12/03/2005

Well done ExBf

So my exbf has a pretty big community site...and I just got an email from the admin (probably him or mikey) that they have set up a PayPal donation fund to give help to the Humanitarian Service Project this xmas. That is so awesome. Excellent job, exbf...your good heart is one of the reasons I will love you till my dying day...no matter how things turn out with us.

Post Breakup Makeover

Not sure why this came on tonite, but I'm kinda wanting a makeover...want to cut and color my hair. Thinking dark brown/black for the hair, and maybe like 3" shorter...just up above my armpits/below my shoulders, whatever.

Already lost so much weight that I look like a toothpick with boobs...kinda feeling like making a full transformation.

My job is different too. Still freelancing, but waaay different than before. Not as much client stuff.

And lastly, I'm back in this country w/o the guy i still love with all my heart, the one i thought i would always be with. I'm without him and alone.

But I still have so many memories of our time together, and he is making it clear that we really are 'just friends' now, so I kinda want to put away my old persona from our time together...blondie used to tell me i was 'just one white belt away from dressing like an underage mall slag'...hahaha. Time for that look to go. Just wanna try something new. Everything in my life now really is new, so I might as well update my look too. In fact, he still has (had??) a lot of my clothes anyway, so I have to buy a whole new wardrobe either way.

He's finally online tonite, but I have him blocked again. Not that anything went wrong, but as everyone has been telling me, we both need space to deal with this breakup. As of this hour, I'm feeling ready to give him that space. I don't want to stay in a rut with this. I have no idea if there really is a chance of us getting back together like he said, but either way, we both will move on, whether we want to or not...it's inevitable. Hopefully we will find our way back to each other in the future...oh, you have no idea how I hope that happens...but in the meantime, we both gotta do our own thing. Thinking maybe a makeover might make the process a little easier for me.

songs playing on my rhapsody:
Ship in the attic: The Red Thread
Zero: Smashing Pumpkins
L.A.: Elliott Smith
Venus: Air
Asethenia: Blink 182

Empty Fortune Cookie

As I report every few days, I'm not really digging this whole breakup thing...have lost loads of weight from missing blondie. (i know, i know...so pathetic/emo) Anyhoo so last nite, to help comfort me thru this breakup, I ordered chinese delivery to eat in bed...Weird thing is, they delivered 2 fortune cookies with my order (quite a fortunate thing in itself), but the one I opened first had no fortune, it was empty...which kinda wigged me out. So I had to google this problem. One of the first results was from the site of my longtime idol Molly Holzschlag. I decided to check out what Miss Molly thot about having the same empty fortune cookie weirdness...and ummm, according to the comments on her blog, either it was a lucky thing, or uh, something...i dunno. Not all that uncommon, but such a bummer.

One good thing was that the fortune in my next cookie read, "You will inherit some money or a small piece of land." Oh, and my daily numbers are 4, 0, 9....wtf are daily #s for anyway??

BTW this is my 50th post...Woooo!! Fortune cookie say, 'You very lucky to make 50 posts'.

12/02/2005

I Heart a Machine

My exbf is such a machine...he is working like a maniac and is exhausted...I wish I was there to make him some sleepytime tea and make him go to bed (with me, of course). He's totally wearing himself down.

How do I know this? Well, I've blocked and unblocked blondie from IM like 70 times already cuz I always wig when he logs on...and right now he's unblocked. So I've been IMing him (can't help it), he's always the perfect 'friend' and gives me the daily update of how he is doing. And he just sounds worn down.

Goddam.
And I'm pretty sure he would hate me worrying about him like this, cuz there's nothing I can do...I just wish we were together. Breaks my heart he is there in that freaking cold country, working like a machine, but he won't even let me keep him warm on the phone...all we have is just a little 'safe/friendly' IM conversation a few times each week. So weak. But until/unless he tells me to stop, I'm not gonna. I still totally heart that dude. Completely. This can't be the end...

Songs playing (not on my Creative Zen, since I don't have one...hint, hint (c; ) :
Let's Get Lost: Elliott Smith
Here's Your Letter: Blink 182
Stand Inside Your Love: Smashing Pumpkins
Neither Heaven Nor Space: Nada Surf
Steadier Footing: Death Cab for Cutie

11/30/2005

Who is this amazing man?

On myspace...
"I'm looking for...

...the feeling you get when connected with the love of your life. when you see into each others eyes and see beyond the physical, deep into the soul. The connection that comes from someone you know will greatly impact your life. Someone you can breathe with.

-hopefull romantic"

Holy romantic...that is so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes...especially cuz I've known this guy for years. Every morning I wake up to a painting by him that says 'BREATHE'. I hope he finds what he's looking for...what a catch!

Ghost of him

Ghost of You: My Chemical Romance


That is going to be a major punk/pop crossover hit, and i will prolly hate it really soon because of radio overplay...but for tonite it is my favorite song...the lyrics are amazing...totally expresses how i feel in this breakup. Damn I just wish things would work out with us.

I know this is a totally worthless post, but it's my fucking blog and I'll say whatever I want to on it.

11/28/2005

Creative Zen

So apparently the consensus is that I shouldn't send the ex an x-mas gift...Alright already. Oh, for those of you who are shopping for 'friends..ex-bf/gf or not', I got a comment from an iPod hater. He recommends the Sleek Creative Zen, instead. He says that is has better build quality than iPod, its the original patent holder, you can play back WMA's on them... creative knows more about music reproduction, the SNR (Sound to Noise Ratio) is something like 98dbs... Check it out:



Honestly, I don't see what is wrong with getting a gift for a friend who just happens to be the love of my life (who I am not longer with)...gawd.

Songs playing:
My My Metrocard: Le Tigre
2000 Light Years Away: Green Day
Best Wishes to Your Black Lungs: Better Than Jake

11/27/2005

Buy an X-Mas gift for the ex???

Sooo, still checking out Amazon.comfor gifts...found quite a few. I'm wondering if I should send ol' blondie a x-mas gift this year or not...hmmm. I don't really know what the breakup/still friends etiquette is on that...

This is on 2 of my friends wish lists:


Songs playing on my playa: (not an iPod shuffle, and I would really love one...hint, hint)
Evolution: Cat Power
Tea and Cake: The Sea and Cake
Ship in The Attic: The Red Thread
All the Pretty Girls Go To the City: Spoon