2/05/2006

done navelgazing - i.e. not over him yet but gonna act like i am

so a few days ago i had a fucked up blow. my breakup blog was outed to blondie thru technorati. (say it with me. 'Fucking Technorati!' *i should put that as a tag in my profile...hahaha*)

ever since then, i've waffled between keeping this blog or dumping it because of the hella intense embarrasment i have from blondie seeing what a weak arse i've become since our breakup. i'm so pissed that technorati gave him outdated cached info that he just followed, ending up here...GAWD! i'm pissed about that. and if you want to read my mini-rant on this, here it is. the comments have more good stuff. anyway, i'm not gonna re-rant on this.

so i'm thinking over (or maybe over-thinking) why i started this blog. i wrote in this blog to remember. i wrote out of respect for the most amazing guy i know. i wrote a personal shrine to our time together. i was truly happy with blondie. like i have never been before. and i thought it was going to last the rest of our lives. but yeah, i wrote to remember. i wrote to get the pain out. i was so brokenhearted. and i wrote to heal. i wrote to say goodbye and apologize to blondie. my first posts were difficult to write because of how destroyed i was, and the fact that i knew that someone might find my words and tell me to quit being such a whiney-ass bitch. and that did happen. early on. but surprisingly, it didn't stop me. i kept writing and it got easier. i wrote here to keep from writing blondie so many life-story emails about why he should take me back. i didn't think anyone would find this piece. breakup blog was just for me. no way would he ever find this...or so i thot.

i was a complete mess after this breakup for sooo long. we had an epoch love story in the making. it was such a sweet relationship. there were so many good memories. and after we broke up, certain songs brought the memories down on me so hard. it was painful, almost hard to breathe painful...but again so sweet because i was able to relive times in my mind with the guy i adore(d) so much.

as the months passed, one day while i was writing a post with tears streaming down my face, and barely able to take a deep breath because of sobbing so hard (not unlike now), i began to wonder if the pain was a way for me to continue to feel connected to blondie. the pain had become familiar and was only about him. honestly, after a while i think writing about blondie became less healing, and more a way for me to keep a part of us alive.

i wanted so bad to keep at least a friendship alive that i kept contacting blondie until i started a 21-day no contact program i named PXXI. that was the beginning of me truly starting to heal. i was so emo before and during pxxi. but it definitely did something for me. it shifted my thinking somehow. i really did start to chill during pxxi. and my world shifted somehow. while i was doing pxxi, people who i connected with previously seemed to come out of the woodwork and contacted me about work and getting together. my mentor even contacted me and encouraged me and really kicked my arse about not having my biz in order. so things changed while i was on pxxi. my life changed.

so as i live in these changes now...the next steps in my life, growing up, moving, going from contractor to employee, i'm thinking maybe now is the right time to publicly end my posts about my time together with blondie. there are other reasons too, i guess. i think another reason is that i'm pretty sure that this time he has blocked me from IM for real since he happened upon this blog and read a lot of it. he wont respond to my emails now, and since he found breakup blog he's not even willing to keep the friendship thing going, even tho it was always a pretty lame excuse for a friendship anyway except for a few hilarious times since our breakup. he's a good guy and i can't say anything bad about him. but i think the time i've spent writing in this blog over these past few months trying to adjust to life without blondie is done. blondie is one of those rare people that i will never be over. but i realize that it is time to put our sweet memories in a box and put it away now.

so i wanna say thank you to everyone for helping me get thru this. thank you to my offline friends. thank you to my new breakup blog friends. thank you for all of your support and comments and letting me have the privilege of growing with you as we all move on and get over our breakups.

this is not goodbye. i'll be around. i'll start some new blog, and i'll let you know about it. i'm pretty sure it won't be on blogger. for the longest time i've had a copy of wordpress, and for my next blog, i'll buy a domain and set up a wordpress blog. hopefully there will be a lot less downtime that way and you all can blogtroll on my blog as much as you like ;)

i love you all. i wish you all the best. please holla in the comments and lets have a growing up and getting over the ex party right here. i'm excited for what's ahead for all of us. cya in the next blog!


Bye -- Elliott Smith
Close the Door -- Mobius Band

*i will always love you blondie. and i will be here for you if you ever change your mind. otherwise my friend, the love of my life, have a wonderful, wonderful life. i miss you.*

21 Comments:

Blogger PinkBunny said...

sniff... Jenn.... it's so sad that you won't blog here anymore... sniff.. it sounds like goodbye (even tho I know it isn't)

I'll read whatever you write next. Hope it's a happier and optimistic Jenn. Having a breakup blog gives us excuses to mope and you're right... I think blogging just keeps memories alive.

I'm very happy that you've decided to act like you're totally over him. I always find that if I try to act happy, I usually end up happy.

So, good luck with your new chapter in life! Don't disappear!

2/05/2006 03:59:00 AM  
Blogger Nic said...

maybe it's a sign

2/05/2006 06:35:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ths concludes this part of 1 of the program please insert CD #2 and resume play.

Maybe you'll continue posting and start giving us the good stuff. Or, maybe you'll end this therapy session on a positive note.

Whatever you do, it's been a 2 way street. In healing yourself, you have helped many others heal. I can't speak for everyone, but I'd like to say thanks and good luck.







P.S. Do I still get my postcard and flapjacks?

2/05/2006 10:10:00 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

you're an inspiration, jenn. really. i stumbled upon your blog many weeks ago, when i felt so bad for *still* being so low. and guess what? i haven't been that low since. it's made it a hell of a lot easier to have gone through this bs with someone so open and honest. so thank you--for listening to me vent, for the career advice, for the random jokes and fun games on YIM. and above all, thanks for being the kick-ass girl we all love. you're unstoppable. i'll prep the east coast for your arrival. we'll be lucky to have you. (happy tear, BIG HUG!)

2/05/2006 11:35:00 AM  
Blogger sassinak said...

dude
i understand why you're changing to a different bloghome but i'll miss this one.

2/05/2006 12:36:00 PM  
Blogger msmachine said...

This made me feel a little sad but I think you are really on the right track. I hope you let me know where to find your next blog.
I know the feelings you have when someone finds your blog who isn't supposed to and I am very sorry that that happened but is sounds like you are making this into an opportunity. Way to go!

2/05/2006 01:56:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

pb....awww, this honestly isn't goodbye. i'll let everyone know what my new blog addy is as soon as i get it up and going.

and thanks for reading...past and future. no more moping.

and yeah, i have to act like i'm over him now, cuz i'm not there yet...not even close...but yeah, i also find that if i act happy, it usually helps.

robert: bye. cya in the other blog

nic: damn right

alt: hahaha...yep time for CD#2. glad you were helped by this blog. you guys totally helped me a lot.

yes...and yes

caro: no you're the inspiration! i followed your lead and was so glad you came here to show us the way. i'm glad i was able to give back to you a little. {big hugs back atcha}

sass: aww thanks

z: gosh, thank you so much for the kind words. and nope, when this started i figured i would be the only one reading it...now 4 months later, i have a whole new set of friends from this blog. i'm so glad i could help a little bit. breaking up sucks huge dick, but its so much better when friends are there to help you thru it.

twisted: yeah i'll be sad to let this go too, but it is time to quit navel gazing...whether blondie found it or not. it's been long enough. life is moving on, so yeah, this is the perfect opportunity for a new blog.

2/05/2006 03:04:00 PM  
Blogger Lance said...

How lucky I am to have found your blog in the midst of this great transition. No matter why you started writing these thoughts down, or why you've decided to stop, it is clear that they were honest. I connect with honesty as do many others apparently.

When you get the new site up and running, don't forget to drop me a line and let me know where to find you. You'll know where to find me.

Good luck with your new life in a new place. You can be anyone you want to be there. But I hope you don't change anything essentially you, because I think your pretty cool just the way you are.

2/06/2006 03:12:00 PM  
Blogger Hubris said...

So you're outed. Ya know when they say "Tell us how you REALLY feel"? Well you did.

No regrets

Only learning

Please tell us where you will be when the time comes!

2/07/2006 04:48:00 PM  
Blogger Lisa V said...

good luck to you! you sound strong. please keep stopping by my stomping grounds and keep me posted. you're the only one reads it, and it's nice to know someone is out there once in a while.

2/07/2006 06:00:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

lsd: thank you so much for your kind words. i'm looking forward to getting to the new place. wow. so scary. but i'm still doing it. i'll make sure to let you know the new blog home.

hubris: hahaha...yep. whether readers wanted to see it or not, what i wrote was how i really felt. no regrets. learning...absolutely.

lisav: i love popping in on your little home. no way will i stop visiting. i can relate so much to small town living after being in a big city. i appreciate your insights and support lots.

2/08/2006 05:06:00 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

jenn, i just miss you too damn much. i like your blog. i like the rawness of it. i like how there's a million people who love you and feel you and don't want you to hurt anymore.
so let's keep talking. let's keep bitching, let's keep venting. or even BETTER, let's keep cheering, let's keep laughing, let's keep making fun of the silly mistakes we make. let's keep this alive. even if it's just through comments. maybe we can just talk about the most random stuff in our lives.
here, i'l start. what do you all think about continuing a blog through comments? hmm?

2/08/2006 10:17:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

caro: dude, i think that is a most brilliant idea!!!!

thanks!!

so random stuff today...ummm...my friend brando called and is prolly coming over late tonite...i love that kid. and still packing and throwing shit away...what are you doing?

2/08/2006 10:28:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

the comments section will break records in the blogospere. It will be legendary.

I'm in!

2/08/2006 10:36:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

alt: you're so optimistic. what was that about liberatemystuff.com??? ahahaha

no records...just more real stuff. but thanks for your comments. i heart them. you are a wise person

2/08/2006 11:29:00 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

did anyone watch the grammies?
does anyone love/ hate "ordinary people" by john legend as much as i do?

2/09/2006 09:35:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe you'll never find
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
You never know baby youuuu and I

(Verse 3)

2/09/2006 10:09:00 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

caro: so i'm musically snobby...i like what i like...which means i'm a little stunted if the name of the band is not on the flower15 or warped tour band list...stong dork tendencies...which means, no i didn't catch the grammy's :( lol

alt: so i'm guessing those lyrics are john legend? either way...nice.

2/10/2006 10:53:00 PM  
Blogger Nic said...

:( are you really gone?

2/15/2006 05:12:00 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

yeah, pop music is annoying. but sometimes i like to not think when i'm listening. probably a good idea to take up classical music.

mmmozart.

2/19/2006 01:27:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2/28/2006 08:33:00 AM  

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