PXXI Day 10: I Won't Cry Over Him Anymore

That's what I want to say. Yet with almost every inhale tears stream down my cheeks.

I don't think he's darkening his pillow with tears over me at night anymore.

I can't talk or think about him anymore today. This breakup...everything surrounding it, is something I don't think I'll ever understand.

I will never be over him. He is the most amazing man ever. What a privilege that I got to know him and spent time together with him. I don't want it to be over.

But life is moving on. Another year coming to an end.

Here's wishing all of you a Happy New Year.

Cheers

PXXI Rules : Just to Refocus Again

Ok kids, I'm reposting the pxxi rules so I/we can get refocused on what we're doing:

1: No contact with the ex for a minimum of 21 days.
2: No drunk dialing/texts, email or IM
3: No new years eve dialing/texts, email or IM
4: If god forbid, (s)he finds or already reads your blog, no communication with her/him via comments or posts
5: No IM unblocking until 21 days have passed (or feel free to delete from IM, email, phones, etc)
6: No 3rd party contact (your circumstance may require 3rd party contact...but prolly not...be honest)
7: No desperation dialing/texts, emails or IMs
8: Blog and comment here as necessary to keep from unblocking or emailing her/him
9: No stalking -- online, offline, stalking thru friends, etc. (Nic sez you'll defeat the whole purpose if you know what (s)he's up to or if (s)he know's what you're up to)
10: Get the fuck out from in front of the computer for at least a couple of hours everyday to do something good for you (i.e. shop, hit the gym, go get yerself some starbucks or even better go to an independent coffee shop and enjoy the cute servers, get some art...go to a gallery or see a live band or read some prose, go dating and 'hit that' (hehe)...whatever is fun and good for you)

Allright...let's do this. If you fall off the wagon, don't beat yourself up. Just start over again. We'll all be here for ya.

I'm missing blondie so fucking bad that for my BDT I'm spending waaay too much of my spare time stalking videos of Tim Fletcher from The Stills (Vice Records)...mmmmmmmm. Pretty much one of the most adorable guys ever (blondie's still waay cuter tho...but damn, can't talk about blondie anymore right now...sad). And their music is mediocre, but damn if that dude isn't adorable enough for me to have a little smile on my lips throughout the day. (love the mtv interviews with the band).

p.s. sorry about my fierce potty mouth...can't be helped.
also, i sound so much better than i really am.

Starting PXXI Day 9

I just wish we were togther still.

The Offspring just came up on my player...immediate memories of Warped Tour Toronto in July...so fun. We got backstage passes cuz of his friend who works for Victory Records...sigh. I miss that kid. I was never happier in my life than when I was with blondie.

During our time together, I grew to love him more than anyone. I've done things for him I have never done for anyone. Being in his presence taught me what was truly important in a person. We took things slowly, and in the process he became like family to me.

How am I supposed to be ok? Fuck me.

Oh well...on with another day without him. I'm getting used to that part.

But I will always hate it.

I hope he has a happy life. He deserves it so much. Never met a better man in my entire life.

Music playing this morning:
Can't Get My Head Around You -- The Offspring
Gender Bombs -- The Stills
I've Lost You -- Beat Happening
Sleep Spent -- DCFC
Paper Boats -- Nada Surf
In Cairo -- Hot Hot Heat

Weak!

So I have like 3 IMs running at all times. I've blocked and unblocked blondie from MSN about 80 times (seriously), and got new user names on the other ones...but there is one that I've used a lot that blondie very, very seldom uses. So I always feel like I can be pretty social with my friends still without the terrible temptation to chat with him. I mean, it's lame, but it works for me.

But a few minutes ago, he logged onto that IM program that he hardly ever uses! What did I do? I WIGGED!! OMG, I completely wigged. I wasn't even tempted to chat with him, I was just so freaked out that he logged on...I tried to ignore him cuz I was busy working on my project...and I almost immersed myself back in the project until...he LOGGED BACK IN!! He must have gotten booted off the first time or something, but goddam. I just had to go invisible, I couldn't deal. I am so fucking WEAK! Why can't I just chill?

Breakup Distraction Therapy : Starting PXXI Day 8

Holy shit...the days fly by. Day 8 already!

Hey, wanted to thank you all for your high fives over my progress yesterday. Theres nothing like a 'pressing matter' to distract you from obsessing over the ex. And I guess I've had too few of those pressing matters, so I've been working a little, obsessing a lot, working a little, obsessing even more, and barely scraping by. hahaha

So I just gotta get big with more of that Breakup Distraction Therapy (BDT) I guess. For the next week, I've got these projects lined up...that should keep me pretty busy cuz theres a deadline on that stuff.

Because yesterday was such a kick-azz day and just flew by, today feels like 'hump day'. I woke up too goddam early this morning, and I refuse to work this early...so all that's left is blogging and surfing till yoga starts in an hour and a half! I'll keep the surfing light tho...don't wanna lose any progress...just too fucking exhausting to keep obsessing about something that is gone. But I did love that kid and our time together so much....sigh...


Playing right now:
Cold Shivers -- The New Lows
The Engine Driver -- The Decemberists

Holy crap, did I have a good day today!

So I had this project that I've been stalling a little on in favor of blog surfing and being sad over my breakup with blondie. Well today was the Big Meeting...I knew I had to gather all the information I got earlier, and get it into a form that would make me look like the kick-ass girl geek that I am. So I got my shit together, completed the report just in time, started the meeting, and quickly proceeded to WOW everyone in the meeting. After my presentation, I answered questions and basically ruled.

Now THIS is the kind of shit I was doing before blondie and I broke up. And it was hella wonderful to see myself again. Go ME!

So I got word concerning another side project that I put on the back burner way back in August. The resources to get that project off the ground are available to me now...so goddam, kids! Looks like I'm golden again!

I'm seriously on a mission for the next 2 weeks to do this well each day, or even better. I know the night is young, but I'm so excited about my projects that I'll be doing very little blog surfing (which leads me precariously close to blondie's blog and forum, or other depressives -- bah!)...so if any of you are online and wanna YIM me a high five, i would love to hear from ya.


Ordinary Girl -- I Am Kloot
Sister Gone -- Sea Ray
The Stars Are Projectors -- Modest Mouse
Oh Goddamnit -- Hot Hot Heat

Surviving This Breakup : PXXI Day 7 Kicking it Up A Notch

So woke up today feeling more focused. Faint sad feelings still there. Had a vivid dream of us together last nite. But it was just a dream.

Why is common sense forgotten during the devastating pain of a breakup? I obviously have all of you to help me through this breakup, but I have felt an incredible sense of solitude and somehow sometimes feel like no one else has ever really felt the depth of loss that I feel. I'm so far away from blondie and his resolve to be over this is so strong. I think he no longer feels the loss or misses me. I may never see him again if I don't hit the conference circuit again. This is so huge, and this is where common sense would pay off well...but all I do about this hard reality is cry uncontrollably. Not today...not day 7.

I kinda think the first 7 days of pxxi were important to just keep me from sending emails or IMs to blondie. But I can't say I was perfect. I broke down a couple of times and went to his site and forum. Even so, all in all, I can say I have definitely made progress. Now it's time to kick things up a notch. Instead of being so unstructured with pxxi, for the next 14 days of the program, I'm going to do something to help me fucking survive this. Even something small.

I've been real good about meeting new people, especially online, so I'll keep those relationships up. But I really need to do something much different. I've got an idea for a website that has absolutely nothing to do with relationships or breakups. I'm going to spend this week getting that site put together. I'll need to interview someone in that field so I make sure to get my facts straight, but this is my new project for the week. I laid the groundwork for it a while ago, so I should be able to complete it within a 7 day timeframe.

I'm also going to write again whenever an emotion overtakes me. The writing is just for me. Breaks every rule of good poetry or prose. But I need to get this stuff out of my head and on the screen to help me get over it. So the feelings that dripped out this morning are below. I almost wish you guys didn't have to see it cuz it's truly bad writing, but I guess that's all part of it for me to survive this breakup.

I'm pretty sure that I finally understand that we are indeed prolly not getting back together. And so I am starting to deal with the breakup in that sense. I am at the point now that I have to survive this breakup with as little damage as possible, and then heal and move on. I have tried to rush some steps. Wanted to go right to the moving on phase, but for all of you that have read my blog from the beginning...you see that's failed miserably.

So for those of you who are doing pxxi with me, the best to you for the next 14 days. Try to structure your healing process up a bit too. Just planning things out like this is already helping me. Nothing is strictly linear with a breakup, I'm finding...but I think at least trying to survive the breakup and move on is gonna help either way...much more than staying in the devastation of the breakup. *Hugs* to you all...keep hanging in there.

Erasure

Our life, our love. Erasure has left no history during the day - but memories rush in during the night like a band of enemies.

Love found, love shared, love lost. Free falling.
Crazy, surreal, beautiful, messed up, confused, complex.

Origami papers, dream notebook, tshirt with your sweet scent, pictures of you. Cold, crying, broken, abandoned, unforgiven. The last things we shared.

We were true, hearts beat as one, faint traces of our life together remain. Deep impressions on my heart that cannot be completely erased.

Morning tunes. You can listen to a sample of the songs by clicking on the links:
Tidalwave -- Longwave
Mexican Wine -- Fountains of Wayne
California One/Youth And Beauty Brigade
Blizzard Of '77 -- Nada Surf

Day 6 PXXI Wrap up

Not sure what happened to me today, but I'm deep in desperation mode.

Made a bad decision...read his blog...and he's out of town, i knew there wasn't going to be anything new. Not like i went there to find out what he was up to...i guess i just read it to torture myself...and it did.

This breakup shit is so insane. Just can't believe we're not together anymore...yet that is the reality.

So all i want to do now is be with someone...where did that come from? Until today, I wanted to be alone. Maybe with all of the love with the holidays...hugs and such. Touch me once and I'm a mess. Leave me alone and I'm fine? Am I that weak now?? Or is this a Day 6 commonality?

I know I'll get my shit together soon, and this is not THAT bad...but hmmm...just surprised about this. How's everyone else?

Non - breakup tunes:
For What Reason -- Death Cab for Cutie secretly, i was so depressed when i heard DCFC finally start to get airplay on the radio after all these years...they're not as indie cool anymore. still love em tho.
Dishes -- Pulp
Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me -- The Smiths

UPDATE: ok...an hour or so later, and i'm feeling a lot better...guess i just gotta expect this crazy rollercoaster to continue on for a while...sick of it tho. i'm pretty much ready to put it all behind me and move on right now.

Sick of This : Starting PXXI Day 6

Are you all as sick as I am of trying to look on the bright side of your breakup already? hahaha. I just fucking wanna be depressed, cry while eating the delicious Belgian chocolates I got for xmas, and just dream of when we were together and/or getting back together...

EEP!

Oh gawd...broken record. Lemme try this again...

There is this Electroclash girl band called Peaches that Trevor turned me on to. Pretty funky grooves. Anyhoo, just because of the appropriate and shock inducing subject matter, one of my fav songs from Peaches is "F*ck The Pain Away" Please click to hear a sample. WARNING: NOT Safe For Work!!!!

Anyhoo, so i'm wondering if, for the sake of this project, a rebound shag (with a condom), with the full knowledge that you're being slutty and it's not going to be a real relationship might be acceptable if you're that kind of person and you can live with yourself the next morning AND you know the other party is also ok with being slutty? I'm personally soooo not interested in that, but I've had a few readers mention how easy it is to just melt into a makeout session with a date a few weeks after the breakup...and horror of horrors, I was feeling Eros when Trev kissed me goodbye the other nite...a goodnight kiss as my good friend was leaving my place, and I was kinda 'feeling it'...how pathetic is that??? dear god.

Hahaha, so it's prolly clear that this breakup has totally made me a confirmed nut, but here we are on Day 6. Just trying to lighten things up cuz the first 5 days were Hell with a few moments of clarity while blogging....just trying to get a lil more of that clear time in here today.

So let's Do This on Day 6.

Morning tunes spinnin':
Nothing -- Pedro the Lion
Suddenly Everything Has Changed -- The Postal Service
This Side of The Bridge -- Goner
Chromium -- The Church

I'm Fine; Are You Fine?

Only a couple of 'tears over my breakup with blondie' sessions today...short ones. I must say that I'm getting pretty good at this cold hearted bitch thing. I know it's cuz this breakup really ripped my heart out and I'm not sure I can do this love thing ever again.

I'm totally a tender-hearted girl, and everything surrounding this breakup makes me believe that everlasting love is for other people, not me. So, that's allright, I guess...it's just so surreal to see how I'm closing the door to my heart a little more each day. Was prolly inevitable even without pxxi...just woulda taken longer.

This non-feeling state is kinda scaring me. But it's just happening...there's really nothing I can do about it. I'm totally embarassed over pouring my heart out to blondie...so many times baring my soul to him like I never have to anyone else, because I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives...and getting the cold shoulder. Result - never want to ever reveal my heart to anyone again. I'm also feeling so bad to think I could hurt someone I love. Result - don't want to ever be in a relationship again, therefore ensuring I won't hurt anyone else. yada, yada.

Point is, I'm doing ok by pxxi. I'll be able to make it thru. I am just not really sure what I'm becoming since this breakup. I feel like just a shell of a person. So literally. I feel like there is nothing but black space inside of me from my neck down. Like a ceramic mannequin. I look so normal on the outside, but theres nothing inside.

Good thing is...there is no heart to break anymore. Somehow, I'm fine with that.

A few favorites playing tonite. A lil heavy, a lil emo:
Beautiful World -- Rage Against the Machine
Down, Set, Go! -- Underoath
We Laugh Indoors -- DCFC
Hurt -- Johnny Cash
The Ghost of You -- My Chemical Romance
This Mess We're In -- P.J. Harvey (featuring Thom Yorke)
Don't Thank Me -- The French Kicks
Fevered -- The Stills
Fireflies -- The Lawrence Arms

Goodnite.

Happy Boxing Day!

Drive Well, Sleep Carefully

Instead of dilligently working on my latest work project, I find myself surfing for music to add to my collection/playlist. I've decided that I'm going to do a playlist, not necessarily a breakup playlist, but more of a starting over playlist. A playlist with all of the bands I love that maybe blondie thought were lame. Anyhoo, in the meantime, if you are on break or can surf around a little, AND if you like Death Cab for Cutie, check the Free 10 min. Preview of their new On The Road Documentary DVD.

I've had all their stuff for a long time, and they will most certainly be included in the breakup / starting over playlist.

Blog ya lata. Gonna try to get some work done...unless thats Trevor I see walking up the path to my door....

Confession : Starting PXXI Day 5

Wow! Why does 5 days seem like such a milestone? Could it be because I was a borderline exbf stalker before pxxi?? hahaha...

Oh lord...anyway so I have a small confession to make. I didn't contact blondie or anything like that, and I'm still emotionally dealing ok (at least 1/8 of the time) with this breakup...but it's all about how weak I am either way.

Ok, so during these months of tears, nausea, losing enough weight to look like a toothpick with boobs, and basically only being able to think of how perfect blondie and I were together, all of my friends were so clear that blondie and I were over. And they ALL told me that I needed to not contact him for 'a while'. They said it would help me deal with the breakup better. I asked what 'a while' is, cuz I have actually gone 2 weeks a couple of times without contacting him (and there were no emails in my inbox from him during that time...grrr). Anyway, so the answers they would give me were always tooo crazy for me to even consider. A couple of friends said, 'don't contact your ex for 60 days'. What the fucking fuck??? Are you trying to kill me? HELLS NO!

Other friends said 'sweetie, don't contact blondie for a month. we'll be there for you.' and guess what my answer was to that? again...Hells no!!

I wondered if these people were really my friends. If they actually had their eyes open for the last nearly 2 years of my life since I met blondie and was his. If they really did not realize that blondie was the first person I have ever met that was EVERYTHING I had ever wanted in a guy. I was in absolute bliss with blondie. And the most awesome thing is that I saw the same thing in his eyes when we were together. Yet somehow, I fucked things up, and now I have to deal with the breakup of probably the only perfect relationship I'll ever have.

Anyway, so secretly I realized that my friends might have a point about me not contacting blondie for 'a while'. I mean, I was the only one making the first contact all the time anyway. And that was starting to make me feel desperate. And for me, that is soooo not right, cuz I'm an only child, a freelancer, support and love indie bands, indie farmers/grocers/clothiers (especially bustedtees.com - i wanna be a busted tees girl). I'm normally a very not desperate, independent girl. Sheesh, anyhoo...I digress. So a while ago, nic, a reader of mine left a comment something to the effect of 'It takes 21 days to break a habit. Stop contact with your ex for 21 days. Make him see what he is missing...' ...something like that. AND, for some reason, with this smaller amount of time, I totally saw the light. I've already gone 2 weeks without contacting blondie, surely I can do 3 weeks. No problem (heh). So knowing that I've got a few readers dealing with the same shiz (i.e. ex stalking, crying, not being able to concentrate, serious angst), I decided to really make this 21 day no contact thing a real event, give it a memorable name, reveal my YIM in an effort to be there for anyone who is ready to deal with the emotions brought on by the breakup, to stop the cyber- and stalking thru friends, to stop thinking about him/her all the goddam time, and to finally move on and completely deal with the breakup.

And here we are. Starting Day 5 of PXXI.

And so far, I would have to say that everyone who has been posting comments has done hella good, considering how hard this is. No one has actually broken down and contacted their ex. So PROPS TO YOU ALL! Let's keep doing this thing!

p.s. if you just found the blog and wanna start pxxi, let us know, just start at day one, and you'll get lots of support.

Oops almost forgot to share my morning tunes:
Yesterday Never Tomorrows -- The Stills
Pickpocket -- At The Drive-In
Last Place -- Broken Social Scene
Recycled Air -- The Postal Service
Hotel Tell -- The Sea & Cake
Someone Like You -- New Order

Tryptophan Coma

Yeah, so I was a pig tonite...currently experiencing a sweet tryptophan coma, listening to New Order. Sometimes I have to admit that life is good. Brando's mom cooks soooo good...and his family has totally adopted me...hahaha. I guess a lot of that is cuz Brandon has only so much time for this brokenhearted girl. But its so awesome that he makes sure that I dont feel too alone.

Trevor is down with his family but he called me today and said he felt bad that we weren't doing xmas together. That was so sweet...that kid is awesome. Gosh, these two guys have been such longtime good friends...I hope I can be as good a friend to them once this is over and I'm myself again.

So I dunno if this is just the turkey i inhaled talking, or if it's really true. But in real life, my best friends are always male...I have good girlfriends, but WHY don't they ever continue to hang with me the same as the guy friends? I'm so confused about that, but (short story long), I'm thinking I could prolly stay happily single for a very long time if I have a couple of best friends that are dudes who live in my same town. The problem with Trev, Brando, and me is that we've all split up geographically. So that always makes me feel kinda lonely. I dunno, but it almost just seems to do something for me emotionally to have good guy friends that I'll NEVER have sex with, especially when I know I won't be in a serious relationship for a long while...i dunno.

Yawn! Brain is mush...time to sit in front of tube with the top button of my pants undone and watch football...hehehe (i'm soooo joking...gross!!)

Album playing right now: Get Ready -- New Order

gawd i'm glad this day is almost over! and GO ME for a blondie-free post!!

Yuletide Melancholy -- PXXI Day 4

So I'm spending this xmas pretty much alone. And on one hand, I guess I'm pretty ok with that. It isn't killing me. But on the other hand...well you know...last christmas with blondie...I can't even talk about it. Right now I don't want to remember even the good times anymore. Just nothing. Just want to erase everything. Feeling so bitter, and stupid that I sent him so many emails and messages begging him to take me back. Oh gawd...fuck it.

(for some reason, i don't think pxxi was supposed to create this sort of reaction in me...hahah...what an emotional mess i've become)

Anyway...its very unusual for me to post so late...just feeling very dark and melancholic (is that a word?) today. I know I'll see sweet Brandon and his family today, so that will be great. I know I'll have an amazing dinner tonite...sweet. Gift exchange has already happened. So as far as xmas goes...it's all fine. Hope you all had a merry one.

I'm kinda sad today but at least random on my player is playing not too happy, not too sad tunes:

Crawling to Heaven -- Industrial Teepee
Say After Me -- Pinkie
Underneath You Know the Names -- Longwave
We Used To Be Friends -- The Dandy Warhols
Ready For It -- The Stills