Breakup Blog: 01/29/2006

2/04/2006

Why is Blogger down so much lately??

at first i wondered if it was just me...but then i kept getting emails and IMs that readers couldn't access my blog...and i could only inconsistently access other blogger blogs. fuck google. what is the deal with the blogger uptime lately?? goddam. i'm going to get my own domain and post a blog from there since google servers are so wiggy.

Playin now:
stay entertained -- stellastarr*

Fortune Cookie Say...

Only 1 fortune in my fortune cookie tonite:

"Good things are coming to you in due course of time."

Sweet.

2/02/2006

Packing My Bags

so i came here with 3 suitcases...but now i have a whole lot more than that. x-mas, family and friends, amazon and zappos pretty much loaded me up with so much shit, i'm gonna have to face the difficult decision of what things to leave and what to take with me to maine.

good thing is theres not really that much to worry about. just a few bags to pack. then, i leave in a little over a week, i'll fly out to meet up with trev, and we'll head to the east coast.

i'm so scared. but i'm excited. this is the biggest move i've ever made cuz i'm not going there with a best friend or a boyfriend. i do have a friend there that i'll be staying with for the first month till my place gets furnished, and i love the people i will be working with. but this is a huge change for me. i guess after a huge breakup like this, it's prolly the best thing for me. i've got to move on completely. blondie did mention a possibility of us getting back together, but i'm starting to see now that it was more him just being the nice guy that he is. he didn't want to hurt me anymore than i already was hurting. so props to him for that. but i'm not holding out hope anymore. he doesn't contact me at all, so i'm just gonna follow his lead, and move on. (i'll miss going to ikea and your monster shopping trips with you, yo)

and so next week i'm moving to a place i know nothing about. and i'm going to have to buy all new furniture. and get my arse out there and make all new friends to geek it up with. and start having fun again. and find a yoga or pilates studio. and use my paints. and..and...yeah. i'm starting over. it's fucking terrifying. but so the right thing.

wow. this is one of those 'when one door closes, another one opens' moments. amazing how fucking scary it is. absolutely knee-knocking terrifying. but i'm ready for this.

**

on another note. i just want to send an open apology to any of the dudes i've chatted with that i've been a bitch to. i think i've taken out my hurt collectively on all guys. i just want to apologize for that. thank you guys for supporting me thru this. you're amazing.

**

looking at the amazing painting trev did for me. it is a bunny-man standing in front of a background that swirls and moves. the bunny-man doesn't have a normal face like with eyes, nose, ears...but instead he's got the word BREATHE spelled backward on his face. when he would look into a mirror, he would always see that reminder to breathe. that's what i need to remember. just breathe. slow my breathing and my heart. and just do shit that needs to be done and dont be such a scared bunny.

bring it.

so much eclectic good music tonite during this post:
Autorelocator -- At The Drive-In
Dial: Revenge -- Mogwai
Trust Me -- Viva Death
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight -- The Postal Service
Alone in Kyoto -- Air

2/01/2006

Biz Notes

so i'm gonna spend the day in over my head getting projects completed. then for the rest of the week, i have to work on my own biz stuff. and i'm feeling a little uninspired.

but, i found this little snippet of brilliance on guy kawasaki's blog. hehehe, prolly the only whiney-azz broken hearted bitch linking to his blog, but...i love that man.

"Create something worth executing.You're going to get tired of my obsession with great products but pitching, demoing, bootstrapping, and executing are a lot easier if you've created something meaning-full. It's hard to stay motivated and excited about executing crap. It's easy if you're changing the world. So if you and your team are having a hard time executing, maybe you're working on the wrong thing."

so i'm also on a metaphor high today...sass was all metaphorically fluent this morning, and so i'm seeing metaphors in almost everything now. and i'm seeing this whole execution/change the world thing as a metaphor to get out of my funk with this god forsaken breakup too...

but mostly, i gotta get to work, not only on client stuff, but my own after-hours stuff...and this gives the most clarity to why i'm doing this shit with having my own business...it's totally to change the world.

guys i heart for making me focus on my business:
guy kawasaki
tom peters
seth godin

there are more...i just gotta get to work now.

You think so loud it hurts my ears...I want to know how to get through this without choking up. I can't feel you

blondie, you're so far away...

almost 2 years ago, that phrase 'you're so far away' started our whole little 'thing'. we had spent a week together with a friend at a conference in toronto, and we completely clicked there. when we got back to the states and were staying at this friends house a day before our flights back to our own states, we were crashed out in our friend's living room. blondie took the recliner, and i had the futon. as i was laying there thinking of our time in toronto, and how our beds there were right next to each other, and how we were going home the next day and might not see each other for a very long time, i just said 'blondie, you're so far away', and he came over and slept next to me. and that was it. he had me.

but damn...that's a sweet memory...but it's only a memory now. and one that i need to lock away and not think about again for a very long time. cuz he is so far away now, but he's not coming to where i am to be near me.

I HAVE GOT TO GET OVER HIM!!!

i'm doing all the right stuff on the outside. i'm working more, i'm moving to a new place with absolutely no reminders of him. i'm working on my business. i'm taking care of myself physically. i'm even doing the post-breakup makeover (that kinda started cuz i haven't gotten to a salon in a very long time, but its looking kinda cute, and i'm gonna finally get to a salon and complete the transformation). so its all working on the outside.

i guess some things are working on the inside too cuz when i talk about him now, i actually don't break down in tears. that was the stupidest and longest phase ever, but my heart was, i can't even express, it was just broken and bleeding and there was just nowhere for my emotions to go. my heart could not contain them because it was in pieces. and now it looks like it is healing itself a little.

so how do i get past this phase i'm in now? i spend my nites dreaming about him. and every spare second i have where i'm not directly involved in doing work, he rushes into my head. i want control over this. i wanna think of him when i want to think of him. i'm sick of being at the mercy of my emotions. i wrote some words about that a few months ago right after our breakup. but how do i get over someone who was, imo, the one for me? i dated richer guys, cuter guys, funner guys, more popular guys, more affectionate guys...i dont think i have any delusions of thinking he is perfect. his flaws are out there for me to see. and even with that, he was the guy that i had been with for almost the longest time (there was another guy i was with longer). i was with him for so long and was ready to go to the next level, and then all of this other shit comes up and he breaks up with me. AAARRRGGGGHHHH! I MUST STOP!

ok...so i'm doing all the right stuff outside. my feelings have to follow at some point.

i've got numerous projects due today, so this meltdown must stop right now. it's totally good for me to have so much work, cuz that seems to be the only thing that consumes my mind enough for me to have some control over this.

this heartbreak insanity is awesome. i wouldn't wish this shite on my worse enemy. i'm so hurt and want him back.

but i just have to live like i dont give a fuck and i'm just happy being without him.

i'm content with losing -- underoath

1/31/2006

Technorati "Breakups" Royalty

since technorati is now the bane of my happy anonymous bloggy existence, i thot i would hang out with it for a while. actually, technorati hasn't been totally bad to me, it's brought me some good new readers...pathetic souls who get sick pleasure over my breakup misfortunes...and also some good cheerleaders to tell me to snap the fuck out of it.

so looks like Ex from TheExgf Project and BuB (me) are the reigning king and queen of "breakups" at Technorati. like the posts go me, me, ex, ex, me, me, ex, ex...hahahaha, and then some other random blogger. kinda funny...we are royalty.

yet this is not what brought blondie to my blog. what brought him here is some FUCKING OUTDATED CACHE OF MY BLOG on technorati linking to his! aarrrrgghhh!! if not for that silliness, he would have had no interest in some shite breakup blog, even if he had seen it...just not his thing.

bummer thing is that blondie came a few hours before my BIG decision post. thats only a bummer cuz he'll never come back here to see that even tho i will always be sweet over him, i'm done with the rejection and am finafuckingly moving on already.

ho hum

word.

1/30/2006

Busted

one thing i always loved about my little blog was the anonymity. i always felt like there was pretty much no way that blondie would ever happen upon this piece. he doesn't care about the emo shit i write about here. and i take pretty great pains to keep this blog available only to people who are interested in the subject matter.

but...last nite the impossible happened.

blondie joined technorati and fucking technorati says breakup blog links to his blog...94 fucking days ago!! so out of curiosity, i'm sure, he clicks through to breakup blog and finds shit i never intended him to see. he poked around here for a few minutes before prolly leaving in horror.

before this was breakup blog, it was just another shite personal blog of mine...i've had this blog address for a year and a half, i guess. and i was pretty sure blondie totally forgot about it...he has not been here at all, until fucking technorati gave him ancient information. maybe sometime in early '05, i guess i had a link to his blog...but goddam, fucking update my entry already techorati!!! i ping you every time i post, i cannot believe you are linking to links on my blog that were deleted almost 4 months ago AND mixing it up with content that is on the fucking blog now!!! there are NO links to his sites...cuz i didn't want this shit to happen...but, good ol' technorati outed me by posting outdated info. godDAMN!

so yeah, i'm talking freely about all of this because i am willing to bet money that blondie will never come back here again. this is just not his idea of a constructive use of his time. plus he knows i get wet over log analysis, so he knows that i know that he was here and where he went while he was here.

i forgot i had my msn on today, and after work he logged on, as usual. at the time that he logged on, i was still numb, cuz i had just looked thru my logs and saw that he found the site thru technorati. i fucking almost passed out when i saw that. but anyway, so he logs onto msn, i had my usual private wig like i do when he logs on...but i had NO temptation to message him. i'm totally mortified. my only consolation is that i know he's not overly curious about this shit. he won't ever bring it up, and i fucking aint gonna say anything about it either. it's just gonna be this stupid secret we both know about, but wont ever bring up. and the thing is, we both know it. i just dont have the heart for the wigginess that will happen if i bring it up.

i am pretty sure that his heart isn't softened by what he read here...and i'm fucking pissed that he found it the way he did. fucking technorati.

oh well...it changes nothing...unless he wants it to.

crazy song playing:
i specialize in lonliness -- boy george

Dropping Out

On my way...feeling a bit crazy. But I'm growing up a little. Right now. Feeling that same feeling I felt on graduation day. That excited/terrified feeling of going out into the world and making my mark.

As of a few hours ago, i made the BIG decision. Left the past in the past. Let go of the pain. Hated it, but became crazy friends with it...a few hours ago, I walked away from it, I let it go. I realized that even tho blondie rejected me, I am still in love. But not necessarily with him anymore. I am in love with the same things I was before I met him. I'm in love with life. In love with what I do for work. Want heartbreak out of my life right now. Things are different. Life has remodeled itself. Done grieving.

Remodeling myself too. Doing the makeover. Letting the old go.
Taking on a real job by day. Producing recurring profit-generating, scalable connection points with cushy exit strategies by night. (haha, yeah baby)
Building a new life. Moving to a new state. Living with new shit. Old shit is staying in Canada. Its settled.

Best times of my life were with blondie. They'll open the way for my new direction. Only happy tears now, if any. Happy that I had the privilege of loving and being loved by the most amazing guy walking the earth right now. I will always cherish our time together. Its tucked away to recall in my old age. The sweetest memories ever to die old with.

In the meantime, I'm dropping out of the grief club. No more wasting my life living in the past. Starting now, I'm following my heart and my intuition. Right now, my love is for my work. Work and my biz is my new relationship. I'll have to spend a lot of time with it, so I'm choosing everything about my work and biz that I love...the same way I will with a guy, when that time comes again. I never settled when I was with blondie, am not going to settle with my work now, and I will not settle in the next relationship I'm in either.

Satisfied. Foolish. Taking on life. Bring It.