hahaha. I just fucking wanna be depressed, cry while eating the delicious Belgian chocolates I got for xmas, and just dream of when we were together and/or getting back together...

EEP!

Oh gawd...broken record. Lemme try this again...

There is this Electroclash girl band called Peaches that Trevor turned me on to. Pretty funky grooves. Anyhoo, just because of the appropriate and shock inducing subject matter, one of my fav songs from Peaches is "F*ck The Pain Away" Please click to hear a sample. WARNING: NOT Safe For Work!!!!

Anyhoo, so i'm wondering if, for the sake of this project, a rebound shag (with a condom), with the full knowledge that you're being slutty and it's not going to be a real relationship might be acceptable if you're that kind of person and you can live with yourself the next morning AND you know the other party is also ok with being slutty? I'm personally soooo not interested in that, but I've had a few readers mention how easy it is to just melt into a makeout session with a date a few weeks after the breakup...and horror of horrors, I was feeling Eros when Trev kissed me goodbye the other nite...a goodnight kiss as my good friend was leaving my place, and I was kinda 'feeling it'...how pathetic is that??? dear god.

Hahaha, so it's prolly clear that this breakup has totally made me a confirmed nut, but here we are on Day 6. Just trying to lighten things up cuz the first 5 days were Hell with a few moments of clarity while blogging....just trying to get a lil more of that clear time in here today.

So let's Do This on Day 6.

Morning tunes spinnin':
Nothing -- Pedro the Lion
Suddenly Everything Has Changed -- The Postal Service
This Side of The Bridge -- Goner
Chromium -- The Church

I'm Fine; Are You Fine?

2005-12-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

Only a couple of 'tears over my breakup with blondie' sessions today...short ones. I must say that I'm getting pretty good at this cold hearted bitch thing. I know it's cuz this breakup really ripped my heart out and I'm not sure I can do this love thing ever again.

I'm totally a tender-hearted girl, and everything surrounding this breakup makes me believe that everlasting love is for other people, not me. So, that's allright, I guess...it's just so surreal to see how I'm closing the door to my heart a little more each day. Was prolly inevitable even without pxxi...just woulda taken longer.

This non-feeling state is kinda scaring me. But it's just happening...there's really nothing I can do about it. I'm totally embarassed over pouring my heart out to blondie...so many times baring my soul to him like I never have to anyone else, because I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives...and getting the cold shoulder. Result - never want to ever reveal my heart to anyone again. I'm also feeling so bad to think I could hurt someone I love. Result - don't want to ever be in a relationship again, therefore ensuring I won't hurt anyone else. yada, yada.

Point is, I'm doing ok by pxxi. I'll be able to make it thru. I am just not really sure what I'm becoming since this breakup. I feel like just a shell of a person. So literally. I feel like there is nothing but black space inside of me from my neck down. Like a ceramic mannequin. I look so normal on the outside, but theres nothing inside.

Good thing is...there is no heart to break anymore. Somehow, I'm fine with that.

A few favorites playing tonite. A lil heavy, a lil emo:
Beautiful World -- Rage Against the Machine
Down, Set, Go! -- Underoath
We Laugh Indoors -- DCFC
Hurt -- Johnny Cash
The Ghost of You -- My Chemical Romance
This Mess We're In -- P.J. Harvey (featuring Thom Yorke)
Don't Thank Me -- The French Kicks
Fevered -- The Stills
Fireflies -- The Lawrence Arms

Goodnite.

Happy Boxing Day!

2005-12-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

Drive Well, Sleep Carefully

2005-12-26T09:53:00.000-07:00

Instead of dilligently working on my latest work project, I find myself surfing for music to add to my collection/playlist. I've decided that I'm going to do a playlist, not necessarily a breakup playlist, but more of a starting over playlist. A playlist with all of the bands I love that maybe blondie thought were lame. Anyhoo, in the meantime, if you are on break or can surf around a little, AND if you like Death Cab for Cutie, check the Free 10 min. Preview of their new On The Road Documentary DVD.

I've had all their stuff for a long time, and they will most certainly be included in the breakup / starting over playlist.

Blog ya lata. Gonna try to get some work done...unless thats Trevor I see walking up the path to my door....

Confession : Starting PXXI Day 5

2005-12-26T07:51:00.000-07:00

Wow! Why does 5 days seem like such a milestone? Could it be because I was a borderline exbf stalker before pxxi?? hahaha...

Oh lord...anyway so I have a small confession to make. I didn't contact blondie or anything like that, and I'm still emotionally dealing ok (at least 1/8 of the time) with this breakup...but it's all about how weak I am either way.

Ok, so during these months of tears, nausea, losing enough weight to look like a toothpick with boobs, and basically only being able to think of how perfect blondie and I were together, all of my friends were so clear that blondie and I were over. And they ALL told me that I needed to not contact him for 'a while'. They said it would help me deal with the breakup better. I asked what 'a while' is, cuz I have actually gone 2 weeks a couple of times without contacting him (and there were no emails in my inbox from him during that time...grrr). Anyway, so the answers they would give me were always tooo crazy for me to even consider. A couple of friends said, 'don't contact your ex for 60 days'. What the fucking fuck??? Are you trying to kill me? HELLS NO!

Other friends said 'sweetie, don't contact blondie for a month. we'll be there for you.' and guess what my answer was to that? again...Hells no!!

I wondered if these people were really my friends. If they actually had their eyes open for the last nearly 2 years of my life since I met blondie and was his. If they really did not realize that blondie was the first person I have ever met that was EVERYTHING I had ever wanted in a guy. I was in absolute bliss with blondie. And the most awesome thing is that I saw the same thing in his eyes when we were together. Yet somehow, I fucked things up, and now I have to deal with the breakup of probably the only perfect relationship I'll ever have.

Anyway, so secretly I realized that my friends might have a point about me not contacting blondie for 'a while'. I mean, I was the only one making the first contact all the time anyway. And that was starting to make me feel desperate. And for me, that is soooo not right, cuz I'm an only child, a freelancer, support and love indie bands, indie farmers/grocers/clothiers (especially bustedtees.com - i wanna be a busted tees girl). I'm normally a very not desperate, independent girl. Sheesh, anyhoo...I digress. So a while ago, nic, a reader of mine left a comment something to the effect of 'It takes 21 days to break a habit. Stop contact with your ex for 21 days. Make him see what he is missing...' ...something like that. AND, for some reason, with this smaller amount of time, I totally saw the light. I've already gone 2 weeks without contacting blondie, surely I can do 3 weeks. No problem (heh). So knowing that I've got a few readers dealing with the same shiz (i.e. ex stalking, crying, not being able to concentrate, serious angst), I decided to really make this 21 day no contact thing a real event, give it a memorable name, reveal my YIM in an effort to be there for anyone who is ready to deal with the emotions brought on by the breakup, to stop the cyber- and stalking thru friends, to stop thinking about him/her all the goddam time, and to finally move on and completely deal with the breakup.

And here we are. Starting Day 5 of PXXI.

And so far, I would have to say that everyone who has been posting comments has done hella good, considering how hard this is. No one has actually broken down and contacted their ex. So PROPS TO YOU ALL! Let's keep doing this thing!

p.s. if you just found the blog and wanna start pxxi, let us know, just start at day one, and you'll get lots of support.

Oops almost forgot to share my morning tunes:
Yesterday Never Tomorrows -- The Stills
Pickpocket -- At The Drive-In
Last Place -- Broken Social Scene
Recycled Air -- The Postal Service
Hotel Tell -- The Sea & Cake
Someone Like You -- New Order

Tryptophan Coma

2005-12-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so I was a pig tonite...currently experiencing a sweet tryptophan coma, listening to New Order. Sometimes I have to admit that life is good. Brando's mom cooks soooo good...and his family has totally adopted me...hahaha. I guess a lot of that is cuz Brandon has only so much time for this brokenhearted girl. But its so awesome that he makes sure that I dont feel too alone.

Trevor is down with his family but he called me today and said he felt bad that we weren't doing xmas together. That was so sweet...that kid is awesome. Gosh, these two guys have been such longtime good friends...I hope I can be as good a friend to them once this is over and I'm myself again.

So I dunno if this is just the turkey i inhaled talking, or if it's really true. But in real life, my best friends are always male...I have good girlfriends, but WHY don't they ever continue to hang with me the same as the guy friends? I'm so confused about that, but (short story long), I'm thinking I could prolly stay happily single for a very long time if I have a couple of best friends that are dudes who live in my same town. The problem with Trev, Brando, and me is that we've all split up geographically. So that always makes me feel kinda lonely. I dunno, but it almost just seems to do something for me emotionally to have good guy friends that I'll NEVER have sex with, especially when I know I won't be in a serious relationship for a long while...i dunno.

Yawn! Brain is mush...time to sit in front of tube with the top button of my pants undone and watch football...hehehe (i'm soooo joking...gross!!)

Album playing right now: Get Ready -- New Order

gawd i'm glad this day is almost over! and GO ME for a blondie-free post!!

Yuletide Melancholy -- PXXI Day 4

2005-12-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

So I'm spending this xmas pretty much alone. And on one hand, I guess I'm pretty ok with that. It isn't killing me. But on the other hand...well you know...last christmas with blondie...I can't even talk about it. Right now I don't want to remember even the good times anymore. Just nothing. Just want to erase everything. Feeling so bitter, and stupid that I sent him so many emails and messages begging him to take me back. Oh gawd...fuck it.

(for some reason, i don't think pxxi was supposed to create this sort of reaction in me...hahah...what an emotional mess i've become)

Anyway...its very unusual for me to post so late...just feeling very dark and melancholic (is that a word?) today. I know I'll see sweet Brandon and his family today, so that will be great. I know I'll have an amazing dinner tonite...sweet. Gift exchange has already happened. So as far as xmas goes...it's all fine. Hope you all had a merry one.

I'm kinda sad today but at least random on my player is playing not too happy, not too sad tunes:

Crawling to Heaven -- Industrial Teepee
Say After Me -- Pinkie
Underneath You Know the Names -- Longwave
We Used To Be Friends -- The Dandy Warhols
Ready For It -- The Stills

Hard

2005-12-24T20:46:00.000-07:00

This is a hard time to be doing pxxi.

It's just so normal to wish all of your friends a merry xmas and happy holidays...but i haven't gotten that xmas wish from blondie, and i won't send him one.

I am choking back tears and trying not to be sad about this. I know that he's moved on...so i gotta do the same. I just can't believe we're not even friends anymore. I guess we never really were. I think he just said 'let's stay friends' just to soften the blow.

I'm gonna do this tho. I HAVE been doing this. I've made it thru day 3 of not contacting him. And this is a hella tough day. My breakup buddies have been such a big help too. I'm so glad I didn't have to go thru this alone.

Gotta become that cold azz bitch now cuz it's all about moving on and starting over.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!!

Playing now: (I need a 'moving on' playlist...I'll get one together soon)
Let's Get Lost -- Elliott Smith
Seductive Barry -- Pulp
Today -- Smashing Pumpkins

Fortune Cookie Say: Starting PXXI Day Three

2005-12-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

Fortune Cookie say: "A carrot a day, may keep cancer away" Lamers!!

But Wow! I feel really good this morning. Last nite I hung out with Trevor. WOW! That kid is so awesome. He has been such an amazing support to me during this whole breakup...and for years we've been flirting friends. Last nite he came over and brought me a candlelight chinese dinner, a bottle of merlot, sketched for me, exchanged gifts with me and hung with me until his friends MADE him leave to go out with them. I got a sweet kiss from him as he was leaving...mmmmmm, that was nice. It was so amazing. Then when he left, he called me and left a message on my vm. That kid is the shit. He's by far one of the most creative/hot/indie/fun/sexy guys I know. And it's always been this way for us...I just never wanted to take things any further than friendship cuz we are such good friends. But last nite...the vibe was hott. As usual. How have we been able to have such a crazy vibe with each other for years without doing anything about it? Well, we're both always attached when the other one is not, so even if we were wanting to take this somewhere, we never really could...plus...he's my friend and I'm really afraid that taking it further would ruin things...

So I'm just enjoying what we do have. A very hot connection with each other...and a very strong friendship. The best. (Much love Trev)

And yeah, I thought about blondie...but there were no tears this time, and I didn't feel compelled to check on him. I'm totally moving on. Gawd, it's about fucking time!!!
Ok, so there are some things about blondie that i wanted to blog. I learned more from him than any guy I've ever gone out with...it was so much deeper than with other guys. And I'm guessing I wont find that combination of an intelligent geek/sexy/beautiful/funny/hipster/artist again. So I am thinking that I either settle for something less or just never get serious with another guy.

I'm feeling the second option a lot more than the 'settling' option...at least for now. BUT I shouldn't even worry about being in another relationship for another year, I'm thinking. YMMV.

But either way, I'm feeling so much stronger today....YAY! Time to get over this sad, whiney ass shite and get back to golden.

Happy Holidays!

Tunes that are keeping me happy this morning:
Come On Home -- Franz Ferdinand
Black Tongue -- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Girl, You Have No Faith In Medicine -- The White Stripes
Don't Thank Me -- The French Kicks(this song gets so much play lately - love it!)
Pioneers -- Bloc Party

Getting Over Him : PXXI Starting Day Two

2005-12-23T06:42:00.000-07:00

So my feeling starting day 2 of PXXI is that it was harder than I expected yesterday. Like a junkie, right before I went to bed I slipped up and went to his blog. Seems he's going home for the holidays. And I'm so happy for him that he's doing that...but under the circumstances, I didn't really need to know this. I worry a little about our old friends, and stuff (stuff=the girls there in the city who STILL dig him and wouldn't mind hooking up with him). And I guess mostly I'm sad cuz he didn't tell me. He's let me go.

How can I get over him? He is just so different, he cannot be replaced. He was the love of my life. I really miss him bad. I miss his mind. I miss his sense of humor. I miss his beautiful blue eyes, his beautiful face, his sexy voice. Miss his amazing hugs. I miss talking with him. I miss hanging with him. Partying with him. Miss cooking with him. Growing our herb garden together. Miss sleeping with him. Miss everything about him. I'll miss him during xmas and new years. The bad times were never that bad and were very few. And the good times were so good. If not for the circumstance I'm currently in, I think we would have been an epoch love story. I will always heart him. And more than I can express, I miss what might have been...

That said, I am still ready to move on instead of continuing to destroy myself over being apart from him. I honestly worry about becoming a hard person. Most guys dont impress me as having potential for being more than just friends. And I'm not really interested in spending another evening with a guy that bores me. I'm so past that after being with blondie. And it seems the guys who are as brilliant as blondie tend to be socially inept geeks. Gosh, I guess I'll stop here writing about why blondie can't be replaced...just saying that I'll prolly not date someone seriously again. Going out with friends will be good, and I definitely don't want to become a man hater or a love hater. So somehow I have to get blondie out of my system w/o becoming a hard bitch...sigh...holy geezus, i'm so sick of this shite.

Ok, so I gotta get my head together...no IM checking, no checking his sites. Gotta work today, have a meeting to prepare for. Then Trev will be over and that will cause all worldly problems to fade out of existence. He's that good. After he leaves is when this is gonna be a bitch again. So I just gotta put the mouse down and back away from the computer tonite so there will be no temptation. That's all I can do...one day at a time. I'll worry about how to work each new day as it begins. No preplanning other than the rules I laid out for the PXXI purge. It's just too heavy right now to think about tomorrow...I fucking have to make it thru today without thinking about him constantly.

I was so lucky to have him in my life...even for only a year and a half. I'll never forget.

Playing right now:
New Country -- The Dandy Warhols
1x 2x Devastated -- DM3
No Weather -- Stellastarr
Where Is My Mind? -- The Pixies
She's Hearing Voices -- Bloc Party

PXXI Day One

2005-12-22T21:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I've been keeping myself busy with work, last minute holiday shoppingand talking to friends.

Today was actually a hella good day to start PXXI for me cuz the amazing Trevor is in town for the next 5 days. Woooo! And he always keeps me from whining and worrying about blondie. He's pretty amazing cuz he just won't even let me talk about him...and for the first few days, I could really use someone who knows who I used to be before the whole blondie breakup, and can help me get back there again...and Trev is definitely one to do that.

So today, I've done pretty good -- not perfect tho. I kinda checked to see if blondie was online earlier while I was checking for Trevor...but I've got him blocked, and immediately remembered that I'm done with that shit, so I moved his IM handle out of the main window so I wouldn't do that again. So I don't really consider that blowing it, cuz I moved him out of my line of sight...ha!

I just have to keep my emotions from getting out of control, cuz I've got the willpower thing going right now, but still I've got this crazy sadness happening. Wish me luck guys, I'm excited to get back to my old self again.

How's everyone else doing?

My sweet friend Brando also came over tonite...he's such an intelligent guy. And so spiritual too...I love talking to him. We go on for hours and hours about heavy stuff always...BUT tonite we didn't talk about love (which has been a recurring theme since this fucking breakup)! This is a big thing for me. To be able to concentrate on other important things and not have to do it looking through tears that well up in my eyes is a very good thing. (Much love Brando)

Some tunes that played while Brandon was here:
Tulips -- Bloc Party
Slow Fade -- Wheat
The Pharmacist -- Hot Rod Circuit
Stamp Out The Sun -- The IOS (gotta pick this one up at a local music store)
Love & Death -- The Stills
Yesterday Never Tomorrows -- The Stills
Where Does the Good Go? -- Tegan & Sara

Project XXI

2005-12-22T06:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, the time has come to actually start dealing with this breakup.

I've been so broken hearted over losing the love of my life that weeks ago, my offline and online friends told me that maybe it would be a good idea not to talk to blondie for a while...while I could see their point, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Finally, yesterday a reader made that same comment, and for some reason this time, it just clicked...I dunno...I guess I just realized that I am fucking exhausted from this breakup madness and that its time to do something about it already.

So here is what I'm doing:

I'm starting what I am calling Project XXI. This is a 21 day break-the-habit-no-contact project. When a reader, Nic, commented about it, what turned me on to it was the fact that maybe blondie would start to miss me after not hearing from me for a while, and perhaps the whole friendship thing would just work out better. But last nite my book He's Just Not That Into Youarrived, and after reading it I decided that this 21 day project should be more focused as a way for me to just say goodbye completely...if he comes running back to me for friendship then cool...but either way, I'm thinking it's time for me to just say goodbye and be able to deal.

So here are the rules, and they are expanded a bit to include the circumstances of those who are starting this project with me:

1: No contact with the ex for a minimum of 21 days. That makes it Jan 12 starting today
2: No drunk dialing/texts, email or IM
3: No x-mas day dialing/texts, email or IM
4: No new years eve dialing/texts, email or IM
5: If god forbid, (s)he finds or already reads your blog, no communication with her/him via comments or posts
6: No IM unblocking until Jan 12 (or feel free to delete from IM, email, phones, etc)
7: No 3rd party contact (your circumstance may require 3rd party contact...but prolly not...be honest)
8: No desperation dialing/texts, emails or IMs
9: Blog and comment here as necessary to keep from unblocking or emailing her/him
10: No stalking -- online, offline, stalking thru friends, etc. (Nic sez you'll defeat the whole purpose if you know what (s)he's up to or if (s)he know's what you're up to)
11: Get the fuck out from in front of the computer for at least a couple of hours everyday to do something good for you (i.e. shop, hit the gym, go get yerself some starbucks or even better go to an independent coffee shop and enjoy the cute servers, get some art...go to a gallery or see a live band or read some prose, go dating and 'hit that' (hehe)...whatever is fun and good for you)

I know some of the rules are hella difficult (i.e. for me, the no contact on the holidays is going to fuck me up, expect me to be stupid on these days), so PLEASE leave a comment if you're feeling weak at any time during this project and I'll do my best to give you the support you need...I'll definitely blog every wiggy instance I have during this project. And if you're doing really well with Project XXI (hereafter referred to as PXXI - pronounced "pixie"), then let us know that too...we all could use the encouragement to see that it can actually be done. Also feel free to YIM me instead of him/her...i will leave it on a lot during PXXI.

Ok, ready? LETS DO THIS!!!

D2M

2005-12-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

Dead to Me...Thats what we used to call people we didn't want in our lives anymore and would never make any effort to contact again....you know, that friend who runs off with your bf/gf; the roommate who never pays their part of the rent on time and/or has crazy parties but never cleans up, owes you money, and secretly moves out while everyone is gone leaving you fucked; or the douchebag person who makes up lies about you and treats you like shit, etc...dead to me. I'm pretty sure that I'm in his D2M file now.

So last nite, while doing some research for a new gig I have, I IMed him about something I'm not really up on, but I knew he would understand a bit better. He gave me some ideas on it, was helpful but gosh, the whole "friendly" thing wasn't there at all. The whole interaction left me feeling about as warm as I do when I check an encyclopedia for information. Just fucking flat. I totally think I'm in his D2M file...gosh...sniff. That makes me so sad.

Thing is, I'm not sure if he's faking that or not cuz it's IM. It's really hard to detect emotion over IM. And I would even feel better if he hated me cuz he would still care...love and hate are so closely related...you almost can't hate someone without loving them (certainly not in all cases, but i'm sure you're feeling me here)...otherwise you just wouldn't let yourself be arsed with any emotion one way or the other for them...

But when I told him I was going to take a gig on the east coast when I'm done here, he asked me who it was with...I didn't expect that. I figured he wouldn't want to know. So I guess that was a plus...and truth be told...i'm kinda so upset about the whole IM experience cuz of the way it ended. So after our little chat we didn't talk to each other for hours, I got to work, and he was working too...entirely normal. But when he logs off, he usually tells me goodnite...and he didn't last nite. And it may have just been an oversight, i dunno...but it's wigging me out for some stoopid reason. Gawd...i'm trying not to let it get to me, I just don't want that to be evidence that he considers me D2him. It's just such a weird thing for him not to tell me goodnite if we've chatted, and I slept so bad cuz it really wigged me. I swear I wish I didn't care about shiz like that...it's terrible. I'm watching myself become this petty, whiney person...bah

For some reason I'm feeling the need for album cover art lately (actually almost any art/photography/music/words), so I've been picking up more CD's again...currently playing on my playa:
Still In Love Song -- The Stills
Let Down -- Radiohead
Near You -- Jeremy
Sister Gone -- Sea Ray
Initiate -- Calla
Hey Boy -- The Blow

Relationship Rehab

2005-12-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

Oh my gosh...I'm so excited about the upcoming series on Style Network called Relationship Rehab. And if I lived near New York, I would have totally gone on the casting call...but alas, I am temporarily living in NoMan'sLand, USA. So all you fellow broken hearted visitors who can't seem to put your ex behind you should totally make sure to catch this new series...I'm very excited.

Rollercoaster

2005-12-20T05:19:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I confessed that I got weak and emailed blondie 2 times...and he didn't reply, and I was seriously bummed. Well, he finally emailed back late last nite! (and he was sooo sweet, much like a "friend") Yippeee!! (Why am I so happy about this???) I dunno, but I AM happy about it, and my mood is much better now, thank you. I had such a bad day yesterday, but the day before was so good...so this whole breakup thing is doing a brutal rollercoaster routine on my emotions..."UNCLE" already!

Thoughts A Waste of Time -- Joy Zipper
Messenger -- Pinback
Was Hoping -- Alanis MorisetteI

Breakup Insanity

2005-12-19T07:31:00.000-07:00

Goddam, how long will I have to endure this breakup insanity?? So like over the whole weekend, I didn't break down and IM blondie...and holy crap, did I have an entirely almost-getting-over-him-weekend! Even amazed all of you, knowing what a crybaby I am over not being his anymore...lol

So, the problem? Well...I do have a confession to make...I did send him an email Friday and then one yesterday. Nothing big, just more like the kind of 'hey, this is cool' kind of emails you would send to your friends. "your friends" being the key phrase in that last sentence...gawd, obviously we just can't seem to do the "friends" thing...and I know that...yet some insane force overtakes my fingers every few days and forces me to either IM or email him. And usually he is so sweet... gawd is that kid sweet sometimes...but other times he ignores me or even shows me his sharp tongue and leaves me bleeding from the heart. And seriously...what is that shit about? I never took crap from other guys...never. But i'd fucking be the doormat he wipes his feet on now cuz this whole thing is my fault. But thats so truly assinine. Who can love a fucking doormat? Oh gawd, I just gotta get over him...I just woke up missing him so bad today...our life was just so comfortable.

So in my little indulgent tearfest this morning, i'm thinking about how perfect i think blondie was for me...how he was technically my first love...like there is nothing i would change about him, nothing i dont respect and adore. There were others before him, a very serious relationship and a lot of shorter ones. But with them, i always felt like there was a huge part of me they just didn't 'get'...and there was never that element of feeling like they were 'the One'...but instead always that bad feeling that something was missing, but couldn't put my finger on exactly what is was, and he's a good guy and he's so in love with me...yada, yada. But with blondie, within weeks of getting to know him, it was so obvious to me that he was the one, and over the months and then after more than a year, there was no doubt in my mind...but what about his?

So, i've been going over and over in my mind why he is mostly kind to me but wont take me back, or on the other hand why he wont just cut me off. I'm in this fucking limbo situation with him...and so I kinda wonder if maybe I wasn't 'the One' for him. Maybe the infamous T (a past gf of his that I always had to work not to be jealous over) was 'the One' in his heart, but maybe I just connected with him really well, and perhaps he actually felt like something was missing with us. Although looking back, it doesn't seem that way -- but i'm sure it didn't seem that way to the one guy i was in a very serious relationship with a long time ago either. it's just something that you dont want to reveal for fear of looking like an ungrateful, unloving arsehole.

So maybe I just wasn't 'the One' for him...although he obviously seriously dug me. But that is different from having unconditional love for someone. So maybe the whole limbo thing I'm in has to do with him still liking me as a person, and not wanting anything bad to happen to me, but also not 'feeling it' strong enough to want to get back into a LD relationship with me. ...sigh. I fucking dont know. I just feel like a psycho cuz he wont talk to me about it, and theres just no sane way to get closure on this...he's got this terrible 'erase someone from memory' mechanism that he can turn on at will...so I'm just fucked if I ever want to find out what he's thinking, cuz he's already done a lot of erasing jenn already.

Why can't I just get over him already??? Aaarghh! Nothing like a fucking Monday morning meltdown before work...gawd, this week is starting out just awesome.

Amazing artist on the Secretly Canadian label I got turned on to last nite playing on my playa:

Fortune

2005-12-18T10:23:00.000-07:00

So I had to feed my addiction last nite for fortune cookie fortunes by ordering delicious chinese delivery yet again...

Fortune Cookie Say:
"You will travel far and wide, both pleasure and business. :)"

Ok, that's cool...my gigs kinda require that. But I have had a recent change in circumstances that I figured would put an end to that...but I totally believe my fortunes from this chinese eatery, they have all been correct, so I'm pretty happy about this one. Plus, the Sagittarius animal in me hates to be in one place for too long, I'm far too fickle/get bored too easily for any of that shite. It's all about the whole gypsy vibe. New places, new adventures, new whatever.

So whats up with the whole settling down thing I was doing with blondie? So contentedly, at that? I mean, I was pretty cool about getting into a little routine with him. I actually found that I loved it. So predictable and safe. I must admit that I do not feel very safe in my life because of all of the travel I did alone, as well as other circumstances. Indie, to be sure, but not safe. So settling down in my life with blondie was such a sweet change. I often thought we were even kinda like the cute old couple in the diamond commercials...but young and hip...lol. It was adorable. Never had that before. It was new, but so mature and old...and I totally dug that.

But it looks like, according to my fortune, that my life will go back to the textbook Sagittarius lifestyle...lots of travel. Plus it will be for "pleasure and business". Right on. I can deal with that again. I just need to maybe get my shit together and hire an assistant or something so I won't have to travel alone all the time. That would rule.

(Oh my hell! That post almost sounded like maybe I'm finally getting on with my life already. Yay me!! Wonder how long this will last?)

And ohhhh, guess blondie didn't block me from IM like I thought...he logged on last nite and, of course I wigged. Didn't expect to see him on my list again. Thank gawd I was talking to a couple of people at the time cuz I prolly would have impulsively said hi to him...and I know I need to just leave it. Close call.

Songs on shuffle:

I Want You -- Tom Waits
I Started Something I Couldn't Finish -- The Smiths
Windowpane -- Opeth
Obscured -- Smashing Pumpkins
Run Down the Stairs -- Beat Happening
Santeria -- Sublime
Know Your Onion! -- The Shins
Gathering Darkness -- Grade

Breakup Distraction Therapy

2005-12-17T16:08:00.000-07:00

Going thru a really funky low point this weekend...missing him, feeling bad. Think my exbf has turned a corner, not online for the past few days (i.e, he has prolly blocked me, i'm pretty positive he's online). He's got lots to keep him busy, plus this breakup has been exhausting. Unfortuately, we will need to contact each other again cuz we still have some shit to take care of, but I think it's pretty mutual that our feelings are too raw to do the just friends thing with any success right now.

One thing about bad breakups is the amazing power they have to make a person totally fucking helpless. Seriously, this once workaholic freelancer is totally pathetic now. It's so much easier to read other breakup stories online, create ridiculously angry/sad playlists, sketch on Artpad, and cry like a baby than it is to get my shit back together again and focus on work. IMO the only thing that really works is BDT, Breakup Distraction Therapy (i'm taking credit for coining this phrase).

So Trevor, the dude I've had a crush on and wanted to snog for like 3 years straight (but didn't cuz I don't want to ruin our friendship) is a master at BDT. We don't live in the same state anymore, so dude turns on his webcam and MAKES me forget about blondie...if i start talking about blondie, he tells me that blondie is a fool to let me go, even considering the circumstances, and that i deserve someone who would support me and love me. And he offers himself...hahaha. It's so cute. I love it. The thing is, I know it means nothing, we've been doing this since we first met each other, but for some reason now, it does so much for me. We've been there for each other through various failed relationships, each of us hating the others loser (but hot) ex's. And after all this time, he is still there for me...And, as evidence that BDT works, I'm even trying to be there for him while he deals with a LD relationship which is looking not so great right now. Go me.

Anyhoo, so that little slice of BDT is awesome, but if I become too dependent on Trev and local friends and they're unavailable, then I seriously think that I'm fucked. Being in front of this god forsaken computer too long is totally keeping me a cry baby, pathetic exgf. But as a last resort, I guess the whole Artpad thing is prolly healing...and the right kind of music (i.e. not breakup songs...but perhaps a little stoner metal...hehe) might also be a good form of BDT.

Songs playing during this therapeutic post:
Crush -- Smashing Pumpkins
Ups & Downs -- Saves the Day
Remember -- Air
Birds in The Subway -- The Red Thread
You Don't Send Me -- Belle & Sebastian
Hypnotise -- The White Stripes
Rid of Me -- P.J. Harvey

In Search of the Past

2005-12-16T20:26:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago my boyfriend, the guy who I still adore, broke up with me.

This blog has been my great big virtual shoulder to cry on...my sounding board to bitch, to deal/not deal with being apart from my exboyfriend, to reminisce over our sweet life together...while it lasted.

The hardest part of this whole experience is that I've learned that we can never go back. All of the sweet memories, the little objects still left over from our time together, the many, many photos, emails, and IMs, even the strained relationships with our mutual friends...none of these remnants of our life together can ever bring back what we lost.

I guess through this blog I have been attempting to capture again what I reluctantly admit has long passed me by. I believe it was the only true love that I will ever know. At least, the only one with the most promise; the one that would shatter all barriers, and become epoch. The one that could make our future grandchildren truly believe in love while living in a world full of superficiality. The One. For me, blondie was The One. Gone now.

I am so sad for this to be over. Just wanna smoke, crank up my music and forget everything for tonite. Then wake up tomorrow all better...aint gonna happen. Reality is, I don't need anyone. I'm fine on my own.

Cranking the music...sigh.

The Beginning and The End -- Isis
Looking For You In Me -- Hayden
I Am Trying To Break Your Heart -- Wilco
Run Down The Stairs -- Beat Happening
Make Out Kids -- Motion City Soundtrack sigh...he's updated his profile
Napoleon Solo -- At The Drive-In

STALKER MODE: ON

2005-12-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or does everyone stalk their ex's in their spare time? hahaha...i don't really mean to, but I know where he/we used to hang out, and when I happen upon any of those sites, I always find myself looking for his posts, etc.

hahaha...that's so bad...i gotta stop that shite. too much information is sometimes a bad thing. he's so fucking adorable, i'm sure some hottie girl (or old gf) is chatting him up already...i gotta not see that shit. that would seriously suck.

so STALKER MODE: OFF.

...unless there is some hella intelligent, (preferably punk) hottie out there that wants to get stalked ;) hahaha...j/k. calm yerself down

Unwritten

2005-12-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

I am a freelancer and work all sorts of crazy hours...which is good and bad. Today, it is kinda bad cuz I got up early to work and now have some free time to let my mind wander...thinking bout blondie again, as ever.

Our time together was full of soul-jogging, spirit lifting experiences. When i was with blondie, my world wobbled on its axis a bit. He captured my soul.

But our life was very quiet and private...neither one of us are really into too much attention from others. So our story will probably always go unwritten...yet it consumes my soul.

Ohhh gosh, i wonder if he knows how amazing/different/beautiful/something more/excellent he really is. He is rare in the world. I will always adore him.
We had a relationship of dreams...A grand success.

A bold failure...sigh

For me, an everlasting love.

Get this short tearjerking breakup playlist:

This Mess We're In -- P.J. Harvey featuring Thom Yorke
The New -- Interpol
Tears Are In Your Eyes -- Yo La Tengo
This Woman's Work -- Kate Bush
Losing True -- Ida
The Scientist -- Coldplay
Heartbeats -- Jose Gonzalez
Everlong -- Foo Fighters

Gifts Already

2005-12-14T13:41:00.000-07:00

The best part of this time of year is gifts (getting and giving)...the worst part is that I'm spending xmas away from my (ex)guy. I am reeeaalllyy missing him bad. Totally a depressing time to be away from the people you love.

Well, today I got my first winter gift (the card said that it was a cheer up gift, not a xmas gift, so I could open it right away). Anyhoo, it was positively yummy...it was San Joaquin Valley Farm's Season's Greetings Pistachio/Almond Pack. Good stuff! I would definitely recommend this as a xmas gift for anyone on your gift list...I really loved this package.

Next, I got this hella tear-jerking CD of songs from my friend Alex. She is kinda also offering her shoulder to help me deal with this breakup from blondie. And anyone who has known me for any amount of time and sees me for 2 minutes can't help but feel sorry, cuz I still just cry whenever I talk about him...I'm so emo...actually pretty pathetic. And, then with xmas coming...oh man.

Anyhoo, better get back to work...deadlines are looming. Blog ya lata.
(Damn, if I could only see past these tears, I could get done a lot faster....thanks a lot Alex...just what i needed. Holy crap, sarah mclaughlin...girly, your lyrics are killing me - right on the money...I'm totally gonna have to listen to my angry punk songs after this...)

Commitment Phobe?

2005-12-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, so now that I'm kinda dealing with this breakup, I've gotten a little more introspective. I always thought I was a pretty perfect girlfriend...but I did a really bad thing which led to our breakup...a sin of omission. Not quite so perfect...

I totally obsessed over this once it all came out, but I guess a lot of us do stuff that mess even very good relationships up, right?

Before I met blondie, I had been burned a few times, and I was a major committment-phobe before we got serious. In fact, I was still afraid of committment even once we had been dating for a while...sometimes I wonder if this was some bizzaro unconscious way to keep from getting into a serious committment again. I kinda doubt it, but I'm thinking out loud about a lot of heavy shiz related to this breakup.

Oh, and re: my last post...I guess we are still officially talking to each other...the "just friends" bit is still ON. (long story...short version: I am a spazz)

Tunes spinning:

An Honest Mistake -- The Bravery
Under the Covers -- 88 Fingers Louie (hey, blondie either played a show with these guys or knows them or something...hahaha...it was a long time ago)
This Could Be Love -- Alkaline Trio
Loose Lips Sink Ships -- A Change of Pace

Permanent IM Block (I Think)

2005-12-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

Block, unblock...where are we now? Hmmm, it's been a few days, looks like I'm at IM block #75.

I kinda think that now he has finally blocked me too...he's only been online for a few minutes today, and he is always on all weekend, all the time...has been for all the time I've known him.

I always seem to break down on the weekend and say hi to him. I did again. Was not good this time, cuz we have a lot of shit to still deal with. We did. It went bad. Although he wished me a happy bday. I asked if that was the only reason we talked as long as we did. He said no. He promised to talk to me soon. But now he's a no-show. I think it's a block. That's alright.

There has been so much we've chatted about over the past few days, and things are going downhill very fast. Its pretty bad that we've been apart for months now, and yet our conversations are still so emotionally charged and go bad. I guess the IM ended ok, cuz he was very dilligent about saying that we would talk later. But I woke up today and just had to email him. I sent him a a hella long email, pages long.

I think I must sound like a broken record. There is nothing new to say to him about the trouble we had. I did him wrong. I lied about a big thing. There were reasons I did. Not good enough reasons. He was hurt. And he won't forgive. Yet he won't turn his back completely on me either. I am heartbroken. I just don't know how to feel ok about this. I've got to find a way to quit clinging so desperately to him and the past. I need to find a way to just accept that he does not want to forgive me. I fucked up and have to pay the price. I just wish I could pay the price, and be with him still.

I need a plan.

This is so bad it deserves another shite breakup playlist. Get the songs here:
1. Homesick - Kings Of Convenience
2. Smoke - Alkaline Trio
3. Nightingale - Saves The Day
4. 12.23.95 - Jimmy Eat World
5. Down, Set, Go! - Underoath
6. Forever - As I Lay Dying
7. Hurt - Johnny Cash
8. Alone In A World Without You - Glasseater
9. Autumns Monologue - From Autumn To Ashes
10. Mistakes We Knew We Were Making - Mae
11. Promise - Matchbook Romance
12. The Ghost Of You - My Chemical Romance
13. Beautiful World - Rage Against The Machine
14. Unorchestrated (Live) - Hey Mercedes
15. Alone In Kyoto - Air (Pop)
16. Buried A Lie - Senses Fail
17. Run - Snow Patrol
18. I Miss You - Blink 182
19. I Keep A Diary - Braid
20. Wishful Thinking - Wilco
21. Crush - Smashing Pumpkins
22. We Laugh Indoors - Death Cab For Cutie
23. Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez
24. Homesick - The Cure

Alone on a Friday Night

2005-12-09T23:15:00.000-07:00

Ok...I'm seriously hopeless...
Unblock #72 (or some such stupid number...)

Yes, I unblocked blondie from IM yet again.

I noticed that he was online tonite, and I am alone tonite. Sooo, I unblocked him and said hi.

And he is always just soo friendly and nice. Dammit. He totally encourages me to chat with him cuz he is so kind...almost always.

But somehow, even with him being so sweet, I usually feel bad afterward...almost like I think I would feel if I went out tonite and got myself laid by a stranger...just bad. Cuz I'm ALWAYS the one who initiates the conversations...and the longest I've ever gone w/o talking to him was maybe two weeks at most. But he certainly didn't break down during that time to email or call me....goddam it. Pretty clear message...

But tonite when I IMed him and asked how he was doing, he talked to me about kinda important stuff to him...canadian job issues/contracts/shite. Made me kinda think he still felt like he could talk to me about heavy stuff. So see? Its a terrible punishment/reward cycle I go thru. Aaarrgh!

I'm actually still on IM with him now. And obviously, I already feel...bad. I really do need to let him go or something. Let him go or be prepared to be his bitch. I don't really want to be his bitch, even though I want him back again. Actually, I'm not sure that he even wants a bitch at this point in his life.

I am not sure if anything else has made me so wiggy ever. Gawd! He's messing with my head. I hate the just friends thing cuz I am still so in love with him...but I like it cuz I get my blondie fix whenever I get weak and unblock him. Just stupid...I know. I seriously cannot be left alone...

I want something I can't have

2005-12-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

I've always been pretty lucky. I usually get almost everything I ever want...which either means I am simple and don't want a lot, or hella lucky. I think its a little of both. Always lived pretty well.

Guys...easy. Gigs...same. Cool places to live...yes. Excellent friends...cake.

So that's awesome in a way...but i kinda think that now this whole breakup thing is harder than it should be cuz i am used to having everything i want. So, damn...i guess all i can do now is to just stop wanting to get back with blondie.

And as i'm typing this, i know i'm not quite ready to step over that huge chasm...but thats just gotta be where i go. I mean, i've kinda done that already, cuz I'm still happy w/o him, I have fun, have a life, enjoy a little pr0n (j/k...kinda)...but i just dont wanna ever forget him. But OTOH, i don't wanna write in this blog for much longer either...wanna start a new personal blog (and actually keep up with work blogs/sites) and just be done with the pain. I'm fucking sick of this breakup drama already.

(still in love...fucking sobbing again...gawd)

So my rhapsody is always on shuffle...how does it know to play sad songs when i'm missing blondie? Currently playing:

All I Need - Air
Happiness - Elliott Smith
Another Innocent Girl -- The Alkaline Trio
I Keep a Diary -- Braid
A Movie Script Ending -- Death Cab for Cutie (oh man, tear my heart out)

WTF Comcast??

2005-12-09T07:44:00.000-07:00

Internet down again...another 11 hours...grrr.

At least they were decent enough to give me a weeks credit for all the trouble this week. But seriously, wtf? Comcast ought to know how to run the internet connectivity gig by now...geezus.

So now that I'm online again, maybe I'll be able to hear some whistling in the distance...

no music yet this morning...so excited to have internet, i haven't turned on my player yet...damn, i need an ipod shuffle...

Freelance Slacker

2005-12-08T15:05:00.000-07:00

Oh gosh, if I don't get any work done this week, I'm gonna starve. I'm totally in heavy duty slacker mode since this breakup...and reading other blogs and writing in mine is so much funner than...work. yikes!

Alright, gonna try to get back to it...unless someone wants to distract me. (c;

Tunes playin:
Homesick - The Cure
A Beautiful Lie - 30 Seconds to Mars
Messenger - Pinback
I'm Content With Losing - Under Oath
Girl Inform Me - The Shins

Addicted to Fortune Cookies

2005-12-08T13:23:00.000-07:00

Fortune Cookie say:

"He who hurries cannot walk with dignity."

Well, that is kinda thought provoking considering that I want this whole breakup mess to be over yesterday (more like a month ago), and I just wanna be back with blondie...even if it's long distance for a while. I guess I just need to chill...

Songs playing:
Can't Make a Sound - Elliott Smith
The Air Near My Fingers - The White Stripes
Want You Bad - The Offspring
It Happens - Hopesfall (badass song today...might hate it in a week. Kinda pop-y)

Robert, my friend...where ARE you??

Now What? A Crush (or two)

2005-12-07T14:15:00.000-07:00

It seems to me that whenever blondie and I have interaction (I unblocked him from IM for like time #71 the other nite), it's a little more obvious to me that our love story is over. Plus, we're not really friends now either. So after a very long tear-fest with Trev a couple of nites ago, the obvious became clear to me AGAIN...get over him.

So now what?

I still have all these feelings for blondie, and I can't really talk about him without crying, cuz I think he's making a mistake in letting me go. I'm broken hearted cuz I know he will forget me forever...he has a sick gift of totally detaching from a person...like we never knew each other. But we did...our time together was very, very sweet.

Other than owing Trevor a big favor for letting me cry endlessly on his shoulder the other nite, I'm not really sure what to do relationship-wise. I seem to get plenty of offers, but of course, I'm as picky/snobby as can be when it comes to guys, so I expect to never find that special one again. And I'm not sure if I want to settle for less just to be in a relationship again...

**although I have to admit that I am currently experiencing a couple of post-breakup crushes...hehe**

That is so whack, cuz any breakup / rebound crush is pretty much doomed to be only a crush at best...another breakup at worst.

But one of my crushes is on a friend, another is on a fellow blogger. One, a long term on again/off again crush...the other, just good fun helping me to laugh through the tears. And the best part is until they read this, neither of them know I've been crushing on them...lol

The problem with me and crushes is that I am a Sagittarius (yes, happy bday to me soon), and I get bored easily. Blondie was the ONLY guy i've ever been with that didn't bore me (the 2nd longest relationship I had ever been in). And a crush, by it's very nature is not deep, so i kinda forget them easily. So when I have a crush, its very likely that the one I'm crushing on won't even get a good hook up with me cuz I will be over it before we even get to that point...lol.

So again...I guess I've gone full circle and talked myself back into the same conclusion I started this post with...get over blondie. Guess, thats what's next...fuck. Not gonna happen yet (or ever). guaranteed.

Music playing for this love-sick fool:
Panthers: Wilco
Car Underwater: Armor for Sleep
Never Take Friendship Personal: Anberlin
For Me This is Heaven: Jimmy Eat World
To The Author (Version 1): The Sea and Cake

Got a couple of new gigs. Better get back to work on them. blog ya lata

Cable died

2005-12-07T06:36:00.000-07:00

Oh man...I've been having serious internet withdrawals....my comcast died. I am currently in a small up-and-coming city, and the comcast cable here just doesn't quite cut it the way it does in a normal big city...in fact, it sucks arse. The connection is so inconsistent....hate that. So, it's still wiggy now, but good enough for me to post.

So a couple of nights ago, I happened upon this awesome video...its a commercial, but the videography is hella cool:
http://www.bravia-advert.com/commercial/braviaextcommhigh.html

And the song playing is a killer in my little breakup drama...it is an acoustic version of the song Heartbeats, by the group The Knife. Can't find anything but the lyrics, here.

Sent it to blondie, and his opinion was the same as mine...good video, just makes him want to visit San Francisco again...where we went when we took our first trip together...where i first saw pure bliss in his eyes whenever he looked at me...

UPDATE:
The song Heartbeats in this Sony Bravia commercial is covered by Jose Gonzalez. He was previously in a punk band and also took classical guitar. He sounds like the perfect hang out partner, I think. He seems very cool. And this song Heartbeats is beautiful.

Album playing in my rhapsody: Veneer - Jose Gonzalez
Heartbeats
Slow Moves
Crosses
Deadweight on Velveteen
All You Deliver

(Gosh, so mellow for me...lovin it tho)

Missing him...

2005-12-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

Woke up today missing the best man I've ever met and was priveleged to be loved by. I'm crying in my morning green tea...been about a week since i've cried over our breakup. It just seems like our breakup is totally a done deal the longer we do this 'just friends' shite.

And the thing is, the more I get hit on by other guys, the more I miss blondie. He's sooo different from any other guy out there. He's totally not a creep. He's hella intelligent. A geek, but hip and stylish and funny. He's beautiful but not vain. He's brilliant and artistic. He is kind and tender hearted, but is independent and almost a loner...and sexy as can be. blondie is hot shit. i want to be with him again.

sigh...

salty green tea...and working on a sunday...gotta try to get over him.

no music this morning: i'm sad enough

Well done ExBf

2005-12-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

So my exbf has a pretty big community site...and I just got an email from the admin (probably him or mikey) that they have set up a PayPal donation fund to give help to the Humanitarian Service Project this xmas. That is so awesome. Excellent job, exbf...your good heart is one of the reasons I will love you till my dying day...no matter how things turn out with us.

Post Breakup Makeover

2005-12-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

Not sure why this came on tonite, but I'm kinda wanting a makeover...want to cut and color my hair. Thinking dark brown/black for the hair, and maybe like 3" shorter...just up above my armpits/below my shoulders, whatever.

Already lost so much weight that I look like a toothpick with boobs...kinda feeling like making a full transformation.

My job is different too. Still freelancing, but waaay different than before. Not as much client stuff.

And lastly, I'm back in this country w/o the guy i still love with all my heart, the one i thought i would always be with. I'm without him and alone.

But I still have so many memories of our time together, and he is making it clear that we really are 'just friends' now, so I kinda want to put away my old persona from our time together...blondie used to tell me i was 'just one white belt away from dressing like an underage mall slag'...hahaha. Time for that look to go. Just wanna try something new. Everything in my life now really is new, so I might as well update my look too. In fact, he still has (had??) a lot of my clothes anyway, so I have to buy a whole new wardrobe either way.

He's finally online tonite, but I have him blocked again. Not that anything went wrong, but as everyone has been telling me, we both need space to deal with this breakup. As of this hour, I'm feeling ready to give him that space. I don't want to stay in a rut with this. I have no idea if there really is a chance of us getting back together like he said, but either way, we both will move on, whether we want to or not...it's inevitable. Hopefully we will find our way back to each other in the future...oh, you have no idea how I hope that happens...but in the meantime, we both gotta do our own thing. Thinking maybe a makeover might make the process a little easier for me.

songs playing on my rhapsody:
Ship in the attic: The Red Thread
Zero: Smashing Pumpkins
L.A.: Elliott Smith
Venus: Air
Asethenia: Blink 182

Empty Fortune Cookie

2005-12-03T07:54:00.000-07:00

As I report every few days, I'm not really digging this whole breakup thing...have lost loads of weight from missing blondie. (i know, i know...so pathetic/emo) Anyhoo so last nite, to help comfort me thru this breakup, I ordered chinese delivery to eat in bed...Weird thing is, they delivered 2 fortune cookies with my order (quite a fortunate thing in itself), but the one I opened first had no fortune, it was empty...which kinda wigged me out. So I had to google this problem. One of the first results was from the site of my longtime idol Molly Holzschlag. I decided to check out what Miss Molly thot about having the same empty fortune cookie weirdness...and ummm, according to the comments on her blog, either it was a lucky thing, or uh, something...i dunno. Not all that uncommon, but such a bummer.

One good thing was that the fortune in my next cookie read, "You will inherit some money or a small piece of land." Oh, and my daily numbers are 4, 0, 9....wtf are daily #s for anyway??

BTW this is my 50th post...Woooo!! Fortune cookie say, 'You very lucky to make 50 posts'.