Breakup Distraction Therapy

Going thru a really funky low point this weekend...missing him, feeling bad. Think my exbf has turned a corner, not online for the past few days (i.e, he has prolly blocked me, i'm pretty positive he's online). He's got lots to keep him busy, plus this breakup has been exhausting. Unfortuately, we will need to contact each other again cuz we still have some shit to take care of, but I think it's pretty mutual that our feelings are too raw to do the just friends thing with any success right now.

One thing about bad breakups is the amazing power they have to make a person totally fucking helpless. Seriously, this once workaholic freelancer is totally pathetic now. It's so much easier to read other breakup stories online, create ridiculously angry/sad playlists, sketch on Artpad, and cry like a baby than it is to get my shit back together again and focus on work. IMO the only thing that really works is BDT, Breakup Distraction Therapy (i'm taking credit for coining this phrase).

So Trevor, the dude I've had a crush on and wanted to snog for like 3 years straight (but didn't cuz I don't want to ruin our friendship) is a master at BDT. We don't live in the same state anymore, so dude turns on his webcam and MAKES me forget about blondie...if i start talking about blondie, he tells me that blondie is a fool to let me go, even considering the circumstances, and that i deserve someone who would support me and love me. And he offers himself...hahaha. It's so cute. I love it. The thing is, I know it means nothing, we've been doing this since we first met each other, but for some reason now, it does so much for me. We've been there for each other through various failed relationships, each of us hating the others loser (but hot) ex's. And after all this time, he is still there for me...And, as evidence that BDT works, I'm even trying to be there for him while he deals with a LD relationship which is looking not so great right now. Go me.

Anyhoo, so that little slice of BDT is awesome, but if I become too dependent on Trev and local friends and they're unavailable, then I seriously think that I'm fucked. Being in front of this god forsaken computer too long is totally keeping me a cry baby, pathetic exgf. But as a last resort, I guess the whole Artpad thing is prolly healing...and the right kind of music (i.e. not breakup songs...but perhaps a little stoner metal...hehe) might also be a good form of BDT.

Songs playing during this therapeutic post:
Crush -- Smashing Pumpkins
Ups & Downs -- Saves the Day
Remember -- Air
Birds in The Subway -- The Red Thread
You Don't Send Me -- Belle & Sebastian
Hypnotise -- The White Stripes
Rid of Me -- P.J. Harvey

In Search of the Past

A couple of months ago my boyfriend, the guy who I still adore, broke up with me.

This blog has been my great big virtual shoulder to cry on...my sounding board to bitch, to deal/not deal with being apart from my exboyfriend, to reminisce over our sweet life together...while it lasted.

The hardest part of this whole experience is that I've learned that we can never go back. All of the sweet memories, the little objects still left over from our time together, the many, many photos, emails, and IMs, even the strained relationships with our mutual friends...none of these remnants of our life together can ever bring back what we lost.

I guess through this blog I have been attempting to capture again what I reluctantly admit has long passed me by. I believe it was the only true love that I will ever know. At least, the only one with the most promise; the one that would shatter all barriers, and become epoch. The one that could make our future grandchildren truly believe in love while living in a world full of superficiality. The One. For me, blondie was The One. Gone now.

I am so sad for this to be over. Just wanna smoke, crank up my music and forget everything for tonite. Then wake up tomorrow all better...aint gonna happen. Reality is, I don't need anyone. I'm fine on my own.

Cranking the music...sigh.

The Beginning and The End -- Isis
Looking For You In Me -- Hayden
I Am Trying To Break Your Heart -- Wilco
Run Down The Stairs -- Beat Happening
Make Out Kids -- Motion City Soundtrack sigh...he's updated his profile
Napoleon Solo -- At The Drive-In

STALKER MODE: ON

Is it just me, or does everyone stalk their ex's in their spare time? hahaha...i don't really mean to, but I know where he/we used to hang out, and when I happen upon any of those sites, I always find myself looking for his posts, etc.

hahaha...that's so bad...i gotta stop that shite. too much information is sometimes a bad thing. he's so fucking adorable, i'm sure some hottie girl (or old gf) is chatting him up already...i gotta not see that shit. that would seriously suck.

so STALKER MODE: OFF.

...unless there is some hella intelligent, (preferably punk) hottie out there that wants to get stalked ;) hahaha...j/k. calm yerself down

Unwritten

I am a freelancer and work all sorts of crazy hours...which is good and bad. Today, it is kinda bad cuz I got up early to work and now have some free time to let my mind wander...thinking bout blondie again, as ever.

Our time together was full of soul-jogging, spirit lifting experiences. When i was with blondie, my world wobbled on its axis a bit. He captured my soul.

But our life was very quiet and private...neither one of us are really into too much attention from others. So our story will probably always go unwritten...yet it consumes my soul.

Ohhh gosh, i wonder if he knows how amazing/different/beautiful/something more/excellent he really is. He is rare in the world. I will always adore him.
We had a relationship of dreams...A grand success.

A bold failure...sigh

For me, an everlasting love.

Get this short tearjerking breakup playlist:

This Mess We're In -- P.J. Harvey featuring Thom Yorke
The New -- Interpol
Tears Are In Your Eyes -- Yo La Tengo
This Woman's Work -- Kate Bush
Losing True -- Ida
The Scientist -- Coldplay
Heartbeats -- Jose Gonzalez
Everlong -- Foo Fighters

Gifts Already

The best part of this time of year is gifts (getting and giving)...the worst part is that I'm spending xmas away from my (ex)guy. I am reeeaalllyy missing him bad. Totally a depressing time to be away from the people you love.

Well, today I got my first winter gift (the card said that it was a cheer up gift, not a xmas gift, so I could open it right away). Anyhoo, it was positively yummy...it was San Joaquin Valley Farm's Season's Greetings Pistachio/Almond Pack. Good stuff! I would definitely recommend this as a xmas gift for anyone on your gift list...I really loved this package.

Next, I got this hella tear-jerking CD of songs from my friend Alex. She is kinda also offering her shoulder to help me deal with this breakup from blondie. And anyone who has known me for any amount of time and sees me for 2 minutes can't help but feel sorry, cuz I still just cry whenever I talk about him...I'm so emo...actually pretty pathetic. And, then with xmas coming...oh man.

Anyhoo, better get back to work...deadlines are looming. Blog ya lata.
(Damn, if I could only see past these tears, I could get done a lot faster....thanks a lot Alex...just what i needed. Holy crap, sarah mclaughlin...girly, your lyrics are killing me - right on the money...I'm totally gonna have to listen to my angry punk songs after this...)

Commitment Phobe?

Ok, so now that I'm kinda dealing with this breakup, I've gotten a little more introspective. I always thought I was a pretty perfect girlfriend...but I did a really bad thing which led to our breakup...a sin of omission. Not quite so perfect...

I totally obsessed over this once it all came out, but I guess a lot of us do stuff that mess even very good relationships up, right?

Before I met blondie, I had been burned a few times, and I was a major committment-phobe before we got serious. In fact, I was still afraid of committment even once we had been dating for a while...sometimes I wonder if this was some bizzaro unconscious way to keep from getting into a serious committment again. I kinda doubt it, but I'm thinking out loud about a lot of heavy shiz related to this breakup.

Oh, and re: my last post...I guess we are still officially talking to each other...the "just friends" bit is still ON. (long story...short version: I am a spazz)

Tunes spinning:

An Honest Mistake -- The Bravery
Under the Covers -- 88 Fingers Louie (hey, blondie either played a show with these guys or knows them or something...hahaha...it was a long time ago)
This Could Be Love -- Alkaline Trio
Loose Lips Sink Ships -- A Change of Pace

Permanent IM Block (I Think)

Block, unblock...where are we now? Hmmm, it's been a few days, looks like I'm at IM block #75.

I kinda think that now he has finally blocked me too...he's only been online for a few minutes today, and he is always on all weekend, all the time...has been for all the time I've known him.

I always seem to break down on the weekend and say hi to him. I did again. Was not good this time, cuz we have a lot of shit to still deal with. We did. It went bad. Although he wished me a happy bday. I asked if that was the only reason we talked as long as we did. He said no. He promised to talk to me soon. But now he's a no-show. I think it's a block. That's alright.

There has been so much we've chatted about over the past few days, and things are going downhill very fast. Its pretty bad that we've been apart for months now, and yet our conversations are still so emotionally charged and go bad. I guess the IM ended ok, cuz he was very dilligent about saying that we would talk later. But I woke up today and just had to email him. I sent him a a hella long email, pages long.

I think I must sound like a broken record. There is nothing new to say to him about the trouble we had. I did him wrong. I lied about a big thing. There were reasons I did. Not good enough reasons. He was hurt. And he won't forgive. Yet he won't turn his back completely on me either. I am heartbroken. I just don't know how to feel ok about this. I've got to find a way to quit clinging so desperately to him and the past. I need to find a way to just accept that he does not want to forgive me. I fucked up and have to pay the price. I just wish I could pay the price, and be with him still.

I need a plan.

This is so bad it deserves another shite breakup playlist. Get the songs here:
1. Homesick - Kings Of Convenience
2. Smoke - Alkaline Trio
3. Nightingale - Saves The Day
4. 12.23.95 - Jimmy Eat World
5. Down, Set, Go! - Underoath
6. Forever - As I Lay Dying
7. Hurt - Johnny Cash
8. Alone In A World Without You - Glasseater
9. Autumns Monologue - From Autumn To Ashes
10. Mistakes We Knew We Were Making - Mae
11. Promise - Matchbook Romance
12. The Ghost Of You - My Chemical Romance
13. Beautiful World - Rage Against The Machine
14. Unorchestrated (Live) - Hey Mercedes
15. Alone In Kyoto - Air (Pop)
16. Buried A Lie - Senses Fail
17. Run - Snow Patrol
18. I Miss You - Blink 182
19. I Keep A Diary - Braid
20. Wishful Thinking - Wilco
21. Crush - Smashing Pumpkins
22. We Laugh Indoors - Death Cab For Cutie
23. Heartbeats - Jose Gonzalez
24. Homesick - The Cure