Starting PXXI Day 12! Reality Bites
i hate reality tv, but i am powerless to turn it off if i happen upon a program while i'm channel surfing. gawd, don't i have better things to do than watch some fucking spoiled rich kids camping out in front of a camera crew (like listening to songs that make me cry over my breakup with sweet blondie?)...or old has-been stars all living in a house together getting all dirty and raunchy? holy shit! models, brady's, flava flav, stupid-azz west coast kids who think they're hot shit, the real world, nyc mom and daughter socialites...oh gawd! i seriously hate reality tv.
actually, i was watching a talk show the other day, Isaac. i know, i know, enough of the jeers already. at least i can say that is the ONLY talk show i watch, and only cuz i have a hard-on for most geeks and punk/indie musicians, and also a little for designers (all kinds), artists, cgi and title dudes ;) etc. and since Isaac falls into that category, i gotta give him props and watch his show when i can. so anyhoo...he had some reality stars on and mentioned that it seems like they fight all the time. they said that they don't but since the cameras are running all the time, if they ever do snap it is sure to be caught on tape and that's what they run on the promos...so basically, all the everyday boring stuff gets edited and cut, and the crazy shiz gets shown like its everyday life for these schmoes.
the point, you ask? good question...ok. so i'm thinking this morning how bad i feel that you've all witnessed my meltdowns because of my breakup...i've been a mess and i've been ok sometimes too. and yet you keep coming back with your friendship and support. i feel like i've made a lot of good blog friends since starting this piece (as in piece o'shite blog). and i'm the same way with a lot of other blogs...i stalk them and usually jump in on the comments the second a post is made (all this while trying to work...so bad...hahaha). and the thing is, like what's found on the cutting room floor in the editing room for those reality tv shows, the same thing is the case with blogs too...they're just self edited. and actually this blog was more meant for me to just have somewhere to cry, somewhere to express my crazy thoughts cuz i fucking miss that kid soooo much still and i just have no idea how to ever get over him. this blog is somewhere to post the songs that move me, remind me of him, us, me with and without him...my music is so huge to help me through this. it's totally a combination of lo-fi real stuff, excellent indie tunes, punk favs, stoner metal and some serious angst tunes. couldn't lift myself up without my music. I wanted to blog what i was listening to so i wouldn't forget later.
I've never been so attached to another human being in all my life. i'm so happy that i met him and was able to really love someone once. and i'm sure he loved me. but gawd i'm sooo fucking broken over how this thing ended and i just wish we could start all over again. either way, i know he'll be ok. he's got family and good friends. i've got good friends, but i'm not sure if i'll ever be ok. that's the hard part. but i have to be ok. i have to go on. i have to make it. there's no editing that part out. i just have to find a way. i guess i blog cuz when i get lost, i can go back to this blog and write it down. from the beginning random visitors have come to tell me either how pathetic i am over being so messed up over this breakup and that i should just get over it, to the incredibly supportive voices lately encouraging me to buck up. i need(ed) all of those comments. i've only deleted the blog spam. i dont want to edit much about dealing with this breakup. i'm just going on. i am scared about getting back into life without him cuz i just completely gave him myself...i let him take care of me. and i've never been taken care of since my dad died. nobody was ever strong enough to take care for me. blondie was. he was/is everything on that imaginary list of what i would ever want in a guy. he was more than i thought i even needed. and now its gone. he's gone. i'm so broken. i just cant express. my heart is shattered. totally destroyed. i will never be over him. and it totally doesn't even matter. he's moving on. i need to fucking grow up already. reality bites...ehhhhh (so much cheesiness along with tears in this blog, it's just gross...heh)
anyway on kinda another note, i'm doing ok with pxxi. i'm just a robot doing what i should do now. no heart. but a fucking lot of tears. i'm gonna rust my hard drive out.
hope you all are doing ok.
The Beginning and The End -- Isis
The Driver -- Stellastarr
New Slang -- The Shins
An Echo In -- The Sea & Cake
I'm Content With Losing -- Underoath
Funeral For A Friend -- All The Rage
actually, i was watching a talk show the other day, Isaac. i know, i know, enough of the jeers already. at least i can say that is the ONLY talk show i watch, and only cuz i have a hard-on for most geeks and punk/indie musicians, and also a little for designers (all kinds), artists, cgi and title dudes ;) etc. and since Isaac falls into that category, i gotta give him props and watch his show when i can. so anyhoo...he had some reality stars on and mentioned that it seems like they fight all the time. they said that they don't but since the cameras are running all the time, if they ever do snap it is sure to be caught on tape and that's what they run on the promos...so basically, all the everyday boring stuff gets edited and cut, and the crazy shiz gets shown like its everyday life for these schmoes.
the point, you ask? good question...ok. so i'm thinking this morning how bad i feel that you've all witnessed my meltdowns because of my breakup...i've been a mess and i've been ok sometimes too. and yet you keep coming back with your friendship and support. i feel like i've made a lot of good blog friends since starting this piece (as in piece o'shite blog). and i'm the same way with a lot of other blogs...i stalk them and usually jump in on the comments the second a post is made (all this while trying to work...so bad...hahaha). and the thing is, like what's found on the cutting room floor in the editing room for those reality tv shows, the same thing is the case with blogs too...they're just self edited. and actually this blog was more meant for me to just have somewhere to cry, somewhere to express my crazy thoughts cuz i fucking miss that kid soooo much still and i just have no idea how to ever get over him. this blog is somewhere to post the songs that move me, remind me of him, us, me with and without him...my music is so huge to help me through this. it's totally a combination of lo-fi real stuff, excellent indie tunes, punk favs, stoner metal and some serious angst tunes. couldn't lift myself up without my music. I wanted to blog what i was listening to so i wouldn't forget later.
I've never been so attached to another human being in all my life. i'm so happy that i met him and was able to really love someone once. and i'm sure he loved me. but gawd i'm sooo fucking broken over how this thing ended and i just wish we could start all over again. either way, i know he'll be ok. he's got family and good friends. i've got good friends, but i'm not sure if i'll ever be ok. that's the hard part. but i have to be ok. i have to go on. i have to make it. there's no editing that part out. i just have to find a way. i guess i blog cuz when i get lost, i can go back to this blog and write it down. from the beginning random visitors have come to tell me either how pathetic i am over being so messed up over this breakup and that i should just get over it, to the incredibly supportive voices lately encouraging me to buck up. i need(ed) all of those comments. i've only deleted the blog spam. i dont want to edit much about dealing with this breakup. i'm just going on. i am scared about getting back into life without him cuz i just completely gave him myself...i let him take care of me. and i've never been taken care of since my dad died. nobody was ever strong enough to take care for me. blondie was. he was/is everything on that imaginary list of what i would ever want in a guy. he was more than i thought i even needed. and now its gone. he's gone. i'm so broken. i just cant express. my heart is shattered. totally destroyed. i will never be over him. and it totally doesn't even matter. he's moving on. i need to fucking grow up already. reality bites...ehhhhh (so much cheesiness along with tears in this blog, it's just gross...heh)
anyway on kinda another note, i'm doing ok with pxxi. i'm just a robot doing what i should do now. no heart. but a fucking lot of tears. i'm gonna rust my hard drive out.
hope you all are doing ok.
The Beginning and The End -- Isis
The Driver -- Stellastarr
New Slang -- The Shins
An Echo In -- The Sea & Cake
I'm Content With Losing -- Underoath
Funeral For A Friend -- All The Rage
posted by Jenn at 7:41:00 AM
9 Comments:
Dearest Jen:
From what I can tell, your not a robot. Contrary to what movies such as Bicentennial Man, and AI: Artificial Intelligence, robots don't self-actualise. They have no desire or need to become better. And it's not because they don't have a heart, but rather a soul. You however, definitely have a soul. You pour your heart & soul into that which you write. It is the stem of creativity. The point I'm trying to make is that you're not a robot. You do have a heart, and that's why we're all here rootin' for ya and willing to dry up any tears that fall.
*BIG HUGS*
~Kevin
PS. I'm so proud of you.
awwww Kevin...why did i not meet you when i was in guelph? you have such a kind, loving heart. i'm sure we would have been friends in real life too. thank you so much for believing in me...that's more than i can say for myself yet...but i'm trying. i know you're going thru really hard stuff right now too. thank you so much for your support and friendship. you're my hero.
AND CARO!! WHERE ARE YOU??
Hey Jenn,
I personally think there's more than one person out there. Other than for my own good (since I don't want to have messed my ONE up), I actually think maybe people don't come perfect. We work to become perfect FOR EACH OTHER. And because of that, there can be more. I'm not sure if I can ever convince you... but I believe that you still have someone out there that can make you feel taken care of.
Now... whether you need it or not... that's up to you. You're so strong, Jenn! You're totally going to be OK without a guy to take care of you! To all of us here, you're already special. =)
Stay that way.
i'm back! sorry for the blog address change. but you found me, so we're all good.
jenn, i know i probably sound like a broken record, but your honesty through this process is helping you a ton. not once have you tried to hide a feeling, and i know you may not see it now, but you'll totally appreciate that later (when you're not revisiting this stuff). hell, i appreciate it NOW. we all do.
i'm on day 24 of no contact, and 2 months after the breakup, and i'm JUST NOW starting to really come to terms with it all. i feel like all this time before i was just "waiting." i don't know what i was waiting for--me to find a replacement (in work or a new hobby)? him to call me? him to come running to my door with flowers saying that he had made a huge mistake? do i sound crazy, or what?
none of this is easy. embrace that. just stay honest, and i PROMISE you'll be fine. better than fine. there will be a day where this pain will feel so far away. but it's all still really raw.
yesterday i was talking to a friend and told her that when i'm "down" it feels like SO MUCH time has passed. but when i'm ok (focusing on myself), it feels like it was just yesterday. ahh, the tricks our minds play.
If this counts for anything..
Reading this has helped get me thru some rough times this week.
I'm 3 weeks into a break and I guess on day 1 of the no contact ritual.
Thanks for sharing.
m...thanks for your kind words...sounds like things are going full speed crazy for you. gosh, i think your decision to start off the year with goals driven by the mind, not the heart is a good thing for all of us. hang in there. we're all behind you.
pb...very interesting thought. it makes sense that theres more than ONE. not sure tho...its encouraging...but i'm not sure. and yeah, i can take care of myself...i'm just sad that blondie is not the caretaker of my heart anymore. sigh...oh well. AND you are the sweetest girl ever. you're such a cheerleader for the whole group, and gosh we all need that now. i hope school is going ok for you...dang i wish i were there to help you thru the sticky times...you've been here for me so much. i'm there with you in spirit cuz i know you can make it thru this.
caro...you don't sound crazy at all...just reading thru that made my cry again cuz it's how i feel. he just made a mistake in letting me go and i'm just waiting for him to realize that. whatever...lifelong wait.
but yeah i've dumped here big time...i dunno what else to do. this is the hardest thing i've had to deal with. i was just soooo sure we would be together for the rest of our lives. i invested my whole heart in this and now somehow i have to go back to being on my own. i hate it. i miss him. and i'm a mess. but i gotta pull my shit together, and seeing how you have gives me so much hope. you're not that far ahead that you've forgotten the pain, but you're not so close that it hurts really bad still. you're at that point that i can see how much help pxxi is and will be for all of us doing this. i'm so glad you found the blog. what would we do without you...thank you.
p.s. i'm so glad i found your blog again...was sad to think you were gone.
Altdotweb...thanks so much for stopping by. i'm glad this little shite blog is helping you out a bit. if nothing else, you can rag here and we'll all understand and try to pick you up. and if you're starting pxxi, feel free to give updates of how you're doing. i think the updates have gone a long way in helping us keep up the no contact thing. it's only 3 weeks but feels like a fucking eternity...until you realize other people are doing this with you.
noticed you are a sagittarius...
seems us sagittarians have been having a bit of bad luck in the love dept the last few weeks...gosh, things have got to start looking up soon.
know what's funny? my uncle's into all that astrology stuff, and he told me that starting on nov. 7, mercury went into retrograde in sagittarius. that meant that communication (person-to-person, computers, transportation) in general was just "off" for all people, but especially sags. i freaked out a bit because that was dangerously close to "breakup" day. the retrograde ended on dec. 21, but the shadow still lingers or something like that. i'm so not into that stuff. and i'm still not. it's just the kind of stuff i had to hold on to early on--knowing that there were forces working here that were beyond my control...beyond my understanding. the same forces that brought me to him, has brought us apart. AND THAT'S OKAY. new favorite quote: "we can't control what life deals us, just how we respond to it."
nice
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