“It’s Only After We’ve Lost Everything That We’re Free To Do Anything”

Uncle already. I surrender. I lost the love of my life. I lost my ability to love, or maybe to be loved, because breaking up with Blondie destroyed me. 

Actually, I'm over it. Have been for a really long time. But this morning I woke up remembering that his sister is getting married today. Getting married to the same guy she started dating a few months before Blondie and I started dating. I'm so happy for them. 

Why does their marriage make me so emo again? First off, I woke up remembering they were getting married. I dreamed about Blondie last nite. I dreamed about things being the way they used to be. And that included seeing his sister and her fiance often. So coming out of that dream to the reality that I'm no longer with Blondie, and his sister is today getting married is bittersweet. 

I've gone briefly into stalker mode and checked out flickr pics of Blondie. He looks good. He looks happy. And I check out his blog 3-4 times a year. Not often at all. I'm kinda over making myself suffer over him. But he was a very important person in my life. I'll probably always retain some sort of curiosity about how he's doing.

If you've read this blog long enough, you know that I lost myself when Blondie broke up with me. All this time later, it seems absolutely silly to even admit that. I'm pretty embarrassed about the complete emo drivel on this piece of shit blog. But then again, whatever. Its just a blog. Its just a breakup. 

I guess what sucks is that I let myself lose so much more than just a relationship. And now my net is ripped open, and its just about me. What am I going to do with myself? I'm not sad really. Its just hard to open up when I know I've made it hard for guys to get close to me. I know I try to fit guys I date into Blondie's mold. None of them can compare, and I start getting all complainey about them or back off from them, and then find myself surprised when they decide not to play that game anymore. Thing is, I dont even want to play that game anymore. I'm jumping off that merry-go-round. I'm free. 

What now?

Now I Feel Dirty

I hung out with a new dude a little while ago. He's a hippie. I love hippies. But dude is gross. He thinks he's a programmer, but he's not very smart. He's a dirty hippie. Dirty being the key word. Like weeks worth of dishes in the sink. A floor that looks worse than the street. A smell I couldn't get out of my memory for hours. Just thinking about him makes me feel dirty.

Hate to sound like a fucking diva. Cuz I'm so down with alt living. Its just that dating sucks. Single guys sometimes suck. I probably do too.

New Addiction

I'm so single it hurts. I fucking hate it!

Since my addiction to beautiful, brilliant, emotionally iffy guys isn't going to be taken care of, I'm feeling a need for a replacement addiction. I'm pretty much done with the dive bar scene - only because too many guys fitting the description of my first addiction are there. Torture. And drinking alone every damn day just feels weird. I don't do substances really. At least not the illicit kind. And I've rubbed it out till I'm no longer interested in solo sex. Lame.

Thinking all that's left is food. Which is so whack. But I'm sooo devoid of excitement - and the rush I get from meeting a guy I dig is so exciting. Strangely enough food gives a teeny tiny bit of that same rush. Why do you think so many single girls are a little chubby? I think it's cuz they're burned out on the whole dating scene, like myself, and get some strange satisfaction from eating that whole box of fancy cupcakes and buzzing like a mutha fucker on sugar and chocolate for like an hour afterward. That's totally similar to the whole orgasm afterglow - with none of the sweating that goes with sex. I'm in desperate need for some kind of change in my world. I'm like frantically seeking the non-illicit-drug dopamine rush. I'm chasing the dragon still. I'm completely addicted to something. Connection. Comfort. Something - i dunno.

Shut up! Yeah I need therapy. But if I could just love somebody and be loved by them, my normalcy level would balance out quite nicely. I don't really think everyone is meant to be alone and fucking isolated in the world. Works for some people. It's bullshit to me. I'll probably either eat or starve myself into some awesome self-induced dopamine high. No guys needed. I have my preference.