Chasing the Dragon
ok...so you all know what that implies based on my last post yesterday.
yes...i talked to blondie. yes, i'm a blondie-addict...but it's not what you think.
see, i have to get a prepaid phone and he blogged about them...i asked around to all my friends about them first, but no one had any info on them...so instead of IMing him...which tends to get emotional, i just sent him an email and asked about the phone...and also about his trip back home to chicago and his family and our friends. he responded right away with info on the phone and asked how i was.
and that was it.
pretty straightforward...not business-like--but not descending into drama either. it was 'friendly'...and that's all.
ok...so only because i'm so happy to have connected with him again do i worry about the whole chasing the dragon issue. on one hand it was necessary for me to contact him cuz he had important info that no one else could give me and I asked everyone else I could think of first, so it was entirely ok...but then this little voice in the back of my mind is whispering to me that it might be a little more than that...might be that i just 'shot up'....got my blondie fix again...otherwise, why would i be so happy?
soooooo, i'm back on pxxi...by the time i'm done with it, it might be more like pL...
ok...so start again from day 1? i think i want to, kinda...but not.
like, what do they do in treatment centers when someone has a slip-up? do they start them all over again from the beginning? or just give them a spanking and make sure no more slip-ups occur?
Mossbreaker -- Broken Social Scene
Public Pervert -- Interpol
Feel Like Rain -- Motion City Soundtrack
yes...i talked to blondie. yes, i'm a blondie-addict...but it's not what you think.
see, i have to get a prepaid phone and he blogged about them...i asked around to all my friends about them first, but no one had any info on them...so instead of IMing him...which tends to get emotional, i just sent him an email and asked about the phone...and also about his trip back home to chicago and his family and our friends. he responded right away with info on the phone and asked how i was.
and that was it.
pretty straightforward...not business-like--but not descending into drama either. it was 'friendly'...and that's all.
ok...so only because i'm so happy to have connected with him again do i worry about the whole chasing the dragon issue. on one hand it was necessary for me to contact him cuz he had important info that no one else could give me and I asked everyone else I could think of first, so it was entirely ok...but then this little voice in the back of my mind is whispering to me that it might be a little more than that...might be that i just 'shot up'....got my blondie fix again...otherwise, why would i be so happy?
soooooo, i'm back on pxxi...by the time i'm done with it, it might be more like pL...
ok...so start again from day 1? i think i want to, kinda...but not.
like, what do they do in treatment centers when someone has a slip-up? do they start them all over again from the beginning? or just give them a spanking and make sure no more slip-ups occur?
Mossbreaker -- Broken Social Scene
Public Pervert -- Interpol
Feel Like Rain -- Motion City Soundtrack
posted by Jenn at 6:40:00 AM
29 Comments:
How bout a spanking and 2 demerits.
It's ok to slip up. It's the humanity taking control.
Rehab would've told you to Google the information and remove him from your contact lists.
It's a tough decision, but you'll feel better in the long run.
** On a side note..I could've told you about the phones.
alt...hahaha who's giving the spanking? ;)
ok...so re: rehab. i DID google the info...i went to the sites i wanted to buy the phone from and read all their info...the thing i wanted to know about was shipping. like was it better to buy directly from the phone company or amazon? i trust amazon, but that's cuz i shop there like every few days...but their shipping time was hella long...and i want the phone right away, and the phone manufacturers sites only told about the product, had no info on when shipping would begin/how long till it arrives/etc. and i know he just bought one, so he would be able to give me that info...soooo that's all. i just couldn't decide on WHERE to get the damn thing because there was not enough shipping info.
and removing him from my contact list will do nothing...his #s, email addys and IM handles are hardcoded into my brain. i just don't forget #s and such...terrible affliction. the only thing i can really do is decide not to contact him.
and why have you not YIM'ed me? how would i know to ask you if i don't have your IM handle? ;)
so, right after my breakup, my computer's hard drive collapsed. (perfect timing, right?) as i was starting to piece it back together (the backup was corrupt, of course), i realized that there was one program that i needed the installation disks for. and guess who had it: him! i asked anyone and everyone who i knew used the program. and they all kept telling me that they "know HE has it." i'm like, yeah, that's the problem. so i let it go a little, and didn't contact him, even though i really wanted (needed?) to. and then one day my friend IMed me saying she had gotten it, and asked if i needed it. just like that.
i didn't NEED the program immediately. it just would have made me feel better to have it (probably because subconsciously he would have provided it.) but it was like my little mission...yes, he was a big part of my life, yes he could have helped me in less time, but i didn't want that. it's like i had too much pride.
i'm not sure if pxxi starts over for you or not. you only know what's truly best for you. just be honest.
sidenote: what day am i on? i dont even want to count anymore. but, when i woke up today, he was not the first thought in my head. (he was the third, but whatever.) h-u-g-e!
hey caro...i really thought about whether i NEEDED to get in touch with him...and i guess i could have just taken my chances...but i'll be leaving town and don't want to be w/o a phone, so i was kinda thinking it would be better to be safe than sorry. i do feel pretty justified in contacting him since it was a time-sensitive thing and no one else had the answer...
but as far as pxxi is concerned...i hadn't actually spoken to him since 12/19...so that made it 16 days...although for pxxi, it was only 14.
so i dunno. i'm kinda thinking start over again. i really REALLY need to get him out of my system and get focused on work and my life. so it won't kill me to start over...i was gonna do the same as you anyway and just keep pxxi going...so i'll do it like this. i just want him back so much, and it's killing me. gotta take charge.
i know you made the right decision, and there's no second guessing it. there's no point in doing that. in the end, only you really know what's best for you. and like i've said a million times before, so long as you stay honest with yourself, you'll be good to go. and for you now, a poem:
"mending" by j. viorst
a giant hand inside my chest
stretches out and takes
my heart within its mighty grasp
and squeezes till it breaks.
a gentle hand inside my chest,
with mending tape and glue,
patches up my heart until
it's amlost good and new.
i ought to know by now that
broken hearts will heal again.
but while i wait for glue and tape,
the pain! the pain! the pain!
:-)
pain...so true.
...waiting patiently for that gentle hand.
discom...such a curious little thing you are ;)
blondie's sexy mouth...mmmmm
blondie and me...sigh
toehead, skin like a baby's, amazingly long eyelashes, hair that flips up at the ends like a girl's (so cute), pale blue eyes that i always got lost in, incredible strong chest, best facial hair anywhere (i dig good facial hair), hip style, great smile, great hands...the sweetest guy ever. sometimes too judgemental...
Ok, so that's all. i'll tell/show more if we ever get back together. i don't want him to be freaked out if he ever finds out about this piece.
1. start again
2. that was an excuse whether you think it was or not.
3. get him OUT of your im lists girl, that's half your torture right there is seeing him log in. and i still remember my ex's number (er ex number, i heard he moved) but that doesn't mean i call it to see if he's there... or check the irc channel he hangs in to see what he's doing.
4. you couldn't EMAIL the company shipping the phone?
:)
at first it's really easy to use your ex as you used him when you were together, for info or help or whatever but you have to find new sources even (no especially) when they're not convenient...
sass...damn you
hahaha...whatever, you're right already!!
i'm back on pxxi...wanna get this crazy sadness out of my system already.
just think, a year from now, you'll look back and think 'damm i was nuts' and you'll realise that you're healed.
but you need the time of being nuts TO heal.
*sigh*
you're not following the rules anymore - you're checking up on him, unblocking him from messengers - you're thinking more and more about him
you need to start over, and STOP CHECKING IN ON HIM!
i'm gone for a week and look what happens
NIC!!!!!!
ohmygosh! i'm sooo glad you're back...
so i made it 16 days w/o talking to him...ALMOST made it...but you see my little situation above.
part of my problem is that he has ALL of my apartment stuff still with him...and sometimes i need my work stuff...depending on the gig i do. i'm gonna have to vpn into my machine soon cuz i need to work on it remotely...and i think i'm gonna get an online drive for all my files until i find an external hd. we really have some stuff to work thru with my computers and furniture. and i'm not sure how to do this with pxxi...but i'm back on, and i'm expecting to make it to the 26th this time...keeping my fingers crossed and trying to keep from needing to contact him about work...
so ridiculous...
but i'm soo glad you're back. how did everything go for you?
dear blondie:
please pack all my shit into boxes, the shippers will be there in xx days to pick it up.
thank you
-jenn
stop making excuses to see him and cauterize the wound dammit.
dear customs,
please allow me to send my stuff over the border...yes they got into the country thru...well, let's say blondie's company kinda rules...but i really REALLY need my shit and i can't pay up the arse for all of your goddam customs fees....
sigh...
are ya feeling my pain yet?
blondie will be back in the country in a year or so...would be SOOOOOooooo much cheaper to just help pay for him to ship my stuff back with his...
fyi...trevor and i were going to go up there and get my shit, until blondie reminded me of the fucking border weirdos. it remains very complicated...
oh man i forgot about the border/customs issue. maybe every time someone you know crosses a border they can bring a box of shit *grin*
gah got nothin'
i know you need to get away from him but then there's your stuff... have you investigated what the shipping/customs would cost?
i stopped calculating when it got past the $3k mark...but it's hella more than that.
what if you limit the shipment only to things you desperately need? does that make it manageable?
cause you know, clothes or pans are nice but computers are essential...
yeah...currently looking into that...in the meantime, vpn.
which blows, cuz it's really hard to go 21 days w/o getting into my machine remotely..and he won't leave it running...yada yada
i just need to get my shit.
may have a solution as of about 30 minutes ago...will keep my fingers crossed.
interesting that he forces you to communicate with him when leaving it running would cost him about 5 bucks a month in hydro.
*evil grin* mail him 50 bucks and suggest that that should cover leaving your computer on all the time
yay for putting it out there and finding solutions!
yeah sass...seriously, what the flip is that about? he says he does not care about the hydro or connection...he says its that it needs to go in his living room, and the noise the fan makes...wtf? first off, how much space does a tower take (hmmm...lemme guess here, 6" wide x 12-15" high?? and under a desk at that!) and then the noise...double wtf?!?!? he's gone for like all the damn day...and it's white noise, you don't even notice it until its turned off!!
sigh...
he's such a good guy...why can't he just cooperate? he's really making my life difficult. he's not that kind of person. i'm not sure why this breakup has turned him into this. i still want him back for goodness sake!!
ehhhh....i dunno
well the fan on my server is loud enough that i put it in the closet and closed the door. end of problem, server stays on.... annoying desktop gets turned off at bedtime.
there, tell him turn it on as you leave in the am and off when you get home... that way you get to use the pc and you don't have to contact him and he gets to 'not be annoyed' by the fan.
chump, he's messin' with ya darlin.
hard to say why... don't know him :)
with anyone else, i would ask that...in fact, i might don my shield and ask him that...but i'm quite sure he'll go into how much of a pain in the arse that would be for him to remember to turn it on in the morning...he is NOT a morning person...
goddam...
whatever. i'm too tender hearted and he's a machine. just not a real good mix for a breakup like this.
sometimes i wonder if he's just keeping me dependent on him so we can get back together at some point. i mean, he really could make things so much easier on me than he is...that is if he reallllly wanted to be done with me. and there was talk of us reconnecting possibly. i'm just not liking the shit he's pulling right now tho, cuz we're not gonna be together now! let me go now and we'll talk another time!!
he's not a machine. if he were a machine he would make it easy for you to separate from him. since he isn't he's either a) enjoying torturing you or b) entertaining some codependent bullshit or c) wants you back but won't admit it or d) exacting revenge for all your transgressions.
for your purposes it's actually irrelevant. just get pissed off about it and figure out a way around his bullshit.
hell offer to pay someone to colo your box... hell it'll fit in my closet for fuck's sakes (okay not really but i'm willing to find it a closet)
awwwww...what a sweetie!! it's really such a non-issue that he's torturing me with...and i would be happy to pay for someone to colo it. it's just a tiny little box (dimensions above). if you seriously can find a shelf or bit of floor for it to reside on, along with a fastish connenction, i will be more than happy to pay someone (i.e. you?) for that kind favor.
my guess is d. one transgression that crossed the line...mind you, not THAT line, but a line nevertheless.
or maybe c...cuz that's how he is...
sheesh!! you're right it matters not...
just need a willing paid colo situation...what a GREAT idea!!
My pal Sass mentioned your colo problem. Let me make a few queries on your behalf. Ill be glad to help if I can.
othercat: hey there! thank you!!
so are you in toronto or thereabouts?
yup, sass and i are walking distance from each other.
what sort of bandwidth needs do you have?
bandwidth just needs to be hi speed of some sort...nothing huge
oh my gosh...i can't believe this craziness will soon be over!!
thanks so much!
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