2/01/2006

You think so loud it hurts my ears...I want to know how to get through this without choking up. I can't feel you

blondie, you're so far away...

almost 2 years ago, that phrase 'you're so far away' started our whole little 'thing'. we had spent a week together with a friend at a conference in toronto, and we completely clicked there. when we got back to the states and were staying at this friends house a day before our flights back to our own states, we were crashed out in our friend's living room. blondie took the recliner, and i had the futon. as i was laying there thinking of our time in toronto, and how our beds there were right next to each other, and how we were going home the next day and might not see each other for a very long time, i just said 'blondie, you're so far away', and he came over and slept next to me. and that was it. he had me.

but damn...that's a sweet memory...but it's only a memory now. and one that i need to lock away and not think about again for a very long time. cuz he is so far away now, but he's not coming to where i am to be near me.

I HAVE GOT TO GET OVER HIM!!!

i'm doing all the right stuff on the outside. i'm working more, i'm moving to a new place with absolutely no reminders of him. i'm working on my business. i'm taking care of myself physically. i'm even doing the post-breakup makeover (that kinda started cuz i haven't gotten to a salon in a very long time, but its looking kinda cute, and i'm gonna finally get to a salon and complete the transformation). so its all working on the outside.

i guess some things are working on the inside too cuz when i talk about him now, i actually don't break down in tears. that was the stupidest and longest phase ever, but my heart was, i can't even express, it was just broken and bleeding and there was just nowhere for my emotions to go. my heart could not contain them because it was in pieces. and now it looks like it is healing itself a little.

so how do i get past this phase i'm in now? i spend my nites dreaming about him. and every spare second i have where i'm not directly involved in doing work, he rushes into my head. i want control over this. i wanna think of him when i want to think of him. i'm sick of being at the mercy of my emotions. i wrote some words about that a few months ago right after our breakup. but how do i get over someone who was, imo, the one for me? i dated richer guys, cuter guys, funner guys, more popular guys, more affectionate guys...i dont think i have any delusions of thinking he is perfect. his flaws are out there for me to see. and even with that, he was the guy that i had been with for almost the longest time (there was another guy i was with longer). i was with him for so long and was ready to go to the next level, and then all of this other shit comes up and he breaks up with me. AAARRRGGGGHHHH! I MUST STOP!

ok...so i'm doing all the right stuff outside. my feelings have to follow at some point.

i've got numerous projects due today, so this meltdown must stop right now. it's totally good for me to have so much work, cuz that seems to be the only thing that consumes my mind enough for me to have some control over this.

this heartbreak insanity is awesome. i wouldn't wish this shite on my worse enemy. i'm so hurt and want him back.

but i just have to live like i dont give a fuck and i'm just happy being without him.


i'm content with losing -- underoath

7 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

In 5 years, none of this will matter.

Play thru the pain and set a plan to win. It will all fall into place if you let it.

I'll toast your success with you 5 years down the road.


-holla

2/01/2006 03:07:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

z: you are such a sweetie. and yeah reading that makes me so hopeful. we WILL be ok....dammit!

but alt: 5 years?!?!?! FIVE.YEARS!?!?!?! dude, this may be the main cause for my biz not doing better, but i cannot look beyond my nose. seriously. i can plan out the next 12 months of my life...maybe 15. acutally, 15 months is pushing it, and it will prolly not happen. that's not even a year and a half. i have NO IDEA what will be in the next 5 years...i can only look back. cannot look that far forward.

maybe i need some new friends that will help me be more forward-looking. so if you stick around, then we'll have that toast...in 5 years.

(holy hell...5 years??!?!?!)

lol

{remembering that i could see myself with blondie in 5 years...easy. the only time i really could look that far ahead. GOD.DAMMIT!!!}

2/01/2006 04:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We can do intermediate toasts.

Jaeger -vs- Grey Goose

Pencil me in..

5 years is a long time, but time flies when you are busy getting busy. Take one step at a time each step gets easier. It's cliche, but it's true.

Dr. Phil at your service.

Since I'm sticking around, the first round is on you.

Deal?

2/01/2006 04:29:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

alt: that is the biggest committment i've gotten from ANYONE!! hahaha

meet me in boston or portland in march...we will have this jaeger - vs. - grey goose test. definitely on me. i'll even treat you to a breakfast of waffles or pancakes, or whatever mainers eat, along with their famous maple syrup.

we'll do this at least once a year...(5 freaking years?!?!)

btw...this is an open invitation for whoever wants to come. but you have to come see me. i can't travel right yet...too poor from needing to buy new shit for my place; a new wardrobe, etc. :(

2/01/2006 04:38:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That is an invite that is too good to refuse. Do I need to choose between March or next march?

=)

2/01/2006 07:56:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

pretty much
;)

2/01/2006 08:01:00 PM  
Blogger Lance said...

Its going to be a long road. I'm afraid that Maine will be a big adjustment as well for you. But, when you look back a couple of years from now. You'll be so happy that you did move and start anew. Life is full of growing pains and when the heart suffers them, it is perhaps the most painful. I know it feels like the heart is missing right now. Like someone surgically removed it while you were sleeping. It's all hard to breath and your ribs feel collapsed. But it isn't gone. It's just getting ready to grow. Keep writing it out. Your doing everything you need to right now.

2/02/2006 03:35:00 PM  

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