Happy For Him...PXXI Day 3/2
gawd i'm fucking confused.
how could blondie just be so over me like that? i mean, while we were together, we had a few logistical issues and i am not into the whole long-distance relationship thing, and there were a couple of times i tried to have a friendly breakup with him, but he just wasn't having that...
then i follow him out of the country...how am i gonna get all of my shit back here? and really, my shit is the least of what's bothering me. i'm fucking still in love with that guy. i can always buy new stuff...but him. can't replace him.
fuck. i guess none of it even matters anymore, nothing at all. that guy is a machine. got a sick lifehack that enables him to completely forget and not feel a goddam thing at will. that's gotta be a lot easier than living with a broken heart, the almost constant memories and soaked in tears.
congrats blondie. i'm happy for you.
Album playing now:
Summer in Abaddon -- Pinback
how could blondie just be so over me like that? i mean, while we were together, we had a few logistical issues and i am not into the whole long-distance relationship thing, and there were a couple of times i tried to have a friendly breakup with him, but he just wasn't having that...
then i follow him out of the country...how am i gonna get all of my shit back here? and really, my shit is the least of what's bothering me. i'm fucking still in love with that guy. i can always buy new stuff...but him. can't replace him.
fuck. i guess none of it even matters anymore, nothing at all. that guy is a machine. got a sick lifehack that enables him to completely forget and not feel a goddam thing at will. that's gotta be a lot easier than living with a broken heart, the almost constant memories and soaked in tears.
congrats blondie. i'm happy for you.
Album playing now:
Summer in Abaddon -- Pinback
posted by Jenn at 7:21:00 AM
28 Comments:
I woke up today feeling the ssme way. Hopefully this session at the gym will help me get past the thoughts.
day by day..
yeah, weirdly this is the first time i've been kinda pissed since this whole breakup thing happened. i'm finally starting to think of my life, moving on, and the impact of how much of myself i gave to him and how he just dissed it because of something that happened long before i met him that was out of my control.
i'm starting not to care. breakups just hurt so bad. i personally think gyms were designed by someone who had recently gone thru a breakup, cuz they are AMAZING for getting your mind off the ex.
enjoy your workout...and you might wanna try yoga too. best thing ever for stopping the crazy sad thoughts and making you feel like a new person.
keep on it...you're doing great!
You're at the same turning point I was before I came back from vacation in California.
I realized that if she doesn't want me, then she doesn't get the power that she has over me.
I'm glad that I found this blog and P21. It's helping me to gauge my progress and give me goals to recovery.
I'm looking forward to writing my blog with comments that are less about my loss of her and more about me and what makes me laugh, cry, and generally go wheeeeeeee!!!
I hope to see the same here soon (providing that you don't shutter the doors here).
There is good progress here. Stay up!
oh my. you just turned a corner.
YES!! go jenn!!!
you're right. it doesn't make sense. none of it does. all you and i both know is that it hurts a lot--this thing that we have no control over yet has turned our lives upside down. NO F'ING FAIR! that made me so mad at one point. and it took me (what felt like) a long time to realize just that. and not until i said it outloud did it register:
"i'm angry that this happened."
that's recognizing that it actually has happened. and that's a huge step. do you see that? maybe not. maybe i'm just rambling again...:-)
one more thought: (jeez, can this girl shut up already!?)
it's not that he's a machine and that's why he's not in touch with you. it's that **this is the only way he knows how to heal.** he just doesn't know or understand any differently. it may hurt him too much to do it the way we're doing it--open and honestly. some people just like it take it a little bit at a time. we all heal differently.
alt: yeah, i'm feeling like he's losing his power over me now. weird...but the right thing.
caro: it feels like i've turned a corner. i'm really angry now, and i just wanna take care of myself like he's been taking care of himself.
and yeah, i know he was really hurt about being apart...but he can just turn his feelings off...gawd i hate that i can't do that very well, if at all...
but i'm totally feeling strong today. thanks for your support.
you know i would be sad for someone that can actually chop out whole portions of their lives... i mean really my life made me me and if i just chopped it out? where's teh fun OR the growth in that?
don't ever wish to turn your feelings off, it takes years to find them again and you may never quite manage it.
my ex tr claimed from the day we split up (and we split up ugly) tha he wasn't hurt, that he wasn't angry and that he didn't care.
cut to two years later and i'm coming up the stairs at a mutual friend's house. a house he happens to be visiting. friend says 'hey sass is on her way up, want to say hi?' and he says 'no i must flee' and runs off down the back stairs.
so just because they have it easy at the beginning doesn't mean they have it easier... and remember, you're LEARNING from this, he's pretending it never happened. only one of you won't make the same mistakes next time and only one of you will actually heal.
in the long run you may decide that you're the bigger person... and you'll probably be right.
z: yeah, pisses me off...like we had spent exactly 2 months together. bah!
but yeah, i'm starting to be about taking better care of myself. i used to be happy like most people. spent the morning snuggled up with Jane mag...that was totally good for me.
sass: most excellent story. i expect to see blondie again at conferences. i asked him if he would turn around and walk the other way when he sees me. he said that wasn't his style. (see yet more reasons to respect the guy), but i wonder what the reality will be. i seriously think he'll have a harder time seeing me than i will have seeing him.
In agreement with everybody, I think it's good that you're feeling all sorts of emotions, Jenn. If you don't feel anything, it'd be way more scary. You're human. We get sad and angry. It's good to be human.
I think anger also gives you a clearer view of things. You can see a lot of things that you were too sad to see before.
Hang in there, Jenn.
yep pb...seeing a lot of stuff more clearly now. thing is, he's such a good guy, i hate to be angry with him...but the anatomy of a breakup kinda requires that on some level...at least that's my experience today.
how are you all doing?
how can you not be angry? some part of you doesn't think that he's being reasonable and some other part of you feels toyed with and some other part of you feels trampled and some bits are sad and and and
you gotta be mad i think, even if you respect them.
course i been wrong before...
Sass... reading your lastest comment just brings me right back to being angry again!
I wonder if we ever stop being angry.
i'm not mad at tr anymore i'm really not... i'm just a little sad that my friend doesn't want to be my friend....
and sad for some things i've heard about him... but i don't care enough to be angry... and that's a hard place to get to but worth it.
"but i don't care enough to be angry"
Fucking A!!! THIS is where i think he is with me!! that's why sometime back i said i wish he were pissed at me, cuz it's closer to love in a way...a fine line there. and NOW i'm angry...don't fucking even want to be angry. just want to NOT FEEL anything about him. like other guys i went out with and were just friends with after we broke up. that 'just friends' situation was allowable cuz i didn't care about them. ok wait...so why isn't the just friends thing working with blondie if he doesn't care about me?
oh goddam! over-analyzing this, as ever. and i have no answers...
just want to turn everything off. bah!!!
you can't do anything about his feelings, only yours. the only way to not care enough to be angry is to a) be sad b) be angry c) cut him out of your contacts so you don't SEE him all the time d) get through it e) realise in several months that you've healed.
sometimes it takes us a long time because we also have to work through what we allowed ourselves to become. that was the problem for me with tr... i couldn't BELIEVE i let him treat me that way and THAT took me over a year to heal from... but heal i did and i'm a better person for it.
give yourself permission to feel AND give yourself permission to move on... and make a task list that requires more and less mental effort. when you get thinking about him just go DO it.
tasks like but not limited to:
wash dishes
clean apartment
do marketing
proofread latest assignment
call best friend
cook something
write in blog
go for walk
get pet
etc
etc etc etc
does the etc maybe have something to do with tarts and a yoga mat? ;)
cuz if it does, i'm in!!!
My task list includes kicking my trainer in the shin. His solution for easing the soreness that seems to have enveloped my body is to spend another 45 minutes on the treadmill.
As much as I want to be a robot because I think she is being one, I can't. Giving up my humanity is power that I can't afford to surrender.
Somebody's going to give me the same look some day. I just need to be patient and get thru this.
Does Yoga hurt?
hahaha...alt, thats awesome.
yoga, done correctly should not hurt...but it usually does the first few times cuz we as a society are so damn competitive and tend to want to skip the prelims and look like a pro...soooo, if you are willing to take it slow and do the poses until right under the point of hurt, like where it "hurts good", then yoga is seriously addicting and the best thing for the mind.
i just wish i could do it all the time, cuz when i finally come off my yoga high, then those silly blondie thoughts start creeping in.
sounds like you're doing great...wooooo!
You're doing great too.
Believe that.
=)
see i'm all about pilates (what with being an instructor and all) but i gots NOTHIN' bad to say about yoga ... that stuff is great.
i describe pilates as crack for your body.
anyway, alt if you're flexible but not strong do pilates, if you're strong but not flexible do yoga... otherwise try them both and pick the one that suits you :)
as for the etc? EXACTLY what you said :)
what yer email address? mine's on my blog. wanna send you a song you might like.
pilates does = crack for your body. i started pilates while i was in school because i took ballet (SHUT UP), and have been doing it ever since. but about a year ago, i started yoga...and my mom who has MS does yoga, sooo i tried it and wow...what it does for my brain is amazing! so yeah alt...try both!
SOLMAN!!! hey there!
blog.breakup@gmail.com
hahaha...oh and sass: etc? i am sooo in....rotflmao
jenn: nice, i want to take modern and salsa because they look really fun.
currently i'm investigating yoga. i had to wait until i had the strength to limit my flexibility otherwise they have too much fun turning me into a pretzel and i hurt for days and days and days.
your mom may want to also do pilates because learning to move from your core is really important to people losing their extremities...
sass...interesting about the pilates/ms connection...i'll def mention that to her
but yoga is more mind...pilates is more body.
there are many similarities in the poses.
and dude, just because you CAN turn into a pretzel doesn't necessarily mean that you SHOULD! hahaha
that's some of the funniest shit i've read in a while.
alt: kick him in the shin. awesome.
sass: you're f'ing hilarious. and i so don't want to care anymore. can you please send my dreams that memo?
(this is my witty closing comment)
jenn: people with ms have really good results with tai chi also. and she may want to investigate getting a cold shirt, keeping the core cool helps a lot... (oh crap or is that parkinsons... i'm almost positive it's ms but i'm happy to check with my doc friend if you like?)
i only sort of agree with the more mind and more body thing. i mean yoga is definetely more spiritual but if you're doing pilates right your brain should be at least as engaged as your body...
see for me i go to yoga class and they start pushing me past my comfort zone flexibility wise but since my muscles are warm it feels okay but then later i realise i've overstretched EVERYTHING. i need the teacher that tells me to hold back because i'm flexible as hell but still relatively weak in comparison...
it's ALL in the teacher :)
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