Permanent IM Block (I Think)

Block, unblock...where are we now? Hmmm, it's been a few days, looks like I'm at IM block #75.

I kinda think that now he has finally blocked me too...he's only been online for a few minutes today, and he is always on all weekend, all the time...has been for all the time I've known him.

I always seem to break down on the weekend and say hi to him. I did again. Was not good this time, cuz we have a lot of shit to still deal with. We did. It went bad. Although he wished me a happy bday. I asked if that was the only reason we talked as long as we did. He said no. He promised to talk to me soon. But now he's a no-show. I think it's a block. That's alright.

There has been so much we've chatted about over the past few days, and things are going downhill very fast. Its pretty bad that we've been apart for months now, and yet our conversations are still so emotionally charged and go bad. I guess the IM ended ok, cuz he was very dilligent about saying that we would talk later. But I woke up today and just had to email him. I sent him a a hella long email, pages long.

I think I must sound like a broken record. There is nothing new to say to him about the trouble we had. I did him wrong. I lied about a big thing. There were reasons I did. Not good enough reasons. He was hurt. And he won't forgive. Yet he won't turn his back completely on me either. I am heartbroken. I just don't know how to feel ok about this. I've got to find a way to quit clinging so desperately to him and the past. I need to find a way to just accept that he does not want to forgive me. I fucked up and have to pay the price. I just wish I could pay the price, and be with him still.

I need a plan.

This is so bad it deserves another shite breakup playlist. Get the songs here:
1. Homesick - Kings Of Convenience
2. Smoke - Alkaline Trio
3. Nightingale - Saves The Day
4. 12.23.95 - Jimmy Eat World
5. Down, Set, Go! - Underoath
6. Forever - As I Lay Dying
7. Hurt - Johnny Cash
8. Alone In A World Without You - Glasseater
9. Autumns Monologue - From Autumn To Ashes
10. Mistakes We Knew We Were Making - Mae
11. Promise - Matchbook Romance
12. The Ghost Of You - My Chemical Romance
13. Beautiful World - Rage Against The Machine
14. Unorchestrated (Live) - Hey Mercedes
15. Alone In Kyoto - Air (Pop)
16. Buried A Lie - Senses Fail
17. Run - Snow Patrol
18. I Miss You - Blink 182
19. I Keep A Diary - Braid
20. Wishful Thinking - Wilco
21. Crush - Smashing Pumpkins
22. We Laugh Indoors - Death Cab For Cutie
23. Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez
24. Homesick - The Cure