10/29/2005

Losing Family

I guess the hardest thing with breaking up with my b/f is that I feel like he was the only family I had...and now he has rejected me. I am an only child and was adopted and spent time in foster care...I spent much of my time growing up feeling a bit unsettled. I was always a little different than other kids growing up, because they had 'real' parents. I was able to overcome that by being brilliant in school. In fact, that was all that I could do to deal with the weirdness that comes with being raised by parents that did not give birth to me. I was a serious overachiever. Anyway, in romantic relationships throughout the years after college, I became close to guys, but never did have any that I could feel comfortable enough with to feel like they were truly family -- like we had merged our lives/hearts/minds so completely that it felt like we were blood...until blondie. And with this breakup, I am so beyond destroyed...and I dont blame him -- just the inevitable pain that an adult who was passed around as a kid usually has if they are rejected. Everyone feels pain when they are rejected, I just think there is already a weakness when a kid is rejected by their parents...i dunno. I feel like I lost the last of my family when I lost him. Devastatingly sad...

Here's todays stifled writing:


when i contemplate the loss of you
i wonder if the sun will rise again tomorrow

as i endlessly grieve for you
i wonder if i will always feel dead inside

my homesickness for you
is so painful it makes me ill




Songs currently playing: Torches -- Rise Against

-----------------------: Chocky -- Mogwai
-----------------------: Radical Adults Lick Godhead Style -- Sonic Youth

10/28/2005

Does anyone have an answer?

Ok, this is another assinine, lovesick issue I am having...but I'm kinda wondering what to do about it. Ok, well I really do know what to do about it...but it's a short story, and I'll start at the beginning...

So, my ex-bf is on my buddy list, and as you know, we are remaining 'friends' (heh). Anyway, why does my heart continue to wig out when he logs on? I swear, I am just fine all day, and at night when he logs on, I seriously go all wiggy and no matter who I'm talking to, or even if I am working, I can't help but freak out a little. I am a little sick of that...but I don't want to remove him from my buddy list...hells no! So am I destined to just keep wigging out until I either can deal with not being his gf or decide to remove him from my list (not happening)? Ehhhh...this whole breakup thing is exhausting.

Songs currently playing: Never Ending Math Equation -- Modest Mouse
-----------------------: In Fiction -- Isis
-----------------------: Smoke - The Alkaline Trio

Getting On With Life

So yesterday I got a comment from Hate2323 advising me to get on with my life (whaddup with the hating, yo?). After thinking about that comment, I realized that this shitty blog is completely about getting on with my life. I write like I'm totally impaired lately, which gives everything the most depressing tone. But I am totally ok with that. Theres actually a method to my madness.

How many people get out of a relationship, and are either hurt slightly or the other extreme of being completely destroyed, and instead of looking at themselves and figuring out what they did to contribute to the relationship going bad, they just immediately try to forget it (i.e. get on with life)? Like everyone, at least here in the US. When dudes break up with their gf, its customary for their friends to take them out to bars, get them drunk, and find them a hot lay to forget about the 'bitch' they broke up with. It's actually pretty much the same when girls break up too, but we usually spend a few days at home with chick flicks and the only men we know will never abandon us, Ben & Jerry. But after that phase has passed, its out to the bars and back on the dating scene to find a new hottie.

I'm totally not about that cuz I think it contributes to more shitty relationships. People dont like to really deal with their shortcomings...its so much easier to blame other people. But that's not my style. There are people who have done me wrong in my life...like seriously wrong. But that doesn't mean that I'm just going to forget about it and act like it's all in the past and doesn't affect my present. The past totally makes us who we are today, and this breakup and everything surrounding it will affect my life forever. The only way for me to truly get on with my life is to deal with my feelings and what's going on now. So that's one of the things this shitty blog does...it allows me to express whatever I feel and deal with it...it's only been a few weeks since our breakup, and now anything I write sounds like it's from someone who is in the depths of depression, but I'm totally not. Destroyed, yes...but I can't quite call it depressed...just thoughtful.

Songs currently playing: We Looked Like Giants -- Death Cab for Cutie
-----------------------: Stella Was a Diver and She Was Always Down -- Interpol
-----------------------: Company In My Back -- Wilco
-----------------------: No, Not Now -- Hot Hot Heat

I suck at this writing shite...lol

There are times in my life that I am eloquently prolific. Usually in email, though. hahaha. But lately, I cannot seem to break through this terrible experience of feeling bad -- lovesick, brokenhearted and lonely, but being unable to express it profoundly, beautifully and/or heartbreakingly. Everything I write lately sucks arse.

I was wondering if it is because I have a really good outlet for my troubles. My sweet friend Robert has become my best friend in this crazy situation. The best thing about him is that he is not a mutual friend of me and blondie, so there's no weird dual-loyalties. He is just devoted to slapping me if I get too sappy (X times a day), and letting me know that I will get over this. He even went through a very similar situation with his S.O., Alec. I love to hear the story over and over again, from different angles. I'm totally hoping for some sort of resolution in my love story like his. Its like, everytime I hear from blondie, it is like a drug and I'm fine for the rest of the day...fuck, I just cannot articulate the right words for the right thoughts at all. I am stumbling over my words like a geek at a dance club with 2 left feet...hahaha

Allright, I will probably just give it up here...Here are the songs that have played during this painful post.


Songs currently playing: Dynamize -- VHS or Beta
-----------------------: Rich -- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
-----------------------: Anticipation -- Blonde Redhead
-----------------------: Make Up Your Mind -- Orgy (hahaha, yeah Orgy--oh the memories

10/27/2005

Breaking up, broken heart...




Words that express my pain are as hard to find as water during a drought. I cannot seem to find the right words. Here is today's contribution to my futile exercise. bleh...
----

my heart is at the mercy of violent
tugs of feeling,
like the tides
at the mercy of the moon

----
Oh gawd...I think I am starting to not feel anymore...that scares me. It kinda makes me feel untouchable, but it is scary. I almost think that hurt makes us appreciate the sweet things in life, gives us empathy and keeps us from being judgemental. I dunno. I'm lost. I'm lost w/o him.

Songs currently playing: Time to Talk -- Open Hand
----------------------: Oh, Goddammit -- Hot, Hot Heat
----------------------: Hyperspace -- Nada Surf

10/26/2005

SLC

a salt lake. that is what i create
every night
salty tears stream down my cheeks
endlessly grieving for you
every night so many tears
since we've been apart
a great salt lake


Songs currently playing: Reset -- Outkast
-----------------------: Another Innocent Girl -- The Alkaline Trio

10/23/2005

I'll survive without him (i think), but I was a lot happier with him


dark.luminosity






there is a black sun inside me

not bright and cheery
not gloomy and hopeless
but interesting.

not innocent and naive
not guilty and hardened
but tested.

not so bright as to blind
not so dark as to conceal
yet luminous.

suffering an unfair fate
stuck in a container
that keeps my precious life at bay
yet in here is a special beauty
a light that can be seen only in the dark.

Song currently playing: Wake up, Decide -- Karate
----------------------: Voices Off Camera -- Rise Against
----------------------: Autobiography (live) -- Braid

{ Un-poetic expressions }

This is my blog of complete and utter sadness. A series of terrible events led up to a breakup with the love of my life. We had a happy and quiet life together. Nothing spectacular, just sweet. We cooked meals together, shopped together, took long drives together, played together and occasionally worked together. We spent almost all of our free time together. Now we are apart, and I miss him so much. I dont understand any of this. Too much is involved. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him, and now we sit in different countries, barely speaking to each other. I am so broken, numb and destroyed that I can hardly articulate my feelings, so this blog is my attempt to find words...

The pseudo-poetry you read here will be terrible, awful, un-poetic, unstructured. But that is what is coming out right now, so that is what you will find here (all 1 of you reading this blog). An attempt to express...to find words. I feel like I am broken into pieces and cannot make sense of what I feel, so I hope these words can help me find all of the pieces and put them back together again.

I am sad without my guy blondie and hope we can get back together at some time, but i dont want to try to force anything. So the tone of what I write will not be only about the pain of our breakup, but more high level...I'm thinking more about the changes I'm dealing with as a result of our breakup. If we do get back together, I totally want to be the perfect girlfriend, I want to be grounded and not so scared as I was before. So I just have to go through the pain and figure some shit out...that will be the tone of my writing.

Songs currently playing: Somebody That I Used to Know -- Elliott Smith )c:
----------------------: A Hole in The World -- Thursday