“It’s Only After We’ve Lost Everything That We’re Free To Do Anything”

Uncle already. I surrender. I lost the love of my life. I lost my ability to love, or maybe to be loved, because breaking up with Blondie destroyed me. 

Actually, I'm over it. Have been for a really long time. But this morning I woke up remembering that his sister is getting married today. Getting married to the same guy she started dating a few months before Blondie and I started dating. I'm so happy for them. 

Why does their marriage make me so emo again? First off, I woke up remembering they were getting married. I dreamed about Blondie last nite. I dreamed about things being the way they used to be. And that included seeing his sister and her fiance often. So coming out of that dream to the reality that I'm no longer with Blondie, and his sister is today getting married is bittersweet. 

I've gone briefly into stalker mode and checked out flickr pics of Blondie. He looks good. He looks happy. And I check out his blog 3-4 times a year. Not often at all. I'm kinda over making myself suffer over him. But he was a very important person in my life. I'll probably always retain some sort of curiosity about how he's doing.

If you've read this blog long enough, you know that I lost myself when Blondie broke up with me. All this time later, it seems absolutely silly to even admit that. I'm pretty embarrassed about the complete emo drivel on this piece of shit blog. But then again, whatever. Its just a blog. Its just a breakup. 

I guess what sucks is that I let myself lose so much more than just a relationship. And now my net is ripped open, and its just about me. What am I going to do with myself? I'm not sad really. Its just hard to open up when I know I've made it hard for guys to get close to me. I know I try to fit guys I date into Blondie's mold. None of them can compare, and I start getting all complainey about them or back off from them, and then find myself surprised when they decide not to play that game anymore. Thing is, I dont even want to play that game anymore. I'm jumping off that merry-go-round. I'm free. 

What now?

Breakup Spinout

I wonder how long it takes to quit mentally spinning out over a breakup that was only short term to begin with. I can't belive I'm still tripping over this breakup. Its only been 2 days, but I hate it.

He's pretty much dead to me. I deleted all of our emails and text messages. I'm not going to make myself even crazier by going over each word we've written to each other. I've already been though that with Blondie, and it makes for a messed up head, lemme tell ya.

I guess I'm so sad because I wanted to spend more than 3 weeks with the guy...lol. Honestly. 3 months would have been great. And the thing is, I'm not clingy or possessive. I'm model tall and have a good body and am often called beautiful. I am smart, and witty and live in a great place - I only bring these things out to give you some background on me. Basically, for me, getting guys is hella easy. The hard part is keeping them after a few weeks together with them. I'm not sure what goes wrong. This time, I'm fucking sad about not being able to get to know this guy better. The worse part is that the breakup happened over a 3 day period through email and he refused to just tell me he wanted to end it on the phone or face to face. I guess the fact that I allow myself to go through such bullshit is 1 of the reasons I do go throught bullshit like this. But fuck...he just seemed so much better than the rest. I'm tripping over how this went down.