2/05/2006

done navelgazing - i.e. not over him yet but gonna act like i am

so a few days ago i had a fucked up blow. my breakup blog was outed to blondie thru technorati. (say it with me. 'Fucking Technorati!' *i should put that as a tag in my profile...hahaha*)

ever since then, i've waffled between keeping this blog or dumping it because of the hella intense embarrasment i have from blondie seeing what a weak arse i've become since our breakup. i'm so pissed that technorati gave him outdated cached info that he just followed, ending up here...GAWD! i'm pissed about that. and if you want to read my mini-rant on this, here it is. the comments have more good stuff. anyway, i'm not gonna re-rant on this.

so i'm thinking over (or maybe over-thinking) why i started this blog. i wrote in this blog to remember. i wrote out of respect for the most amazing guy i know. i wrote a personal shrine to our time together. i was truly happy with blondie. like i have never been before. and i thought it was going to last the rest of our lives. but yeah, i wrote to remember. i wrote to get the pain out. i was so brokenhearted. and i wrote to heal. i wrote to say goodbye and apologize to blondie. my first posts were difficult to write because of how destroyed i was, and the fact that i knew that someone might find my words and tell me to quit being such a whiney-ass bitch. and that did happen. early on. but surprisingly, it didn't stop me. i kept writing and it got easier. i wrote here to keep from writing blondie so many life-story emails about why he should take me back. i didn't think anyone would find this piece. breakup blog was just for me. no way would he ever find this...or so i thot.

i was a complete mess after this breakup for sooo long. we had an epoch love story in the making. it was such a sweet relationship. there were so many good memories. and after we broke up, certain songs brought the memories down on me so hard. it was painful, almost hard to breathe painful...but again so sweet because i was able to relive times in my mind with the guy i adore(d) so much.

as the months passed, one day while i was writing a post with tears streaming down my face, and barely able to take a deep breath because of sobbing so hard (not unlike now), i began to wonder if the pain was a way for me to continue to feel connected to blondie. the pain had become familiar and was only about him. honestly, after a while i think writing about blondie became less healing, and more a way for me to keep a part of us alive.

i wanted so bad to keep at least a friendship alive that i kept contacting blondie until i started a 21-day no contact program i named PXXI. that was the beginning of me truly starting to heal. i was so emo before and during pxxi. but it definitely did something for me. it shifted my thinking somehow. i really did start to chill during pxxi. and my world shifted somehow. while i was doing pxxi, people who i connected with previously seemed to come out of the woodwork and contacted me about work and getting together. my mentor even contacted me and encouraged me and really kicked my arse about not having my biz in order. so things changed while i was on pxxi. my life changed.

so as i live in these changes now...the next steps in my life, growing up, moving, going from contractor to employee, i'm thinking maybe now is the right time to publicly end my posts about my time together with blondie. there are other reasons too, i guess. i think another reason is that i'm pretty sure that this time he has blocked me from IM for real since he happened upon this blog and read a lot of it. he wont respond to my emails now, and since he found breakup blog he's not even willing to keep the friendship thing going, even tho it was always a pretty lame excuse for a friendship anyway except for a few hilarious times since our breakup. he's a good guy and i can't say anything bad about him. but i think the time i've spent writing in this blog over these past few months trying to adjust to life without blondie is done. blondie is one of those rare people that i will never be over. but i realize that it is time to put our sweet memories in a box and put it away now.

so i wanna say thank you to everyone for helping me get thru this. thank you to my offline friends. thank you to my new breakup blog friends. thank you for all of your support and comments and letting me have the privilege of growing with you as we all move on and get over our breakups.

this is not goodbye. i'll be around. i'll start some new blog, and i'll let you know about it. i'm pretty sure it won't be on blogger. for the longest time i've had a copy of wordpress, and for my next blog, i'll buy a domain and set up a wordpress blog. hopefully there will be a lot less downtime that way and you all can blogtroll on my blog as much as you like ;)

i love you all. i wish you all the best. please holla in the comments and lets have a growing up and getting over the ex party right here. i'm excited for what's ahead for all of us. cya in the next blog!


Bye -- Elliott Smith
Close the Door -- Mobius Band

*i will always love you blondie. and i will be here for you if you ever change your mind. otherwise my friend, the love of my life, have a wonderful, wonderful life. i miss you.*