1/28/2006

Not Alone

so i'm heading to maine in a couple of weeks. i'm excited as shit...but i'm also kinda feeling like a scared kitten. mostly cuz i just am not an east coast girl. and the last time i seriously considered moving to the east coast, i worked out a deal for blondie to also get a job with the company who wanted to hire me. after an apprentice-style interview, they wanted me bad, and were warming up to blondie...but we both decided that we just didn't dig the east coast and the stuffiness there (as compared to chicago, or the west). so we declined the jobs and stayed put until this gig in ontario came up. then he moved up there...and finally me and all our shit got hauled up there.

now...well, blondie and i are barely speaking. i got a huge new gig. they are training me in their main office. which is only a matter of plane fare since all of my shit is in canada still. anyway, i gotta find somewhere to live, people to hang out with. and i'm quite sure the scene in maine is gonna be nonexistent. so that will suck huge balls. i'll have to go to boston if i wanna hang with anyone...and since i don't currently have a car (the el train was my car), that's gonna happen like NEVER. sigh....

so trev's coming with me to maine to get set up. one thing i hear from a lot of people is that i can get my smoke on there...hahaha. buncha tokin hippies out there...lol. but i don't smoke...goddammit!! and that sounds like the only fun i would have there...oh well.

well...maybe there is where i'll finally grow up. i need to fucking quit playing these emo games. this is really the first time i've played any stupid breakup drama like to this extent...and lemme tell you, it's fucking going to be the last time. i've come to realize that no guy who won't love me back is worth this much pain...even if he does want to keep in touch and stay friends. i'm actually all about staying friends with blondie, cuz he's the smartest person i know, and i grow weary of being with people who all think the same...and that kid comes up with some fucked up brilliant shit, so i gotta stay friends with him, if possible. but he rejected me so bad and i hate him for that...yeah i said i hate him for that. i do. he let something precious go. this world sometimes hands us bad circumstances, but if someone who is not like the rest, and is so like you and is sweet loves you and you diss that, especially out of pride, then you fucking deserve whatever leftovers you get. and as i've said before, i wish him the best.

the melodic noise coming from my playa this saturday afternoon:
It's Dangerous Business Walking Out Your Front Door -- Underoath
Altered Course -- Isis
Troublemaker -- Nada Surf
Sweet Troubled Soul -- Stellastarr

1/27/2006

Alone on a Friday Nite

...and working!

i'm actually doing OK w/o ol' blondie. been planning, and planning...booking flights, setting up meetings, in phone conferences, working on 5 projects at once! there is a LOT of exciting shit going on now, and i seriously don't have enough hours in the day to pine over blondie.

i am chill over this breakup today. i have tried unsuccessfully for the past few months to move on emotionally...but now i am moving on physically. i'm planning my move to the east coast. i'm not really as excited about that as i was to move to seattle, but my client told me today that seattle is not ready for more people in the office quite yet. but i am first on the list!! so that is all good. i'm def a midwest/west coast girl, so i wanna work that as soon as i can...may end up being 2 years tho :(

so i'm making progress...and it's not even as emo and full of angst as not making progress was...lol. in fact, i'm pretty goddam boring when i'm not emo. there is just seriously no happy medium with me...hahaha

any of my blog buddies as pathetic as me and home alone? ping me!

at least my music is doing something for me:
Last Place -- Broken Social Scene
Stay Loose -- Belle & Sebastian

oh, i forgot to do this a few days ago when i got them...but here is my latest pair of shoes from zappos.com. i LOVE that place. and i love these shoes cuz they're such a cool color...not my usual pink, but perfect anyway.



ya know, i think i'm starting to have a thing for this color, cuz i just realized that i have shoes this same color, but not even close to the same style...here they are. cute huh?:


these shoes look AMAZING with my lucky jeans. lucky jeans and silver jeans are the only ones i can wear cuz i have hella long legs...a 37" inseam!!! yeah baby, legs up to there! and only lucky and silver make cute lo cut jeans with long inseams like that.

i wanted to post a pic of my fav find from zappos.com. it was a pair of Vans Skull & Cross Bones Slippers in pink....holy shit those puppies are adorable....but they're no longer in stock, so i can't show you...but holy cute!

allright...wow, i went on a little tangent there, i gotta get back to work...

1/26/2006

Stop the Madness!!

if i am truly over it...why am i feeling dissed over apparently either being blocked or him not logging onto his IM like he has done for years after work?

i guess it's a possibility that he has been busy for the last two nites and just has not been on the computer...but the odds of that are LOW!

aaarrrgh!!!

so whatever. oh my gosh, whatever!

........................

so i guess one thing that is kinda exciting me is that i'm in a time of flux. i have many decisions to make. and i need to not blow any of them. as of about an hour ago, i may be able to hit up the president of the company who is sending me to maine to send me instead to my dream spot (even more than chicago, i think...i dunno) seattle. they have been looking to expand that office, and i would be willing to work in an office if they would send me there.

so many decisions. so few real answers. my life is not mine right now...i'm so at the whim of prospective employers and others. i have to somehow keep an after-hours indie $$$$$$-maker, but if i'm getting job offers, i really gotta at least consider them at this point. i'm not gonna get new furniture into a new apartment by begging blondie to bring my shit out of canada the way he took it in, that's for goddam sure.

gawd i'm sick of wanting to fucking HURL everytime i think of this shite...

Over It

so...i wake up this morning, stumble into the bathroom, and as usual, remember my time together with blondie. and (not for the first time), i accepted the fact that we did break up. this time, it actually didn't hurt.

this time, i realized, more than intellectually, but completely emotionally, that i can live without blondie and be happy without him as my guy. i also got that i really may never be over him in the sense of connecting on that many levels with a person so completely. he was MY One. i've heard all the arguments on there not really being just one love for somebody, but i recognized that he was the one within hours of getting to know him...and then after a year and a half of being his, and almost 2 years of knowing him, i know that it is true. he is The One for me. he didn't have to adjust to me, and i didn't have to adjust to him. when i met him, he was just perfect...flaws and all.

but after we had this bit of outside trouble, he will not be mine.

the thought is making it hard to swallow, i have this huge knot in my throat, i almost can't breathe, and the tears are monsooning from my eyes.

yet i am over it.

we've been emailing about a few things completely unrelated to our relationship or moving my shit back from canada. and this morning i had more news to share with him about our email subject, so i told him about that...about another wild dream i had about him...ok, so in the dream, we were with friends, out in the boonies for some crazy reason, and we were just hanging out. anyway so this group of people come over to talk to us, and after a while, they all of a sudden surround blondie and kidnap him! so me and all my other friends go running after them, but they had guns and a car, and we were on foot, no car for some reason. and because we were out in the rurals, our cell phones wouldn't work. so we ran after this car, some of us took shortcuts and we just tried for so long to find him. finally everyone in the group said they were tired, it was getting dark and they just wanted to go play video games and said blondie would be ok. i was livid--i mean RED HOT PISSED to say the least. so i just left them and looked for blondie myself. finally the next morning i found him, and he was with only one of the captors. so i got his attention and he noticed me. we were doing some silent communication with our eyes, he just understood that he was to run when i gave him the signal. so when his captor was not paying attention, he ran, we ran...and then all of the kidnappers came out and started chasing us saying they were going to kill us.

then i woke up.

so in that email i also tell him about that crazy dream. and then i kinda explained to him about the whole friends thing. i didn't tell him this, but i think one of the reasons it failed so miserably before is because i didn't really want things to change. i wanted him to still love me and basically keep kind of a long distance thing with me. i always felt so dissed when things didn't go right, and i always told him that i felt dissed...which might have been ok, but then i would also go into my life story and try to make him see how much i loved him and how he should take me back.

of course, after that he would avoid me. i would chase. the whole thing would start over and it has been ridiculously exhausting.

i don't want that anymore. and i know he doesn't want me like that anymore. but i know he still likes me. so i told him that i would be his friend forever even when he fell in love with a new little trick. and i would even go to his wedding if he invited me. it's just so rare to find a person who you connect with on so many levels, and our relationship was strongly based on our friendship and common interests from the beginning anyway, not a sexual vibe, like a lot of bf/gf relationships are.

i'm over it. i just wish i didn't still feel like throwing up. i guess i'll get over that too. i'm just not gonna live in the past anymore.

Songs on my playa during this corner turning post:
Loose Translation -- New Pornographers
Get Real -- Hockey Night
Fall On Every Whim -- Longwave
Window -- Joy Zipper
Wrong Side -- French Kicks

1/24/2006

smack flowing thru my veins

so...i IMed blondie tonite.

i want my box back.

no other motives. (...)

we had an ugly post-post breakup blowup a couple of weeks ago which pretty much paralyzed me emotionally. i couldn't write, couldn't talk about feelings at all.

because of the blowup, he wouldn't talk to me at first tonite. but then i told him i don't know what happened last time we chatted, but i'm sorry for how it went down, and i just wanted to pin down the logistics of how i'm gonna get my box from him when he gets back to chicago.

took him a while, but he finally replied...then we chatted for an hour or so...about me, about him, work, conferences, being sick of making other people rich (i.e. being indie)

i told him about the dream i had about his family. he said it was the lamest dream ever...hahahaha...nothing mean.

he started out chilly...but it ended up as a normal conversation...and like after a while we were busy with other things and weren't chatting anymore...but, just like he's done for the past couple of years, when he was ready to log off, he told me good nite first...

actually this time he told me "ttyl". and he does/says EVERYTHING on purpose.

i guess i will talk to him later.

i can breathe/write/smile/focus now...got my smack

still so pathetic...and still can't be helped. i dunno...this is fucking stupid.

temporarily bi-polar

holy mental.

i feel fucking bi-polar trying to get over blondie. some days like yesterday, i'm all broken and have no hope. but other days like today, then i'm all better-than-everyone-ambitious, and that wierds me out too...

when is the fucking happy medium gonna start? i don't wanna be that hard ambitious bitch...and i can't be the whiney bitch forever either...ready for some balance already.


Morning music:
Blame It On the Tetons -- Modest Mouse
I Will Sing You Songs -- My Morning Jacket

1/23/2006

Walking away

for the past week, i've jumped head-first into more work than i can handle...anything to keep my mind off blondie.

i would like to say that it works, but there's always those times when i just can't work anymore. i'm hammered. i crash...and there he is, in my dreams. i totally never remember my dreams...til he totally knifed my heart and left me bleeding last week. that started this lucid dream stupidity.

the last dream i had was me having his parents over for dinner. seriously. i've never actually seen his parents or grandparents face to face, but i've seen pics...in my dreams, they were totally the same as in the pics. blondie was there, and we were still broken up...his family still came to my place for dinner. in the dream, it was less weird than i thot it would be. blondie didn't even act like we were broken up.

one dream was me seeing blondie with a new hipster trick. he seemed happy and i was happy for them. EEP!!! gawd...when i think of that dream now, i feel like throwing up.

sigh...fucking dreams

i should be, and i dunno, maybe i am totally on my way to getting over him...but it just feels like i'm going to be dead inside forever. i'll look fine on the outside...flirt like i do...but never, ever love again. did i misunderstand what we had going? when i told him i wanted to go to the next step but didn't actually define what that next step was, did that mean to him that we were still just playing? when i moved to canada to be with him, at his request, did that not mean anything at all? when i spent all of my spare time with him, and never left him unless i had to, did that not mean anything? it was so easy for him to let me go when a problem came up...he fucking cut my heart out and left me for dead...and he feels so right in doing that. he's not. he's fucking not right. guess it really doesn't matter cuz i have no heart to hurt again.

that's allright. i loved you with all of my heart blondie. it ends with you. but whatever. i'm still alive...i'll survive ('i will survive' by beck playing in my head)

i'm having a day today...just back to the tears...stupid shit. but whatever. feeling lame enough today to post some song lyrics...i know...fuck me cuz i'm lamerz...but whatever...everyone can just go fuck off today. it's my goddam blog. best part about these lyrics, is that they're by ben...hmmm..whatever his name is. see? i don't even listen to the dude...harper! that's it...but a blog friend sent me this tune, and the lyrics fucking rip my heart out...what's left of it.

Walk Away


Oh no- here comes that sun again.
And (that) means another day without you my friend.
And it hurts me to look into the mirror at myself.
And it hurts even more to have to be with somebody else.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away.

With so many people to love in my life, why do I worry about one?
But you put the happy in my ness, you put the good times into my fun.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes - sometimes,
you just have to walk away - walk away and head for the door.

We've tried the goodbye so many days.
We walk in the same direction so that we could never stray.
They say if you love somebody than you have got to set them free,
but I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery.
They say time will make all this go away,
but it's time that has taken my tomorrows and turned them into yesterdays.
And once again that rising sun is droppin' on down
And once again, you my friend, are nowhere to be found.

And it's so hard to do and so easy to say.
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to walk away, walk away and head for the door.
You just walk away - walk away - walk away.
You just walk away, walk on, turn and head for the door.


i believe in karma...but sometimes bad things happen to good people that i don't understand. i'm caught up in this now. and i guess what gets me thru is that i have always been a good person, even tho blondie doesn't think so. guess that doesn't even matter. and all i know is that this time next year, i'll be past this crying shit, be on my feet...in my own place...with or without my shit from canada. and none of this will matter to the people in my life then. maybe i'll decide then to start going out again...but won't feel bad if i am not ready. i'm just on the last dying breaths of caring anymore...and i'm just gonna get thru this while not turning completely square and hateful any way i can. oh well...i am strong now. done with this curse called love.

old skool playing on loop:

New Order (Vicious Streak & Someone Like You Getting More Play than the rest)