1/23/2006

Walking away

for the past week, i've jumped head-first into more work than i can handle...anything to keep my mind off blondie.

i would like to say that it works, but there's always those times when i just can't work anymore. i'm hammered. i crash...and there he is, in my dreams. i totally never remember my dreams...til he totally knifed my heart and left me bleeding last week. that started this lucid dream stupidity.

the last dream i had was me having his parents over for dinner. seriously. i've never actually seen his parents or grandparents face to face, but i've seen pics...in my dreams, they were totally the same as in the pics. blondie was there, and we were still broken up...his family still came to my place for dinner. in the dream, it was less weird than i thot it would be. blondie didn't even act like we were broken up.

one dream was me seeing blondie with a new hipster trick. he seemed happy and i was happy for them. EEP!!! gawd...when i think of that dream now, i feel like throwing up.

sigh...fucking dreams

i should be, and i dunno, maybe i am totally on my way to getting over him...but it just feels like i'm going to be dead inside forever. i'll look fine on the outside...flirt like i do...but never, ever love again. did i misunderstand what we had going? when i told him i wanted to go to the next step but didn't actually define what that next step was, did that mean to him that we were still just playing? when i moved to canada to be with him, at his request, did that not mean anything at all? when i spent all of my spare time with him, and never left him unless i had to, did that not mean anything? it was so easy for him to let me go when a problem came up...he fucking cut my heart out and left me for dead...and he feels so right in doing that. he's not. he's fucking not right. guess it really doesn't matter cuz i have no heart to hurt again.

that's allright. i loved you with all of my heart blondie. it ends with you. but whatever. i'm still alive...i'll survive ('i will survive' by beck playing in my head)

i'm having a day today...just back to the tears...stupid shit. but whatever. feeling lame enough today to post some song lyrics...i know...fuck me cuz i'm lamerz...but whatever...everyone can just go fuck off today. it's my goddam blog. best part about these lyrics, is that they're by ben...hmmm..whatever his name is. see? i don't even listen to the dude...harper! that's it...but a blog friend sent me this tune, and the lyrics fucking rip my heart out...what's left of it.

Walk Away


Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.


i believe in karma...but sometimes bad things happen to good people that i don't understand. i'm caught up in this now. and i guess what gets me thru is that i have always been a good person, even tho blondie doesn't think so. guess that doesn't even matter. and all i know is that this time next year, i'll be past this crying shit, be on my feet...in my own place...with or without my shit from canada. and none of this will matter to the people in my life then. maybe i'll decide then to start going out again...but won't feel bad if i am not ready. i'm just on the last dying breaths of caring anymore...and i'm just gonna get thru this while not turning completely square and hateful any way i can. oh well...i am strong now. done with this curse called love.

old skool playing on loop:

New Order (Vicious Streak & Someone Like You Getting More Play than the rest)

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

So do I still get my postcard?

1/23/2006 05:27:00 PM  
Blogger Jenn said...

hahaha...you nut!
of course you do.

1/23/2006 06:16:00 PM  
Blogger sassinak said...

you know the one thing about hearts that everyone underestimates?

they heal if you let them.

1/23/2006 06:23:00 PM  

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