10/05/2008

New Addiction

I'm so single it hurts. I fucking hate it!

Since my addiction to beautiful, brilliant, emotionally iffy guys isn't going to be taken care of, I'm feeling a need for a replacement addiction. I'm pretty much done with the dive bar scene - only because too many guys fitting the description of my first addiction are there. Torture. And drinking alone every damn day just feels weird. I don't do substances really. At least not the illicit kind. And I've rubbed it out till I'm no longer interested in solo sex. Lame.

Thinking all that's left is food. Which is so whack. But I'm sooo devoid of excitement - and the rush I get from meeting a guy I dig is so exciting. Strangely enough food gives a teeny tiny bit of that same rush. Why do you think so many single girls are a little chubby? I think it's cuz they're burned out on the whole dating scene, like myself, and get some strange satisfaction from eating that whole box of fancy cupcakes and buzzing like a mutha fucker on sugar and chocolate for like an hour afterward. That's totally similar to the whole orgasm afterglow - with none of the sweating that goes with sex. I'm in desperate need for some kind of change in my world. I'm like frantically seeking the non-illicit-drug dopamine rush. I'm chasing the dragon still. I'm completely addicted to something. Connection. Comfort. Something - i dunno.

Shut up! Yeah I need therapy. But if I could just love somebody and be loved by them, my normalcy level would balance out quite nicely. I don't really think everyone is meant to be alone and fucking isolated in the world. Works for some people. It's bullshit to me. I'll probably either eat or starve myself into some awesome self-induced dopamine high. No guys needed. I have my preference. 

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