Hard

This is a hard time to be doing pxxi.

It's just so normal to wish all of your friends a merry xmas and happy holidays...but i haven't gotten that xmas wish from blondie, and i won't send him one.

I am choking back tears and trying not to be sad about this. I know that he's moved on...so i gotta do the same. I just can't believe we're not even friends anymore. I guess we never really were. I think he just said 'let's stay friends' just to soften the blow.

I'm gonna do this tho. I HAVE been doing this. I've made it thru day 3 of not contacting him. And this is a hella tough day. My breakup buddies have been such a big help too. I'm so glad I didn't have to go thru this alone.

Gotta become that cold azz bitch now cuz it's all about moving on and starting over.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!!

Playing now: (I need a 'moving on' playlist...I'll get one together soon)
Let's Get Lost -- Elliott Smith
Seductive Barry -- Pulp
Today -- Smashing Pumpkins

Fortune Cookie Say: Starting PXXI Day Three

Fortune Cookie say: "A carrot a day, may keep cancer away" Lamers!!

But Wow! I feel really good this morning. Last nite I hung out with Trevor. WOW! That kid is so awesome. He has been such an amazing support to me during this whole breakup...and for years we've been flirting friends. Last nite he came over and brought me a candlelight chinese dinner, a bottle of merlot, sketched for me, exchanged gifts with me and hung with me until his friends MADE him leave to go out with them. I got a sweet kiss from him as he was leaving...mmmmmm, that was nice. It was so amazing. Then when he left, he called me and left a message on my vm. That kid is the shit. He's by far one of the most creative/hot/indie/fun/sexy guys I know. And it's always been this way for us...I just never wanted to take things any further than friendship cuz we are such good friends. But last nite...the vibe was hott. As usual. How have we been able to have such a crazy vibe with each other for years without doing anything about it? Well, we're both always attached when the other one is not, so even if we were wanting to take this somewhere, we never really could...plus...he's my friend and I'm really afraid that taking it further would ruin things...

So I'm just enjoying what we do have. A very hot connection with each other...and a very strong friendship. The best. (Much love Trev)

And yeah, I thought about blondie...but there were no tears this time, and I didn't feel compelled to check on him. I'm totally moving on. Gawd, it's about fucking time!!!
Ok, so there are some things about blondie that i wanted to blog. I learned more from him than any guy I've ever gone out with...it was so much deeper than with other guys. And I'm guessing I wont find that combination of an intelligent geek/sexy/beautiful/funny/hipster/artist again. So I am thinking that I either settle for something less or just never get serious with another guy.

I'm feeling the second option a lot more than the 'settling' option...at least for now. BUT I shouldn't even worry about being in another relationship for another year, I'm thinking. YMMV.

But either way, I'm feeling so much stronger today....YAY! Time to get over this sad, whiney ass shite and get back to golden.

Happy Holidays!

Tunes that are keeping me happy this morning:
Come On Home -- Franz Ferdinand
Black Tongue -- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Girl, You Have No Faith In Medicine -- The White Stripes
Don't Thank Me -- The French Kicks(this song gets so much play lately - love it!)
Pioneers -- Bloc Party

Getting Over Him : PXXI Starting Day Two

So my feeling starting day 2 of PXXI is that it was harder than I expected yesterday. Like a junkie, right before I went to bed I slipped up and went to his blog. Seems he's going home for the holidays. And I'm so happy for him that he's doing that...but under the circumstances, I didn't really need to know this. I worry a little about our old friends, and stuff (stuff=the girls there in the city who STILL dig him and wouldn't mind hooking up with him). And I guess mostly I'm sad cuz he didn't tell me. He's let me go.

How can I get over him? He is just so different, he cannot be replaced. He was the love of my life. I really miss him bad. I miss his mind. I miss his sense of humor. I miss his beautiful blue eyes, his beautiful face, his sexy voice. Miss his amazing hugs. I miss talking with him. I miss hanging with him. Partying with him. Miss cooking with him. Growing our herb garden together. Miss sleeping with him. Miss everything about him. I'll miss him during xmas and new years. The bad times were never that bad and were very few. And the good times were so good. If not for the circumstance I'm currently in, I think we would have been an epoch love story. I will always heart him. And more than I can express, I miss what might have been...

That said, I am still ready to move on instead of continuing to destroy myself over being apart from him. I honestly worry about becoming a hard person. Most guys dont impress me as having potential for being more than just friends. And I'm not really interested in spending another evening with a guy that bores me. I'm so past that after being with blondie. And it seems the guys who are as brilliant as blondie tend to be socially inept geeks. Gosh, I guess I'll stop here writing about why blondie can't be replaced...just saying that I'll prolly not date someone seriously again. Going out with friends will be good, and I definitely don't want to become a man hater or a love hater. So somehow I have to get blondie out of my system w/o becoming a hard bitch...sigh...holy geezus, i'm so sick of this shite.

Ok, so I gotta get my head together...no IM checking, no checking his sites. Gotta work today, have a meeting to prepare for. Then Trev will be over and that will cause all worldly problems to fade out of existence. He's that good. After he leaves is when this is gonna be a bitch again. So I just gotta put the mouse down and back away from the computer tonite so there will be no temptation. That's all I can do...one day at a time. I'll worry about how to work each new day as it begins. No preplanning other than the rules I laid out for the PXXI purge. It's just too heavy right now to think about tomorrow...I fucking have to make it thru today without thinking about him constantly.

I was so lucky to have him in my life...even for only a year and a half. I'll never forget.

Playing right now:
New Country -- The Dandy Warhols
1x 2x Devastated -- DM3
No Weather -- Stellastarr
Where Is My Mind? -- The Pixies
She's Hearing Voices -- Bloc Party

PXXI Day One

Ok, so I've been keeping myself busy with work, last minute holiday shoppingand talking to friends.

Today was actually a hella good day to start PXXI for me cuz the amazing Trevor is in town for the next 5 days. Woooo! And he always keeps me from whining and worrying about blondie. He's pretty amazing cuz he just won't even let me talk about him...and for the first few days, I could really use someone who knows who I used to be before the whole blondie breakup, and can help me get back there again...and Trev is definitely one to do that.

So today, I've done pretty good -- not perfect tho. I kinda checked to see if blondie was online earlier while I was checking for Trevor...but I've got him blocked, and immediately remembered that I'm done with that shit, so I moved his IM handle out of the main window so I wouldn't do that again. So I don't really consider that blowing it, cuz I moved him out of my line of sight...ha!

I just have to keep my emotions from getting out of control, cuz I've got the willpower thing going right now, but still I've got this crazy sadness happening. Wish me luck guys, I'm excited to get back to my old self again.

How's everyone else doing?

My sweet friend Brando also came over tonite...he's such an intelligent guy. And so spiritual too...I love talking to him. We go on for hours and hours about heavy stuff always...BUT tonite we didn't talk about love (which has been a recurring theme since this fucking breakup)! This is a big thing for me. To be able to concentrate on other important things and not have to do it looking through tears that well up in my eyes is a very good thing. (Much love Brando)

Some tunes that played while Brandon was here:
Tulips -- Bloc Party
Slow Fade -- Wheat
The Pharmacist -- Hot Rod Circuit
Stamp Out The Sun -- The IOS (gotta pick this one up at a local music store)
Love & Death -- The Stills
Yesterday Never Tomorrows -- The Stills
Where Does the Good Go? -- Tegan & Sara

Project XXI

Ok, the time has come to actually start dealing with this breakup.

I've been so broken hearted over losing the love of my life that weeks ago, my offline and online friends told me that maybe it would be a good idea not to talk to blondie for a while...while I could see their point, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Finally, yesterday a reader made that same comment, and for some reason this time, it just clicked...I dunno...I guess I just realized that I am fucking exhausted from this breakup madness and that its time to do something about it already.

So here is what I'm doing:

I'm starting what I am calling Project XXI. This is a 21 day break-the-habit-no-contact project. When a reader, Nic, commented about it, what turned me on to it was the fact that maybe blondie would start to miss me after not hearing from me for a while, and perhaps the whole friendship thing would just work out better. But last nite my book He's Just Not That Into Youarrived, and after reading it I decided that this 21 day project should be more focused as a way for me to just say goodbye completely...if he comes running back to me for friendship then cool...but either way, I'm thinking it's time for me to just say goodbye and be able to deal.

So here are the rules, and they are expanded a bit to include the circumstances of those who are starting this project with me:

1: No contact with the ex for a minimum of 21 days. That makes it Jan 12 starting today
2: No drunk dialing/texts, email or IM
3: No x-mas day dialing/texts, email or IM
4: No new years eve dialing/texts, email or IM
5: If god forbid, (s)he finds or already reads your blog, no communication with her/him via comments or posts
6: No IM unblocking until Jan 12 (or feel free to delete from IM, email, phones, etc)
7: No 3rd party contact (your circumstance may require 3rd party contact...but prolly not...be honest)
8: No desperation dialing/texts, emails or IMs
9: Blog and comment here as necessary to keep from unblocking or emailing her/him
10: No stalking -- online, offline, stalking thru friends, etc. (Nic sez you'll defeat the whole purpose if you know what (s)he's up to or if (s)he know's what you're up to)
11: Get the fuck out from in front of the computer for at least a couple of hours everyday to do something good for you (i.e. shop, hit the gym, go get yerself some starbucks or even better go to an independent coffee shop and enjoy the cute servers, get some art...go to a gallery or see a live band or read some prose, go dating and 'hit that' (hehe)...whatever is fun and good for you)

I know some of the rules are hella difficult (i.e. for me, the no contact on the holidays is going to fuck me up, expect me to be stupid on these days), so PLEASE leave a comment if you're feeling weak at any time during this project and I'll do my best to give you the support you need...I'll definitely blog every wiggy instance I have during this project. And if you're doing really well with Project XXI (hereafter referred to as PXXI - pronounced "pixie"), then let us know that too...we all could use the encouragement to see that it can actually be done. Also feel free to YIM me instead of him/her...i will leave it on a lot during PXXI.

Ok, ready? LETS DO THIS!!!

D2M

Dead to Me...Thats what we used to call people we didn't want in our lives anymore and would never make any effort to contact again....you know, that friend who runs off with your bf/gf; the roommate who never pays their part of the rent on time and/or has crazy parties but never cleans up, owes you money, and secretly moves out while everyone is gone leaving you fucked; or the douchebag person who makes up lies about you and treats you like shit, etc...dead to me. I'm pretty sure that I'm in his D2M file now.

So last nite, while doing some research for a new gig I have, I IMed him about something I'm not really up on, but I knew he would understand a bit better. He gave me some ideas on it, was helpful but gosh, the whole "friendly" thing wasn't there at all. The whole interaction left me feeling about as warm as I do when I check an encyclopedia for information. Just fucking flat. I totally think I'm in his D2M file...gosh...sniff. That makes me so sad.

Thing is, I'm not sure if he's faking that or not cuz it's IM. It's really hard to detect emotion over IM. And I would even feel better if he hated me cuz he would still care...love and hate are so closely related...you almost can't hate someone without loving them (certainly not in all cases, but i'm sure you're feeling me here)...otherwise you just wouldn't let yourself be arsed with any emotion one way or the other for them...

But when I told him I was going to take a gig on the east coast when I'm done here, he asked me who it was with...I didn't expect that. I figured he wouldn't want to know. So I guess that was a plus...and truth be told...i'm kinda so upset about the whole IM experience cuz of the way it ended. So after our little chat we didn't talk to each other for hours, I got to work, and he was working too...entirely normal. But when he logs off, he usually tells me goodnite...and he didn't last nite. And it may have just been an oversight, i dunno...but it's wigging me out for some stoopid reason. Gawd...i'm trying not to let it get to me, I just don't want that to be evidence that he considers me D2him. It's just such a weird thing for him not to tell me goodnite if we've chatted, and I slept so bad cuz it really wigged me. I swear I wish I didn't care about shiz like that...it's terrible. I'm watching myself become this petty, whiney person...bah

For some reason I'm feeling the need for album cover art lately (actually almost any art/photography/music/words), so I've been picking up more CD's again...currently playing on my playa:
Still In Love Song -- The Stills
Let Down -- Radiohead
Near You -- Jeremy
Sister Gone -- Sea Ray
Initiate -- Calla
Hey Boy -- The Blow

Relationship Rehab

Oh my gosh...I'm so excited about the upcoming series on Style Network called Relationship Rehab. And if I lived near New York, I would have totally gone on the casting call...but alas, I am temporarily living in NoMan'sLand, USA. So all you fellow broken hearted visitors who can't seem to put your ex behind you should totally make sure to catch this new series...I'm very excited.

Rollercoaster

So yesterday I confessed that I got weak and emailed blondie 2 times...and he didn't reply, and I was seriously bummed. Well, he finally emailed back late last nite! (and he was sooo sweet, much like a "friend") Yippeee!! (Why am I so happy about this???) I dunno, but I AM happy about it, and my mood is much better now, thank you. I had such a bad day yesterday, but the day before was so good...so this whole breakup thing is doing a brutal rollercoaster routine on my emotions..."UNCLE" already!

Thoughts A Waste of Time -- Joy Zipper
Messenger -- Pinback
Was Hoping -- Alanis MorisetteI

Breakup Insanity

Goddam, how long will I have to endure this breakup insanity?? So like over the whole weekend, I didn't break down and IM blondie...and holy crap, did I have an entirely almost-getting-over-him-weekend! Even amazed all of you, knowing what a crybaby I am over not being his anymore...lol

So, the problem? Well...I do have a confession to make...I did send him an email Friday and then one yesterday. Nothing big, just more like the kind of 'hey, this is cool' kind of emails you would send to your friends. "your friends" being the key phrase in that last sentence...gawd, obviously we just can't seem to do the "friends" thing...and I know that...yet some insane force overtakes my fingers every few days and forces me to either IM or email him. And usually he is so sweet... gawd is that kid sweet sometimes...but other times he ignores me or even shows me his sharp tongue and leaves me bleeding from the heart. And seriously...what is that shit about? I never took crap from other guys...never. But i'd fucking be the doormat he wipes his feet on now cuz this whole thing is my fault. But thats so truly assinine. Who can love a fucking doormat? Oh gawd, I just gotta get over him...I just woke up missing him so bad today...our life was just so comfortable.

So in my little indulgent tearfest this morning, i'm thinking about how perfect i think blondie was for me...how he was technically my first love...like there is nothing i would change about him, nothing i dont respect and adore. There were others before him, a very serious relationship and a lot of shorter ones. But with them, i always felt like there was a huge part of me they just didn't 'get'...and there was never that element of feeling like they were 'the One'...but instead always that bad feeling that something was missing, but couldn't put my finger on exactly what is was, and he's a good guy and he's so in love with me...yada, yada. But with blondie, within weeks of getting to know him, it was so obvious to me that he was the one, and over the months and then after more than a year, there was no doubt in my mind...but what about his?

So, i've been going over and over in my mind why he is mostly kind to me but wont take me back, or on the other hand why he wont just cut me off. I'm in this fucking limbo situation with him...and so I kinda wonder if maybe I wasn't 'the One' for him. Maybe the infamous T (a past gf of his that I always had to work not to be jealous over) was 'the One' in his heart, but maybe I just connected with him really well, and perhaps he actually felt like something was missing with us. Although looking back, it doesn't seem that way -- but i'm sure it didn't seem that way to the one guy i was in a very serious relationship with a long time ago either. it's just something that you dont want to reveal for fear of looking like an ungrateful, unloving arsehole.

So maybe I just wasn't 'the One' for him...although he obviously seriously dug me. But that is different from having unconditional love for someone. So maybe the whole limbo thing I'm in has to do with him still liking me as a person, and not wanting anything bad to happen to me, but also not 'feeling it' strong enough to want to get back into a LD relationship with me. ...sigh. I fucking dont know. I just feel like a psycho cuz he wont talk to me about it, and theres just no sane way to get closure on this...he's got this terrible 'erase someone from memory' mechanism that he can turn on at will...so I'm just fucked if I ever want to find out what he's thinking, cuz he's already done a lot of erasing jenn already.

Why can't I just get over him already??? Aaarghh! Nothing like a fucking Monday morning meltdown before work...gawd, this week is starting out just awesome.

Amazing artist on the Secretly Canadian label I got turned on to last nite playing on my playa:

Fortune

So I had to feed my addiction last nite for fortune cookie fortunes by ordering delicious chinese delivery yet again...

Fortune Cookie Say:
"You will travel far and wide, both pleasure and business. :)"

Ok, that's cool...my gigs kinda require that. But I have had a recent change in circumstances that I figured would put an end to that...but I totally believe my fortunes from this chinese eatery, they have all been correct, so I'm pretty happy about this one. Plus, the Sagittarius animal in me hates to be in one place for too long, I'm far too fickle/get bored too easily for any of that shite. It's all about the whole gypsy vibe. New places, new adventures, new whatever.

So whats up with the whole settling down thing I was doing with blondie? So contentedly, at that? I mean, I was pretty cool about getting into a little routine with him. I actually found that I loved it. So predictable and safe. I must admit that I do not feel very safe in my life because of all of the travel I did alone, as well as other circumstances. Indie, to be sure, but not safe. So settling down in my life with blondie was such a sweet change. I often thought we were even kinda like the cute old couple in the diamond commercials...but young and hip...lol. It was adorable. Never had that before. It was new, but so mature and old...and I totally dug that.

But it looks like, according to my fortune, that my life will go back to the textbook Sagittarius lifestyle...lots of travel. Plus it will be for "pleasure and business". Right on. I can deal with that again. I just need to maybe get my shit together and hire an assistant or something so I won't have to travel alone all the time. That would rule.

(Oh my hell! That post almost sounded like maybe I'm finally getting on with my life already. Yay me!! Wonder how long this will last?)

And ohhhh, guess blondie didn't block me from IM like I thought...he logged on last nite and, of course I wigged. Didn't expect to see him on my list again. Thank gawd I was talking to a couple of people at the time cuz I prolly would have impulsively said hi to him...and I know I need to just leave it. Close call.


Songs on shuffle:

I Want You -- Tom Waits
I Started Something I Couldn't Finish -- The Smiths
Windowpane -- Opeth
Obscured -- Smashing Pumpkins
Run Down the Stairs -- Beat Happening
Santeria -- Sublime
Know Your Onion! -- The Shins
Gathering Darkness -- Grade