1/10/2006

Still In Love: Pxxi...What Pxxi???

(note: LONGEST POST EVER!!)
oh man...reading my diary from early last year...

Feb 2005
"wow, as i read over the past few months of my time with blondie, i can see that we have/are creating an epic love story...

my big worry is that i don't want to become a boring married couple type..."

so that was like a year ago...and the last few nites that i've had to contact blondie about getting vpn into my machine, it's almost like nothing has even changed between us.

gawd, i'm in love with that kid!!

when this whole vpn madness started, i PayPaled blondie some $$ for his 'trouble' to set up my box in his living room and also for the hydro and connection expense. about 10 minutes later, he refunds it, with the note 'I do not want your money.'

wtf? i wait for like, i dunno, maybe an hour for some other message of whether he's gonna let me vpn into my machine....nothing. i'm guessing he's prolly pissed at me for some unknown reason (which happened for a few months...broke my heart)

so after i get no message from him, i email him just the subject line 'you ok?'...and he emails back with his response...says he's gonna set up my box, yada yada...29 messages back and forth later, i'm done using my box for the nite and he tells me he will leave it on till he gets home from work the next day. cool.

so yesterday when i go to use my box, my fucking Zone Alarm keeps popping up keeping me from accessing some software that i upgraded the previous nite. and that's fine, that's what Zone Alarm is for....but for some reason, my mouse, tab, NOTHING from my end would work to either click Accept Program on Zone Alarm, or allow me to just kill the program...AAARRRRGH!! so all day, i couldn't work on my machine.

so blondie gets home from work...pulls the plug on my machine and puts it back in his closet...after about an hour, i notice my box is offline and the good doctor (blondie) is online. (as an aside, he is not a dr. but that is one of his nics...something like Dr. Blondie...but not...hahaha) anyhoo, so i IM him and ask that he plug my box back in...

i cant really remember how the whole thing went, but the "condensed" version went something like:
(me) my ZA is keeping me from using my program, how was your day? (i.e how did contract negotiations go)

(blondie) negotions were ok. they either need to let me take the job i want or make this job worth my time

(me -- seriously thinking this guy is brilliant, but not going to show me up completely) hey i got some job news too...the largest *** company in the us emailed me and asked for my cv

(blondie) Cool

(me) so blondie, can i have my machine for an hour tonite?

(blondie) that thing is loud as fuck. what was the permission problem?

(me) the software i just upgraded...and can't you put the box in your closet and just do wireless?

(blondie) BLAH BLAH (i seriously dont understand what he was talking about...but the answer was no)

(me-- changing subject) why don't your Live Bookmarks work with your blog anymore?

(blondie) i upgraded servers

(me -- taking my chances) you look very cute in the pics you uploaded

(blondie) great

(me) 'thank you' is the appropriate response...have you no manners?

(blondie) no i do not....'my name is blondie and jesus loves me'

(me) oh gawd...jesus martinez?

(blondie) maybe

(me - ignoring his silliness) so blondie, can i get my machine back for an hour tonite?

(blondie) send n00dz

(me -- ROLLING on the floor laughing...but slightly freaked out cuz this is SO NORMAL, and he's been such a fucking grump since we broke up...) this is Jenns! IM window...not someone else's...but i got some n00dz for ya, yeah baby!

(blondie) send n00dz

(me -- changing subject cuz by now my knees are weak) so you never did answer my question yo

(blondie) try your box now

(me) plz click Accept on my ZA

(blondie) i am going to uninstall it

(me) oh no you dont

(blondie) then you are fucked

(me) fine

(me --living on the edge) i like being fucked...especially by YOU!!

(blondie) i know, you were always begging for IT

(me) yes i was
--------
ohhhhh this is descending down into the pits of complete stupidity -- and if you're still with me after all this...my apologies...lol
-------
(blondie) try and disable it

(me) blondie...my fucking mouse will NOT work on it from here...just click it to disable it from there

(blondie) i have to get up to go use the mouse for your machine

(me) what a lazy arse

(blondie) what a demanding wench

(me REALLY taking my chances) perfect for each other

christ, we are a couple of ranting bitches...we totally make something small turn into a mini IM drama...i think only cuz it gives us an excuse to flirt with each other while trying to sound like hard asses...but its SOOOO FUN!! hahaha
-----
So pxxi? well...here is my take on the whole pxxi thing:
- Before pxxi things were BAD
- My failed attempt at pxxi gave us 2 1/2 weeks of no contact
- My conclusion is that pxxi is mad good at helping mend old wounds
- It helps for couples who were perfect for each other and therefore might reconcile if things don't go down into the depths of meanness...seriously, take a stab at pxxi
- It helps heal broken hearts for couples who are not going to get back together

I think that if i hadn't done pxxi...even though i failed by 5 days...then things would have kept getting ugly with us. in fact, yesterday would have been the final pxxi day, and before yesterday any contact with blondie and i was purely business-like. until yesterday...it got fun again and more like what it used to always be.

So, i dunno...i almost think i wanna go ahead and give pxxi a try again...even if it doesn't last the full 21 days...cuz the thing about blondie and i is that we never had any relationship problems...we were totally into each other...but a HUGE, life changing outside circumstance or 2 came up and pretty much killed things between us...but to see him treating me close to the way he used to before this all went down means everything to me.

Because we are in different countries, there is gonna be no bf/gf thing happening for a long time...i refuse to do the ld thing...well maybe not refuse...but it's hella difficult what with the travel and expense. i'm guessing we will not rush into anything like that at all...

I'm thinking that if we are going to be together forever, this time of getting shit taken care of will not hurt anything with us...we both need our independence and don't like the idea of being smothered by another person. (the idea just gives me shivers....Brrrr) If we can grow our relationship via a long distance relationship, i'm all about that...but once we can get back to the same city as each other...that's when the REAL stuff will start to happen. I'm not settling for less now...i just don't want more until circumstances change a bit. So i guess the perfect scenario for us would be that we just start over...start having fun with each other again like we've done for the past couple of nites, and then when we see each other at conferences, maybe spend some alone time together and see what happens ;)

i'm so into that adorable little shit...
---
of course, all of this could really mean nothing...

9 Comments:

Blogger Jenn said...

dude, we are soooo nerd and nerdier...hahaha

and i really can't believe you made it all the way thru this...but thanks for hanging in there...lol

1/10/2006 10:18:00 AM  
Blogger Caro said...

yes. just what you said. you both need independence. you both need this time. it's up to fate now. (whoa, talk about a surrender!)

1/10/2006 12:02:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

caro: well we're def both independent, but i am also scared/scarred. i could not believe he could just drop me and be so judgemental the way he was because of something out of my control, so i'm not gonna let that happen again...hells no!

i think he's chilling in regard to that, but i know it's in him...i always knew it, but thot i would not be a victim...now i realize no one is immune to his judgements. so i'm gonna be very careful before i let my heart get too involved with him again. he's gotta prove himself to me now in my mind...hopefully i have proved myself to him already.

crazy shiz dude...just nutz

1/10/2006 12:33:00 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

**you go girl**

that judging will catch up with him. he will learn. at least that's what i'm having to tell myself everyday.

karma...i heart karma.

1/10/2006 01:31:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

my beef is that he thinks he has the right to judge anyone... AND that you think you have to 'prove yourself' to someone.

if you aren't good enough as you are RIGHT now then it ain't the guy for you. no matter how much you want him.

that said i think that yes you are developping clarity but also that you could probably stand another 21 days.


oh, and i haven't heard shit about pickups in guelph yet...

1/10/2006 02:02:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

discom: blondie and i are physically almost the exact opposites of each other...but so much so that we look like each other (if that makes any sense).

one saturday we were shopping and just kept getting all these weird looks from the friendly guelphites...turns out they were prolly scared cuz of the t-shirts blondie and i were wearing...he was wearing a tshirt for the band "Dillinger Escape Project" and it had a hack saw plus those words on it...mine said "Free Winona"...

After shopping we went to my apartment, and my landlord said, 'you two are made for each other'...and we asked why she said that. she brought our attention to our shirts...we laughed so hard i was crying, cuz i never thot anything of it before she said something. we're totally punk nerds...

sass: as hard as it is to agree with you because i am so attached to him, i know you are right.

he should not be so judgemental...i think a lot of that has to do with things always coming easy for him...i have to admit i was once very judgemental too, so i understand why he is the way he is...but 'life' changed that in me, so i am very open-minded now.

even with these feelings i still have for him, i do not think i will go back to him if he cannot overcome this judgementalness...thing is, it's hard to see, cuz it is obviously something that won't come out very often...i'm watching tho.

and i'm not desperate anymore...

1/10/2006 02:32:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

word girlfriend.

word to the non desperation. i'm having some of that myself and it's nice :)


you're right that life will beat it out of him. my ex husband was so immature he couldn't hold down a job and eventually i kicked him out [wouldn't get up if i shook him and eventually i stopped trying] and a year or something later he got his head together. he met a nice girl and they're married with three kids (all the kids before the wedding *lol*)

he's a great guy now but he's not my great guy and that makes me sad but... life happens right?

given a choice i think i would still chuck him. however i would have done a lot of things differently at the beginning which might also have changed things.

who can say right?

so bittersweet. i'm really glad for him but sometimes i still miss him. but we never coulda made it back then. neither of us could handle it... even a couple of years older and we'd have been fine but instead?

we have good lives and nice memories of a tryst in our 20s with each other :) that will be enough for you one day... and it will always be a slightly bittersweet smile because part of you will be sad still. but not very much of you.

okay that was the longest ramble but does it make any sense?

1/10/2006 11:47:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

sass: yeah it makes a lot of sense...but i don't want this to be just a tryst in our 20s...i want this to work out for the rest of our lives...if it doesn't, it doesn't...but right now, i have hope. it is not enough right now to just have memories of our time together...

i just don't think there is any rush to get back into what we had before. he's got some growing up to do...i guess i prolly do too...

1/10/2006 11:55:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

jenn: wise words. just don't be afraid to let it go if that's what you feel yourself doing. it's easy to cling when we have nothing else on the horizon after all.

1/11/2006 05:47:00 AM  

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