Fin

well he's coming back to chicago and my shit is staying in canada. he said he will bring my box back...but that's it. everything about this is so unfair...and he doesn't care. he's just being mean now. and theres nothing i can do.

i'm done. done talking about him. maybe done with this blog. sick of remembering him. he was so sweet when we were together. now...i've never seen this side of him.

crushed...he's just mean now and acts like i should be grateful for that. got 3 suitcases to my name...the rest is staying up there. and he doesn't give a shit.

he told me to fuck off...

ok blondie. fine.
Fin.

Fuzzy Reflections

i think sometimes people use excuses as to why they are so judgemental. sometimes i think they judge others harshly when they see a faint reflection of something they don't like about themselves in the other person.

today i'm feeling hurt...and feeling angry cuz i just do not get why blondie wouldn't want to work things out with us. feeling pissed at the world cuz i didn't find anyone i fully loved and connected with till blondie.

i'm fucking pissed that if i want to be with someone that i will have to settle...i'm fucking PISSED about that!! i've always settled. until i met blondie. he was 'the one'. i used to date so much before i met blondie that i feel like i have dated EVERY guy...and blondie was so much different/better than anyone i ever met and/or dated.

i guess i'm even kinda pissed that i'm gonna be alone, cuz i fucking won't settle. been there done that...fuck no. never again. i will miss being naked in bed with someone, miss weekends together, miss all the fun private and public couple stuff.

fuck...i only just miss blondie. i dont really miss any of that stuff without him being the one i do those things with. goddam.

why the fuck can't i sleep in on weekends without him? i HATE that!

Tunes playing this morning:
Maps -- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Silent Fighting -- Nada Surf
The View -- Modest Mouse
May Nothing But Happiness Come Through Your Door -- Mogwai
Wills Dissolve -- Isis

Without Him

Gosh, I've had a really productive week. I'm almost feeling high on work. I know, that sounds kinda sad...but compared to the depths of hades I've been living in these past few months, I'm thinking being a workaholic kinda rules right now.

So I had a little bit of IM fun with blondie this week...and a lot of stuff in his world that might kinda affect me has happened too. I have no idea what the status is on anything there with him. And, other than worrying a bit about my shit, I'm ok with not knowing absolutely everything that is going on with him.

What I'm feeling right now is a little bit of chill. I'm just not crying all the time because I miss him. I cried today for about 10 seconds, and then I got back to my life. I miss him. But it doesn't hurt as bad. For the past few nights, I haven't darkened my pillowcase with tears over our breakup. And I can focus on work and my mind even stills more when I do yoga in the morning.

I'm lonely without him, and almost homesick, if that makes any sense. I miss being in the same apartment with him for weeks at a time before I go home to my own apartment. I miss standing behind him while he cooks or does whatever and hugging him. I even miss him telling me not to hug him cuz he's holding a knife, or whatever...hahahaa. Sometimes I just couldn't resist tho...he just always smelled so good...and his chest was so muscular...loved to feel it. I just loved being close to him.

But now I just have to move on with my life without him...hope we find our way back to each other again sometime. We were good together.

Seriously...how does my player know my mood?? Maybe it's just spooky cuz its Friday the 13th.
Track: A Movie Script Ending -- DCFC -- Album:The Photo Album
Track: Heaven Knows -- Rise Against -- Album:Revolutions Per Minute

So Up & Down I'm Getting Queasy

so i debated about whether to blog about the latest developments...

1: barbados is cancelled...blondie is happy about that...negotiations are sketchy (important)
2: this all means that blondie "may" quit and move back to the states. meaning...
3: i may not need colo, because i will beg/pay him to bring all my stuff back with him

Ok...with all of this happening, i'm just not sure how pxxi is going to work out for me right now.

what is happening right now is such a big deal in the big scheme of things for me...i have not talked to blondie about moving my shit back with his, but i will need to if he decides to quit.

he may decide to continue working on contract negotiations from another company there that is talking to him...but i don't know. and it is not really something i can talk really in depth to him about since i'm not his anymore...

but it's important because i want my shit!

...and of course, cuz i would like to get back with him at some point. i miss him. i miss his crazy sense of humor...was fun to share that with all of you a few posts ago...i miss working with him - the kid is brilliant...and he mentioned last nite that he has no reason to ever work for someone again...the indie bug bit him.

all i can say is that once he decides on what he's going to do about either staying there in canada working or come back to the states, then all should be go for pxxi...but i just dont see how i can do it now.

comments?

Playing now:
i want to be the boy - the white stripes
time turned fragile -- motion city soundtrack
he war -- cat power

Post Breakup Clarity : PXXI 2.1/1

so i got a taste of my sweet old blondie a couple of nites ago...he's still amazing. but we've still got a LONG way to go...he broke up with me in october...and we've been trying this 'just friends' shite without much success till lately for a long time.

even tho things went good with us when i contacted him those 3 nites, i decided that i'm starting pxxi again today. i even got protection from every direction. i got someone willing to help me find a colo for my computer in toronto so i don't have to contact him about using my machine (thanks sass!). someone to help me find a runner to pick up the box from blondie's house and take it to the colo location (hahaha did that make sense? thanks othercat!) someone to do pxxi with (thanks caro!!) and someone with eyes open for gigs and jobs for me (thanks sugar daddy!).

i'm seriously so happy with what pxxi did for me the first time, that i'm really excited to get started again. it was sooo painful, but the results were so worth the pain.

thing is, i have no idea if blondie and i will ever be an item again, so pxxi is good just to help me find me again...but it also seemed to have the added benefit of chilling out the wigginess between blondie and i...made him absolutely sweet towards me. no idea if that will last, but that's not really the point anymore. (wow...i really can't believe i just typed that!!)

Sweet morning tunes:
Let Go -- Nada Surf

Still In Love: Pxxi...What Pxxi???

(note: LONGEST POST EVER!!)
oh man...reading my diary from early last year...

Feb 2005

"wow, as i read over the past few months of my time with blondie, i can see that we have/are creating an epic love story...

my big worry is that i don't want to become a boring married couple type..."

so that was like a year ago...and the last few nites that i've had to contact blondie about getting vpn into my machine, it's almost like nothing has even changed between us.

gawd, i'm in love with that kid!!

when this whole vpn madness started, i PayPaled blondie some $$ for his 'trouble' to set up my box in his living room and also for the hydro and connection expense. about 10 minutes later, he refunds it, with the note 'I do not want your money.'

wtf? i wait for like, i dunno, maybe an hour for some other message of whether he's gonna let me vpn into my machine....nothing. i'm guessing he's prolly pissed at me for some unknown reason (which happened for a few months...broke my heart)

so after i get no message from him, i email him just the subject line 'you ok?'...and he emails back with his response...says he's gonna set up my box, yada yada...29 messages back and forth later, i'm done using my box for the nite and he tells me he will leave it on till he gets home from work the next day. cool.

so yesterday when i go to use my box, my fucking Zone Alarm keeps popping up keeping me from accessing some software that i upgraded the previous nite. and that's fine, that's what Zone Alarm is for....but for some reason, my mouse, tab, NOTHING from my end would work to either click Accept Program on Zone Alarm, or allow me to just kill the program...AAARRRRGH!! so all day, i couldn't work on my machine.

so blondie gets home from work...pulls the plug on my machine and puts it back in his closet...after about an hour, i notice my box is offline and the good doctor (blondie) is online. (as an aside, he is not a dr. but that is one of his nics...something like Dr. Blondie...but not...hahaha) anyhoo, so i IM him and ask that he plug my box back in...

i cant really remember how the whole thing went, but the "condensed" version went something like:

(me) my ZA is keeping me from using my program, how was your day? (i.e how did contract negotiations go)

(blondie) negotions were ok. they either need to let me take the job i want or make this job worth my time

(me -- seriously thinking this guy is brilliant, but not going to show me up completely) hey i got some job news too...the largest *** company in the us emailed me and asked for my cv

(blondie) Cool

(me) so blondie, can i have my machine for an hour tonite?

(blondie) that thing is loud as fuck. what was the permission problem?

(me) the software i just upgraded...and can't you put the box in your closet and just do wireless?

(blondie) BLAH BLAH (i seriously dont understand what he was talking about...but the answer was no)

(me-- changing subject) why don't your Live Bookmarks work with your blog anymore?

(blondie) i upgraded servers

(me -- taking my chances) you look very cute in the pics you uploaded

(blondie) great

(me) 'thank you' is the appropriate response...have you no manners?

(blondie) no i do not....'my name is blondie and jesus loves me'

(me) oh gawd...jesus martinez?

(blondie) maybe

(me - ignoring his silliness) so blondie, can i get my machine back for an hour tonite?

(blondie) send n00dz

(me -- ROLLING on the floor laughing...but slightly freaked out cuz this is SO NORMAL, and he's been such a fucking grump since we broke up...) this is Jenns! IM window...not someone else's...but i got some n00dz for ya, yeah baby!

(blondie) send n00dz

(me -- changing subject cuz by now my knees are weak) so you never did answer my question yo

(blondie) try your box now

(me) plz click Accept on my ZA

(blondie) i am going to uninstall it

(me) oh no you dont

(blondie) then you are fucked

(me) fine

(me --living on the edge) i like being fucked...especially by YOU!!

(blondie) i know, you were always begging for IT

(me) yes i was
--------
ohhhhh this is descending down into the pits of complete stupidity -- and if you're still with me after all this...my apologies...lol
-------
(blondie) try and disable it

(me) blondie...my fucking mouse will NOT work on it from here...just click it to disable it from there

(blondie) i have to get up to go use the mouse for your machine

(me) what a lazy arse

(blondie) what a demanding wench

(me REALLY taking my chances) perfect for each other

christ, we are a couple of ranting bitches...we totally make something small turn into a mini IM drama...i think only cuz it gives us an excuse to flirt with each other while trying to sound like hard asses...but its SOOOO FUN!! hahaha
-----
So pxxi? well...here is my take on the whole pxxi thing:

- Before pxxi things were BAD
- My failed attempt at pxxi gave us 2 1/2 weeks of no contact
- My conclusion is that pxxi is mad good at helping mend old wounds
- It helps for couples who were perfect for each other and therefore might reconcile if things don't go down into the depths of meanness...seriously, take a stab at pxxi
- It helps heal broken hearts for couples who are not going to get back together

I think that if i hadn't done pxxi...even though i failed by 5 days...then things would have kept getting ugly with us. in fact, yesterday would have been the final pxxi day, and before yesterday any contact with blondie and i was purely business-like. until yesterday...it got fun again and more like what it used to always be.

So, i dunno...i almost think i wanna go ahead and give pxxi a try again...even if it doesn't last the full 21 days...cuz the thing about blondie and i is that we never had any relationship problems...we were totally into each other...but a HUGE, life changing outside circumstance or 2 came up and pretty much killed things between us...but to see him treating me close to the way he used to before this all went down means everything to me.

Because we are in different countries, there is gonna be no bf/gf thing happening for a long time...i refuse to do the ld thing...well maybe not refuse...but it's hella difficult what with the travel and expense. i'm guessing we will not rush into anything like that at all...

I'm thinking that if we are going to be together forever, this time of getting shit taken care of will not hurt anything with us...we both need our independence and don't like the idea of being smothered by another person. (the idea just gives me shivers....Brrrr) If we can grow our relationship via a long distance relationship, i'm all about that...but once we can get back to the same city as each other...that's when the REAL stuff will start to happen. I'm not settling for less now...i just don't want more until circumstances change a bit. So i guess the perfect scenario for us would be that we just start over...start having fun with each other again like we've done for the past couple of nites, and then when we see each other at conferences, maybe spend some alone time together and see what happens ;)

i'm so into that adorable little shit...
---
of course, all of this could really mean nothing...

Oh Man! I Hope I Didn't Blow It : Pxxi - On Hold

sooo...my uk friend (let's call him SD for Sugar Daddy), emails me back this morning after his talk with the VP of this tech company. He put in a good word for me...he threatened not to buy this VP "any more drinks for the rest of his fucking miserable life" if he didn't hire me...but he could offer no guarantees...

and that's ok. i would kinda like to meet these people before i accept a job anyway.

so i send my cv to the VP...yes, a cv. i do not have a resume...cuz seriously, i started my first biz at 18 and just never took on a real JOB with a company...worked virtually, worked as a consultant, worked as a contractor, only in the office for 2 weeks at a time TOPS. and it's a fucking lot of work to do this, because if i am working with a client for just a project, then obviously it's gonna end...and i gotta find another client to replace him. so i whore myself out all the time for new clients...and i've gotten pretty good at training clients to bring me new clients for a little extra love on their project. and so i am always either a baller or starving...but ya gotta understand...this is my indie spirit talking, and i'm so ok with that. i live simple, and save up my $ till i can buy exactly the thing i want, so my shit is hella nice...but minimalist.

so anyway...i sent the VP my CV.

and even tho i re-read it before i sent it and made the necessary phone number changes and such, added an updated bio, and checked my work history, there was something i didn't catch until i sent it off...something right near the bottom of a paragraph...it said something like 'i would be honored to represent your company as an independent consultant...yada yada'...holy shit is THAT wrong!! the job SD was trying to get for me was a bit more...shall we say...low end. it is the exact thing that i do for clients now, but only in-house...which means project for project, an in-house employee makes about 3x less than i do and has a hella lot less respect from clients...but this is what i am applying for. why?? well...at the end of a year, that in-house worker and i end up making about the same amount...but mine looks so much better cuz sometimes i'll just have a bunch of clients for months in a row and i seriously am rolling naked in the dough. but then...there is ALWAYS the drought. and man, i am starving then. i used to look at my minimalist apartment and the art on the walls and think to myself, 'hey blondie has food in his fridge' and i trek my skinny arse over the 2 blocks to his house...fully seeing stars cuz i am in starvation mode...and then cook with him and eat enough for 2 men...always amazing blondie...hehe. but anyhoo...the low-end job...this is what i am applying for.

and i might have blown it cuz i didn't change that line in my CV.

damn...i don't want the VP to get scared off cuz he thinks i'm looking for a high end consulting job (i.e. a VP position), when really all i want is a specialist/worker bee job.

but i can't really email him back and say...ummm mr. vp? i uh didn't edit my CV very well before i sent it to you, so disregard the first one and just read this one updated especially for the worker bee job with your company, ok? best regards, jenn

shit...

and he hasn't emailed me back yet or called me so all that's left for me to do is
1)kick myself 2)pray that he misses that part 3)pray that he seriously thinks about a VP position for me, hahaha 4)just wait for him to call so that i can clarify the position i am contacting him about.

damn...oh well. i guess another thing i need to do is just keep whoring myself out for indie work...

sigh...


Playing now:
Castaways and Cutouts -- The Decemberists

Nothing Like a Move to Forget the Ex: PXXI 3/3

Holy sunday morning!

A good friend of mine, who is a former radio celeb in the UK and now a huge celeb in our little industry took a liking to me about 3 years ago. Only because he liked me, I was invited to posh dinners with heavies like execs from tech companies, along with selected members of the press. I am always the youngest one there, and feel quite silly cuz it's very obvious, no matter how mature I try to make myself seem. Plus, I am indie, I do not work for some well-known company (although I do have some huge client names in my portfolio, which prolly goes a long way to help me not completely look like a schmoe), so something that I'm so proud of becomes a little bit of an embarrassment in a room full of corporate heavies like this.

Anyway, this friend of mine just told me that he's currently in talks with a big tech company partner of his to get me a pretty high level job...not gig...a job. It will be on the east coast and not near Toronto (so no blondie issues). Anyway...OH-MY-GAWD!! OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod!!!

Oh my gosh...soooo perhaps this will cure my customs blues, maybe I will have the $$ to pay up the azz for customs and for shipping all of my shit from Blondie and my apartment there.

Wow, wonder how this will all turn out. If I get the gig...ummm, i mean J-O-B, it will be sooo scary. I seriously think I'm unemployable, but also thinking that it's sooo time for a change. I really REALLY need to turn things around for myself. My life was and still is so intermingled with blondie's that it's a full-time job just to NOT contact him because of the stupid situation we're in. It's more than my attachment to him, it's so about work related shite. But this would END any of that...I mean completely end it all. I would only see blondie at conferences, would have a whole new set of people to be around, and would, of course, have something to prove to myself...and to my UK friend who is sooo amazing to try to get me this job.

I dunno, maybe I shouldn't blog about this yet. But I'm really so excited about the prospect of it just working out that I can get my shit back here into the states without it killing me financially, and just not ever being in a position where I kinda need blondie at all...it's really turning me on. Oh gosh, I hope I get this job...can't believe I said that...but dang, it's time for a change.

Yikes!!