7/14/2008

I Thought I Was Gonna Die of Loneliness

Hi. I'm still here. I know it's been forever since I've posted - again! And it's mostly because I have been so flipping lonely and it's been hard to keep writing the same whiney "i miss my ex-boyfriend so bad/it hurts so much/i'm gonna go crazy without him" emo drivel that i just gave it a rest.

And...and...well...i have to say PXXI worked!!! But i'm kind of a slow learner and it took more like 21 months instead of 21 days, but that shit finally worked. hahaha

So that means i'm dating again. dating guys that are worth my time. what a fucking loooong road. i seriously thought i was gonna die of loneliness in the process.

when i tried to break this crazy dry spell, i first went out with a guy i met on twitter. he was/is the lamest, most self-centered, not-even-hot guy i've met in a long time. he was only attractive to me at first cuz i met him on twitter (hahaha). so my immediate thought is that he's 1337, even if he's not hella hot i'm def more attracted to geeks than to pretty boys. but dude was neither! he was just on twitter cuz he wanted to meet more people. geezus. that tells you something right there. this kid has only lived in this god-forsaken city his whole life, and he needs to jump on twitter anonomously to make more friends?!?! ack!! that little dating episode lasted about a month. an agonizing month. he did a lot of hottie posturing he clearly must have learned from some trendy men's magazine. like for instance, i was at his place one nite and it was chilly so i asked him if he had a jacket i could borrow. well, for reasons only my body knows, we made out later that nite, and i took his jacket home and was gonna return it the next time we saw each other. but i kept forgetting to return that fucking jacket everytime. and i felt bad about always forgetting it cuz the more i saw him the more i realized he is NOT THE ONE. dude is going to school to be an architect, but he is not smart. trying to have a riveting conversation with dude is like trying to have a riveting conversation with my puppy. he keeps himself entertained with stories of how he and his mom and dad sit on their porch and make fun of people...holy shit. that's the one thing that makes him more excited than anything else i heard him talk about ever. dude is a small town hick who thinks he's hot shit for reasons i really cannot comprehend. he's only average looking, so i don't get his mad delusions of hotness at all. if i hadn't met him on twitter i would never have given him the time of day. gotta love the beautiful wrapper our online personas wrap us up in. but anyway, he kept suggesting that i was forgetting the jacket on purpose so i could see him again. FUUUUUUK NO!!! by that time i wanted that jacket and all remnants of him out of my house, car and life. he's a fucking Lame. so after i got so pissed at him telling me over and over that i really wanted to have more of him in my life & that's why i kept forgetting to give him back his jacket, i went to his place at a time when i knew he wasn't going to be there, left his jacket on his back porch and texted him that i wouldn't be seeing him anymore...he, of course, wanted to know why...so i made up some kinder excuse other than the harsh truth that i think he's a dim-witted, small town podunk who erroneously thinks he is hot shit and i can no longer stomach that stupidity. yeah, i'm totally hating. not really tho, i wish him the best.


i dated a little more after him, but dude drove me so nutz with his hottie posturing, that i think he deserves a paragraph on my blog for the kind of guys not to date. but i dunno, i went to dinner or lunch with different guys, never much more than that.

i had a pseudo crush on a co-worker...only because everyone thought we were together, when that thought hadn't even crossed our minds - we were just the only single people in the office so we hung out. and that crush lasted for about a month. but nothing ever came of it and it died away nicely. (i like that - no drama. i got to enjoy the view from across my cubicle while i was crushing, and we hung out a couple of times, but mostly just work. that was alright.)

then 3 other guys started talking to me - all about the same time. i am still talking to 1 of them regularly who happens to be a hardcore geek. another one is a tasty pretty boi working in an ad agency, but he is soooo aggressive that i've lost a little interest. but my social calendar is pretty much filled all the time now.

i dunno if i'm really cut out for the traditional-type relationship anymore. i'm so flawed and ridiculous that it would take a pretty open-hearted guy to put up with all i bring to a serious relationship. the casual type of relationship is great. but serious...meh. i dunno. i'm just hella glad i'm finally feeling like i'm getting over this breakup. i cannot believe how long it took for me. and secretly, i feel like i'll never be fully over it, but it's at least not ruling my everyday anymore. that feels like freedom to me.

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