Breakup Insanity
Goddam, how long will I have to endure this breakup insanity?? So like over the whole weekend, I didn't break down and IM blondie...and holy crap, did I have an entirely almost-getting-over-him-weekend! Even amazed all of you, knowing what a crybaby I am over not being his anymore...lol
So, the problem? Well...I do have a confession to make...I did send him an email Friday and then one yesterday. Nothing big, just more like the kind of 'hey, this is cool' kind of emails you would send to your friends. "your friends" being the key phrase in that last sentence...gawd, obviously we just can't seem to do the "friends" thing...and I know that...yet some insane force overtakes my fingers every few days and forces me to either IM or email him. And usually he is so sweet... gawd is that kid sweet sometimes...but other times he ignores me or even shows me his sharp tongue and leaves me bleeding from the heart. And seriously...what is that shit about? I never took crap from other guys...never. But i'd fucking be the doormat he wipes his feet on now cuz this whole thing is my fault. But thats so truly assinine. Who can love a fucking doormat? Oh gawd, I just gotta get over him...I just woke up missing him so bad today...our life was just so comfortable.
So in my little indulgent tearfest this morning, i'm thinking about how perfect i think blondie was for me...how he was technically my first love...like there is nothing i would change about him, nothing i dont respect and adore. There were others before him, a very serious relationship and a lot of shorter ones. But with them, i always felt like there was a huge part of me they just didn't 'get'...and there was never that element of feeling like they were 'the One'...but instead always that bad feeling that something was missing, but couldn't put my finger on exactly what is was, and he's a good guy and he's so in love with me...yada, yada. But with blondie, within weeks of getting to know him, it was so obvious to me that he was the one, and over the months and then after more than a year, there was no doubt in my mind...but what about his?
So, i've been going over and over in my mind why he is mostly kind to me but wont take me back, or on the other hand why he wont just cut me off. I'm in this fucking limbo situation with him...and so I kinda wonder if maybe I wasn't 'the One' for him. Maybe the infamous T (a past gf of his that I always had to work not to be jealous over) was 'the One' in his heart, but maybe I just connected with him really well, and perhaps he actually felt like something was missing with us. Although looking back, it doesn't seem that way -- but i'm sure it didn't seem that way to the one guy i was in a very serious relationship with a long time ago either. it's just something that you dont want to reveal for fear of looking like an ungrateful, unloving arsehole.
So maybe I just wasn't 'the One' for him...although he obviously seriously dug me. But that is different from having unconditional love for someone. So maybe the whole limbo thing I'm in has to do with him still liking me as a person, and not wanting anything bad to happen to me, but also not 'feeling it' strong enough to want to get back into a LD relationship with me. ...sigh. I fucking dont know. I just feel like a psycho cuz he wont talk to me about it, and theres just no sane way to get closure on this...he's got this terrible 'erase someone from memory' mechanism that he can turn on at will...so I'm just fucked if I ever want to find out what he's thinking, cuz he's already done a lot of erasing jenn already.
Why can't I just get over him already??? Aaarghh! Nothing like a fucking Monday morning meltdown before work...gawd, this week is starting out just awesome.
Amazing artist on the Secretly Canadian label I got turned on to last nite playing on my playa:
So, the problem? Well...I do have a confession to make...I did send him an email Friday and then one yesterday. Nothing big, just more like the kind of 'hey, this is cool' kind of emails you would send to your friends. "your friends" being the key phrase in that last sentence...gawd, obviously we just can't seem to do the "friends" thing...and I know that...yet some insane force overtakes my fingers every few days and forces me to either IM or email him. And usually he is so sweet... gawd is that kid sweet sometimes...but other times he ignores me or even shows me his sharp tongue and leaves me bleeding from the heart. And seriously...what is that shit about? I never took crap from other guys...never. But i'd fucking be the doormat he wipes his feet on now cuz this whole thing is my fault. But thats so truly assinine. Who can love a fucking doormat? Oh gawd, I just gotta get over him...I just woke up missing him so bad today...our life was just so comfortable.
So in my little indulgent tearfest this morning, i'm thinking about how perfect i think blondie was for me...how he was technically my first love...like there is nothing i would change about him, nothing i dont respect and adore. There were others before him, a very serious relationship and a lot of shorter ones. But with them, i always felt like there was a huge part of me they just didn't 'get'...and there was never that element of feeling like they were 'the One'...but instead always that bad feeling that something was missing, but couldn't put my finger on exactly what is was, and he's a good guy and he's so in love with me...yada, yada. But with blondie, within weeks of getting to know him, it was so obvious to me that he was the one, and over the months and then after more than a year, there was no doubt in my mind...but what about his?
So, i've been going over and over in my mind why he is mostly kind to me but wont take me back, or on the other hand why he wont just cut me off. I'm in this fucking limbo situation with him...and so I kinda wonder if maybe I wasn't 'the One' for him. Maybe the infamous T (a past gf of his that I always had to work not to be jealous over) was 'the One' in his heart, but maybe I just connected with him really well, and perhaps he actually felt like something was missing with us. Although looking back, it doesn't seem that way -- but i'm sure it didn't seem that way to the one guy i was in a very serious relationship with a long time ago either. it's just something that you dont want to reveal for fear of looking like an ungrateful, unloving arsehole.
So maybe I just wasn't 'the One' for him...although he obviously seriously dug me. But that is different from having unconditional love for someone. So maybe the whole limbo thing I'm in has to do with him still liking me as a person, and not wanting anything bad to happen to me, but also not 'feeling it' strong enough to want to get back into a LD relationship with me. ...sigh. I fucking dont know. I just feel like a psycho cuz he wont talk to me about it, and theres just no sane way to get closure on this...he's got this terrible 'erase someone from memory' mechanism that he can turn on at will...so I'm just fucked if I ever want to find out what he's thinking, cuz he's already done a lot of erasing jenn already.
Why can't I just get over him already??? Aaarghh! Nothing like a fucking Monday morning meltdown before work...gawd, this week is starting out just awesome.
Amazing artist on the Secretly Canadian label I got turned on to last nite playing on my playa:
posted by Jenn at 7:31:00 AM
7 Comments:
hiya mike!
yeah, guess you did dodge that bullet today...
ummm, tried to follow that link you gave and i got a 404 Not Found error...wanna repost it or send it to my YIM?
Heya Jenn:
Sounds like you're having a pretty bad day. Seeing as my day's going a little bit better, I'd like to reply to a question you posed about loving a doormat. If anybody knows the real you, and can see through the despondence, then they will love you. You seem like a really loving person, and for that people will love you.
*HUGS*
~Kevin
mike, thanks for the link repost...very thought provoking image. and yeah, i can see the significance in your case...actually i love that poster.
kevin, gosh what can i say. every comment you have posted on my blog has lifted my spirits. and the weirdness that you live in the same town i just had to leave...wow. thank you for your kind words...they're doing a lot for me today :) glad you're having a good day.
mike thats a hard situation. but if she really needs help, and you're the only one who can give it, i kinda think it's just the right thing to give it, if you can.
otoh, considering the circumstances of the breakup, i think the whole texting bit was also sooo the right thing to do...instead of calling her back.
stay strong.
Hey Jenn,
Sorry to hear you're having a rough day. I used to have those all the time non-stop, so I know your pain. I don't know why the "friends" thing just doesn't seem to work with the one person you want it to work with. Maybe they're just trying to help us move on by being cold? That thought helps me sometimes, but it's also counter-productive sometimes... I hope it helps you today!
As a fellow doormat, I must say that doormats are desirable to the people who want it, and therefore are not really doormats. So, hang in there! Let's un-mat ourselves!
heya pb!
thanks for the picker-upper. yeah, we're sweet girls, we totally need to un-mat ourselves.
Go Us!
ok seriously... would you really want to be his FRIEND? Would you really want to go out with him on a simply PLATONIC level? Or are you just going to take what you can get?
You don't want to know what he's doing that doesn't involve you (saaaay dating other women) you don't want to deal with dumb drama - trust me you DON'T want to be his friend.
Atleast right now.
proimse :)
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