12/09/2005

Alone on a Friday Night

Ok...I'm seriously hopeless...
Unblock #72 (or some such stupid number...)

Yes, I unblocked blondie from IM yet again.

I noticed that he was online tonite, and I am alone tonite. Sooo, I unblocked him and said hi.

And he is always just soo friendly and nice. Dammit. He totally encourages me to chat with him cuz he is so kind...almost always.

But somehow, even with him being so sweet, I usually feel bad afterward...almost like I think I would feel if I went out tonite and got myself laid by a stranger...just bad. Cuz I'm ALWAYS the one who initiates the conversations...and the longest I've ever gone w/o talking to him was maybe two weeks at most. But he certainly didn't break down during that time to email or call me....goddam it. Pretty clear message...

But tonite when I IMed him and asked how he was doing, he talked to me about kinda important stuff to him...canadian job issues/contracts/shite. Made me kinda think he still felt like he could talk to me about heavy stuff. So see? Its a terrible punishment/reward cycle I go thru. Aaarrgh!

I'm actually still on IM with him now. And obviously, I already feel...bad. I really do need to let him go or something. Let him go or be prepared to be his bitch. I don't really want to be his bitch, even though I want him back again. Actually, I'm not sure that he even wants a bitch at this point in his life.

I am not sure if anything else has made me so wiggy ever. Gawd! He's messing with my head. I hate the just friends thing cuz I am still so in love with him...but I like it cuz I get my blondie fix whenever I get weak and unblock him. Just stupid...I know. I seriously cannot be left alone...

I want something I can't have

I've always been pretty lucky. I usually get almost everything I ever want...which either means I am simple and don't want a lot, or hella lucky. I think its a little of both. Always lived pretty well.

Guys...easy. Gigs...same. Cool places to live...yes. Excellent friends...cake.

So that's awesome in a way...but i kinda think that now this whole breakup thing is harder than it should be cuz i am used to having everything i want. So, damn...i guess all i can do now is to just stop wanting to get back with blondie.

And as i'm typing this, i know i'm not quite ready to step over that huge chasm...but thats just gotta be where i go. I mean, i've kinda done that already, cuz I'm still happy w/o him, I have fun, have a life, enjoy a little pr0n (j/k...kinda)...but i just dont wanna ever forget him. But OTOH, i don't wanna write in this blog for much longer either...wanna start a new personal blog (and actually keep up with work blogs/sites) and just be done with the pain. I'm fucking sick of this breakup drama already.

(still in love...fucking sobbing again...gawd)

So my rhapsody is always on shuffle...how does it know to play sad songs when i'm missing blondie? Currently playing:

All I Need - Air
Happiness - Elliott Smith
Another Innocent Girl -- The Alkaline Trio
I Keep a Diary -- Braid
A Movie Script Ending -- Death Cab for Cutie (oh man, tear my heart out)

WTF Comcast??

Internet down again...another 11 hours...grrr.

At least they were decent enough to give me a weeks credit for all the trouble this week. But seriously, wtf? Comcast ought to know how to run the internet connectivity gig by now...geezus.

So now that I'm online again, maybe I'll be able to hear some whistling in the distance...

no music yet this morning...so excited to have internet, i haven't turned on my player yet...damn, i need an ipod shuffle...

12/08/2005

Freelance Slacker

Oh gosh, if I don't get any work done this week, I'm gonna starve. I'm totally in heavy duty slacker mode since this breakup...and reading other blogs and writing in mine is so much funner than...work. yikes!

Alright, gonna try to get back to it...unless someone wants to distract me. (c;

Tunes playin:
Homesick - The Cure
A Beautiful Lie - 30 Seconds to Mars
Messenger - Pinback
I'm Content With Losing - Under Oath
Girl Inform Me - The Shins

Addicted to Fortune Cookies

Fortune Cookie say:

"He who hurries cannot walk with dignity."

Well, that is kinda thought provoking considering that I want this whole breakup mess to be over yesterday (more like a month ago), and I just wanna be back with blondie...even if it's long distance for a while. I guess I just need to chill...


Songs playing:
Can't Make a Sound - Elliott Smith
The Air Near My Fingers - The White Stripes
Want You Bad - The Offspring
It Happens - Hopesfall (badass song today...might hate it in a week. Kinda pop-y)

Robert, my friend...where ARE you??

12/07/2005

Now What? A Crush (or two)

It seems to me that whenever blondie and I have interaction (I unblocked him from IM for like time #71 the other nite), it's a little more obvious to me that our love story is over. Plus, we're not really friends now either. So after a very long tear-fest with Trev a couple of nites ago, the obvious became clear to me AGAIN...get over him.

So now what?

I still have all these feelings for blondie, and I can't really talk about him without crying, cuz I think he's making a mistake in letting me go. I'm broken hearted cuz I know he will forget me forever...he has a sick gift of totally detaching from a person...like we never knew each other. But we did...our time together was very, very sweet.

Other than owing Trevor a big favor for letting me cry endlessly on his shoulder the other nite, I'm not really sure what to do relationship-wise. I seem to get plenty of offers, but of course, I'm as picky/snobby as can be when it comes to guys, so I expect to never find that special one again. And I'm not sure if I want to settle for less just to be in a relationship again...

**although I have to admit that I am currently experiencing a couple of post-breakup crushes...hehe**

That is so whack, cuz any breakup / rebound crush is pretty much doomed to be only a crush at best...another breakup at worst.

But one of my crushes is on a friend, another is on a fellow blogger. One, a long term on again/off again crush...the other, just good fun helping me to laugh through the tears. And the best part is until they read this, neither of them know I've been crushing on them...lol

The problem with me and crushes is that I am a Sagittarius (yes, happy bday to me soon), and I get bored easily. Blondie was the ONLY guy i've ever been with that didn't bore me (the 2nd longest relationship I had ever been in). And a crush, by it's very nature is not deep, so i kinda forget them easily. So when I have a crush, its very likely that the one I'm crushing on won't even get a good hook up with me cuz I will be over it before we even get to that point...lol.

So again...I guess I've gone full circle and talked myself back into the same conclusion I started this post with...get over blondie. Guess, thats what's next...fuck. Not gonna happen yet (or ever). guaranteed.

Music playing for this love-sick fool:
Panthers: Wilco
Car Underwater: Armor for Sleep
Never Take Friendship Personal: Anberlin
For Me This is Heaven: Jimmy Eat World
To The Author (Version 1): The Sea and Cake


Got a couple of new gigs. Better get back to work on them. blog ya lata

Cable died

Oh man...I've been having serious internet withdrawals....my comcast died. I am currently in a small up-and-coming city, and the comcast cable here just doesn't quite cut it the way it does in a normal big city...in fact, it sucks arse. The connection is so inconsistent....hate that. So, it's still wiggy now, but good enough for me to post.

So a couple of nights ago, I happened upon this awesome video...its a commercial, but the videography is hella cool:
http://www.bravia-advert.com/commercial/braviaextcommhigh.html

And the song playing is a killer in my little breakup drama...it is an acoustic version of the song Heartbeats, by the group The Knife. Can't find anything but the lyrics, here.

Sent it to blondie, and his opinion was the same as mine...good video, just makes him want to visit San Francisco again...where we went when we took our first trip together...where i first saw pure bliss in his eyes whenever he looked at me...

UPDATE:
The song Heartbeats in this Sony Bravia commercial is covered by Jose Gonzalez. He was previously in a punk band and also took classical guitar. He sounds like the perfect hang out partner, I think. He seems very cool. And this song Heartbeats is beautiful.

Album playing in my rhapsody: Veneer - Jose Gonzalez
Heartbeats
Slow Moves
Crosses
Deadweight on Velveteen
All You Deliver

(Gosh, so mellow for me...lovin it tho)

12/04/2005

Missing him...

Woke up today missing the best man I've ever met and was priveleged to be loved by. I'm crying in my morning green tea...been about a week since i've cried over our breakup. It just seems like our breakup is totally a done deal the longer we do this 'just friends' shite.

And the thing is, the more I get hit on by other guys, the more I miss blondie. He's sooo different from any other guy out there. He's totally not a creep. He's hella intelligent. A geek, but hip and stylish and funny. He's beautiful but not vain. He's brilliant and artistic. He is kind and tender hearted, but is independent and almost a loner...and sexy as can be. blondie is hot shit. i want to be with him again.

sigh...

salty green tea...and working on a sunday...gotta try to get over him.

no music this morning: i'm sad enough