10/11/2008

“It’s Only After We’ve Lost Everything That We’re Free To Do Anything”

Uncle already. I surrender. I lost the love of my life. I lost my ability to love, or maybe to be loved, because breaking up with Blondie destroyed me. 

Actually, I'm over it. Have been for a really long time. But this morning I woke up remembering that his sister is getting married today. Getting married to the same guy she started dating a few months before Blondie and I started dating. I'm so happy for them. 

Why does their marriage make me so emo again? First off, I woke up remembering they were getting married. I dreamed about Blondie last nite. I dreamed about things being the way they used to be. And that included seeing his sister and her fiance often. So coming out of that dream to the reality that I'm no longer with Blondie, and his sister is today getting married is bittersweet. 

I've gone briefly into stalker mode and checked out flickr pics of Blondie. He looks good. He looks happy. And I check out his blog 3-4 times a year. Not often at all. I'm kinda over making myself suffer over him. But he was a very important person in my life. I'll probably always retain some sort of curiosity about how he's doing.

If you've read this blog long enough, you know that I lost myself when Blondie broke up with me. All this time later, it seems absolutely silly to even admit that. I'm pretty embarrassed about the complete emo drivel on this piece of shit blog. But then again, whatever. Its just a blog. Its just a breakup. 

I guess what sucks is that I let myself lose so much more than just a relationship. And now my net is ripped open, and its just about me. What am I going to do with myself? I'm not sad really. Its just hard to open up when I know I've made it hard for guys to get close to me. I know I try to fit guys I date into Blondie's mold. None of them can compare, and I start getting all complainey about them or back off from them, and then find myself surprised when they decide not to play that game anymore. Thing is, I dont even want to play that game anymore. I'm jumping off that merry-go-round. I'm free. 

What now?

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3 Comments:

Blogger Still in Love said...

I know how you feel! Sometimes there are those little things that pull you back into the relationship and you can remember everything. I'm glad I found your blog becasue I am going through some of the same things.

11/25/2008 02:47:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

Healing a broken heart is not an easy task. You experience feelings that are confusing and hurtful – and healing does not happen quickly. The first step in healing after a break up is accepting that it's over. The second step is addressing broken heart syndrome in its early stages and the third step is realizing that you and only you are responsible for your happiness. So to truly be happy, you have to take total control of your happiness. Taking control of your happiness is the end result of the healing process. On breakingup-coping-healing-and-makingup.comI found some broken heart healing tips. I hope it will be helpful for you.

10/17/2009 08:46:00 PM  
Blogger Unknown said...

When we suffer a loss, a break-up, a painful change in our lives, we need to remember to take all the time we need to heal emotionally. Moving forward and getting back on track with our lives doesn’t take a day. It takes a lot of small steps to allow us to break free from our broken self and move on.
When to Breakup

5/03/2014 07:56:00 AM  

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