“It’s Only After We’ve Lost Everything That We’re Free To Do Anything”
Now I Feel Dirty
Hate to sound like a fucking diva. Cuz I'm so down with alt living. Its just that dating sucks. Single guys sometimes suck. I probably do too.
- No more nightly pubbing with the guys.
- No more constant IM and other communication with the guys.
- Just gonna focus on work.
I Have A Crush!
Online Dating Sucks
Yesterday a local star photographer said to me 'I don't get how someone like you is still single. You're beautiful, you're intelligent, you're funny. How are you still single?' How the hell would I know. I do not get it. And I'm so ready to find an intelligent, hot, hip, 30+ guy to date for a while.
He's pretty much dead to me. I deleted all of our emails and text messages. I'm not going to make myself even crazier by going over each word we've written to each other. I've already been though that with Blondie, and it makes for a messed up head, lemme tell ya.
I guess I'm so sad because I wanted to spend more than 3 weeks with the guy...lol. Honestly. 3 months would have been great. And the thing is, I'm not clingy or possessive. I'm model tall and have a good body and am often called beautiful. I am smart, and witty and live in a great place - I only bring these things out to give you some background on me. Basically, for me, getting guys is hella easy. The hard part is keeping them after a few weeks together with them. I'm not sure what goes wrong. This time, I'm fucking sad about not being able to get to know this guy better. The worse part is that the breakup happened over a 3 day period through email and he refused to just tell me he wanted to end it on the phone or face to face. I guess the fact that I allow myself to go through such bullshit is 1 of the reasons I do go throught bullshit like this. But fuck...he just seemed so much better than the rest. I'm tripping over how this went down.
Fortune Cookie Say...
"Others appreciate you more than you think."Really? Excellent!
Ok. I can hear you now thinking that this whole relationship clearly just started out wrong. I know. I made these 3 mistakes entering into this relationship:
1. I slept with him within 10 days of meeting him
2. I suggested it
3. I somehow thought he liked me for more than sex, cuz I liked him and thought he was pretty kickass.
This is not the first time I've done this. Actually, I pretty much am the breakup expert cuz when I look back on the past 6 months, I've had 5 breakups like this. Yes, 5. That's pretty much an average of a 3 week relationship to 2 weeks to find a new guy. Awesome.
I Thought I Was Gonna Die of Loneliness
And...and...well...i have to say PXXI worked!!! But i'm kind of a slow learner and it took more like 21 months instead of 21 days, but that shit finally worked. hahaha
So that means i'm dating again. dating guys that are worth my time. what a fucking loooong road. i seriously thought i was gonna die of loneliness in the process.
when i tried to break this crazy dry spell, i first went out with a guy i met on twitter. he was/is the lamest, most self-centered, not-even-hot guy i've met in a long time. he was only attractive to me at first cuz i met him on twitter (hahaha). so my immediate thought is that he's 1337, even if he's not hella hot i'm def more attracted to geeks than to pretty boys. but dude was neither! he was just on twitter cuz he wanted to meet more people. geezus. that tells you something right there. this kid has only lived in this god-forsaken city his whole life, and he needs to jump on twitter anonomously to make more friends?!?! ack!! that little dating episode lasted about a month. an agonizing month. he did a lot of hottie posturing he clearly must have learned from some trendy men's magazine. like for instance, i was at his place one nite and it was chilly so i asked him if he had a jacket i could borrow. well, for reasons only my body knows, we made out later that nite, and i took his jacket home and was gonna return it the next time we saw each other. but i kept forgetting to return that fucking jacket everytime. and i felt bad about always forgetting it cuz the more i saw him the more i realized he is NOT THE ONE. dude is going to school to be an architect, but he is not smart. trying to have a riveting conversation with dude is like trying to have a riveting conversation with my puppy. he keeps himself entertained with stories of how he and his mom and dad sit on their porch and make fun of people...holy shit. that's the one thing that makes him more excited than anything else i heard him talk about ever. dude is a small town hick who thinks he's hot shit for reasons i really cannot comprehend. he's only average looking, so i don't get his mad delusions of hotness at all. if i hadn't met him on twitter i would never have given him the time of day. gotta love the beautiful wrapper our online personas wrap us up in. but anyway, he kept suggesting that i was forgetting the jacket on purpose so i could see him again. FUUUUUUK NO!!! by that time i wanted that jacket and all remnants of him out of my house, car and life. he's a fucking Lame. so after i got so pissed at him telling me over and over that i really wanted to have more of him in my life & that's why i kept forgetting to give him back his jacket, i went to his place at a time when i knew he wasn't going to be there, left his jacket on his back porch and texted him that i wouldn't be seeing him anymore...he, of course, wanted to know why...so i made up some kinder excuse other than the harsh truth that i think he's a dim-witted, small town podunk who erroneously thinks he is hot shit and i can no longer stomach that stupidity. yeah, i'm totally hating. not really tho, i wish him the best.
i dated a little more after him, but dude drove me so nutz with his hottie posturing, that i think he deserves a paragraph on my blog for the kind of guys not to date. but i dunno, i went to dinner or lunch with different guys, never much more than that.
i had a pseudo crush on a co-worker...only because everyone thought we were together, when that thought hadn't even crossed our minds - we were just the only single people in the office so we hung out. and that crush lasted for about a month. but nothing ever came of it and it died away nicely. (i like that - no drama. i got to enjoy the view from across my cubicle while i was crushing, and we hung out a couple of times, but mostly just work. that was alright.)
then 3 other guys started talking to me - all about the same time. i am still talking to 1 of them regularly who happens to be a hardcore geek. another one is a tasty pretty boi working in an ad agency, but he is soooo aggressive that i've lost a little interest. but my social calendar is pretty much filled all the time now.
i dunno if i'm really cut out for the traditional-type relationship anymore. i'm so flawed and ridiculous that it would take a pretty open-hearted guy to put up with all i bring to a serious relationship. the casual type of relationship is great. but serious...meh. i dunno. i'm just hella glad i'm finally feeling like i'm getting over this breakup. i cannot believe how long it took for me. and secretly, i feel like i'll never be fully over it, but it's at least not ruling my everyday anymore. that feels like freedom to me.
Need Another PXXI Lesson
update - he pinged me back and said he didn't want to keep in touch. at least now i know.
its best that way. maybe now i can rid myself from that speck of hope that i always carried with me.
its like we never knew each other at all now...
(continuous) - i haven't blogged in forever, yet i'm still making a steady (albeit slow) stream of connections from this blog.
(earth) - i worry that i'm leaving only a carbon footprint and this shite blog after me.
(--) - no one is a witness to my life.
(acceptance) - why is no one ever good enough?
(committment) - i haven't been to a wedding for 3 years. the last one i attended was with blondie. i am going to a wedding this weekend. my 2 very good friends are getting married saturday. i don't know how i will keep from getting physically ill.
(nerd) - i've fallen in love with NPR (especially Ira Glass - This American Life). this means i truly need to get a life :(
(future) - moving into a brand new condo next week. this should be awesome to the extreme since i won't have roommates. all of the units in this condo have sold. clearly the real estate market is not tanked in this state yet.
(pain) - i miss the Atlantic ocean bad.
i hate that my heart is still broken.
done navelgazing - i.e. not over him yet but gonna act like i am
ever since then, i've waffled between keeping this blog or dumping it because of the hella intense embarrasment i have from blondie seeing what a weak arse i've become since our breakup. i'm so pissed that technorati gave him outdated cached info that he just followed, ending up here...GAWD! i'm pissed about that. and if you want to read my mini-rant on this, here it is. the comments have more good stuff. anyway, i'm not gonna re-rant on this.
so i'm thinking over (or maybe over-thinking) why i started this blog. i wrote in this blog to remember. i wrote out of respect for the most amazing guy i know. i wrote a personal shrine to our time together. i was truly happy with blondie. like i have never been before. and i thought it was going to last the rest of our lives. but yeah, i wrote to remember. i wrote to get the pain out. i was so brokenhearted. and i wrote to heal. i wrote to say goodbye and apologize to blondie. my first posts were difficult to write because of how destroyed i was, and the fact that i knew that someone might find my words and tell me to quit being such a whiney-ass bitch. and that did happen. early on. but surprisingly, it didn't stop me. i kept writing and it got easier. i wrote here to keep from writing blondie so many life-story emails about why he should take me back. i didn't think anyone would find this piece. breakup blog was just for me. no way would he ever find this...or so i thot.
i was a complete mess after this breakup for sooo long. we had an epoch love story in the making. it was such a sweet relationship. there were so many good memories. and after we broke up, certain songs brought the memories down on me so hard. it was painful, almost hard to breathe painful...but again so sweet because i was able to relive times in my mind with the guy i adore(d) so much.
as the months passed, one day while i was writing a post with tears streaming down my face, and barely able to take a deep breath because of sobbing so hard (not unlike now), i began to wonder if the pain was a way for me to continue to feel connected to blondie. the pain had become familiar and was only about him. honestly, after a while i think writing about blondie became less healing, and more a way for me to keep a part of us alive.
i wanted so bad to keep at least a friendship alive that i kept contacting blondie until i started a 21-day no contact program i named PXXI. that was the beginning of me truly starting to heal. i was so emo before and during pxxi. but it definitely did something for me. it shifted my thinking somehow. i really did start to chill during pxxi. and my world shifted somehow. while i was doing pxxi, people who i connected with previously seemed to come out of the woodwork and contacted me about work and getting together. my mentor even contacted me and encouraged me and really kicked my arse about not having my biz in order. so things changed while i was on pxxi. my life changed.
so as i live in these changes now...the next steps in my life, growing up, moving, going from contractor to employee, i'm thinking maybe now is the right time to publicly end my posts about my time together with blondie. there are other reasons too, i guess. i think another reason is that i'm pretty sure that this time he has blocked me from IM for real since he happened upon this blog and read a lot of it. he wont respond to my emails now, and since he found breakup blog he's not even willing to keep the friendship thing going, even tho it was always a pretty lame excuse for a friendship anyway except for a few hilarious times since our breakup. he's a good guy and i can't say anything bad about him. but i think the time i've spent writing in this blog over these past few months trying to adjust to life without blondie is done. blondie is one of those rare people that i will never be over. but i realize that it is time to put our sweet memories in a box and put it away now.
so i wanna say thank you to everyone for helping me get thru this. thank you to my offline friends. thank you to my new breakup blog friends. thank you for all of your support and comments and letting me have the privilege of growing with you as we all move on and get over our breakups.
this is not goodbye. i'll be around. i'll start some new blog, and i'll let you know about it. i'm pretty sure it won't be on blogger. for the longest time i've had a copy of wordpress, and for my next blog, i'll buy a domain and set up a wordpress blog. hopefully there will be a lot less downtime that way and you all can blogtroll on my blog as much as you like ;)
i love you all. i wish you all the best. please holla in the comments and lets have a growing up and getting over the ex party right here. i'm excited for what's ahead for all of us. cya in the next blog!
Bye -- Elliott Smith
Close the Door -- Mobius Band
*i will always love you blondie. and i will be here for you if you ever change your mind. otherwise my friend, the love of my life, have a wonderful, wonderful life. i miss you.*
Why is Blogger down so much lately??
stay entertained -- stellastarr*
Fortune Cookie Say...
"Good things are coming to you in due course of time."
Packing My Bags
good thing is theres not really that much to worry about. just a few bags to pack. then, i leave in a little over a week, i'll fly out to meet up with trev, and we'll head to the east coast.
i'm so scared. but i'm excited. this is the biggest move i've ever made cuz i'm not going there with a best friend or a boyfriend. i do have a friend there that i'll be staying with for the first month till my place gets furnished, and i love the people i will be working with. but this is a huge change for me. i guess after a huge breakup like this, it's prolly the best thing for me. i've got to move on completely. blondie did mention a possibility of us getting back together, but i'm starting to see now that it was more him just being the nice guy that he is. he didn't want to hurt me anymore than i already was hurting. so props to him for that. but i'm not holding out hope anymore. he doesn't contact me at all, so i'm just gonna follow his lead, and move on. (i'll miss going to ikea and your monster shopping trips with you, yo)
and so next week i'm moving to a place i know nothing about. and i'm going to have to buy all new furniture. and get my arse out there and make all new friends to geek it up with. and start having fun again. and find a yoga or pilates studio. and use my paints. and..and...yeah. i'm starting over. it's fucking terrifying. but so the right thing.
wow. this is one of those 'when one door closes, another one opens' moments. amazing how fucking scary it is. absolutely knee-knocking terrifying. but i'm ready for this.
on another note. i just want to send an open apology to any of the dudes i've chatted with that i've been a bitch to. i think i've taken out my hurt collectively on all guys. i just want to apologize for that. thank you guys for supporting me thru this. you're amazing.
looking at the amazing painting trev did for me. it is a bunny-man standing in front of a background that swirls and moves. the bunny-man doesn't have a normal face like with eyes, nose, ears...but instead he's got the word BREATHE spelled backward on his face. when he would look into a mirror, he would always see that reminder to breathe. that's what i need to remember. just breathe. slow my breathing and my heart. and just do shit that needs to be done and dont be such a scared bunny.
so much eclectic good music tonite during this post:
Autorelocator -- At The Drive-In
Dial: Revenge -- Mogwai
Trust Me -- Viva Death
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight -- The Postal Service
Alone in Kyoto -- Air
but, i found this little snippet of brilliance on guy kawasaki's blog. hehehe, prolly the only whiney-azz broken hearted bitch linking to his blog, but...i love that man.
"Create something worth executing.You're going to get tired of my obsession with great products but pitching, demoing, bootstrapping, and executing are a lot easier if you've created something meaning-full. It's hard to stay motivated and excited about executing crap. It's easy if you're changing the world. So if you and your team are having a hard time executing, maybe you're working on the wrong thing."
so i'm also on a metaphor high today...sass was all metaphorically fluent this morning, and so i'm seeing metaphors in almost everything now. and i'm seeing this whole execution/change the world thing as a metaphor to get out of my funk with this god forsaken breakup too...
but mostly, i gotta get to work, not only on client stuff, but my own after-hours stuff...and this gives the most clarity to why i'm doing this shit with having my own business...it's totally to change the world.
guys i heart for making me focus on my business:
there are more...i just gotta get to work now.
You think so loud it hurts my ears...I want to know how to get through this without choking up. I can't feel you
almost 2 years ago, that phrase 'you're so far away' started our whole little 'thing'. we had spent a week together with a friend at a conference in toronto, and we completely clicked there. when we got back to the states and were staying at this friends house a day before our flights back to our own states, we were crashed out in our friend's living room. blondie took the recliner, and i had the futon. as i was laying there thinking of our time in toronto, and how our beds there were right next to each other, and how we were going home the next day and might not see each other for a very long time, i just said 'blondie, you're so far away', and he came over and slept next to me. and that was it. he had me.
but damn...that's a sweet memory...but it's only a memory now. and one that i need to lock away and not think about again for a very long time. cuz he is so far away now, but he's not coming to where i am to be near me.
I HAVE GOT TO GET OVER HIM!!!
i'm doing all the right stuff on the outside. i'm working more, i'm moving to a new place with absolutely no reminders of him. i'm working on my business. i'm taking care of myself physically. i'm even doing the post-breakup makeover (that kinda started cuz i haven't gotten to a salon in a very long time, but its looking kinda cute, and i'm gonna finally get to a salon and complete the transformation). so its all working on the outside.
i guess some things are working on the inside too cuz when i talk about him now, i actually don't break down in tears. that was the stupidest and longest phase ever, but my heart was, i can't even express, it was just broken and bleeding and there was just nowhere for my emotions to go. my heart could not contain them because it was in pieces. and now it looks like it is healing itself a little.
so how do i get past this phase i'm in now? i spend my nites dreaming about him. and every spare second i have where i'm not directly involved in doing work, he rushes into my head. i want control over this. i wanna think of him when i want to think of him. i'm sick of being at the mercy of my emotions. i wrote some words about that a few months ago right after our breakup. but how do i get over someone who was, imo, the one for me? i dated richer guys, cuter guys, funner guys, more popular guys, more affectionate guys...i dont think i have any delusions of thinking he is perfect. his flaws are out there for me to see. and even with that, he was the guy that i had been with for almost the longest time (there was another guy i was with longer). i was with him for so long and was ready to go to the next level, and then all of this other shit comes up and he breaks up with me. AAARRRGGGGHHHH! I MUST STOP!
ok...so i'm doing all the right stuff outside. my feelings have to follow at some point.
i've got numerous projects due today, so this meltdown must stop right now. it's totally good for me to have so much work, cuz that seems to be the only thing that consumes my mind enough for me to have some control over this.
this heartbreak insanity is awesome. i wouldn't wish this shite on my worse enemy. i'm so hurt and want him back.
but i just have to live like i dont give a fuck and i'm just happy being without him.
i'm content with losing -- underoath
so looks like Ex from TheExgf Project and BuB (me) are the reigning king and queen of "breakups" at Technorati. like the posts go me, me, ex, ex, me, me, ex, ex...hahahaha, and then some other random blogger. kinda funny...we are royalty.
yet this is not what brought blondie to my blog. what brought him here is some FUCKING OUTDATED CACHE OF MY BLOG on technorati linking to his! aarrrrgghhh!! if not for that silliness, he would have had no interest in some shite breakup blog, even if he had seen it...just not his thing.
bummer thing is that blondie came a few hours before my BIG decision post. thats only a bummer cuz he'll never come back here to see that even tho i will always be sweet over him, i'm done with the rejection and am finafuckingly moving on already.
but...last nite the impossible happened.
blondie joined technorati and fucking technorati says breakup blog links to his blog...94 fucking days ago!! so out of curiosity, i'm sure, he clicks through to breakup blog and finds shit i never intended him to see. he poked around here for a few minutes before prolly leaving in horror.
before this was breakup blog, it was just another shite personal blog of mine...i've had this blog address for a year and a half, i guess. and i was pretty sure blondie totally forgot about it...he has not been here at all, until fucking technorati gave him ancient information. maybe sometime in early '05, i guess i had a link to his blog...but goddam, fucking update my entry already techorati!!! i ping you every time i post, i cannot believe you are linking to links on my blog that were deleted almost 4 months ago AND mixing it up with content that is on the fucking blog now!!! there are NO links to his sites...cuz i didn't want this shit to happen...but, good ol' technorati outed me by posting outdated info. godDAMN!
so yeah, i'm talking freely about all of this because i am willing to bet money that blondie will never come back here again. this is just not his idea of a constructive use of his time. plus he knows i get wet over log analysis, so he knows that i know that he was here and where he went while he was here.
i forgot i had my msn on today, and after work he logged on, as usual. at the time that he logged on, i was still numb, cuz i had just looked thru my logs and saw that he found the site thru technorati. i fucking almost passed out when i saw that. but anyway, so he logs onto msn, i had my usual private wig like i do when he logs on...but i had NO temptation to message him. i'm totally mortified. my only consolation is that i know he's not overly curious about this shit. he won't ever bring it up, and i fucking aint gonna say anything about it either. it's just gonna be this stupid secret we both know about, but wont ever bring up. and the thing is, we both know it. i just dont have the heart for the wigginess that will happen if i bring it up.
i am pretty sure that his heart isn't softened by what he read here...and i'm fucking pissed that he found it the way he did. fucking technorati.
oh well...it changes nothing...unless he wants it to.
crazy song playing:
i specialize in lonliness -- boy george
As of a few hours ago, i made the BIG decision. Left the past in the past. Let go of the pain. Hated it, but became crazy friends with it...a few hours ago, I walked away from it, I let it go. I realized that even tho blondie rejected me, I am still in love. But not necessarily with him anymore. I am in love with the same things I was before I met him. I'm in love with life. In love with what I do for work. Want heartbreak out of my life right now. Things are different. Life has remodeled itself. Done grieving.
Remodeling myself too. Doing the makeover. Letting the old go.
Taking on a real job by day. Producing recurring profit-generating, scalable connection points with cushy exit strategies by night. (haha, yeah baby)
Building a new life. Moving to a new state. Living with new shit. Old shit is staying in Canada. Its settled.
Best times of my life were with blondie. They'll open the way for my new direction. Only happy tears now, if any. Happy that I had the privilege of loving and being loved by the most amazing guy walking the earth right now. I will always cherish our time together. Its tucked away to recall in my old age. The sweetest memories ever to die old with.
In the meantime, I'm dropping out of the grief club. No more wasting my life living in the past. Starting now, I'm following my heart and my intuition. Right now, my love is for my work. Work and my biz is my new relationship. I'll have to spend a lot of time with it, so I'm choosing everything about my work and biz that I love...the same way I will with a guy, when that time comes again. I never settled when I was with blondie, am not going to settle with my work now, and I will not settle in the next relationship I'm in either.
Satisfied. Foolish. Taking on life. Bring It.
Fortune Cookie Say:
now...well, blondie and i are barely speaking. i got a huge new gig. they are training me in their main office. which is only a matter of plane fare since all of my shit is in canada still. anyway, i gotta find somewhere to live, people to hang out with. and i'm quite sure the scene in maine is gonna be nonexistent. so that will suck huge balls. i'll have to go to boston if i wanna hang with anyone...and since i don't currently have a car (the el train was my car), that's gonna happen like NEVER. sigh....
so trev's coming with me to maine to get set up. one thing i hear from a lot of people is that i can get my smoke on there...hahaha. buncha tokin hippies out there...lol. but i don't smoke...goddammit!! and that sounds like the only fun i would have there...oh well.
well...maybe there is where i'll finally grow up. i need to fucking quit playing these emo games. this is really the first time i've played any stupid breakup drama like to this extent...and lemme tell you, it's fucking going to be the last time. i've come to realize that no guy who won't love me back is worth this much pain...even if he does want to keep in touch and stay friends. i'm actually all about staying friends with blondie, cuz he's the smartest person i know, and i grow weary of being with people who all think the same...and that kid comes up with some fucked up brilliant shit, so i gotta stay friends with him, if possible. but he rejected me so bad and i hate him for that...yeah i said i hate him for that. i do. he let something precious go. this world sometimes hands us bad circumstances, but if someone who is not like the rest, and is so like you and is sweet loves you and you diss that, especially out of pride, then you fucking deserve whatever leftovers you get. and as i've said before, i wish him the best.
the melodic noise coming from my playa this saturday afternoon:
It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door -- Underoath
Altered Course -- Isis
Troublemaker -- Nada Surf
Sweet Troubled Soul -- Stellastarr
Alone on a Friday Nite
i'm actually doing OK w/o ol' blondie. been planning, and planning...booking flights, setting up meetings, in phone conferences, working on 5 projects at once! there is a LOT of exciting shit going on now, and i seriously don't have enough hours in the day to pine over blondie.
i am chill over this breakup today. i have tried unsuccessfully for the past few months to move on emotionally...but now i am moving on physically. i'm planning my move to the east coast. i'm not really as excited about that as i was to move to seattle, but my client told me today that seattle is not ready for more people in the office quite yet. but i am first on the list!! so that is all good. i'm def a midwest/west coast girl, so i wanna work that as soon as i can...may end up being 2 years tho :(
so i'm making progress...and it's not even as emo and full of angst as not making progress was...lol. in fact, i'm pretty goddam boring when i'm not emo. there is just seriously no happy medium with me...hahaha
any of my blog buddies as pathetic as me and home alone? ping me!
at least my music is doing something for me:
Last Place -- Broken Social Scene
Stay Loose -- Belle & Sebastian
oh, i forgot to do this a few days ago when i got them...but here is my latest pair of shoes from zappos.com. i LOVE that place. and i love these shoes cuz they're such a cool color...not my usual pink, but perfect anyway.
ya know, i think i'm starting to have a thing for this color, cuz i just realized that i have shoes this same color, but not even close to the same style...here they are. cute huh?:
these shoes look AMAZING with my lucky jeans. lucky jeans and silver jeans are the only ones i can wear cuz i have hella long legs...a 37" inseam!!! yeah baby, legs up to there! and only lucky and silver make cute lo cut jeans with long inseams like that.
i wanted to post a pic of my fav find from zappos.com. it was a pair of Vans Skull & Cross Bones Slippers in pink....holy shit those puppies are adorable....but they're no longer in stock, so i can't show you...but holy cute!
allright...wow, i went on a little tangent there, i gotta get back to work...
Stop the Madness!!
i guess it's a possibility that he has been busy for the last two nites and just has not been on the computer...but the odds of that are LOW!
so whatever. oh my gosh, whatever!
so i guess one thing that is kinda exciting me is that i'm in a time of flux. i have many decisions to make. and i need to not blow any of them. as of about an hour ago, i may be able to hit up the president of the company who is sending me to maine to send me instead to my dream spot (even more than chicago, i think...i dunno) seattle. they have been looking to expand that office, and i would be willing to work in an office if they would send me there.
so many decisions. so few real answers. my life is not mine right now...i'm so at the whim of prospective employers and others. i have to somehow keep an after-hours indie $$$$$$-maker, but if i'm getting job offers, i really gotta at least consider them at this point. i'm not gonna get new furniture into a new apartment by begging blondie to bring my shit out of canada the way he took it in, that's for goddam sure.
gawd i'm sick of wanting to fucking HURL everytime i think of this shite...
this time, i realized, more than intellectually, but completely emotionally, that i can live without blondie and be happy without him as my guy. i also got that i really may never be over him in the sense of connecting on that many levels with a person so completely. he was MY One. i've heard all the arguments on there not really being just one love for somebody, but i recognized that he was the one within hours of getting to know him...and then after a year and a half of being his, and almost 2 years of knowing him, i know that it is true. he is The One for me. he didn't have to adjust to me, and i didn't have to adjust to him. when i met him, he was just perfect...flaws and all.
but after we had this bit of outside trouble, he will not be mine.
the thought is making it hard to swallow, i have this huge knot in my throat, i almost can't breathe, and the tears are monsooning from my eyes.
yet i am over it.
we've been emailing about a few things completely unrelated to our relationship or moving my shit back from canada. and this morning i had more news to share with him about our email subject, so i told him about that...about another wild dream i had about him...ok, so in the dream, we were with friends, out in the boonies for some crazy reason, and we were just hanging out. anyway so this group of people come over to talk to us, and after a while, they all of a sudden surround blondie and kidnap him! so me and all my other friends go running after them, but they had guns and a car, and we were on foot, no car for some reason. and because we were out in the rurals, our cell phones wouldn't work. so we ran after this car, some of us took shortcuts and we just tried for so long to find him. finally everyone in the group said they were tired, it was getting dark and they just wanted to go play video games and said blondie would be ok. i was livid--i mean RED HOT PISSED to say the least. so i just left them and looked for blondie myself. finally the next morning i found him, and he was with only one of the captors. so i got his attention and he noticed me. we were doing some silent communication with our eyes, he just understood that he was to run when i gave him the signal. so when his captor was not paying attention, he ran, we ran...and then all of the kidnappers came out and started chasing us saying they were going to kill us.
then i woke up.
so in that email i also tell him about that crazy dream. and then i kinda explained to him about the whole friends thing. i didn't tell him this, but i think one of the reasons it failed so miserably before is because i didn't really want things to change. i wanted him to still love me and basically keep kind of a long distance thing with me. i always felt so dissed when things didn't go right, and i always told him that i felt dissed...which might have been ok, but then i would also go into my life story and try to make him see how much i loved him and how he should take me back.
of course, after that he would avoid me. i would chase. the whole thing would start over and it has been ridiculously exhausting.
i don't want that anymore. and i know he doesn't want me like that anymore. but i know he still likes me. so i told him that i would be his friend forever even when he fell in love with a new little trick. and i would even go to his wedding if he invited me. it's just so rare to find a person who you connect with on so many levels, and our relationship was strongly based on our friendship and common interests from the beginning anyway, not a sexual vibe, like a lot of bf/gf relationships are.
i'm over it. i just wish i didn't still feel like throwing up. i guess i'll get over that too. i'm just not gonna live in the past anymore.
Songs on my playa during this corner turning post:
Loose Translation -- New Pornographers
Get Real -- Hockey Night
Fall On Every Whim -- Longwave
Window -- Joy Zipper
Wrong Side -- French Kicks
smack flowing thru my veins
i want my box back.
no other motives. (...)
we had an ugly post-post breakup blowup a couple of weeks ago which pretty much paralyzed me emotionally. i couldn't write, couldn't talk about feelings at all.
because of the blowup, he wouldn't talk to me at first tonite. but then i told him i don't know what happened last time we chatted, but i'm sorry for how it went down, and i just wanted to pin down the logistics of how i'm gonna get my box from him when he gets back to chicago.
took him a while, but he finally replied...then we chatted for an hour or so...about me, about him, work, conferences, being sick of making other people rich (i.e. being indie)
i told him about the dream i had about his family. he said it was the lamest dream ever...hahahaha...nothing mean.
he started out chilly...but it ended up as a normal conversation...and like after a while we were busy with other things and weren't chatting anymore...but, just like he's done for the past couple of years, when he was ready to log off, he told me good nite first...
actually this time he told me "ttyl". and he does/says EVERYTHING on purpose.
i guess i will talk to him later.
i can breathe/write/smile/focus now...got my smack
still so pathetic...and still can't be helped. i dunno...this is fucking stupid.
i feel fucking bi-polar trying to get over blondie. some days like yesterday, i'm all broken and have no hope. but other days like today, then i'm all better-than-everyone-ambitious, and that wierds me out too...
when is the fucking happy medium gonna start? i don't wanna be that hard ambitious bitch...and i can't be the whiney bitch forever either...ready for some balance already.
Blame It On the Tetons -- Modest Mouse
I Will Sing You Songs -- My Morning Jacket
i would like to say that it works, but there's always those times when i just can't work anymore. i'm hammered. i crash...and there he is, in my dreams. i totally never remember my dreams...til he totally knifed my heart and left me bleeding last week. that started this lucid dream stupidity.
the last dream i had was me having his parents over for dinner. seriously. i've never actually seen his parents or grandparents face to face, but i've seen pics...in my dreams, they were totally the same as in the pics. blondie was there, and we were still broken up...his family still came to my place for dinner. in the dream, it was less weird than i thot it would be. blondie didn't even act like we were broken up.
one dream was me seeing blondie with a new hipster trick. he seemed happy and i was happy for them. EEP!!! gawd...when i think of that dream now, i feel like throwing up.
i should be, and i dunno, maybe i am totally on my way to getting over him...but it just feels like i'm going to be dead inside forever. i'll look fine on the outside...flirt like i do...but never, ever love again. did i misunderstand what we had going? when i told him i wanted to go to the next step but didn't actually define what that next step was, did that mean to him that we were still just playing? when i moved to canada to be with him, at his request, did that not mean anything at all? when i spent all of my spare time with him, and never left him unless i had to, did that not mean anything? it was so easy for him to let me go when a problem came up...he fucking cut my heart out and left me for dead...and he feels so right in doing that. he's not. he's fucking not right. guess it really doesn't matter cuz i have no heart to hurt again.
that's allright. i loved you with all of my heart blondie. it ends with you. but whatever. i'm still alive...i'll survive ('i will survive' by beck playing in my head)
i'm having a day today...just back to the tears...stupid shit. but whatever. feeling lame enough today to post some song lyrics...i know...fuck me cuz i'm lamerz...but whatever...everyone can just go fuck off today. it's my goddam blog. best part about these lyrics, is that they're by ben...hmmm..whatever his name is. see? i don't even listen to the dude...harper! that's it...but a blog friend sent me this tune, and the lyrics fucking rip my heart out...what's left of it.
Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.
With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.
We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.
And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.
i believe in karma...but sometimes bad things happen to good people that i don't understand. i'm caught up in this now. and i guess what gets me thru is that i have always been a good person, even tho blondie doesn't think so. guess that doesn't even matter. and all i know is that this time next year, i'll be past this crying shit, be on my feet...in my own place...with or without my shit from canada. and none of this will matter to the people in my life then. maybe i'll decide then to start going out again...but won't feel bad if i am not ready. i'm just on the last dying breaths of caring anymore...and i'm just gonna get thru this while not turning completely square and hateful any way i can. oh well...i am strong now. done with this curse called love.
old skool playing on loop:
New Order (Vicious Streak & Someone Like You Getting More Play than the rest)
if you have a hot girl who will do anything for you and is sweet and is easy to talk with and makes you happy and she wants you to tell her that you love her, tell her you love her. and if she wants to be yours and yours only and youre older than the dirt, then let the girl be yours and yours only...
dont let the demons keep you from good.
- tonypierce of busblog
goddam...it's really this simple
...so i always order from this chinese food place mostly cuz it's close and i always love the fortunes...they're totally ALWAYS true. but what the fucking fuck is up with this evil fortune?? it's like taunting me for being a dumbass failure at relationships. and the WORST part is that there is a fucking smiley face on the beginning and end of the fortune!!
playing now on my playa:
Protection From Every Direction
this is what a mentor of mine told me last nite...gawd, even when i don't mean to, sometimes i still end up getting all emo over blondie. and that happened while i was talking to my mentor.
but he was not impressed...what this dude told me...well, that was prolly the biggest kick in the arse i've gotten in a long time. i mean, this mentor didn't really give a shit how i felt about blondie, cuz it is in the past...and my mentor is all about my future...he's committed to seeing me succeed and i think he's hella horrified over what a whining bitch i've become at the mention of blondie and our breakup. cuz, that just aint me...but somehow this breakup possessed me and made me try to resurrect the past. my mentor aint having any of that shite.
that was tough love at it's finest...i fucking felt all new after he got done with me. i felt like i learned a bunch of stuff about blondie after my mentor opened my eyes...and i just wish blondie the best. i love that beautiful shit blondie, and hope he does everything he wants to in life, but my mentor really helped me see how it's time for me to let go and move on...i think i'm ready to do that (almost).
so i just wanna say to my broken hearted buddies...buck up yos. (s)he's in the past...be about your future. maybe they'll be a part of your future, but they won't get there by you pining over the past...they may not be there, and if they're stupid enough to let the best thing they ever had go, then you totally deserve someone who will love you.
so i'm gonna try not to be a hypocrite...for the first time, i'm really, really thinking i am ready to try to move on.
here's a line to a song i heard yesterday...i have no idea who the band is, but i loved the tune...let me know if you know this song "i dont miss you at all i dont want you to call i'm not alone i'm doing fine...i'll see you someday"
Life Fucking Goes On....
anyhoo...so i'm surviving without blondie. i knew i would. i was just hoping he would see the error of his ways in letting me go. but it's obvious that he hasn't. he's prolly chatting up some pretty little trick from his past. whatever makes him happy, i guess.
the only 2 priorities on my mind now are:
1) working my azz off till i make my biz what i really want it to be. right now, it's a pathetic excuse for a business, but that will definitely change dramatically in 2006.
2) getting my shit back from canada
i decided that i'm not abandoning this blog...you guys have all been too good to me for me to drop this cuz blondie made some decisions i disagree with (sorry, i still can't say anything bad about him...i did love him with all of my heart, and always will to some extent). so look for me to continue dumping here...but now you'll hear a lot more about me and less about blondie...and that's all good. i'm pretty sure that's why you all keep coming back for anyway...not for the latest 411 on blondie...you dont even know who the fuck blondie is anyway!!??? hahaha
So check out the new album by The Strokes -- First Impressions of Earth. I don't care what the critics say...this is one damn fine album!!
i'm done. done talking about him. maybe done with this blog. sick of remembering him. he was so sweet when we were together. now...i've never seen this side of him.
crushed...he's just mean now and acts like i should be grateful for that. got 3 suitcases to my name...the rest is staying up there. and he doesn't give a shit.
he told me to fuck off...
ok blondie. fine.
today i'm feeling hurt...and feeling angry cuz i just do not get why blondie wouldn't want to work things out with us. feeling pissed at the world cuz i didn't find anyone i fully loved and connected with till blondie.
i'm fucking pissed that if i want to be with someone that i will have to settle...i'm fucking PISSED about that!! i've always settled. until i met blondie. he was 'the one'. i used to date so much before i met blondie that i feel like i have dated EVERY guy...and blondie was so much different/better than anyone i ever met and/or dated.
i guess i'm even kinda pissed that i'm gonna be alone, cuz i fucking won't settle. been there done that...fuck no. never again. i will miss being naked in bed with someone, miss weekends together, miss all the fun private and public couple stuff.
fuck...i only just miss blondie. i dont really miss any of that stuff without him being the one i do those things with. goddam.
why the fuck can't i sleep in on weekends without him? i HATE that!
Tunes playing this morning:
Maps -- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Silent Fighting -- Nada Surf
The View -- Modest Mouse
May Nothing But Happiness Come Through Your Door -- Mogwai
Wills Dissolve -- Isis
So I had a little bit of IM fun with blondie this week...and a lot of stuff in his world that might kinda affect me has happened too. I have no idea what the status is on anything there with him. And, other than worrying a bit about my shit, I'm ok with not knowing absolutely everything that is going on with him.
What I'm feeling right now is a little bit of chill. I'm just not crying all the time because I miss him. I cried today for about 10 seconds, and then I got back to my life. I miss him. But it doesn't hurt as bad. For the past few nights, I haven't darkened my pillowcase with tears over our breakup. And I can focus on work and my mind even stills more when I do yoga in the morning.
I'm lonely without him, and almost homesick, if that makes any sense. I miss being in the same apartment with him for weeks at a time before I go home to my own apartment. I miss standing behind him while he cooks or does whatever and hugging him. I even miss him telling me not to hug him cuz he's holding a knife, or whatever...hahahaa. Sometimes I just couldn't resist tho...he just always smelled so good...and his chest was so muscular...loved to feel it. I just loved being close to him.
But now I just have to move on with my life without him...hope we find our way back to each other again sometime. We were good together.
Seriously...how does my player know my mood?? Maybe it's just spooky cuz its Friday the 13th.
Track: A Movie Script Ending -- DCFC -- Album:The Photo Album
Track: Heaven Knows -- Rise Against -- Album:Revolutions Per Minute
So Up & Down I'm Getting Queasy
1: barbados is cancelled...blondie is happy about that...negotiations are sketchy (important)
2: this all means that blondie "may" quit and move back to the states. meaning...
3: i may not need colo, because i will beg/pay him to bring all my stuff back with him
Ok...with all of this happening, i'm just not sure how pxxi is going to work out for me right now.
what is happening right now is such a big deal in the big scheme of things for me...i have not talked to blondie about moving my shit back with his, but i will need to if he decides to quit.
he may decide to continue working on contract negotiations from another company there that is talking to him...but i don't know. and it is not really something i can talk really in depth to him about since i'm not his anymore...
but it's important because i want my shit!
...and of course, cuz i would like to get back with him at some point. i miss him. i miss his crazy sense of humor...was fun to share that with all of you a few posts ago...i miss working with him - the kid is brilliant...and he mentioned last nite that he has no reason to ever work for someone again...the indie bug bit him.
all i can say is that once he decides on what he's going to do about either staying there in canada working or come back to the states, then all should be go for pxxi...but i just dont see how i can do it now.
i want to be the boy - the white stripes
time turned fragile -- motion city soundtrack
he war -- cat power
Post Breakup Clarity : PXXI 2.1/1
even tho things went good with us when i contacted him those 3 nites, i decided that i'm starting pxxi again today. i even got protection from every direction. i got someone willing to help me find a colo for my computer in toronto so i don't have to contact him about using my machine (thanks sass!). someone to help me find a runner to pick up the box from blondie's house and take it to the colo location (hahaha did that make sense? thanks othercat!) someone to do pxxi with (thanks caro!!) and someone with eyes open for gigs and jobs for me (thanks sugar daddy!).
i'm seriously so happy with what pxxi did for me the first time, that i'm really excited to get started again. it was sooo painful, but the results were so worth the pain.
thing is, i have no idea if blondie and i will ever be an item again, so pxxi is good just to help me find me again...but it also seemed to have the added benefit of chilling out the wigginess between blondie and i...made him absolutely sweet towards me. no idea if that will last, but that's not really the point anymore. (wow...i really can't believe i just typed that!!)
Sweet morning tunes:
Let Go -- Nada Surf