Yuletide Melancholy -- PXXI Day 4
So I'm spending this xmas pretty much alone. And on one hand, I guess I'm pretty ok with that. It isn't killing me. But on the other hand...well you know...last christmas with blondie...I can't even talk about it. Right now I don't want to remember even the good times anymore. Just nothing. Just want to erase everything. Feeling so bitter, and stupid that I sent him so many emails and messages begging him to take me back. Oh gawd...fuck it.
(for some reason, i don't think pxxi was supposed to create this sort of reaction in me...hahah...what an emotional mess i've become)
Anyway...its very unusual for me to post so late...just feeling very dark and melancholic (is that a word?) today. I know I'll see sweet Brandon and his family today, so that will be great. I know I'll have an amazing dinner tonite...sweet. Gift exchange has already happened. So as far as xmas goes...it's all fine. Hope you all had a merry one.
I'm kinda sad today but at least random on my player is playing not too happy, not too sad tunes:
Crawling to Heaven -- Industrial Teepee
Say After Me -- Pinkie
Underneath You Know the Names -- Longwave
We Used To Be Friends -- The Dandy Warhols
Ready For It -- The Stills
(for some reason, i don't think pxxi was supposed to create this sort of reaction in me...hahah...what an emotional mess i've become)
Anyway...its very unusual for me to post so late...just feeling very dark and melancholic (is that a word?) today. I know I'll see sweet Brandon and his family today, so that will be great. I know I'll have an amazing dinner tonite...sweet. Gift exchange has already happened. So as far as xmas goes...it's all fine. Hope you all had a merry one.
I'm kinda sad today but at least random on my player is playing not too happy, not too sad tunes:
Crawling to Heaven -- Industrial Teepee
Say After Me -- Pinkie
Underneath You Know the Names -- Longwave
We Used To Be Friends -- The Dandy Warhols
Ready For It -- The Stills
posted by Jenn at 10:45:00 AM
5 Comments:
Nah you're doing fine - you're going through a sort of... realization?
keep it up babe!
i hate it...i'm actually really embarassed to think that i humiliated myself so much begging to take me back...he is prolly glad now he never asked me to marry him (i'm pretty sure he was going to) since i've been such a psycho with our breakup.
i would like to be on a friendly basis with him sometime in the future...but i'm just so embarrased...sigh.
but thanks for your support...very funky experiment for me...bringing out a lot of unexpected shit...but its good.
Hey Jenn... it does suck to be alone, doesn't it... but I somehow think being alone during this important time should make us realize that we're actually OK.
I think all girls who cared about the boyfriend try to get them back any way possible. Goodness knows *I* was pretty pathetic. Sigh. Embarrassment. I guess we just learn to tell when begging won't do anything. When it's gone, it's gone.
PXXI is bringing out a lot of unexpected emotions in me too, but I'm so glad I have you and Nic to help. (It's also somehow easier to help others than it is to calm myself down...)
So this is me cheering you on! Go Jenn!
thanks pb...
i'm feeling sadder the longer this day goes on. have thought a few times of sending him an email that apologizes for my pathetic begging...but i've stopped myself because when he gets back home next sunday (next year), i don't want him to have any messages in his inbox from me. sticking to that pxxi rule no matter what...we're gonna have to talk sometime to settle how i can get my stuff from his place, and i just want things to be non-dramatic then. sticking to the pxxi rules are the only way i can see that happening.
i'm just really lonely tonite. trying not to cry...but i guess thats ok. i know i'll be ok. you will too pb. we just gotta get thru this...and we are. GO US!
hey m! who are you dude?? no profile! keep stopping by here and lets get each other thru the torture that will be New Years Eve.
seriously tho, i'm so embarrased about the begging too cuz it wasn't accepted. and yeah, i wasn't really begging either, like you, just spilling my heart. but not being accepted by him, it feels like begging, although technically, it mostly wasn't. arrrgh. its just fucking hard. i don't know if i can do this again.
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