Over It
so...i wake up this morning, stumble into the bathroom, and as usual, remember my time together with blondie. and (not for the first time), i accepted the fact that we did break up. this time, it actually didn't hurt.
this time, i realized, more than intellectually, but completely emotionally, that i can live without blondie and be happy without him as my guy. i also got that i really may never be over him in the sense of connecting on that many levels with a person so completely. he was MY One. i've heard all the arguments on there not really being just one love for somebody, but i recognized that he was the one within hours of getting to know him...and then after a year and a half of being his, and almost 2 years of knowing him, i know that it is true. he is The One for me. he didn't have to adjust to me, and i didn't have to adjust to him. when i met him, he was just perfect...flaws and all.
but after we had this bit of outside trouble, he will not be mine.
the thought is making it hard to swallow, i have this huge knot in my throat, i almost can't breathe, and the tears are monsooning from my eyes.
yet i am over it.
we've been emailing about a few things completely unrelated to our relationship or moving my shit back from canada. and this morning i had more news to share with him about our email subject, so i told him about that...about another wild dream i had about him...ok, so in the dream, we were with friends, out in the boonies for some crazy reason, and we were just hanging out. anyway so this group of people come over to talk to us, and after a while, they all of a sudden surround blondie and kidnap him! so me and all my other friends go running after them, but they had guns and a car, and we were on foot, no car for some reason. and because we were out in the rurals, our cell phones wouldn't work. so we ran after this car, some of us took shortcuts and we just tried for so long to find him. finally everyone in the group said they were tired, it was getting dark and they just wanted to go play video games and said blondie would be ok. i was livid--i mean RED HOT PISSED to say the least. so i just left them and looked for blondie myself. finally the next morning i found him, and he was with only one of the captors. so i got his attention and he noticed me. we were doing some silent communication with our eyes, he just understood that he was to run when i gave him the signal. so when his captor was not paying attention, he ran, we ran...and then all of the kidnappers came out and started chasing us saying they were going to kill us.
then i woke up.
so in that email i also tell him about that crazy dream. and then i kinda explained to him about the whole friends thing. i didn't tell him this, but i think one of the reasons it failed so miserably before is because i didn't really want things to change. i wanted him to still love me and basically keep kind of a long distance thing with me. i always felt so dissed when things didn't go right, and i always told him that i felt dissed...which might have been ok, but then i would also go into my life story and try to make him see how much i loved him and how he should take me back.
of course, after that he would avoid me. i would chase. the whole thing would start over and it has been ridiculously exhausting.
i don't want that anymore. and i know he doesn't want me like that anymore. but i know he still likes me. so i told him that i would be his friend forever even when he fell in love with a new little trick. and i would even go to his wedding if he invited me. it's just so rare to find a person who you connect with on so many levels, and our relationship was strongly based on our friendship and common interests from the beginning anyway, not a sexual vibe, like a lot of bf/gf relationships are.
i'm over it. i just wish i didn't still feel like throwing up. i guess i'll get over that too. i'm just not gonna live in the past anymore.
Songs on my playa during this corner turning post:
Loose Translation -- New Pornographers
Get Real -- Hockey Night
Fall On Every Whim -- Longwave
Window -- Joy Zipper
Wrong Side -- French Kicks
this time, i realized, more than intellectually, but completely emotionally, that i can live without blondie and be happy without him as my guy. i also got that i really may never be over him in the sense of connecting on that many levels with a person so completely. he was MY One. i've heard all the arguments on there not really being just one love for somebody, but i recognized that he was the one within hours of getting to know him...and then after a year and a half of being his, and almost 2 years of knowing him, i know that it is true. he is The One for me. he didn't have to adjust to me, and i didn't have to adjust to him. when i met him, he was just perfect...flaws and all.
but after we had this bit of outside trouble, he will not be mine.
the thought is making it hard to swallow, i have this huge knot in my throat, i almost can't breathe, and the tears are monsooning from my eyes.
yet i am over it.
we've been emailing about a few things completely unrelated to our relationship or moving my shit back from canada. and this morning i had more news to share with him about our email subject, so i told him about that...about another wild dream i had about him...ok, so in the dream, we were with friends, out in the boonies for some crazy reason, and we were just hanging out. anyway so this group of people come over to talk to us, and after a while, they all of a sudden surround blondie and kidnap him! so me and all my other friends go running after them, but they had guns and a car, and we were on foot, no car for some reason. and because we were out in the rurals, our cell phones wouldn't work. so we ran after this car, some of us took shortcuts and we just tried for so long to find him. finally everyone in the group said they were tired, it was getting dark and they just wanted to go play video games and said blondie would be ok. i was livid--i mean RED HOT PISSED to say the least. so i just left them and looked for blondie myself. finally the next morning i found him, and he was with only one of the captors. so i got his attention and he noticed me. we were doing some silent communication with our eyes, he just understood that he was to run when i gave him the signal. so when his captor was not paying attention, he ran, we ran...and then all of the kidnappers came out and started chasing us saying they were going to kill us.
then i woke up.
so in that email i also tell him about that crazy dream. and then i kinda explained to him about the whole friends thing. i didn't tell him this, but i think one of the reasons it failed so miserably before is because i didn't really want things to change. i wanted him to still love me and basically keep kind of a long distance thing with me. i always felt so dissed when things didn't go right, and i always told him that i felt dissed...which might have been ok, but then i would also go into my life story and try to make him see how much i loved him and how he should take me back.
of course, after that he would avoid me. i would chase. the whole thing would start over and it has been ridiculously exhausting.
i don't want that anymore. and i know he doesn't want me like that anymore. but i know he still likes me. so i told him that i would be his friend forever even when he fell in love with a new little trick. and i would even go to his wedding if he invited me. it's just so rare to find a person who you connect with on so many levels, and our relationship was strongly based on our friendship and common interests from the beginning anyway, not a sexual vibe, like a lot of bf/gf relationships are.
i'm over it. i just wish i didn't still feel like throwing up. i guess i'll get over that too. i'm just not gonna live in the past anymore.
Songs on my playa during this corner turning post:
Loose Translation -- New Pornographers
Get Real -- Hockey Night
Fall On Every Whim -- Longwave
Window -- Joy Zipper
Wrong Side -- French Kicks
posted by Jenn at 10:06:00 AM
5 Comments:
From my experience, gut rot means you want like hell to be over it but its not quite there. I found it very useful to sever all ties. That really accelerated the process. That and not realizing the relationship was over years before she'd ever admit it to me.
Best of luck dude, I've been there.
thanks hubris...it all just sucks. i want it all to be over, and at the same time...bah nevermind. it just sucks. but its so encouraging to see your progress...i'm right behind you.
and i'm behind you :-)
I'm behind you both and the view is awesome.
You can take that whatever way you like.
pz
alt: hahahahahaah....oh man ROTFLMAO...snicker
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