Tender Hearted Drama Queen

Holy crap!

Am I a fucking drama queen, or what? I have finally just read through all of my posts, and the further down I read, the more pathetic the posts get...I mean, this breakup and the surrounding events were outrageously, cruelly bad...but my reaction to the breakup was more than a little nutz. I've been choked-up and stoopid for weeks now.

That being the case, this is going to be my last entry for a while.

Not for a long while, but long enough. I guess part of it is to make a point to myself that things have irreversibly changed between blondie and i. Even if we were to get back together in the future, it would not be the same as it was. There is a possibility that things could be even better, but they will definitely not be the same anymore. I just need to move away from the past, and on to the future...whatever it may hold.

So, this journal is going un-updated for a while...a few days, a few weeks, i dunno. Just long enough for me to pull my shit back together. Long enough for me to finally complete some god-forsaken work projects. Long enough to maybe do that bit-part I was asked to do in the local film for animal-assisted therapy. Long enough for me to really live with the whole 'moving on' concept.

I still have to admit that I won't be over that guy, ever. And I would like to stay friends with him, maybe more than friends sometime in the future. But jeezus, I really yarbed out. It took him being totally unavailable and traveling to the states for me to be able to break the pathetic post-breakup spell.

I guess this blog did its job in that I found words to express my sadness at being apart from the love of my life. I dumped big time here. And in the process, I guess I learned that I can't change some things...so, i gotta learn to live with the new circumstances. And now it's more than time for me to do that.

Thanks for reading...I'll be back soon. Blog ya lata.


Songs playing on my playa: Strange Connection -- Low Flying Owls
------: Breathe In -- Braid
------: BlueLight -- Block Party
------: Punk Rock -- Mogwai
------: This Charming Man -- The Smiths

Flower15 Festival, Filmmaking, Getting On With Life...

So tomorrow nite, Isis will be playing at the Flower15 Fest...and I am here and not able to go...pretty sure blondie will be there, tho. I'm sure it will be a bad azz show, as ever...at the Metro. Today JEW (Jimmy Eat World) played, Pelican was a couple of days ago...damn, I hate that I am not able to be there.

Thinking about Chicago made me wanna see He Who Corrupts...crazy amazing band...nicest guys ever. I love He Who Corrupts. They're so funny, they totally throw out money to the audience in their shows...you gotta watch this He Who Corrupts video, Welcome to The Office on MySpace...just scroll down a bit to see it...absolutely uh-mazing.

On waaay different note, I got a really weird request today. I was asked to be in a film. I am not sure if I really want to do this. I have done a handfull of small parts in small films since Jr. High, and I am just stressed enough that I am not sure if I want to do another one right now. But if I do, I know it is for a good cause. It is for animal-assisted therapy. There are lots of different kinds of animals that are taken into hospitals and such, but the most popular are therapy dogs. I dunno, it might do me some good to do something a little out of the ordinary, but not too foreign...I'll seriously think about doing it.

This is a great article about the benefits of therapy dogs.

Anyhoo, I might try to follow online updates of the Flower15 fest, if possible, and give some updates here...if not, be assured that there will be more sequels to the Ex-Boyfriend/Still-Friends-Kinda saga.


Songs on the playa: Talk to Me, Dance With Me -- Hot, Hot Heat
----: From Sinking -- Isis
----: The Good Times Are Killing Me -- Modest Mouse
----: O I Sleep -- Mogwai

Creep

I just started thinking what if Blondie finds this blog someday in the future? Will he think I am a complete and total creep? Hahaha, I am wondering what I would think if he wrote shite like this in a new personal blog and I happened upon it someday. I think I would kinda feel sorry for him...and I don't want him to feel sorry for me. I am dealing with not being with him, it's just that I'm the one at fault for our breakup, and I really love(d) him, so this is a lot harder than it should be.

I don't think he could possibly find this without searching for very specific terms, cuz there is little personally identifying info here...but I will continue to pray to the Blog Godz for anonymity so I can keep dumping for all of you strangers to read ;)

"I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo..." hahaha

Prequel

Sigur Ros rules.

So today I am listening to the old Sigur Ros CD, Von. I have not listened to this CD since before blondie and I became an item...the last time I heard this CD, blondie and I were talking quite a bit, but I was actively dating other guys...I was really afraid that I was falling for him too fast, so it was my whole purpose in life not to do that...and I was on a mission to find some other dude who was smarter/sexier/more beautiful/funnier/had more in common with me/etc. (didn't work, btw)

I also had not yet moved to his state, and was living with a couple other girls in the "Chick Pad", an amazing, huge 3 bd apartment at the mouth of the canyon that I paid only $300/mo. for, including utilities, since we split the $1k/mo. rent 3 ways, paying different amounts depending on which bedroom we had (roommates can be awesome sometimes).

I remember at that time being so content with being single. I was happy and was successful in my work without a guy. I had no need for anyone, but dating and going out was fun and kept my roomies from feeling like I neglected them too much for work. I used to listen to this Sigur Ros CD a lot then.

I had one experience meeting a guy that was a friend of a guy my roommate had dated (hahaha, confusing, i know)...we just bumped into him at a bar, and after the bar had closed down, he asked me to drive him home for some stoopid reason...after we got there, he invited me in...we sat down on his completely shite sofa which had a whole piece of it blown out, or something, in front of his 52" plasma tv...and ummm, talked. then he told me that he had spent some time in Paris, and he started massaging my back...which was really making me feel relaxed. Then he did this totally smooth thing where he was kissing me before I knew it...AND, (this is for you Robert), this is why I decided that I MUST live in France, if this is how French men kiss...OMFG, no one has ever kissed me like that. We sat there on his sofa and kissed...for 4 hours! Hahaha, it was pretty damn amazing...the only thing is, I didn't really care that much about him, he was not hella brilliant, and that is a prerequisite for a second date. He was a rich, spoiled brat, and that doesn't impress me since I have a job and earn my own money. But, goddam, the kid could kiss. If all Parisians kiss like that, then its no wonder that you find so many pics of people kissing in Paris.

Anyhoo, hearing this Sigur Ros CD brought back good memories. I was very happy before we started going out, and I kinda needed to remember life before blondie, the prequel...kinda good cuz it helps me see that life after blondie can be good too...i know this is good, but I kinda feel bad cuz I will always love that dude, and I am trying to be happy without him...it's good but weird at the same time.

Songs playing: Syndir Guos (Opinberun Ferlsarans) -- Sigur Ros
-------------: Seaglopur -- Sigur Ros
-------------: Prototype -- Outkast
-------------: The State I Am In -- Belle and Sebastian

PS - talked to him tonite for prolly the last time on IM. he has moved on. time for me to do the same.

The Break, The Sequels

Blehhh. It is so hard to make the 'break'. Its time, though. This has been hard on our mutual friends, his family, my mom, and us. This is confusing and seriously torturous to me, and maybe to him too. And most of all, I don't want to hurt him again ever. So I realize there is no other good choice but for me to deal with this breakup, and let go already so we can move on with our lives separately, and...its so fucking hard to do that I almost can't even type it...goddam I fucked up things so bad. fuck. I am so angry with myself.

I never meant to hurt you, blondie.

I think I just want to be left alone for a bit. Although one of my friends from back east is coming to visit me in a couple of days...I will likely burden her with my misery the way I did Trevor. But he hugged me, gave me flowers, chocolate, painted an amazing piece of art for me and told me he loved me. It did make me feel stronger to know that he will still be a part of my life. Sometimes I feel like my whole world will be ripped away from me if I let go of blondie. And that isn't true. I've got true friends that I've known before blondie that have been here for me, and they are my blood now. They are my life.


Songs I'm crying to tonite: Homesick -- The Cure
----: Alive -- VHS Or Beta
----: Nothing Better -- The Postal Service
----: Pitseleh -- Elliott Smith
----: You -- Radiohead
----: Every Thug Needs A Lady -- The Alkaline Trio
----: Love Will Tear Us Apart -- Joy Division
----: Like The Angel -- Rise Against
----: Everything Reminds Me Of Her -- Elliott Smith
----: Everything Means Nothing To Me -- Elliott Smith
----: A Movie Script Ending -- DCFC
----: Smoke -- The Alkaline Trio
----: Stockholm Syndrome Interlude -- Blink 182
----: I Better Be Quiet Now -- Elliott Smith

Songs I'm feeling stronger to (or at least not crying to):
----: Crawl -- The Alkaline Trio
----: Hating in "D" -- (?) -- Some Songs From The Kill Rock Stars Singles
----: Line & Sinker -- Billy Talent
----: Wake Up, Decide -- Karate
----: Wishful Thinking -- Wilco
----: Soothe -- Smashing Pumpkins
----: In Cairo -- Hot Hot Heat
----: It's True That We Love One Another -- The White Stripes

GD, I cannot help thinking how incredibly ridiculous I am right now...I am so pathetic and he is so strong and focused on getting on with life. I'm ready to do that too, kinda (that is always a bad sign...usually happens that a sequel follows "kinda").

I just pray to the Blog Godz that blondie remains much too busy and important to find this piece of shite, whiny-azz, ridiculously sad blog, cuz there is likely much more to add. I will never be over that guy.

Why are my memories of our time together so intense? I wish I could put them to sleep...

Hello My Name Is...

Hello my name is Jenn and I am a blondie-aholic.

Holy shit. I know this is true.

I am totally kidding myself to think that being the only one to initiate conversations between blondie and I is a good thing. I am totally deficient in my thinking to imagine that this is keeping our friendship alive.

I don't want to go into how stupid it was for me to think that was ok.

And honestly, the only reason I am coming to a more lucid realization of this now is because next week I won't be able to chat with him at all, and I am experiencing anticipatory withdrawals (i.e. slight panic)....seriously. I need a fucking pill (well not a 'fucking pill', cuz i can do that quite well w/o pills, thank you, although i don't wanna ever do that with anyone other than blondie for the rest of my life, blondie was the ill shit...but a chill Pill with a capital P).

I gotta figure out a way to live and take in all that life offers without always wanting to share every cool thing that I experience with him. I have to learn to just work in the evenings without chatting with him. I need to experience, for more than a few hours, contentment and constructive work/ideas without bouncing my ideas off him, or listening to his. Like I said before, intellectually, spiritually and creatively, I gained so much from him, and shared so much with him...we are both non-mainstream, but yet know how to make clients and employers blissfully happy with our work. Plus, I was blissfully happy with blondie. So, this is beyond heartbreaking for me, and is more like learning to live without hands after having them your whole life.

Arrrgh!! Help!(?)

Tunes playing now: Sine Wave -- Mogwai
-------------------: Bodies -- Karate
-------------------: Kelly Watch The Stars -- Air

A Family Thing

I pinged blondie on IM tonite, and after a few minutes, he apologized for not getting right back to me...he said he was on the phone. I asked if he was making plans for coming to the US and he said yes, he will be here next week. I know he will be visiting his family, so I asked about them, how they were...here is the status: Sisters bday today...big 30! Happy BDay Krissy! Parents -- he hasn't talked to moms in over a week, dad much longer. Grandparents -- old and therefore going downhill.

I told him that this was weird, and he wanted to know what in heavens name I was referring to. (I have learned since our breakup that he is in active 'erasure' mode, and our past shall not be talked about anymore...it is like we didn't have a relationship. This pissed me off something fierce in the beginning, cuz what else do you talk about when you are apart, miss each other, and had previously been together for so long? Well, not that, once you're broken up with Dr. Azzmaster!) So it was hard for me to even say anything about this tonite for fear the beautiful little shit would yarb out on me, but thankfully, he did not. I asked about his family and said it was wierd us not being together, hearing about his family, and I was so sad that I would never meet his grandparents. I am sad because I have lost family with our breakup. I imagine he was thinking to himself that it is all my own fault, but he did not say anything mean. I also think he is sad about the whole thing, too.

...I wish things had turned out better with us and this situation.


Songs currently playing: Why'd You Want To Live Here -- DCFC
-----------------------: Don't Wanna Fall In Love -- Green Day
-----------------------: Strung Out Again -- Elliott Smith
-----------------------: The Ballad Of Red Buckets -- Yo La Tengo

Hopeless? Or Hella Brilliant?

Ok, so maybe I am hopeless. Not hardly a day goes by without me starting an IM conversation with blondie. Robert (a Very, Very, Very, VERY nice person, he wanted me to tell all three of you readers), feels the need to give me another slap for this. I am thinking most days that it is ok...cuz I think now I have come to terms with the fact that I am no longer going to be blondie's. But I am ok with keeping the friend thing alive...although it is me who is doing all of the heavy lifting so far. So, in the course of me IMing blondie, he has gotten much more normal, and less guarded. True, I always had to be the first one to say hi, but he never seemed annoyed that I contacted him, and most times, we chat for hours. I dunno what to think about the whole thing...I can't say it has been bad at all for our 'friendship'...so if friendship is the goal, then this is nothing short of being hella brilliant...lol

No seriously, wtf do you do in a situation like this? I miss him something fierce. And I know he is not over me, and says stupid things like he will come visit me in a few months...very stupid, but I think its indicative of how he still feels. And he spends so much time with me online. I dont expect to ever see him again, regardless of what he says, but I do not understand why I should let a basically decent friendship go down the drain just because I have had to be the one to start conversations with him so far? Things have only gotten better, and I've also gotten to a point that I'm not so stoopid about not being his, so conversations are taking on a fun tone again. I wont be able to chat with him next week cuz he will be out of town...actually here in the states to visit his family and then on a work related trip. So if I fall apart, this will be why...however, I am feeling just fine...thank you.

Excellent tunes currently playing on my playa: Love Will Tear Us Apart -- Joy Division
--------------------------------: Love Will Tear Us Apart -- Fall Out Boy
--------------------------------: NARC -- Interpol
--------------------------------: Alone in Kyoto -- Air

Flying Solo

So I've come to a point (at least at this hour of the day) that I can distance myself from the shock and pain of not being with the guy I expected to always be "the one". When I say distance, I mean that I wonder why everyone is so relationship-crazed anyway.

As I listen to advice from people telling me the 'benefits' of single life, I kinda think that it's not a bad trade-off to be single, shaping who I want to be, not answering to anyone, having the whole bed to myself most of the time and knowing that my heart will never be crushed again, nor will I ever crush anyone elses heart. That's totally not the worse thing...it actually kinda rules. Although, I must admit, the togetherness part was the ill shit, it was awesome. But the pain of breaking up sucks arse. I've kinda had it with the whole pain thing anyway.

I'm thinking, allright, blondie and i are done. So hows about I make this the last time anyone is ever done with me? Friends are good and sometimes even friends have to say goodbye to each other, but when "the one" is done with you, that is brutal to the extreme. I've had enough trauma for a lifetime. It's actually lowered my pain tolerance.

The bad thing is I wish I could chat with blondie about this over IM for hours...that is my poison. The way he thinks is so inspiring to me, I feel like I am being starved of something very important intellectually and spiritually without him.

On and fucking on this emotional merry-go-round goes...sigh...

Songs currently playing on my playa: The Late Greats -- Wilco
-------------------------------------: Glisten -- Isis
-------------------------------------: The New Hangout Condition -- Karate
-------------------------------------: The Voices -- Nada Surf
-------------------------------------: Taste The Poison -- Story of The Year
-------------------------------------: Wrong Way -- Sublime