Friends -- The Kind You Never Had/Will Have Sex With

So one of my very best friends Trevor, and another friend, Matty are coming over tonight to chill with me. Trev is in town for just a few days, and I am so excited to see him again. It will be a good visit, he is such a decent person, and one of my favorite artists. I used to love to go up to his studio/apartment and see his dailys and other artwork. He has an amazing style. I loved days at the coffee shop chatting with him and his posse, while I would watch in awe at his amazing talent as he sketched in his sketchbook. We used to spend a lot of time together...I used to tell blondie that he would like Trev.

Well last year I intoduced blondie to Trevor, and as expected, they became fast friends. Not a bad thing, in itself...the problem is that blondie is coming back to the states for a week or so, and will be in Trev's town. He emailed him to let him know and to see if they could hang one nite, and so Trevor is now experiencing the fucked up dual-loyalties I have tried to avoid.

Ehhhhh...I am so messed up from trying to handle this breakup without cracking, I am not sure if I can even be good company with Trev tonite knowing that he will probably be hanging out with blondie in a couple of weeks in sin city...which means lots of booze, hoes * , strip bars, gambling and such. Hahahaha...that sounds so much worse than it needed to, but it is called sin city for a reason. Sin city was a blast when blondie and I were together. I never minded when he and his buddies would rent the Hummer limo and do vegas. The dude (blondie) is the perfect gentleman, although he hung out with some that were more on the creepy side. But he was always totally trustworthy, and a few times, I even did the boys night out thing with them (which meant that I learned more about boy stuff than I think I really wanted to know...LOL) But now, there's no reason for him to be 'good'. The thought makes me kinda sick to my stomach...

(* link for the Brit, Robert...yet more terrible american slang)

Songs currently playing: Track 05 -- Pelican
-----------------------: I Miss You -- Blink 182

Saying Goodbye

I'm starting to realize that keeping a 'friendship' with blondie has been a painful exercise of continually tearing out the sutures helping to heal my broken heart.

There is no positive spin I can put on not being with him. And there is nothing I can do to keep our relationship alive.

But I will never give up, never stop loving him. There was something so comfortable and perfect about our interaction with each other. No one can ever replace that. There are no other 'blondies' out there for me, as a dear reader commented a few days ago.

But our new 'friendship' is not a friendship at all. Our history has been erased and we have no past to use as a basis for communication. We have self-inflicted amnesia, which makes a long distance friendship nearly impossible. So I am letting go...I am saying goodbye.

Before I completely bury all memories of us (to exhume only in my old age), I want to remember all the good times we had. They were almost all good. Until I fucked things up. Wish I could fix things. I still have so many things I want to share with him. But I know it's foolish to try.

I will adore you until my dying day, blondie. I'm so sorry for hurting you. Best to you, my love.

...(heaving sobs) i can't breathe. my heart is so heavy.

Songs currently playing: Homesick -- The Cure
-----------------------: Lurgee -- Radiohead
-----------------------: Whir -- Smashing Pumpkins
-----------------------: For Me This Is Heaven -- Jimmy Eat World

Nothing Hurts Worse Than...

Ok...so my friend Dave, who works near where I am staying, comes in once or twice a day to chat endlessly with me about nothing/everything. Anyway, we talked at least 2 hours today. When he left just a few minutes ago, he said, 'There are lots of kinds of pain in this world...and nothing hurts worse than a broken heart.' The funny thing about that is we were talking about physical pain...hahaha. I am not sure what prompted him to give me that bit of wisdom, but...what can I say? 'Ok, Dave'.

Earlier, my dear Robert told me that he has been following my blog, and I am so not over blondie, not matter how good I sound in real life. Well, I am not over blondie. Dont think I ever will be. But I am sick of thinking about him so much. Kinda wishing I could do the whole erasing thing (a la Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind)...seems like it would save a lot of time and pain. If doctors offered that service, I'd be first in line...sick of dealing with a broken heart. Dave was right. Nothing hurts worse than...it's so cheesy, I won't even repeat it...but dammit, he's right.

Songs currently playing: Narcolepsy -- Third Eye Blind
-----------------------: Caffeine Or Me? -- Karate
-----------------------: Amsterdam -- Coldplay

Unsent Emails

Oh gosh...I still have it so bad for blondie that I have a hard time letting go. I just want to talk to him and convince him to take me back...pathetic, I know. I dont think I live for him, I just never expected to live without him. Anyway, I compose so many emails to him, as I did while we were together, but before they would be conversations between us. Now they are just useless words from me to his inbox. He seldom replies to any emails that deal with our (non-) relationship anymore, so I have stopped sending them for the most part.

Today has started out really bad for me in terms of missing him. I composed yet another email, but know I can't send it to him. But I'm going to post it, and perhaps some future sad emails here, just to get them out and off my chest. I wanna be over this...not over him, but over the hurt...maybe this will help, maybe not.

Anyway, here's todays unsent email: "fuck dude...how do you do this without cracking? i need true friends right now, would like to keep you as one, and would like to talk more with you about us in the future. but in the meantime, i'm...i dunno. this is almost unbearable sometimes. i miss you.

as i have been writing this to you, the first snow of the season fell...for only a minute. huge, fluffy, feathery snowflakes...so beautiful."

I'm so nutz now, my email started out with "fuck" and ended with "beautiful"...hahaha, this woulda been a mistake to send. i hate what this breakup shiz is doing to me...UNCLE already!!


Songs currently playing: Such Great Heights (John Tejada Remix) -- The Postal Service
-----------------------: Styrofoam Plates -- Death Cab for Cutie
-----------------------: Know Your Onion! -- The Shins

A Bad Case of Art

So my ex boyfriend has started painting again...he has not touched a paintbrush the whole time I have known him. But after his last breakup, he painted the most heartbreaking images...

I am writing again...I have not written much about my feelings since I first met him.

We are going through parallel stages in dealing with our breakup. And we both chose to express our pain and loss artistically. It's like something contagious that we've both come down with.

Our time together was light, beautiful, magic. My heart is so black now that we are apart. Memories bring a warming ray of light into the cold darkness. I cherish the memories. Now that we are apart, memories remind me that I was once truly happy with another person...

He is busy erasing me from his memory bank. I don't think it will work flawlessly. I am not the kind of person one easily forgets.


Songs currently playing: AFK -- Pinback
-----------------------: Call It In The Air -- Jimmy Eat World

Just Friends?

Heh...so much to say with this one...but a pic is worth a thousand words.....lol

Do guys really like b*tches??

Ok, so in an effort to keep a "friendship" alive, I send blondie emails occasionally...he was always good about replying and sending me emails he composed first. But the past 2 weeks or so, he's totally dissed all of my emails and has not replied. So today I emailed him, and at the end I wrote something slightly pissy/bitchy like "i know you're busy erasing me from your memory, but are you ever going to answer anymore emails from me?" Well, the kid emails me back w/i 2 hours! WTF??? Do I need to be a B to get him back? or at least to really stay "just friends"??

Times I'll miss

Nights, weekends in his sweet arms...no more. Oh it hurts.




Songs currently playing: Wouldn't Mama Be Proud -- Elliott Smith
---------------------: A Time To Be So Small -- Interpol
---------------------: Tripoli (Ace Fu) -- Pinback

Never get used to this...

You and I have said goodbye, but I will never grow accustomed
to not seeing you sleeping next to me each weekend as I awaken

You and I are through, but I will never grow accustomed
to the newfound harshness of your manner formerly so kind to me

You and I are done, but I will never grow accustomed
to thinking about my future without you
----------

The sentiment in those words could be expressed so much more beautifully...but it's just not coming to me. I will never get accustomed to not being his anymore. I miss the kid terribly...

Songs currently playing: The Cold Part -- Modest Mouse
----------------------: Stockholm Syndrome -- Blink 182
---------------------: F*ck the Pain Away -- Peaches

Losing Family

I guess the hardest thing with breaking up with my b/f is that I feel like he was the only family I had...and now he has rejected me. I am an only child and was adopted and spent time in foster care...I spent much of my time growing up feeling a bit unsettled. I was always a little different than other kids growing up, because they had 'real' parents. I was able to overcome that by being brilliant in school. In fact, that was all that I could do to deal with the weirdness that comes with being raised by parents that did not give birth to me. I was a serious overachiever. Anyway, in romantic relationships throughout the years after college, I became close to guys, but never did have any that I could feel comfortable enough with to feel like they were truly family -- like we had merged our lives/hearts/minds so completely that it felt like we were blood...until blondie. And with this breakup, I am so beyond destroyed...and I dont blame him -- just the inevitable pain that an adult who was passed around as a kid usually has if they are rejected. Everyone feels pain when they are rejected, I just think there is already a weakness when a kid is rejected by their parents...i dunno. I feel like I lost the last of my family when I lost him. Devastatingly sad...

Here's todays stifled writing:


when i contemplate the loss of you
i wonder if the sun will rise again tomorrow

as i endlessly grieve for you
i wonder if i will always feel dead inside

my homesickness for you
is so painful it makes me ill




Songs currently playing: Torches -- Rise Against

-----------------------: Chocky -- Mogwai
-----------------------: Radical Adults Lick Godhead Style -- Sonic Youth