Happy For Him...PXXI Day 3/2

gawd i'm fucking confused.

how could blondie just be so over me like that? i mean, while we were together, we had a few logistical issues and i am not into the whole long-distance relationship thing, and there were a couple of times i tried to have a friendly breakup with him, but he just wasn't having that...

then i follow him out of the country...how am i gonna get all of my shit back here? and really, my shit is the least of what's bothering me. i'm fucking still in love with that guy. i can always buy new stuff...but him. can't replace him.

fuck. i guess none of it even matters anymore, nothing at all. that guy is a machine. got a sick lifehack that enables him to completely forget and not feel a goddam thing at will. that's gotta be a lot easier than living with a broken heart, the almost constant memories and soaked in tears.

congrats blondie. i'm happy for you.


Album playing now:
Summer in Abaddon -- Pinback

Some People Just 'Get It'

this is why breakups are so fucking hard...
check out this post.

3 Things I've Learned About My Breakup: PXXI Day 2/2

Interestingly, pxxi has really done a lot for helping me settle down my wigginess over my breakup with blondie. i've had a few ugly meltdowns before and especially during pxxi...and i made it thru all but the last 5 days of no contact...and even tho i'm starting pxxi again, i dont think i really HAVE to. i could just go on from day 16 and get this shiz over with faster...BUT i've learned a few things that are making me want to do this for another 21 days:

1: i can focus on things other than this blasted breakup and actually be happy
2: friends who have done this before and/or friends who are going thru the same thing and are committed to getting over the ex are priceless -- thank you all!
3: the whole erasing thing a la Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is only something that happens in the movies. it's a lot harder in real life.

i'm still so sweet over that guy. and in my case, since i'm not looking to getting into another relationship for a year, at least, i think it's ok. but it's not ok to be a sad, whiney bitch anymore.

i'll be writing less about the brilliance that is and prolly will always be blondie, and more about moving on after this breakup. you all know that i secretly hope to be his again in the future...but honestly, i don't want to be his if i'm still so broken like i am now. i wanna be hot shit again. cuz i don't plan on ever breaking up with him again. wanna see that sweet, pale, wrinkled face with those amazing sparkling blue eyes looking at me when we wake up every morning when we're 80 year old farts.

and i can hear you now saying to yourself that he may find someone else in the meantime....yeah, he might. but one thing i found out when i had to break pxxi to contact him...he hasn't forgotten me. pxxi, even just the 16 days, seems to have been good for him too. he still cares. dont know to what extent. but either way, it doesn't matter. i'm getting my shit together and just hoping for something more for us in the future. we were seriously perfect for each other. just a fucked up circumstance ended our thing. and it hurt him bad. but...

who knows. doesn't matter today really.

Playing right now:

My Coco -- Stellastarr
Down Like Disco -- The Dandy Warhols
Fearless -- The Bravery

1AM, Ex boyfriend Musings, and New Friends

hahaha...so this is pretty much the weirdest playlist i've ever done...just sick of feeling sad over this breakup...and these remixes make me feel like dancing (but i'm a girl geek and don't really dance...lol) they're making me less sad tho...

pick up this playlist here
1. Tulips (Original Version) - Bloc Party
2. Tulips (Club Version) - Bloc Party
3. Vicious Streak - New Order
4. This Mess We're In - (Featuring Thom Yorke) - PJ Harvey
5. Reset (featuring Khujo Goodie/Cee-Lo) - Outkast
6. Such Great Heights (John Tejada Remix) - The Postal Service
7. Heartbeats (Rocketboy Remix) - Jose Gonzalez

Resolutions & Priorities: PXXI Day 1 -Take 2

so my new year's resolutions got a pretty shite start this year. i am SO WEAK!

...but i think they were good resolutions...important for a lot of reasons. i wanna be with that kid again so much...but i know that there are more important things than that right now.

like, what if we did get back together again and i'm this whiney-ass bitch still? i was NEVER like that before this. he would totally not dig that. we wouldn't last.

what if i didn't get my focus back with my work? then i'd be fucked...and that never makes for a good relationship either.

what if i dont get my health together, eat a little and take better care of myself? well anorexic-looking chicks are not really his thing either...yuck!

what if i kept being a pussy and afraid of everything? well, that's kinda what got us in this mess to begin with...so that's definitely gotta go.

thing is, i realize my priority should be to get my focus back. i gotta be what i was before and while i was with him. i REALLY hope we get back togther again sometime, cuz i can't seem to make myself let him go. but i also realize that we may not get back together again. so i gotta just make that crazy mind-shift to ME, and away from him somehow. seems like that should be the easiest thing in the world but it's been so hard. gotta do it tho...

aarrrgh...people get back together after time apart...sometimes. gawd. i just want to control everything with this...like if i'm a good girl (i.e. focused, brave and honest), i'll get blondie back. but dammit, i know it doesn't always work that way...goddam. WHY was he so perfect for me?? i really must chill. the holidays totally fucked me up. they're over now. i'm starting pxxi again today. day 1. now till jan 26. no meltdowns this time.

Chasing the Dragon

ok...so you all know what that implies based on my last post yesterday.

yes...i talked to blondie. yes, i'm a blondie-addict...but it's not what you think.

see, i have to get a prepaid phone and he blogged about them...i asked around to all my friends about them first, but no one had any info on them...so instead of IMing him...which tends to get emotional, i just sent him an email and asked about the phone...and also about his trip back home to chicago and his family and our friends. he responded right away with info on the phone and asked how i was.

and that was it.

pretty straightforward...not business-like--but not descending into drama either. it was 'friendly'...and that's all.

ok...so only because i'm so happy to have connected with him again do i worry about the whole chasing the dragon issue. on one hand it was necessary for me to contact him cuz he had important info that no one else could give me and I asked everyone else I could think of first, so it was entirely ok...but then this little voice in the back of my mind is whispering to me that it might be a little more than that...might be that i just 'shot up'....got my blondie fix again...otherwise, why would i be so happy?

soooooo, i'm back on pxxi...by the time i'm done with it, it might be more like pL...

ok...so start again from day 1? i think i want to, kinda...but not.

like, what do they do in treatment centers when someone has a slip-up? do they start them all over again from the beginning? or just give them a spanking and make sure no more slip-ups occur?


Mossbreaker -- Broken Social Scene
Public Pervert -- Interpol
Feel Like Rain -- Motion City Soundtrack

Blasted Barbados

Shoot...i just remembered that blondie is being sent to barbados for a week as his reward for good work at his job...dang. sometime this month he said.

That's gonna suck...another week with him gone. no contact by force, not choice....

Like why should this even matter to me after successfully doing pxxi for 2 weeks already? it totally shouldn't matter at all...but somehow it completely does.

Everytime i think i'm over this breakup, something else comes up. gosh...

not sure if i'm gonna be able to keep him blocked...dont think i'll talk to him right away, but i certainly want to before he leaves. i'll wait to see if he posts something on his blog about leaving before i say anything...i guess.

fuck. i miss that kid so much.

Starting PXXI Day 14: Relationship Rehab

so i watched relationship rehab last nite...a lil bit lame IMO. i think they could have made it more real. anyway, it was about a girl with an asshole exbf who basically sent her self-esteem go down the toilet. and when he put her 'on hold' she got herself together and started living her life. that's all good, i'm proud of her. i know that would be tough. there are prolly a lot more of these kinds of breakups than those like mine which was circumstantial. we had a great relationship, but circumstances ended things, and we're kinda trying to stay friends. but of course, i'm internalizing everything i see about breakups.

i had a lil rough patch last nite when it was late and i saw he was still online. i made it thru tho. i couldn't have done that before pxxi. i would have been powerless to keep from saying hi to him. i do feel so much stronger and in control of things now. i really don't think every converstation with him now will be so full of emotion and drama anymore. and i want to say a big THANK YOU to everyone for helping me to get this far with pxxi. only one more week to go. and i'm quite sure i can do it.

i'm not thinking that i will immediately IM him the second my time with pxxi is up...i might keep it on for a few more hours/days/weeks...i dunno. its gonna be tricky either way, but i'm sure that without this time away from each other, we would have prolly gone further down. my whole point is that i would like to get back together with him at some point, and in the meantime be friends...not be the desperate bitch i had been since the breakup, but to be what i used to be. what attracted him to me in the first place. just a strong, independent girl who was sweet on him...not desperate for him...but who knows.

onward with day 14 of pxxi...how are you all doing?


Grace Cathedral Hill -- The Decemberists
Creep -- Radiohead

Oh Dammit!

it's late...and blondie is still online...and i just wanna say hi to him...goddammit

i'm not gonna, i'm posting here instead...but holy fuck...gosh dang i wanna say hi. oh i miss that kid. i just wanna be with him again...or at least talk to him...

ok. i'm not gonna...i wont


Tulips (Club Version) -- Bloc Party

More Getting Out of The Dumps

Fortune Cookie Say:

"You will be showered with good luck :)"

Well sweet. I like the sound of that. It's time to be showered with something other than tears over this god forsaken breakup already...lol

2nd Fortune Cookie Say:
"You will always get what you want through your charm and personality."
uhhhhh...hmmmm. hahaha

ok, so today i was reminded why pxxi is good for me. and it's not cuz it gives me a reason to make two long blog posts about my breakeup each day. ;)

in my case, it's cuz i have sent so many pathetic, desperate life-story emails to blondie...and looking back, that's hella embarassing. holy crap. how embarassing. i just wanted to talk him into taking me back. but going back now and reading over the emails, i'm totally cringing...goddam.

anyhoo...hopefully this time away from him will help him start to forget those pathetic emails...problem is, he prolly has not deleted them...oh gawd. oh well. all i know is that i'm not gonna make things even worse by trying to explain the desperation i was feeling while composing those terrible emails. nothing to remind him of them. jeezus. just time for him to forget about that silliness and hopefully start over again...with me. i wanna give him time to forget the hurt, but hopefully he won't find someone else in the meantime. but i'm just committed to not going back into even a friendship with him before enough time has passed for some wounds to start being healed.

i'm just a girl sweet over a boy and wanting him to love me. it's simple. but i made things so complicated. i dunno if we'll make it past all that. maybe we can still be 'friends'...who the fuck knows. i'm gonna do this right from here on tho. that's all i know. hopefully it will pay off with me and blondie. if not, i won't regret that i became more indie and less desperate. i won't regret that i learned some lessons.

gotta get back to work...blog ya lata. i gotta get done with this project so i can watch Relationship Rehab tonite...hope its good.

Playing now:
Lightness -- Death Cab for Cutie
Your Legs Grow -- Nada Surf
We Will Become Silhouettes -- The Postal Service

Starting PXXI Day 13: Getting Out Of The Dumps Stage 1

so there is one thing i've always known intellectually, but kinda wasn't wanting to deal with emotionally. it's that i can live without blondie. i have been living without blondie. and i haven't died. i am ok. haven't tried to do anything rash. i'm still ok without him. yeah, yeah, i knew this...and yet i've let myself go into this funky post breakup depression. c'est moi. it just happens. but i gotta do something about it.

so now that blondie is back home (and strangely still logged onto IM)...i know he's safe and i have one less irrational thought to consume me, i'm thinking that more than no contact is necessary now...i'm thinking now it's time for me to start getting out of the dumps. i think i've kinda taken comfort in my tears...as crazy as that sounds...they're the only thing left of our relationship...my painfully vivid, tear-inducing memories of him and of us together.

i am so grateful for the opinions and experiences of others who visit this blog. i've got a lot of things to really think about. like pb mentioned that there may be more than just one ONE...that idea has really been a biggie for me. i know i could find another guy to date and i know i could be happy with someone else. i guess what is holding me back from even wanting to talk to someone with future dating in mind is that blondie has that perfect set of things i always wanted in a guy. i mean, even the stand he's taking now in regards to our relationship makes me respect him. i'm just feeling like, 'ok blondie...enough already. i get it. i learned the lesson. i was a pussy and afraid of everything...and it backfired on me. now i get it. i think you were right to breakup...but theres never going to be anyone for you like me. you can get fat, you can go bald, you can be a loner grump, but your heart is what i love. those blue eyes that opened up let me look deep inside of you. your absolute goodness. your intelligence...your humor...your style...everything inside. and outside. you're beautiful...completely. i want to grow old with you. i want to wake up to your sweet wrinkled face when we're 80.' blah, blah, blah...i know. gosh...ok. so i think blondie's the ONE. BUT...

thru the course of pxxi, i have found that i can survive without him. i knew this before, but pxxi has been making me live it. i don't have to send him endless emails and IMs. i can control that. and i'm ok. i still want to be with him, but i know i dont have to be with him to be happy.

that thought helps get me out of this hella drawn out funk somehow. i dunno, its a good thing tho.

damn i want a dog!

Tunes playing now on my playa:
Ageless Beauty -- Starts
Trial of The Century -- The French Kicks
The Doldrums -- Night Hour

New Year Blahs

k, well i made it thru another day of pxxi. more than halfway done. wooo

but for the past few days, i've had this funky sadness. the fabulous trevor is back home and has been busy with work. blondie has been out of town visiting family and friends back home...which brings me to the only reason i am the slightest bit happy tonite...when i logged on, i saw that he was on IM. i was sooooo happy to see him on. he is blocked till pxxi is over, and i wasn't even really tempted to talk to him...but just glad that he hasn't blocked me and that he's back safe at home again. sheesh...i guess one of these days i'll quit caring so much about him...or not.

and for those on YIM, sorry for being MIA. i'm just stupid sad lately...gotta just focus on work till i can be normal. gotta disconnect from drama for a while. sorry for being a bad friend...i just gotta get thru this stupid patch and i'll be back on.

anyhoo...another day of pxxi done. i'm getting there.

goodnite

playing now:
animals insects -- the stills
lurgee -- radiohead

Starting PXXI Day 12! Reality Bites

i hate reality tv, but i am powerless to turn it off if i happen upon a program while i'm channel surfing. gawd, don't i have better things to do than watch some fucking spoiled rich kids camping out in front of a camera crew (like listening to songs that make me cry over my breakup with sweet blondie?)...or old has-been stars all living in a house together getting all dirty and raunchy? holy shit! models, brady's, flava flav, stupid-azz west coast kids who think they're hot shit, the real world, nyc mom and daughter socialites...oh gawd! i seriously hate reality tv.

actually, i was watching a talk show the other day, Isaac. i know, i know, enough of the jeers already. at least i can say that is the ONLY talk show i watch, and only cuz i have a hard-on for most geeks and punk/indie musicians, and also a little for designers (all kinds), artists, cgi and title dudes ;) etc. and since Isaac falls into that category, i gotta give him props and watch his show when i can. so anyhoo...he had some reality stars on and mentioned that it seems like they fight all the time. they said that they don't but since the cameras are running all the time, if they ever do snap it is sure to be caught on tape and that's what they run on the promos...so basically, all the everyday boring stuff gets edited and cut, and the crazy shiz gets shown like its everyday life for these schmoes.

the point, you ask? good question...ok. so i'm thinking this morning how bad i feel that you've all witnessed my meltdowns because of my breakup...i've been a mess and i've been ok sometimes too. and yet you keep coming back with your friendship and support. i feel like i've made a lot of good blog friends since starting this piece (as in piece o'shite blog). and i'm the same way with a lot of other blogs...i stalk them and usually jump in on the comments the second a post is made (all this while trying to work...so bad...hahaha). and the thing is, like what's found on the cutting room floor in the editing room for those reality tv shows, the same thing is the case with blogs too...they're just self edited. and actually this blog was more meant for me to just have somewhere to cry, somewhere to express my crazy thoughts cuz i fucking miss that kid soooo much still and i just have no idea how to ever get over him. this blog is somewhere to post the songs that move me, remind me of him, us, me with and without him...my music is so huge to help me through this. it's totally a combination of lo-fi real stuff, excellent indie tunes, punk favs, stoner metal and some serious angst tunes. couldn't lift myself up without my music. I wanted to blog what i was listening to so i wouldn't forget later.

I've never been so attached to another human being in all my life. i'm so happy that i met him and was able to really love someone once. and i'm sure he loved me. but gawd i'm sooo fucking broken over how this thing ended and i just wish we could start all over again. either way, i know he'll be ok. he's got family and good friends. i've got good friends, but i'm not sure if i'll ever be ok. that's the hard part. but i have to be ok. i have to go on. i have to make it. there's no editing that part out. i just have to find a way. i guess i blog cuz when i get lost, i can go back to this blog and write it down. from the beginning random visitors have come to tell me either how pathetic i am over being so messed up over this breakup and that i should just get over it, to the incredibly supportive voices lately encouraging me to buck up. i need(ed) all of those comments. i've only deleted the blog spam. i dont want to edit much about dealing with this breakup. i'm just going on. i am scared about getting back into life without him cuz i just completely gave him myself...i let him take care of me. and i've never been taken care of since my dad died. nobody was ever strong enough to take care for me. blondie was. he was/is everything on that imaginary list of what i would ever want in a guy. he was more than i thought i even needed. and now its gone. he's gone. i'm so broken. i just cant express. my heart is shattered. totally destroyed. i will never be over him. and it totally doesn't even matter. he's moving on. i need to fucking grow up already. reality bites...ehhhhh (so much cheesiness along with tears in this blog, it's just gross...heh)

anyway on kinda another note, i'm doing ok with pxxi. i'm just a robot doing what i should do now. no heart. but a fucking lot of tears. i'm gonna rust my hard drive out.

hope you all are doing ok.


The Beginning and The End -- Isis
The Driver -- Stellastarr
New Slang -- The Shins
An Echo In -- The Sea & Cake
I'm Content With Losing -- Underoath
Funeral For A Friend -- All The Rage

Happy New Year!

This is the new year. And I have no resolution. hahah...hey wait, wasn't that a line in that old dcfc song?? Anyhoo, i really don't have a resolution. if i had one, it would have to be something that rhymed with the number 6. (i.e. last year's resolution was Come Alive in 2005...lol)

Ok, well after seeing the many lists of fellow bloggers who have made a conscious decision to better their lives in '06, i'm thinking maybe i should have some sort of resolution(s). Here are the things that have been on my mind lately:

1: I sound like a broken record pining away over my breakup with blondie. I still heart that guy so much, and that part prolly wont ever change. So I guess I resolve not to cry over him as much.
2: I'm good at what I do and can't believe I have not done this before. So I resolve to make 6 figure$ this year. (heh...oh lord...no more slacker mode this year).
3: As the textbook Sagittarian that I am, I get bored very easily with stuff. So this year I resolve to complete a project before starting another one (HUGE for me).
4: I resolve to build muscle and stop looking so skinny and emo.
5: I resolve to be a better friend and be more honest.
6: I resolve to spend more time on the computer working, and less time surfing.
7: I resolve to give up my need to be a control freak and not be so afraid of the unknown.
8: I resolve to at least meditate everyday if I can't do a yoga class.

Mmmmmm...i dunno. That's all that pops into my mind right now. But bloody hell..that is quite a list of resolutions...given that I don't usually have serious resolutions. This year will be a first for me.

Wish me luck.

The best to you all in 2006.

Songs playing while my head slightly aches this morning:
This Mess We're In -- P.J. Harvey featuring Thom Yorke
Panthers -- Wilco
Vicious Streak -- New Order
Blue Line Swinger -- Yo La Tengo
French Kicks -- Following Waves