11/05/2005

Possibly Maybe

So am I going to have to totally stop listening to my music to be able to deal with not being with blondie anymore? I'm sick of being so heartbroken over him already...but today so many songs I'm listening to are rushing in memories of our time together...They're completely making me feel religious...

Possibly Maybe -- Bjork. Memories of our first months together, our first 'experiences' together. The rumble of the El a couple of blocks away. Wicker Park. Saturday morning in his room.

Nightwaves -- VHS or Beta. Reminds me of the time I lived in his apartment while he was in another country taking a new job. A guy who colored my hair loaned me his copy of this cd cuz I told him I dug The Cure. Blondie thinks this band kinda sucks, but I was there in his place all alone so I played the cd till I was sick of it. Reminds me of the area he designed as his home office and the awesome brick wall it faced. I pretty much lived there all winter while I paid rent at my own apartment...there are sooo many memories there.

Life Like Weeds -- Modest Mouse. Reminds me of rides in his car. The Moon & Antartica was always my favorite MM album. When he/we moved out of the country, he got his first car. We previously lived in a big city and had no need for one. This album got a lot of play in his car. (Goddam, I miss that guy.) We used to drive for miles just to go shopping. He was a shopaholic. One day though, after a ridiculously long drive to shop, he saw signs for a yard sale. It was a Sunday, and I was ready to go home already. Plus, we were out in the middle of nowhere North America. But that was the point to him. Since we were in the middle of nowhere and there was a yardsale, how could we not go?? lol. So we did, and when we got out of the car to start looking at stuff, the lady who was in charge of the yard sale told us that everything was free. I totally thought she was joking, but she said that she had made what she wanted to from the church sponsored yard sale, and now she just wanted to get rid of as much as she could, so she was giving everything away for free. Oh my hell, I got a sweet bike, dishes, kitchen stuff, purses/bags, a shoe rack...i dunno, all sorts of stuff. So blondie then gave me shit for a long time for not wanting to stop at that yardsale when I found so much good stuff...hahaha. Good times. Sigh...

The Beginning And The End -- Isis. Actually, anything by Isis. This is one of his favorite bands. I used to laugh when he would be sitting at his desk at home, and when Isis would come on, he would air drum...lol. Fucking adorable.

We Laughed Indoors -- Death Cab For Cutie. This song kills me...but also kinda makes me laugh cuz he totally thinks DCFC sucks. He's seriously a punk music snob. He has excellent taste, but he could ease up on his strictness a bit, I think. This song is almost painful for me to listen to. Reminds me so much of all of our time together, and now. Now that we are apart and I cannot tell him that I adore him. This is sad...I'm totally back to the tears...aarrghh.

Farewell Ride -- Beck. This album by Beck, Guero, was another drive-time favorite. Plus the title is a killer, considering our circumstances.

Vibrate -- Outkast. WTF? This kid has waaay too much music on his iPod. Almost always on random. The Velvet Underground, then Outkast?? Hahaha. I got my hip hop education after meeting him. I have watched the indie/punk scene forever, and knew too little about rap, but I started to dig it after hearing some of the stuff he has on the iPod.

Everything In Its Right Place -- RadioHead. His old apartment. Weekend afternoons together in bed. 'Chicago Combo' lessons. Krissy & Suhail poking their heads in the door to chat for a few minutes. Green Papaya delivery.

I will never be over that man...
At some point, when he can, I hope he will remember all of the sweet times we had and smile. In the meantime, I don't want to give him anything else negative to think about. I have to let him go completely. But I will always, always love him. He is the love of my life. The time we had together was the most precious gift I have ever recieved, and I will always be grateful that I got to know his heart and was loved by him.

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