11/19/2005

What Is Love?

I once got the line, 'I love you. But probably not the way you think'.

Yeah, it was Blondie.

I was thinking about this last nite. He is not one to express himself much verbally about his feelings. He is of the opinion that you should show how you feel more than speak pointless words. I totally agree. People throw around i love you's too much...and they are usually full of shit. Most people really dont know the meaning of the word..but I think Blondie might be pretty close. (Of course, can he do no wrong??)

Anyway, I'm just trying to make sense of this whole breakup/friends thing...I know he cares a lot about me even now. But I do not fully understand his reasons for keeping me around as a friend. Cuz we are not even in the same country anymore -- it's not like we will be fuck buddies, and I wouldn't want to do that anyway if we are broken up. I don't really see what he gets out of staying friends. I get something out of it -- my hopes stay up that we may perhaps get back together. And he is the single most brilliant person I have met so far, so I benefit from the association. But I don't get what is keeping him connected to me. He's not like your average guy, so I don't really have a frame of reference to compare him to...which is one thing I totally dig about him, but it is clearly good and bad.

So I am wondering if his rationale for keeping me as a friend (albeit, not EVEN a close one anymore), is that he does still kinda 'love' me? Not the sexual/passionate kind of love, but the type of love that cares about a person's well being. The totally cerebral type of love (not an oxymoron -- seriously). The kind of love that is much more boring and sedate...but the only kind that lasts. Is that really even considered love by definition anymore?

Hahaha, part of me thinks that is total shite, but I dont know what else to think. And if I just go by the way he acts, he seems to be truly concerned with me as a person. And he did mention that if we got back together, things would take time. But on the other hand, he said he didn't really know me. But he did know me. Hurts that he is making things so black and white. So sad and fucked up. I'm crushed.

I dunno. I am so confused, I almost can't even be arsed with it anymore. At least not tonite.

11/18/2005

Yo Ho!

Geezus...someone took Trev's sex fantasy blog idea seriously...hahaha. I got a very steamy trailer trash-esque story by IM this morning. Oh lord...I need a cold shower. haha

Keep sending me stories everyone...I just might have to start the fantasy blog. I'd add them here, but they're definitely not appropriate for this weak-azz, cry baby, breakup blog.

11/17/2005

Blondie...



One thing I love/hate about Gmail is how much storage it has...AND how it sorts emails by 'conversations'. Blondie and I have soo many gmail conversations...hundreds since gmail started. I just spent the last hour torturing myself by reading over many of these emails...God, as I go thru all of these emails, it looks to me like we have an epoch love story in the making...how could he want it to be over? aarrrghhh. I just need to quit being such a sniveling, pathetic freak and get over him already.

I have had so many fun experiences lately that have helped me get my mind off blondie...I mean one of a kind, amazing, unlikely and unexpected experiences...hahaha...(yeah trevor, i'm talking bout your contribution, my friend...thank you). And I also now have my hands on paints, paper, brushes and pencils...again thanks to trevor. Good times. I've also got my constant companion Robert, who has probably done more in terms of time spent to be a good friend and help me get over blondie than everyone put together...So I actually don't have many reasons to spend nights like this anymore...I have people who will keep me busy and I have activities and work that do the same thing. But I fucking miss Blondie so bad, I am stoopid. I totally need to find a way to make it past this for more than 1 or 2 days at a time. I was pretty good till tonite...nitetime is the worse.

I haven't actually spoken to blondie for over a month...only IM and email. I want to hear his voice again. I look at that hot pic of his mouth, and I realize yet once more that I am just not ready to let go...and it's obvious that I need to be. Another fucking live meltdown....Oh, it hurts...


Whats playin on my playa tonite: Remain Relaxed -- Karate
Absolute Zero Drive -- Hey Mercedes
A Dozen Roses -- Braid
Tiny Cities Made of Ashes -- Modest Mouse
Roses In The Car (Remix) -- Braid
A-List Actress -- Hey Mercedes
Beautiful World -- Rage Against the Machine
Prevent This Tragedy -- Alkaline Trio

11/16/2005

Weenie Beanie


Very stretchy...I saw it in action tonite!!

My sweet ex-boyfriend/friend Blondie is prolly getting a faceful of professional titty-shakin in vegas...i got a screenful of...well, a weanie beanie....hahahaha...HOTT

Friends -- The Kind You Never Had/Will Have Sex With -- Part Deux

So today I get this package from my sweetie Trevor of "Friends -- The Kind You Never Had/Will Have Sex With" fame. When I opened it and saw what it was, I cried for about 10 minutes...lol. It was watercolor stuff...and we all know that I need a creative outlet. He is such a sweetie.

Anyhoo, so he told me that he didn't like that title (the never had/will have sex one). He said that he will 'get me' (i.e. sex me up) one of these days...ROTFLMAO. And I should start a blog of our new fantasy sex life.

So, of course, I'm thinking blondie needs to send me my rabbit immediately!! (c;

So...in my sexual fantasy of my f*ck buddy, Trevor (who is a hella hottie!!!)...i take his throbbing d....hahahaha...maybe later. (i'm still seing blondie's face...dammit!!) hey trev, do you care if i accidently call out blondie's name while...you know? (c;

Songs I'm fantasizing to: Sexy Boy -- Air
---: Diddle My Skittle -- Peaches
---: Horses In My Dreams -- PJ Harvey

11/15/2005

New Addiction

I think I am newly addicted to Blogthings...anything to get my mind off that sweet exbf...
heres one quiz I took...



You Are French Food

Snobby yet ubiquitous.
People act like they understand you more than they actually do.


Oh lord! Cheesy as can be...
Off to take another quiz!
Blog ya lata.

Songs playing: Courduroy -- Karate
---: Dig Your Grave -- Modest Mouse
---: Mercy Me -- Alkaline Trio
---: It's Been A Blast -- Hey Mercedes

LNews: Other Voices: The Slow Motion Breakup

Excellent breakup post...can't say it's actually any easier for hetero couples, as the author implies...but this is a good read...Only thing that made me smile today.

Post-Breakup Playlist

Post-Breakup Playlist: "So over the past couple of days, I have created this playlist of songs...some make me miss my exbf hella desperately, some just put me in chill mode, others help me get back to work and move on. I love all of these songs and wanted to blog them so I wont forget them later.

The list has, among others, Braid and Karate..2 bands I wish would've never broken up...(ohhh, that breakup thing again. LOL.) Ok, I guess to put things in perspective, when Braid disbanded, the artists went on to form other bands also listed in my playlist, and they actually rule pretty hard...just not the same as Braid...thats the evolution of breaking up and moving on, I guess."