Creep

I just started thinking what if Blondie finds this blog someday in the future? Will he think I am a complete and total creep? Hahaha, I am wondering what I would think if he wrote shite like this in a new personal blog and I happened upon it someday. I think I would kinda feel sorry for him...and I don't want him to feel sorry for me. I am dealing with not being with him, it's just that I'm the one at fault for our breakup, and I really love(d) him, so this is a lot harder than it should be.

I don't think he could possibly find this without searching for very specific terms, cuz there is little personally identifying info here...but I will continue to pray to the Blog Godz for anonymity so I can keep dumping for all of you strangers to read ;)

"I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo..." hahaha

Prequel

Sigur Ros rules.

So today I am listening to the old Sigur Ros CD, Von. I have not listened to this CD since before blondie and I became an item...the last time I heard this CD, blondie and I were talking quite a bit, but I was actively dating other guys...I was really afraid that I was falling for him too fast, so it was my whole purpose in life not to do that...and I was on a mission to find some other dude who was smarter/sexier/more beautiful/funnier/had more in common with me/etc. (didn't work, btw)

I also had not yet moved to his state, and was living with a couple other girls in the "Chick Pad", an amazing, huge 3 bd apartment at the mouth of the canyon that I paid only $300/mo. for, including utilities, since we split the $1k/mo. rent 3 ways, paying different amounts depending on which bedroom we had (roommates can be awesome sometimes).

I remember at that time being so content with being single. I was happy and was successful in my work without a guy. I had no need for anyone, but dating and going out was fun and kept my roomies from feeling like I neglected them too much for work. I used to listen to this Sigur Ros CD a lot then.

I had one experience meeting a guy that was a friend of a guy my roommate had dated (hahaha, confusing, i know)...we just bumped into him at a bar, and after the bar had closed down, he asked me to drive him home for some stoopid reason...after we got there, he invited me in...we sat down on his completely shite sofa which had a whole piece of it blown out, or something, in front of his 52" plasma tv...and ummm, talked. then he told me that he had spent some time in Paris, and he started massaging my back...which was really making me feel relaxed. Then he did this totally smooth thing where he was kissing me before I knew it...AND, (this is for you Robert), this is why I decided that I MUST live in France, if this is how French men kiss...OMFG, no one has ever kissed me like that. We sat there on his sofa and kissed...for 4 hours! Hahaha, it was pretty damn amazing...the only thing is, I didn't really care that much about him, he was not hella brilliant, and that is a prerequisite for a second date. He was a rich, spoiled brat, and that doesn't impress me since I have a job and earn my own money. But, goddam, the kid could kiss. If all Parisians kiss like that, then its no wonder that you find so many pics of people kissing in Paris.

Anyhoo, hearing this Sigur Ros CD brought back good memories. I was very happy before we started going out, and I kinda needed to remember life before blondie, the prequel...kinda good cuz it helps me see that life after blondie can be good too...i know this is good, but I kinda feel bad cuz I will always love that dude, and I am trying to be happy without him...it's good but weird at the same time.

Songs playing: Syndir Guos (Opinberun Ferlsarans) -- Sigur Ros
-------------: Seaglopur -- Sigur Ros
-------------: Prototype -- Outkast
-------------: The State I Am In -- Belle and Sebastian

PS - talked to him tonite for prolly the last time on IM. he has moved on. time for me to do the same.

The Break, The Sequels

Blehhh. It is so hard to make the 'break'. Its time, though. This has been hard on our mutual friends, his family, my mom, and us. This is confusing and seriously torturous to me, and maybe to him too. And most of all, I don't want to hurt him again ever. So I realize there is no other good choice but for me to deal with this breakup, and let go already so we can move on with our lives separately, and...its so fucking hard to do that I almost can't even type it...goddam I fucked up things so bad. fuck. I am so angry with myself.

I never meant to hurt you, blondie.

I think I just want to be left alone for a bit. Although one of my friends from back east is coming to visit me in a couple of days...I will likely burden her with my misery the way I did Trevor. But he hugged me, gave me flowers, chocolate, painted an amazing piece of art for me and told me he loved me. It did make me feel stronger to know that he will still be a part of my life. Sometimes I feel like my whole world will be ripped away from me if I let go of blondie. And that isn't true. I've got true friends that I've known before blondie that have been here for me, and they are my blood now. They are my life.


Songs I'm crying to tonite: Homesick -- The Cure
----: Alive -- VHS Or Beta
----: Nothing Better -- The Postal Service
----: Pitseleh -- Elliott Smith
----: You -- Radiohead
----: Every Thug Needs A Lady -- The Alkaline Trio
----: Love Will Tear Us Apart -- Joy Division
----: Like The Angel -- Rise Against
----: Everything Reminds Me Of Her -- Elliott Smith
----: Everything Means Nothing To Me -- Elliott Smith
----: A Movie Script Ending -- DCFC
----: Smoke -- The Alkaline Trio
----: Stockholm Syndrome Interlude -- Blink 182
----: I Better Be Quiet Now -- Elliott Smith

Songs I'm feeling stronger to (or at least not crying to):
----: Crawl -- The Alkaline Trio
----: Hating in "D" -- (?) -- Some Songs From The Kill Rock Stars Singles
----: Line & Sinker -- Billy Talent
----: Wake Up, Decide -- Karate
----: Wishful Thinking -- Wilco
----: Soothe -- Smashing Pumpkins
----: In Cairo -- Hot Hot Heat
----: It's True That We Love One Another -- The White Stripes

GD, I cannot help thinking how incredibly ridiculous I am right now...I am so pathetic and he is so strong and focused on getting on with life. I'm ready to do that too, kinda (that is always a bad sign...usually happens that a sequel follows "kinda").

I just pray to the Blog Godz that blondie remains much too busy and important to find this piece of shite, whiny-azz, ridiculously sad blog, cuz there is likely much more to add. I will never be over that guy.

Why are my memories of our time together so intense? I wish I could put them to sleep...

Hello My Name Is...

Hello my name is Jenn and I am a blondie-aholic.

Holy shit. I know this is true.

I am totally kidding myself to think that being the only one to initiate conversations between blondie and I is a good thing. I am totally deficient in my thinking to imagine that this is keeping our friendship alive.

I don't want to go into how stupid it was for me to think that was ok.

And honestly, the only reason I am coming to a more lucid realization of this now is because next week I won't be able to chat with him at all, and I am experiencing anticipatory withdrawals (i.e. slight panic)....seriously. I need a fucking pill (well not a 'fucking pill', cuz i can do that quite well w/o pills, thank you, although i don't wanna ever do that with anyone other than blondie for the rest of my life, blondie was the ill shit...but a chill Pill with a capital P).

I gotta figure out a way to live and take in all that life offers without always wanting to share every cool thing that I experience with him. I have to learn to just work in the evenings without chatting with him. I need to experience, for more than a few hours, contentment and constructive work/ideas without bouncing my ideas off him, or listening to his. Like I said before, intellectually, spiritually and creatively, I gained so much from him, and shared so much with him...we are both non-mainstream, but yet know how to make clients and employers blissfully happy with our work. Plus, I was blissfully happy with blondie. So, this is beyond heartbreaking for me, and is more like learning to live without hands after having them your whole life.

Arrrgh!! Help!(?)

Tunes playing now: Sine Wave -- Mogwai
-------------------: Bodies -- Karate
-------------------: Kelly Watch The Stars -- Air

A Family Thing

I pinged blondie on IM tonite, and after a few minutes, he apologized for not getting right back to me...he said he was on the phone. I asked if he was making plans for coming to the US and he said yes, he will be here next week. I know he will be visiting his family, so I asked about them, how they were...here is the status: Sisters bday today...big 30! Happy BDay Krissy! Parents -- he hasn't talked to moms in over a week, dad much longer. Grandparents -- old and therefore going downhill.

I told him that this was weird, and he wanted to know what in heavens name I was referring to. (I have learned since our breakup that he is in active 'erasure' mode, and our past shall not be talked about anymore...it is like we didn't have a relationship. This pissed me off something fierce in the beginning, cuz what else do you talk about when you are apart, miss each other, and had previously been together for so long? Well, not that, once you're broken up with Dr. Azzmaster!) So it was hard for me to even say anything about this tonite for fear the beautiful little shit would yarb out on me, but thankfully, he did not. I asked about his family and said it was wierd us not being together, hearing about his family, and I was so sad that I would never meet his grandparents. I am sad because I have lost family with our breakup. I imagine he was thinking to himself that it is all my own fault, but he did not say anything mean. I also think he is sad about the whole thing, too.

...I wish things had turned out better with us and this situation.


Songs currently playing: Why'd You Want To Live Here -- DCFC
-----------------------: Don't Wanna Fall In Love -- Green Day
-----------------------: Strung Out Again -- Elliott Smith
-----------------------: The Ballad Of Red Buckets -- Yo La Tengo

Hopeless? Or Hella Brilliant?

Ok, so maybe I am hopeless. Not hardly a day goes by without me starting an IM conversation with blondie. Robert (a Very, Very, Very, VERY nice person, he wanted me to tell all three of you readers), feels the need to give me another slap for this. I am thinking most days that it is ok...cuz I think now I have come to terms with the fact that I am no longer going to be blondie's. But I am ok with keeping the friend thing alive...although it is me who is doing all of the heavy lifting so far. So, in the course of me IMing blondie, he has gotten much more normal, and less guarded. True, I always had to be the first one to say hi, but he never seemed annoyed that I contacted him, and most times, we chat for hours. I dunno what to think about the whole thing...I can't say it has been bad at all for our 'friendship'...so if friendship is the goal, then this is nothing short of being hella brilliant...lol

No seriously, wtf do you do in a situation like this? I miss him something fierce. And I know he is not over me, and says stupid things like he will come visit me in a few months...very stupid, but I think its indicative of how he still feels. And he spends so much time with me online. I dont expect to ever see him again, regardless of what he says, but I do not understand why I should let a basically decent friendship go down the drain just because I have had to be the one to start conversations with him so far? Things have only gotten better, and I've also gotten to a point that I'm not so stoopid about not being his, so conversations are taking on a fun tone again. I wont be able to chat with him next week cuz he will be out of town...actually here in the states to visit his family and then on a work related trip. So if I fall apart, this will be why...however, I am feeling just fine...thank you.

Excellent tunes currently playing on my playa: Love Will Tear Us Apart -- Joy Division
--------------------------------: Love Will Tear Us Apart -- Fall Out Boy
--------------------------------: NARC -- Interpol
--------------------------------: Alone in Kyoto -- Air

Flying Solo

So I've come to a point (at least at this hour of the day) that I can distance myself from the shock and pain of not being with the guy I expected to always be "the one". When I say distance, I mean that I wonder why everyone is so relationship-crazed anyway.

As I listen to advice from people telling me the 'benefits' of single life, I kinda think that it's not a bad trade-off to be single, shaping who I want to be, not answering to anyone, having the whole bed to myself most of the time and knowing that my heart will never be crushed again, nor will I ever crush anyone elses heart. That's totally not the worse thing...it actually kinda rules. Although, I must admit, the togetherness part was the ill shit, it was awesome. But the pain of breaking up sucks arse. I've kinda had it with the whole pain thing anyway.

I'm thinking, allright, blondie and i are done. So hows about I make this the last time anyone is ever done with me? Friends are good and sometimes even friends have to say goodbye to each other, but when "the one" is done with you, that is brutal to the extreme. I've had enough trauma for a lifetime. It's actually lowered my pain tolerance.

The bad thing is I wish I could chat with blondie about this over IM for hours...that is my poison. The way he thinks is so inspiring to me, I feel like I am being starved of something very important intellectually and spiritually without him.

On and fucking on this emotional merry-go-round goes...sigh...

Songs currently playing on my playa: The Late Greats -- Wilco
-------------------------------------: Glisten -- Isis
-------------------------------------: The New Hangout Condition -- Karate
-------------------------------------: The Voices -- Nada Surf
-------------------------------------: Taste The Poison -- Story of The Year
-------------------------------------: Wrong Way -- Sublime

Possibly Maybe

So am I going to have to totally stop listening to my music to be able to deal with not being with blondie anymore? I'm sick of being so heartbroken over him already...but today so many songs I'm listening to are rushing in memories of our time together...They're completely making me feel religious...

Possibly Maybe -- Bjork. Memories of our first months together, our first 'experiences' together. The rumble of the El a couple of blocks away. Wicker Park. Saturday morning in his room.

Nightwaves -- VHS or Beta. Reminds me of the time I lived in his apartment while he was in another country taking a new job. A guy who colored my hair loaned me his copy of this cd cuz I told him I dug The Cure. Blondie thinks this band kinda sucks, but I was there in his place all alone so I played the cd till I was sick of it. Reminds me of the area he designed as his home office and the awesome brick wall it faced. I pretty much lived there all winter while I paid rent at my own apartment...there are sooo many memories there.

Life Like Weeds -- Modest Mouse. Reminds me of rides in his car. The Moon & Antartica was always my favorite MM album. When he/we moved out of the country, he got his first car. We previously lived in a big city and had no need for one. This album got a lot of play in his car. (Goddam, I miss that guy.) We used to drive for miles just to go shopping. He was a shopaholic. One day though, after a ridiculously long drive to shop, he saw signs for a yard sale. It was a Sunday, and I was ready to go home already. Plus, we were out in the middle of nowhere North America. But that was the point to him. Since we were in the middle of nowhere and there was a yardsale, how could we not go?? lol. So we did, and when we got out of the car to start looking at stuff, the lady who was in charge of the yard sale told us that everything was free. I totally thought she was joking, but she said that she had made what she wanted to from the church sponsored yard sale, and now she just wanted to get rid of as much as she could, so she was giving everything away for free. Oh my hell, I got a sweet bike, dishes, kitchen stuff, purses/bags, a shoe rack...i dunno, all sorts of stuff. So blondie then gave me shit for a long time for not wanting to stop at that yardsale when I found so much good stuff...hahaha. Good times. Sigh...

The Beginning And The End -- Isis. Actually, anything by Isis. This is one of his favorite bands. I used to laugh when he would be sitting at his desk at home, and when Isis would come on, he would air drum...lol. Fucking adorable.

We Laughed Indoors -- Death Cab For Cutie. This song kills me...but also kinda makes me laugh cuz he totally thinks DCFC sucks. He's seriously a punk music snob. He has excellent taste, but he could ease up on his strictness a bit, I think. This song is almost painful for me to listen to. Reminds me so much of all of our time together, and now. Now that we are apart and I cannot tell him that I adore him. This is sad...I'm totally back to the tears...aarrghh.

Farewell Ride -- Beck. This album by Beck, Guero, was another drive-time favorite. Plus the title is a killer, considering our circumstances.

Vibrate -- Outkast. WTF? This kid has waaay too much music on his iPod. Almost always on random. The Velvet Underground, then Outkast?? Hahaha. I got my hip hop education after meeting him. I have watched the indie/punk scene forever, and knew too little about rap, but I started to dig it after hearing some of the stuff he has on the iPod.

Everything In Its Right Place -- RadioHead. His old apartment. Weekend afternoons together in bed. 'Chicago Combo' lessons. Krissy & Suhail poking their heads in the door to chat for a few minutes. Green Papaya delivery.

I will never be over that man...
At some point, when he can, I hope he will remember all of the sweet times we had and smile. In the meantime, I don't want to give him anything else negative to think about. I have to let him go completely. But I will always, always love him. He is the love of my life. The time we had together was the most precious gift I have ever recieved, and I will always be grateful that I got to know his heart and was loved by him.

Friends -- The Kind You Never Had/Will Have Sex With

So one of my very best friends Trevor, and another friend, Matty are coming over tonight to chill with me. Trev is in town for just a few days, and I am so excited to see him again. It will be a good visit, he is such a decent person, and one of my favorite artists. I used to love to go up to his studio/apartment and see his dailys and other artwork. He has an amazing style. I loved days at the coffee shop chatting with him and his posse, while I would watch in awe at his amazing talent as he sketched in his sketchbook. We used to spend a lot of time together...I used to tell blondie that he would like Trev.

Well last year I intoduced blondie to Trevor, and as expected, they became fast friends. Not a bad thing, in itself...the problem is that blondie is coming back to the states for a week or so, and will be in Trev's town. He emailed him to let him know and to see if they could hang one nite, and so Trevor is now experiencing the fucked up dual-loyalties I have tried to avoid.

Ehhhhh...I am so messed up from trying to handle this breakup without cracking, I am not sure if I can even be good company with Trev tonite knowing that he will probably be hanging out with blondie in a couple of weeks in sin city...which means lots of booze, hoes * , strip bars, gambling and such. Hahahaha...that sounds so much worse than it needed to, but it is called sin city for a reason. Sin city was a blast when blondie and I were together. I never minded when he and his buddies would rent the Hummer limo and do vegas. The dude (blondie) is the perfect gentleman, although he hung out with some that were more on the creepy side. But he was always totally trustworthy, and a few times, I even did the boys night out thing with them (which meant that I learned more about boy stuff than I think I really wanted to know...LOL) But now, there's no reason for him to be 'good'. The thought makes me kinda sick to my stomach...

(* link for the Brit, Robert...yet more terrible american slang)

Songs currently playing: Track 05 -- Pelican
-----------------------: I Miss You -- Blink 182

Saying Goodbye

I'm starting to realize that keeping a 'friendship' with blondie has been a painful exercise of continually tearing out the sutures helping to heal my broken heart.

There is no positive spin I can put on not being with him. And there is nothing I can do to keep our relationship alive.

But I will never give up, never stop loving him. There was something so comfortable and perfect about our interaction with each other. No one can ever replace that. There are no other 'blondies' out there for me, as a dear reader commented a few days ago.

But our new 'friendship' is not a friendship at all. Our history has been erased and we have no past to use as a basis for communication. We have self-inflicted amnesia, which makes a long distance friendship nearly impossible. So I am letting go...I am saying goodbye.

Before I completely bury all memories of us (to exhume only in my old age), I want to remember all the good times we had. They were almost all good. Until I fucked things up. Wish I could fix things. I still have so many things I want to share with him. But I know it's foolish to try.

I will adore you until my dying day, blondie. I'm so sorry for hurting you. Best to you, my love.

...(heaving sobs) i can't breathe. my heart is so heavy.

Songs currently playing: Homesick -- The Cure
-----------------------: Lurgee -- Radiohead
-----------------------: Whir -- Smashing Pumpkins
-----------------------: For Me This Is Heaven -- Jimmy Eat World