Alone on a Friday Night

Ok...I'm seriously hopeless...
Unblock #72 (or some such stupid number...)

Yes, I unblocked blondie from IM yet again.

I noticed that he was online tonite, and I am alone tonite. Sooo, I unblocked him and said hi.

And he is always just soo friendly and nice. Dammit. He totally encourages me to chat with him cuz he is so kind...almost always.

But somehow, even with him being so sweet, I usually feel bad afterward...almost like I think I would feel if I went out tonite and got myself laid by a stranger...just bad. Cuz I'm ALWAYS the one who initiates the conversations...and the longest I've ever gone w/o talking to him was maybe two weeks at most. But he certainly didn't break down during that time to email or call me....goddam it. Pretty clear message...

But tonite when I IMed him and asked how he was doing, he talked to me about kinda important stuff to him...canadian job issues/contracts/shite. Made me kinda think he still felt like he could talk to me about heavy stuff. So see? Its a terrible punishment/reward cycle I go thru. Aaarrgh!

I'm actually still on IM with him now. And obviously, I already feel...bad. I really do need to let him go or something. Let him go or be prepared to be his bitch. I don't really want to be his bitch, even though I want him back again. Actually, I'm not sure that he even wants a bitch at this point in his life.

I am not sure if anything else has made me so wiggy ever. Gawd! He's messing with my head. I hate the just friends thing cuz I am still so in love with him...but I like it cuz I get my blondie fix whenever I get weak and unblock him. Just stupid...I know. I seriously cannot be left alone...