1/04/2006

Blasted Barbados

Shoot...i just remembered that blondie is being sent to barbados for a week as his reward for good work at his job...dang. sometime this month he said.

That's gonna suck...another week with him gone. no contact by force, not choice....

Like why should this even matter to me after successfully doing pxxi for 2 weeks already? it totally shouldn't matter at all...but somehow it completely does.

Everytime i think i'm over this breakup, something else comes up. gosh...

not sure if i'm gonna be able to keep him blocked...dont think i'll talk to him right away, but i certainly want to before he leaves. i'll wait to see if he posts something on his blog about leaving before i say anything...i guess.

fuck. i miss that kid so much.

12 Comments:

Blogger PinkBunny said...

Hey Jenn... you said this a while ago:

I'm starting to realize that keeping a 'friendship' with blondie has been a painful exercise of continually tearing out the sutures helping to heal my broken heart.

I was just scrolling and came across this. This is very true. I feel like most of the work I put into patching myself up started loosening as soon as I talked to my ex again. I'm back to being sad again.

That's why I don't think you should talk to him, whether he goes to Barbados or not. I don't think it'll help. You already know he's going, so just leave it at that. If he msgs you to tell you he's going, you'll be overjoyed but confused, because you still care about him and any thought he gives you will pretty much mess up PXXI. This also goes for the scenario where you msg him and he's nice. On the other hand, if he's not nice, it's cryfest all over again.

I understand that most of the time you just want to be close to him. Maybe not get him back, but still be a part of his life. And missing him is inevitable. When I'm the person wanting to communicate with my ex, it's nearly impossible to keep my head clear. I still fall into the routine where I panic if he comes online, and then panic some more when he doesn't msg me.

So... having said that, maybe I'm not the best person for advice on handling these situations. But, I know from recent experience that talking as friends really messes things up, especially if the feelings are still there. For me it's unavoidable, but you have the choice of avoiding this!

I think he's not over you yet either, but guys are better at not displaying sadness. Maybe just let time heal things a bit more, in case either of you gets hurt again?

1/04/2006 02:50:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

ohhhh pb...i know you're so right. i'm sitting here sobbing cuz i don't want to make things worse.

its so hard. i thought i was over this.

1/04/2006 03:04:00 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

YES to pb and robert. i think an extension is a great idea. just think of kick ass it'll feel to be able to say, "not only did i finish pxxi, but i surpassed it." this is all about making YOU get to where YOU need to be. i've told myself that as soon as i don't get that funny feeling (those butterflies, the hurt, the "i still care about him!" or even "i just feel so bad for him."), THEN i can call him. but i've recognized that i'm far from that. and besides, i want him to miss me. it's not a game, it's about you finding a way to stand up straight again. i think pxxi gives us a little taste of that, and you've done such a great job with it. keep it up! you ARE better.

1/04/2006 03:26:00 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

one more thing:
21 days breaks a habit, it doesn't fix a broken heart.
we're here for you!

1/04/2006 03:28:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

oh my gosh you guys....i'm sitting here totally heaving sobs...this barbados thing is so hard for me cuz we were both gonna take jobs there even tho we both hate the heat (i know, we're a couple of fucking geeks that only like the light of the monitor shining blue on our faces). after i had to leave canada, he decided not to take the job in barbados but still stayed with the company (whose main office is in Ontario), and they are sending him and his team there to stay in their villa in barbados for a week cuz he does kick ass work and has made the company big $$$$$$$.

he hates it there, but i guess i'm a little jealous/insecure cuz that's where so many beautiful people go, and he's considered hot shit there because he's with this company. i just don't want him to find some dark, beautiful island girl to steal his heart, and he's a pasty white bitch, but he is absolutely beautiful...breathtaking...oh gawd...

sniff...

1/04/2006 03:49:00 PM  
Blogger PinkBunny said...

It's natural to be insecure, Jenn. But... think of it this way: If he is the type to totally move on to another girl so soon, he's not worth your tears.

You write about him like he's a really nice guy, so I don't think he would do that.

I used to cry about having future holiday plans ruined, and I had one friend mock me and go, "ooooo we wanted kids! oooo we were going to go here for our honeymoon~" I hated that friend on the spot, but now it's sunken in more. Nothing in life goes exactly the way we want to. We can only cope with our losses and find better futures.

I'm in a similar situation since my ex and I planned to move to LA together to work. That date hasn't come yet, so I'm not sad over it yet... but I can imagine the type of disappointment you're going through.

Jenn... make it all about you! Good for him if he's a hotshot over there. You can be happy for him, but don't think too much about it. Our focus is you. You are very inspiring!

1/04/2006 04:23:00 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

your mind is playing tricks on you! when you start envisioning blondie with some beautiful woman from barbados, those are tricks! if he hates barbados, the truth is that he'll probably sit inside the villa all day watching tv. but in the end, no one ever really knows. i think it's natural for us to think of the worst case scenario as a means to prepare ourselves for it. but the chances of that happening are pretty much nonexistant. talk yourself out of those thoughts! they're not helping you, so you've GOT to get them out somehow.
i know it's tough to have a clear head with all these emotions running through your body. it's normal to cry it out. it's normal to be pissed. it's all normal. just acknowledge it and move on. "i'm pissed about this barbados thing, but so what? what can i do? i think i'm going to a yoga class instead." we heart yoga.

1/04/2006 04:59:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

discom...you have me laughing thru my tears...you nut...thank you.

pb...you are such a rock. so much clarity. and i know you're going thru almost the same kind of pain. i guess thats why you know exactly what to say. you are not going to let me fail, are you? thank you.

caro...sigh. sobering comments...very heavy...i dont know how to express how glad i am to have you here contributing your experience. you are the model of what to do with pxxi. you've surpassed pxxi and consciously express why you are doing this. you have no idea how much i need that. seriously, you are my hero. thank you.

robert...you've been around from the beginning...talked to me for hours while trying to understand just what the fuck i'm saying thru the sobbing. you've always been the one to dry my tears and have been there during the bad times. thank you my friend.

guys, i just have to say that i'm gonna try to do this. i unblocked him a few hours ago, and he just logged on. my heart beat so hard when i saw him log on that it was literally painful...i'm going to try to unblock him. i'll try to do this...jeezus. so ridiculous.

thank you all...much love.

1/04/2006 05:05:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

i'll try to block him again...not unblock him...lol. see! i'm a fucking mess...dammit. i know i was getting better too.

sigh...

1/04/2006 05:13:00 PM  
Blogger Caro said...

i am where i am (still with weak moments, with a few moments of clarity, and moving on) because of the things i've leaned on to build myself back up--your blog included. thank YOU.

1/04/2006 05:34:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I had to delete her from my buddy list and phone. It's easier to deal if I know her as a memory and not as ghost.

Pxxi doesn't truly start until you do the same. It's a horrible reality, but it seems to be the truth.

He can't miss you until you are gone.

This group inspires me to make it. Hope it does the same for you.

1/04/2006 08:04:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

alt: "He can't miss you until you are gone." touche...

everyone: thanks for shutting off the crazy salt shower i've been giving myself today from all these god forsaken tears...sheesh

1/04/2006 09:18:00 PM  

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