I'm Fine; Are You Fine?
Only a couple of 'tears over my breakup with blondie' sessions today...short ones. I must say that I'm getting pretty good at this cold hearted bitch thing. I know it's cuz this breakup really ripped my heart out and I'm not sure I can do this love thing ever again.
I'm totally a tender-hearted girl, and everything surrounding this breakup makes me believe that everlasting love is for other people, not me. So, that's allright, I guess...it's just so surreal to see how I'm closing the door to my heart a little more each day. Was prolly inevitable even without pxxi...just woulda taken longer.
This non-feeling state is kinda scaring me. But it's just happening...there's really nothing I can do about it. I'm totally embarassed over pouring my heart out to blondie...so many times baring my soul to him like I never have to anyone else, because I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives...and getting the cold shoulder. Result - never want to ever reveal my heart to anyone again. I'm also feeling so bad to think I could hurt someone I love. Result - don't want to ever be in a relationship again, therefore ensuring I won't hurt anyone else. yada, yada.
Point is, I'm doing ok by pxxi. I'll be able to make it thru. I am just not really sure what I'm becoming since this breakup. I feel like just a shell of a person. So literally. I feel like there is nothing but black space inside of me from my neck down. Like a ceramic mannequin. I look so normal on the outside, but theres nothing inside.
Good thing is...there is no heart to break anymore. Somehow, I'm fine with that.
A few favorites playing tonite. A lil heavy, a lil emo:
Beautiful World -- Rage Against the Machine
Down, Set, Go! -- Underoath
We Laugh Indoors -- DCFC
Hurt -- Johnny Cash
The Ghost of You -- My Chemical Romance
This Mess We're In -- P.J. Harvey (featuring Thom Yorke)
Don't Thank Me -- The French Kicks
Fevered -- The Stills
Fireflies -- The Lawrence Arms
Goodnite.
I'm totally a tender-hearted girl, and everything surrounding this breakup makes me believe that everlasting love is for other people, not me. So, that's allright, I guess...it's just so surreal to see how I'm closing the door to my heart a little more each day. Was prolly inevitable even without pxxi...just woulda taken longer.
This non-feeling state is kinda scaring me. But it's just happening...there's really nothing I can do about it. I'm totally embarassed over pouring my heart out to blondie...so many times baring my soul to him like I never have to anyone else, because I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives...and getting the cold shoulder. Result - never want to ever reveal my heart to anyone again. I'm also feeling so bad to think I could hurt someone I love. Result - don't want to ever be in a relationship again, therefore ensuring I won't hurt anyone else. yada, yada.
Point is, I'm doing ok by pxxi. I'll be able to make it thru. I am just not really sure what I'm becoming since this breakup. I feel like just a shell of a person. So literally. I feel like there is nothing but black space inside of me from my neck down. Like a ceramic mannequin. I look so normal on the outside, but theres nothing inside.
Good thing is...there is no heart to break anymore. Somehow, I'm fine with that.
A few favorites playing tonite. A lil heavy, a lil emo:
Beautiful World -- Rage Against the Machine
Down, Set, Go! -- Underoath
We Laugh Indoors -- DCFC
Hurt -- Johnny Cash
The Ghost of You -- My Chemical Romance
This Mess We're In -- P.J. Harvey (featuring Thom Yorke)
Don't Thank Me -- The French Kicks
Fevered -- The Stills
Fireflies -- The Lawrence Arms
Goodnite.
posted by Jenn at 10:25:00 PM
1 Comments:
Aww Jenn, don't think like that. I know it's hard to imagine being happily in love again, but I think we all learn and become smarter.
Instead of pouring our hearts out to just anyone, we're now smarter and will do it only when it's actually going to accomplish something. We may feel like shells now, but maybe, if we're lucky, we'll come across more chances. (We totally deserve more chances, Jenn!) And the mistakes we made... we won't make again. We learn from our mistakes. Maybe right now we feel like empty dead people, but one day we'll stand up again.
I just came back from watching a romantic movie, so I guess that is where it's all coming from. I'm all filled with hope, it's ridiculous.
Let's be cold-hearted bitches, Jenn! Until someone comes along that can unfreeze us. Then that someone deserves the magical beings that we are.
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