Losing Family

I guess the hardest thing with breaking up with my b/f is that I feel like he was the only family I had...and now he has rejected me. I am an only child and was adopted and spent time in foster care...I spent much of my time growing up feeling a bit unsettled. I was always a little different than other kids growing up, because they had 'real' parents. I was able to overcome that by being brilliant in school. In fact, that was all that I could do to deal with the weirdness that comes with being raised by parents that did not give birth to me. I was a serious overachiever. Anyway, in romantic relationships throughout the years after college, I became close to guys, but never did have any that I could feel comfortable enough with to feel like they were truly family -- like we had merged our lives/hearts/minds so completely that it felt like we were blood...until blondie. And with this breakup, I am so beyond destroyed...and I dont blame him -- just the inevitable pain that an adult who was passed around as a kid usually has if they are rejected. Everyone feels pain when they are rejected, I just think there is already a weakness when a kid is rejected by their parents...i dunno. I feel like I lost the last of my family when I lost him. Devastatingly sad...

Here's todays stifled writing:


when i contemplate the loss of you
i wonder if the sun will rise again tomorrow

as i endlessly grieve for you
i wonder if i will always feel dead inside

my homesickness for you
is so painful it makes me ill




Songs currently playing: Torches -- Rise Against

-----------------------: Chocky -- Mogwai
-----------------------: Radical Adults Lick Godhead Style -- Sonic Youth